Today I am taking a question that many women have when they start dating for the first time since their teens.
Dear Lisa,
I was married for 27 years. My divorce happened about a year ago and I’m beginning to think its time to start dating. I’m a woman over 50 with an empty nest and I haven’t dated since I was a teenager so I’m not totally sure about some of the rules at our age. What I’d really like to know is when the right time is to have sex with a man you’re dating. Is there a protocol I need to follow? Thanks for helping me. I really didn’t know where to turn so I am so grateful to have found you.
Thank you. Catherine
Dear Catherine,
Thanks for your wonderful question. Before we go any further it’s important to note that STD’s in our age group are on the rise, so practicing safe sex is a must for every woman over 50 these days. Now that worries over pregnancy are no longer an issue, we think we can be lax in this department. Don’t be. Always carry some type of protection with you so that when hormones heat up, you are protected. Sounds a lot like our teen years doesn’t it? A great place for more information is from your doctor on this topic.
Now that this is out of the way, lets get to your question about sex and dating. Let’s start with first date sex. Sometimes, we have such strong chemistry with a man that we hop into bed with him on date number 1. Hey, our hormonal urges sometimes need a good fix and there is nothing wrong with that. You just need to be aware that first date sex is usually just that – a fix that doesn’t go much further. It’s a fun fling, and the best way to avoid it is to keep a date under 2 hours so you don’t risk feeling so connected that you want to have sex with him right away.
Some say date number 3 is supposed to be the sex date. This is a great urban legend for women our age but is probably very much true for the younger crowd. Of course you can have sex on the third date if you’d like – just be sure to go with your instincts and whether or not it feels right for you. At this point, leave his feelings or pressures about moving forward into a physical relationship out of the equation until you know what it is that you want to do.
A very interesting piece of info you might want to know is that men over 50 really want to develop a friendship with you first to see if there is a connection that feels right for moving into the physical phase. Now that’s a change, isn’t it?
Yet, that being said, there are still men out there who want fast and easy sex. So be sure your online profile doesn’t mention anything about sex or making love or how long it’s been since you’ve had sex. This sends the wrong message to men and if it’s there in black and white for a man to read on his computer, he will assume that it is sex -not a relationship – that you are looking for.
My best advice about sex and dating is to always follow your instincts. Although if the sexual pull is super strong right away, remember that this is HOT CHEMISTRY. Be careful here and go slow if this is the case. You want a relationship built on a foundation of friendship because once the sex wanes if friendship isn’t there, the relationship with nothing left to support it will crumble.
Take your time and don’t let a man pressure you into something you don’t want to do yet. If he is not willing to wait for the moment you are ready, then he is probably not the right man for you. There are plenty of other men out there who will be. I hope this helps.
I agree with you both totally, but thought this might be a good issue to raise here. I myself wouldn't go with a TV ad unless I knew it was exceptional medical practice. I think again it is so good Robbie that you have raised this issue and educa
Lisa, you said ” there are still men out there who want fast and easy sex.” Newsflash – there are women out there who want fast and easy sex too! Your answer presupposes that women want to “hold out” for a relationship BEFORE engaging in sexual activity. That ain’t necessarily so. I think too many women manufacture relationships that shouldn’t exist just so they can justify having sex – because that’s what “good girls” do. Well let me tell you, bad girls have more fun.
When to have sex is up to YOU – you have to follow your own moral code, whether that means first date or never! Confusing love with sex gets too many women into bad relationships.
Marcie
You are right…there are a lot of women who want to have sex for many reasons and believe it or not-it surprises a lot of men.
And women should go for it if it feels good to them…but…if its a relationship a woman desires, a friendship needs to develop first.
Women bond once they’ve had sex…men don’t. It’s why many women get hurt so easily after sleeping with a man on a first date when he never calls again.
So it’s good to decide whether you are looking for just sex or a relationship when you go out with a man because the timing of sex will be totally different with each one.
Honestly I would hope that by the time we got to 50 we’d have ditched this virgin approach to sex. You want to have sex with someone just have it.
One day you will be on your deathbed and you won’t be saying “I wish I’d never screwed so-and-so” (unless of course you are dying of AIDS). You are more likely regretting not jumping that cute guy in college.
The subtext here is the idea that if you sleep with a guy too soon he will think you are a slut and therefore won’t consider you a marriage prospect. That is a myth used to try to keep teenage women virgins as long as possible to avoid teen pregnancy. The flip side was to tell boys that girls who did it were sluts.
If a mature man thinks less of you for sleepiing with you then his loss.
Hotflash
Great points and I agree any woman should feel free to be intimate with a man whenever she chooses.
The only problem with sex too soon is it can cloud a relationship. The chemistry takes over and lust gets mistaken for love. The friendship, an integral part of the foundation of a relationship can end up going AWOL this way.
In the end, it comes down to it being a woman’s individual choice to decide when the timing for sex feels right for her.
Lisa, your response is very encouraging for me. Thank you!
You are so welcome!
“The chemistry takes over and lust gets mistaken for love. The friendship, an integral part of the foundation of a relationship can end up going AWOL this way.”
So now you are saying if you have sex “too soon” you can think that you are in love (when you are only in lust) and that can stop you becoming friends? I am curious. How does thinking you are in love prevent a friendship from forming?
Hot Flash….what often happens in this situation is “the chemistry.” The chemistry is hot and heavy. You can’t stay away from each other and the relationship is so physical there is never enough time to just talk other then about how great it is being together.
When to have sex is a personal decision and each woman must decide that for herself. All I’m saying is slow it down and see if there is a friendship before hopping into bed. But, if its the other way around, that’s ok. It’s a personal choice for each of us.