I posted my story with the subject line “Infidelity,” and received many stories of marriage failure, but would like to hear from women who have been betrayed, but then found a stronger, better relationship afterward…..my husband and I are in counseling, I know that he loves me, and we are working very hard. I don’t know why the betrayal happened, and he says he’s not sure either, and wants to understand and help our marriage heal…..it’s a terrifying place that I’m in…..
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I have never seen another woman's vagina, so have no idea what they look like, except mine.....I assume you mean (not vagina), But labia....the outer lips. I think it is sad you/anyone thinks any body part is ugly. Our bodies are amazing. I dou
Roadrunner,
Let us know how your lips turn out, mine are so thin I have often thought of doing something. But I am scared whitless!
Hi Lunazeenut – I just read over your former posts on infidelity. After almost 30 years of what I (and everyone who knew us) thought was a happy marriage I discovered that my husband had been having a 11 year relationship with an “escort” (whore) who was 30 years younger than him. At the time it started he was 50 and she was 20 and we lived in a town about 5 hours away – we moved 3 years into this. He is now 64 and I am now 59. I discovered this about 3 years ago then realized he was having 2 long term emotional affairs and 3 months later found out he was seeing another “escort” for 2 years in a town nearby. It was devastating to say the least. We have 2 adult children. In the last 3 years we have been though several therapists and do have one we both go to together and individually, have gone to a “save our marriage” weekend and many other things. The lies and betrayal are beyond comprehension. I also realized that my husband had a porn problem but it took a while to focus on that because I was so upset about the other women. I know he truly loves me and wants to be with me forever and said he would fall apart if I left him. He came out of the fog, stopped all contact with the other women but it took quite a bit longer for him to stop the porn. I still check occasionally. I went through over 2 years of terrible anger and could not decide if I wanted to stay with him or not. I lashed out at him for over 2 years and said and did some very hateful things. We were both miserable. He apologized to our children, my mom and friends. He is truly remorseful and after 3 years we are finally building a stronger marriage. Looking back I realized that our marriage started deteriorating when he began the first affair but it happened so slowly I didn’t realize it until it was too late. First of all you need to know that you are not to blame for any of this – he is broken and needs to work on fixing himself. I also realized that he manipulated me during those years of his infidelity so that I would not suspect a thing. It was very subtle but he acted the opposite of what he was living. He told me he loved me several times a day as he always had and frequently spoke about how lucky we were to have such a good marriage and wanted reassurance from me that we did. My reality was not real. I still don’t totally understand why and how he could do this. It is very hard work for both the betrayed and the betrayer but I finally see a light at the end of the tunnel. I had to decide to let go of this and have had a difficult time with that. I finally feel like I will be able to forgive him one day (for me more than him). We are going to get new wedding rings and renew our vows when I feel that I am ready. You relationship changes forever after this – it will never be the same – different but not the same. My husband realizes that now. I know it from the beginning. I look back on those years of betrayal and porn and have to say that our marriage is much better than it was then. Our sex life is better (although we have to work around me being on antidepressants and he takes Cialis), and our whole relationship is better - it’s becoming more loving and honest. So, yes, I think you can build a good marriage again – stronger and better? I will wait to judge that but we are definitely moving on and love each other very much. A website you may want to check out is http://www.survivinginfidelity.com. I wish I would have found it a bit sooner - it may be helpful to you. Hand in there because it’s a long haul but I am finally seeing that it’s worth it. Good luck to you.
Thank you, so much. For taking the time to write to me about such painful things, and also…..to give me hope. Thank you for reminding me that his betrayals are not my fault. I would have given him the world if he’d only tried to talk with me, but he choose to go elsewhere instead. We’ve never been this open with one another, and it is terrifying…..terrifying to be so open with a man I do not trust, a man I’ve promised myself to and given myself to in so many ways, but never shown myself to fully. I know he is trying very hard as well. I don’t know yet if either of us has the strength to move beyond this, we are in the thick of the pain and I see know way out….but I know there will be, eventually. Thank you again, so much, for sharing your story and giving me hope. ( I’ll go visit the website that you sent, as well.)
Hi Lunazeenut,
When I read your post, it gave me pause. It struck me that you were able to say, “I know he loves me.” That’s good. You have a good starting point right there. The next thing you need to ask yourself, is can you put it to the side and promise yourself, not him, that you won’t throw it in his face every time a conflict comes up. Not because of the pain it will cause him, although he deserves it, but because you want your marriage to have a chance and it won’t if you can’t do that.
It’s over 25 years now since I received the “phone call” that shattered my world and changed my whole view of what I thought was my solid life. After that, for a long time, nothing seemed solid. I felt like I was on shifting sand with my past life dissolving around me.
We had been married 18 years, since we were kids.
