I met someone recently who is very nice, perfect gentleman and seems to have so much going for him. Good job, nice house, nice family, etc. He told me pretty early on that he was a recovering alcoholic and has more than ten years of sobriety. He has a good support system and seems to have a great handle on his recovery. This was a hard situation for me initially, because my last relationship was with a functioning alcoholic and I left that because I didn’t want to live like that anymore. I know this is a different person and situation but I still remained cautious. Well, a few days ago he told me the rest of the story. It was much more than alcohol–it was also a drug addiction, and gambling addiction and some illegal activity that resulted in a conviction. In the last few years he has totally rebuilt his life from nothing, which is very impressive. However, I feel like this is just too much for me to handle, mainly the fear that one or more of these behaviors could resurface. I made myselft a promise when I got out of my last relationship that I would never again put myself if the position of dealing with an alcholol or drug addiction. But now I feel torn. Do I base my decision of whether to continue with him on what I see now or what could possibly happen in the future? I know that no one is perfect–I am certainly not! But I don’t want to be stupid either.
| Too many addictions? |
October 18, 2012
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Hi Darcy
I always appreciate your comments. Emasculating a man means not letting him have his DNA role of being a man. It happens when we take control and literally want to wear the pants versus letting him.
It's very hard for Boomer women to
Sounds like he is being honest with you, that is a big step on his part. His life isn’t the easiest thing for anyone to have to tell anyone, let alone someone he too, apparently has feelings for.
Have you had the opportunity when with his family to have a conversation about his present life, in private of course. Could you make a lunch date with a couple of them separately to inquire about his now life? You don’t need to dig up his past you are interested in the future.
It is a tough one, I would be leery as well. Does he want to make a life with you? Can you both be happy remaining friends, companions, for the future? If you have wealth of any kind I would protect it from any future compromises and let him know that as well. If he is interested in you and doesn’t care about the financial part that says a lot.
Best wishes to you and hope you get some addition imput.
I agree with Janice, it’s a tough one. I would be very, very leery. An addiction is a deal breaker for me unless it’s a well in the past and they are involved in a 12 step program. This is from my experience with 3 friends who are recovering addicts. Two are heavily involved in the 12 step program and are great people. The other one is a dry drunk whose addiction surfaces in other ways. The fact that he has been honest with you is a big plus in my book. I would continue the relationships, but very, very, very slowly and casually. Good luck.
I too agree with the others, but, he does have over 10 years of sobriety, so that says a lot. He has also recovered his life and built it back up from the ground. Which is also a huge accomplishment, so he has to be given credit for this too.
I guess taking it slow, and really watch how he handles stress. Try to see if he has any triggers that could possibly set him off. Or if he hides from all sorts of triggers and avoids them. Which in my opinion is not a good choice. Avoidance, is never a good thing when dealing with addictions when you are that far into recovery. And it speaks volumes to where his control lies.
Also many times people that are into recovery, but really haven’t dealt with their addictions, just replace it for another more benign one. So watch to see if there is another addiction. It could be anything, from eating, to working.
Be cautious, but I wouldn’t walk away just yet. He could turn into a real keeper, or a deal breaker, depending on how things go.
Good luck.
Hello Blondie 15, I just broke up with my boyfriend of 6 months for the similar fear you have. I too promised myself that I would never put myself in such a situation again. He is great, intelligent, thoughtful, kind interesting and cultured, but he spent 2 years in jail for fraud now he is 66, has been rebuilding his life but I have noticed patterns in his behavious such as indulging in too much wine to the exsclusion of saving the money for things that he promised we’d do such as travel, enjoy going out once in a while besides staying at each other’s aptments. He lives 200 miles away, doesn’t have a car, and seems to just want to be a homebody.
We talkk but I feel that he feels he knows more than me, I am poor but work at a stressful job and have built up my life and posessions by perseveiring and hard work. I started to feel like he was taking me for granted, that I was the one giving all the time. I deided that I can’t invest in a relationship that promises a lot of the emotional stuff but not much security. He also started borrowing money from me and demanding too much of my time.
I was feeling worried and unhappy and felt that I was developing a codependency with this man. I love him but I have to look out for myself, I don’t believe I am being selfish although I feel very sad.
good luck and pay attention to patterns. \you are not responsible for him.
Well, after much thought and discussing with different friends, I decided I would proceed with seeing him. We chatted for a couple of weeks and then decided to “pick up where we left off” – his words. Then before the week was out he stopped contacting me. When I inquired what was going on, he basically dumped me! So, I guess all this worry for nothing! Men….I’m about ready to give up.