I’m turning 60 this year. It won’t be long before it happens and I’ll admit I have been through a lot of changes. From menopause to grey hairs popping up, the fatique and fear of yet another thing happening that sends me back to a physician to find out what it is. I have always been a shapely person and vowed never to let myself “go.” However, in the past year I have earned a pot belly through lack of exercise and non restricting my diet. I eat sensibly, but, the pounds are starting to form around my midsection. In the past, I could lose them in a week or two, but, all diets just don’t stick anymore. I have gone from a size 8 to an 11 and only being 5’2″ the pounds are noticible.
Yesterday, I mentioned that all this fat around my waist was visceral fat which i had been reading about and my husband added to my comment that, “yes, and you are gaining it quite rapidly.”
Tell me fellow sisters why is it that it hurt so bad to hear that from him? It took a beautiful day and turned it around to sadness for me. Although I know I have gained 25 extra pounds, I was hoping to hear something more along the lines of, “Yes, I know, it happens to all of us when we get older.”
Your thoughts on how to view this? My gymn membershhip starts again today and maybe it’s the motivation I need to go back. I can see that. But it still hurts.
Hi Darcy
I always appreciate your comments. Emasculating a man means not letting him have his DNA role of being a man. It happens when we take control and literally want to wear the pants versus letting him.
It's very hard for Boomer women to
my situation was cut and dried, although I didn’t have a name for it. He was an abuser….verbally AND physically. We tend to marry what we know/knew and try to fix the past. I did that. My mother was the original abuser. According to Patricia Evans (my hero), author of The Verbally Abusive Relatiionship…..”There are two kinds of power…..personal power and power over…..those 2 can never co-exist.
it seems his comment was factual – men are – I hear you would have preferred him telling you that’s it ok – although visceral fat is dangerous. Hiding from the truth kills people because as Dr. Phil says “you can’t change what you don’t acknowkedge.”
What do you WISH (in your heart of hearts) he had said in response to your query?
Whenever I ask my husband if I’m getting fat he says cutely, sarcastically “Yes, enormous gigantic!” And then he gives me a big hug and a kiss. When he complains that he’s losing his hair I say “Ridiculous! I’m too short to see the top of your head anyway!”
Conclusion – the subtext of these questions mean “Do you still love me even though I got older or fatter?” And the answer I really want is “Yes!”
I’m an inch taller than you & also gained 25 pounds & that IS very noticeable so what’s the problem with hearing the truth would you rather he lie?
Well, I for one can understand to what boni says. Sure, we already know the truth about us gaining weight and all the other ‘stuff’ that comes along with aging, but he could have said ‘hey love, we can work on it together as we’re both headed there’ would have been better and more loving. I think just acknowledging boni’s feelings and showing support does wonders. I remember once my husband saying I needed liposuction, wow…talk about hurt and I was only in my 40′s and I didn’t weigh as much as I do now (we are divorced now).
I say love yourself but do good for yourself also. Exercise and eat in moderation.
All the best, Linda
So glad to read your comment, Linda. Women can be even worse to each other when we ask for their support by telling us to suck it up, or worse, giving men a pass by saying, “well, that’s just how they are.”
That may be so, but it seems to me that women are more often than not asked to bend like a pretzel around men being “just as they are” and men are not asked to bend back.
I do believe that men are incredibly obtuse when it comes to understanding the emotional impact of their actions and words, but does that mean they shouldn’t learn how to pay attention?
It’s a two way street. It’s not just women who need to give and understand…..men do too.
So, I loved your answer.
Magnolia
Magnolia…..wow I loved that you are so on board. I read so many things and it is how women should act around men, how men are not capable regarding feelings and emotions, and so and so on. Like you said it’s a two way street and it’s not just women who need to give and understand. WOW……I am so glad to read that as I have felt like that for many years and now being on the dating scene I see it all the time. Thank goodness I love myself.
I think it’s a natural thing for women to give and to self-sacrifice. Men sacrifice in their own ways too……by working and doing physical things for their family. And I want it to be said that I do not diminish that sacrifice at all.
It is valuable and many, many men do it out of love and devotion to their families. So, I don’t want to come off as unappreciative or not recognizing that sacrifice. Because it is real.
But, emotionally, we give men a pass and ironically, it is because women do that anyway. We are the ones who always want to look deeper and say…..”Oh, he didn’t mean that because he’s just tired….”
Or, “I know he loves me, he just doesn’t know how to express it.” and on and on we go with the explanations as to “why” men can’t/won’t/don’t give emotionally to their wives int he manner that we need from them.
I find it all tiring, frankly, and in some very deep ways, I think it is just another form of abuse and ways that we diminish ourselves and women in general.
We make our needs “silly” and tell ourselves we need to just think “differently” about something. In doing so, we communicate that who we are, how we are built, and what we need is “less than” in some way.
And don’t get me started when I hear women say things like…..”I think like a guy in that way…..”
