We are both capable of living independently without too much hardship. It’s not a matter of not having money. It’s what’s fair. His income is more than 3 times mine, maybe more. We split all the costs of maintaining his house 50/50. I pay no rent and sometimes he ‘treats’ me to something. I suppose its fair but I don’t feel taken care of. Sometimes I feel he is cheap, is he?
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I got before and after pics copied and pasted in the reply box and tried to post, but the only things that shows up is the text I typed, not the photos.
Kinda need more info really.
Just living together, boy friend girl friend, friends with benefits? Did he ask you to move in, and, share expenses, or how did this arrangement come about.
If he asked you to move in and you knew the arrangement, then why now do you feel the way you do? Maybe you had other expectations and are just now seeing this isn’t the type of co-habitating you imagined.
Guess you need to sit and talk to him about it. Maybe make plans on moving out and just remaining friends, if you can. You stated you could afford it, so maybe it would be best that you take care of yourself and not have to depend on someone else to appreciate you.
Sometime, only sometimes, absence makes the heart grow fonder.
Thanks Janice. Here is more detail. He suggested marriage fairly early and I was the one to say no. We were pretty intense together and are still very good together though things have mellowed. I know he is fair in his own mind , but he lives at a higher level than I need or want. If our income was the same, I’d have no problem with the arrangement, but gradually I’ve learned how much he makes. I’m used to a guy paying more so maybe that’s all it is…my feelings are hurt that he doesn’t ‘want’ to take care of me or make sure I’m taken care of. I thought marriage at our stage of life was redundant.
I tried talking to him by email (easer for me) when i was away for 6 weeks but he really thinks he is being fair. Of course, everything he has goes to his kids if he passes on before me and vice versa. The most he has offered to do is let me live in out the rest of my life in a house I don’t care for so I told him not to do it.
I’ve actually considered moving out and suggesting we continue our relationship from separate houses…maybe quietly shopping for a house.
Hi Chickadee…I totally do understand what you’re saying. I don’t think it’s simply about “fairness” ! This man is your boyfriend, your partner, so I’m guessing you present yourselves as a couple. I know you’re not married and so legal, but do you sincerely think of yourselves as a being “together”?…or as two adults who happen to share living arrangements and the expenses? There’s mine and yours and where is the ours?
My personal story…I was in the same situation. Moved in together and never did have the big talk about finances (red flag) He of course made 4x my salary. He would pay the rent, etc and some other expenditures, but then I would feel the obligation (red flag…obligated to your partner?) to do my share. But, we did marry. Bought a house–50/50, furnished it –50/50, and we were “fair”. The day came that he actually told me I should pay for the gas because we were using HIS car to drive to MY sisters! So after 2 years, at age 63 I am divorced again! Other issues of course too (controlling and emotionally abusive) but in hindsight that behavior, that feeling, that it’s only about sharing right down the middle–is this fair and equal?— is not what a relationship with your friend, lover, partner should be about.
If you have doubts and are not looking for marriage and all that offers, then cherish your independence and get your own place. Have fun and just date him.
My adult daughter and I have had this conversation. I was married for 22 years before getting divorced, when my kids were 17 and 10 years old. I don’t think it’s necessary to re-marry and my daughter has expressed that she would need to live with someone before marrying him.
My recommendation to her was that she and her boyfriend sit down and have a conversation (and take notes) about the chores and financial responsibilities of living together. If they both work full time, then they choose the chores they each prefer to do, so that the workload is at or close to 50/50. This is just a first step and subject to change over time.
Each should maintain their own checking and/or savings accounts and each pay for their own cell phones and car expenses. They create a third checking account for shared household expenses, which includes rent, groceries, utilities, cable, internet, renter’s insurance, etc. Entertainment and eating out could also be included in the household account. The formula for funding this account is based on monthly or annual income. The person who makes 2/3s more income, contributes 2/3s to the “household account” and the other contributes 1/3. This works because it is based on percentages. It is FAIR because typically, one’s lifestyle is based on one’s income. More money = more expenses, so it is not fair to expect someone who has less money and less expenses to pay half of someone’s more lavish lifestyle. IMHO
Hi, Listen to Sandi. I won’t repeat everything she said, but I have a similar story. I was living with him in HIS house, I paid half but it was made clear to me that everything would go to his son at some point. I would be given time to get out when that happened though. There were other things too.
Long story made short I left and don’t miss his at all.
Thank you for the responses. Sorry not to respond sooner. I forgot my password!
Months later and I’m still going back and forth with this. He doesn’t expect me to pay for gas when we take his car anyway, but it all goes to his kids…I dont’ necessarily think that it should go to me, but at some point it seems he should make a plan for me. If he gets sick, I may have a hard time not handing him over to his kids!