As if “thinking like a guy” is superior to “thinking like a woman” and something women who are REALLY with it, will aspire to.
Magnolia
Boni-
Menopause is like a bumpy plane ride. Very stressful for the body, and for me personally, my metabolism changed radically.
My thyroid needed help, as did my adrenal glands(exhaustion),etc.
A doctor’s appointment can’t hurt, but there’s also the emotional component of feeling kind of worn out and depressed over it, feeling like I’d ‘lost my edge’.
.
The hormonal spikes are no joke.
Don’t be down on yourself. While I don’t like anyone commenting on my body, I really do think men are geared more toward ‘fixing a problem’ rather than offering nurturing support.
I’d rather hear someone’s honest truth, than alot of blarney, although maybe it’s about the correct dosage of truth.
My next step? P90x-maybe too intense for some, but I’m going hardbody.
Some might value a gentler approach though.
I think we just….want to hear that we are loved, valued and heard, no matter our weight, age or anything else. We want to feel validated.
I have never….given a man a pass for insensitive (or any other unacceptable) behavior…..or a woman, either.
We are all people on the planet; at this age old enough to understand what we need to to respect another human being.
My husband says the most idiotic things, they never hurt unless I’m saying worse to myself. It doesn’t matter whether what was said is guy speak or not. What matters to me is my speak. Aging is not for the young, if requires all my grace and wisdom.
Once a model, my middle is now wide and my auburn hair is grey…but baby ,I am fabulous. I am fabulous after being “fat, old, dowdy, invisible, lazy, over-the-hill, sexless” , the list of how brutal I was to myself goes on and on. I waited for anyone, especially my husband, to confirm my worst fears then I pounced and chewed on there words until they were poison.
But if its one thing that I learned from years of …. well, years, its how I talk to myself determines how I feel. Louise Hay suggests looking into a mirror and telling yourself that you love yourself several times a day. Dooing this is so dumb but Wow did it show me, how much self loathing I had around my aging.
I consciously set out to change my conscious… and whether I felt dumb doing affirmations or not didn’t matter, because it changed how I felt about me. It changed how I dressed—sexy, not ashamed. How I talked. and How I felt about me. My husband started noticing my zip not my chub. Other men began to notice me again, even though I was round. The more fabulous I told myself I was, the more fabulous I felt and the more fabulous I was.
Go to a mirror and try it… I bet that you’re more fabulous that you give yourself credit for.
Blessed Be,
Granny Beth
I think you make some good points here, Granny Beth. Certainly, it is always up to us to decide how we are going to allow someone else’s words to affect us.
And I also think you make a good point when you say it’s less about what your husband says, and more about what YOU say. Again, I agree. Self-talk, self-love and self-respect, are THE most powerful things we have in life.
That still doesn’t absolve others (in this case, men) from being aware of the power and weight their words carry in an intimate relationship. When we open ourselves up to people, and allow them into the vulnerable places of our hearts, even the strongest among us can get hurt when people stomp around in our tender places.
And make no mistake about it…..we ALL have them. We are not built to “not feel”. We are built to be affected both positively and negatively by words and how they are spoken to us. If words didn’t have the power to tear down, then we wouldn’t have broken and battered children in the foster system.
Words ARE powerful and we need to understand that. As a Christian woman, I think often of the bible verse in Genesis where God says….”it is not good for man to be alone….” and he created woman for him.
Why is that? To hand him a 2 x 4 when he’s building a shed? To wash his dirty underwear or stand “behind him” while he shines in the world?
Some might think that is true. Personally, after many decades of thinking about it and observing men and women and how we are, I’ve become convinced that it has to do with the emotional differences between men and women.
I believe women are able to “civilize” men if you will by our gentle and sensitive nature. We are the ones who say….”HEY!! That hurt!” Men, then, need (and should) to be willing to hear it and do something about it, such as softening their words, and realizing that no matter how they may have meant something, it STILL hurt the person they say they love.
Otherwise, if left to their own devices and allowed to always live in “guy speak land” they become nothing more than a mob of emotional marauders pillaging and plundering the landscape of people’s hearts around them……usually women and children.
I think it was Sally Adams (wife of the founding father, John Adams) who said that “all men, if allowed, would become tyrants.”
Magnolia
I agree wholeheartedly with Granny Beth’s comments and appreciate them. We do need to “love ourselves” so we can truly love others and part of loving yourself is to affirm that you are OK. I guess what threw me so much on this whole thing was that I had only gone from a size 8 to a 10…pushing 11 in some sizes…but I can still fit in a 10! I thought that was pretty good for an old gal!
Nevertheless…I also agree with Magnolia very much. God gave Adam a woman to compliment him and be his helper and especially that he would not be alone. The bible tells men to “love” their wives and dwell with them in “understanding”. I think some men lack the understanding of how a woman’s mind works, which is very different from them. Different for a reason, but, different neverless. They are to work a little harder to recognize this difference and be kinder toward them. Women are not instructed to love their husbands, instead they are instructed to respect them. There is a lot of work that has to take place there at times, believe me!
OK so I went off on my biblical rant. Thanks for listening and commenting. Many may not agree with me and that’s fine.
Boni
Oh, I think many of us are on the same page with you, Boni. Hope you have a nice Thanksgiving.
Magnolia
ps. I think the reason women are not instructed to love their husbands is because it is a given that they do. IMHO
It is the “do I look fat in this” conundrum. The man can’t say anything right.
So how about telling him – “Hey, that comment really hurt my feelings. I am really in need of your support right now. I feel old and unloveable and I need your encouragement.”
Just a thought.
P.S. – you already “reacted” with sadness and hurt. Now, how about responding to him with your truth?
If you agree that husbands make heartless comments from time to time because they think they’re being “funny” or “just kidding”, think again. I’ve witnessed some husbands (including my ex), who actually get some perverse pleasure out of belittling the one who loves them the most. There is only one defense. Self esteem, self respect and putting on your suit of emotional armor made of Teflon, so nothing sticks. Personally, I would never own any negative comments and always call him out or others when being heartless. Not a tone of anger or surprise, but a statement of disgust. Happy to report, some were embarrassed I acknowledged their lack of a filter. If nothing else my act of defending a friend softened the blow. In the end, the woman is responsible for determining what is acceptable behavior and what is not. Try holding up a mirror so the louse can see his own reflection and words right back at him!
That is called veiled hostility……verbal abuse…..they assume (usually correct) that no one will call them on the verbal vomit….out after 31 years of verbal and physical abuse. Unfortunately most women (I am moderator of an abused survivors group) have been beaten down so much they have no “emoionall armor) ..trust me……those words “stick”—–as I still remember the cruel things that were said to me as a child. Thee is no defense against verbal abuse…..except to escape.
Yes, yes Alicia, I agree. What I don’t agree is to keep dwelling on the indignation of words spoken by ignorant people, be it parents or significant others for many years. In your life, you are doing something noble and counseling others is a gift to you and them. I honor you for that. Yet for those who do not seek counsel through a similar group due to shame or any other reason, their only option is to reprogram their internal dialogue. If not, the loop of abusive words in one’s thoughts affect their attitudes about all men and serves to invite more of the same into their life. Please know that I am truly sorry for all you’ve experienced. My sister is also a survivor of domestic abuse and dodged a bullet. In the end, he killed himself instead. Clearly a possessed, troubled soul all his life. So, her post traumatic stress syndrome for 7 years has held her hostage. Somehow she believes she deserved this and that makes me very sad. With that said, I never mean to sound flip about this horrible experience, I only believe that when one allows another to have that much control over life, even long after you’ve escaped, is allowing the abuse to continue.Other than that, I have no answers to take the pain away. It is up to each individual to find that path and I pray for my sister and now you. Stay strong! Be happy!
If someone is not in a truly abusive relationship, reprogramming their own internal dialogue is a credible option. However, if they *are*, that is not an option.
Part of the abuse cycle is that the abused takes on the talk of the abuser and blame themselves for the abuse.
Their internal programming already gives the abuser permission to abuse them because after all, “if they weren’t so sensitive, this wouldn’t be such a big deal” or “Oh, he didn’t really MEAN it that way.” or “that’s just how guy’s talk….” Or…… you fill in the blank.
Women who have been abused for decades become victims of Stockholm Syndrome emotionally and psychologically. They honestly don’t know HOW to be any different.
So, while I think your advice is good advice in certain types of situations…..which could very well be the OPs circumstances, by the way, it’s not good advice for people who ARE being abused and who are too ashamed to seek help.
It looks good on paper, but it’s not practically feasible.
Magnolia
Oh, thank you. I am okay as one can be. I won a scholarship because of what I wrote about my life of overcoming ahd thriving and am a Freshman at 66! I was invited to present my paper (a work of 15 years) at the Michigan Counseling Association 2 weeks ago (Society’s Hidden pandemic, Verbal Abuse; Precursor to Physical Violence and a Form of Bioechemical Assault. If we were brought up with abuse (as I was), we tend to repeat that pattern and try and fix the past. It took me 25 years to find the answer: The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans (we speak from time to time and she is one of my endorsements for my book). Did your sister get counseling? I hope she will if she hasn’t. Abuse is literally brainwashing, and that is why most people don’t understand why women stay. Hugs, Alicia
You have clearly done so much to educate women and men. I think you are not only extremely smart but of great courage and compassion to have accomplished all you have as a result of your experience. I also hope that in doing so you have learned to “let it go” in the sense of moving on to find your happiness. You deserve to do this for yourself. Time to think of you as you clearly have for so many others. Being selfish now isn’t being selfish. Take Care.