My husband was in the middle east, had been there about 4 months. He’d taken a job there due to financial difficulties and I had stayed behind with our kids who were nearing graduation time. We talked frequently and he was due to come home in a couple weeks for a visit. Out of the blue I get a phone call from a woman who’s first words are, “We don’t care what you or his mom does, he loves me and I love him and we’re going to get married.” I thought it was a prank call. “Excuse me?” I ask, “I think you have the wrong number.” “You are …. she says,” I say, “yes..”
Then she tells me her and my husband have been together for several months, love each other and plan to be married. I fall apart and it becomes clear to her that I have no knowledge of her or anything that’s going on.
At that point I hear shouting. He has been out side, not realizing she’s calling me. “What have you done!” I hear him shout in anguish. At this point I collapse on the floor, shaking uncontrollably and hang up. My poor son who finds me there..
Anyway, to make a long, painful story short, I learn later that she believes he’s divorced and is struggling with re marriage as his family is against it.
The next day or so I go to visit a divorce lawyer with a $1,000 retainer in hand. I don’t know if I hit him on a good day or if he didn’t see potential for a big payoff or what, but he gave me the best advise I ever had. He told me to put the $1,000 in a holding box and give myself six months and if I still wanted the divorce he’d be happy to handle it for me. He said it is too fresh and there’s no way I could think things through when I was in so much pain.
I left the office and drove for hours trying to think it through. My husband had called numerous times. When we did talk, he said he didn’t want a divorce but understood if I did. It was all up to me. She had left him after the phone call.
I thought long and hard for a while and then, like I said above, I knew that if I couldn’t put it all aside our marriage wouldn’t have a chance. That was the main question, could I. I didn’t make any promises, he didn’t ask for any. We didn’t have access to counseling, only the good meaning suggestions of friends and family. None helpful as each came with their own set of ideas of what the perfect marriage is. For me, the turning point was when I asked myself, remembering our past and looking to our future, did I really think I would find a better person that I could care more for. Because I knew he was a good man, and, like you said, a man who did love me, I decided to try to rebuild. Not to repair so much, but start fresh. He came home and I went back to be with him later. We took things slow. Anyway, 25 years later, there are still times when it will come to mind, but neither of us speak of it. We’ve been married 43 years and I still am grateful to the lawyer. His decision, which I’m guessing was a struggle for him saved our marriage.
I wish you good luck. If you’ve got a good man and, like you said, you “know he loves you” then you’ve got a chance. What you do with that chance is up to you.
Lunazeenut – I’m glad you found some comfort from my story. The reason I wished I would have found the website I recommended earlier is that so many of the stories are the same with variations. At first I thought “Oh, this isn’t me, my husband wasn’t this bad – the sex was only 2 times, maybe we can get by this” etc. I came to find out that I should have trusted what was said on the website. It’s usually worst than you first think and most of the time the wayward husbands continue to betray and lie. You have every right to check up on things – check cell phone bills, credit card bills, website history, emails – put a key logger on his computer if you must (I did – that’s how I realized the porn problem was so bad and escalating). Maybe the financial difficulties he had were due to expenditures on other women and porn. He needs to be totally transparent, stop all contact with other women and, if necessary, call them in your presence and tell them so. He also needs to stop the porn and will need help with this. As painful as it is to talk about you have every right to know everything and they always hold back. They don’t want to talk about it. They just want to forget but you’ll never forget and the only way for you to start to heal is to talk about it with him. I don’t mean to be negative but you need to watch out for yourself and take care of yourself first. As the last poster said you do need to be able to put it aside at some point in time if you want the marriage to work. The hard part is putting it aside. I still falter but with faith and perseverance I believe I will succeed. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
try today asking yourself if you love your man enough and can forgive him, his mistake. i am sure you will not forget but can you forgive him? if the answer is yes, then that will be your starting point to heal. i love you enough to forgive you has to be the first thought in your mind to repair the damage. remember he is trying to save your marriage also and he knows he has caused all your pain and is feeling guilty of his past actions. he has a lot to overcome for being in the wrong as you do for being the person he hurt. he loves you enough to try and make the marriage work. it takes a very long time to heal but it starts with this inner forgiving of his weakness and for you to be strong and mean it. let him know this will be his only chance. if you find you can’t forgive with your heart and mind i would say it is over. sadly i say this, as you will find yourself slinging mud at him every time things get tough and it will break you both in the end. if he has been a good husband in every other way hang in there as you may find you have given up too soon. you may find that the marriage becomes stronger and that you have many more years of happiness. can you forgive? thinking of you and hoping it works out for you both.
Thank you all so much. We just returned from counseling, and my husband is angry that I’m “dredging things up again.” It was six weeks ago, the third betrayal, and his response to me was so cold today…..I do not know it I can move on with him. I do not know whether I have the strength. I can forgive him, but I can’t take on his coldness. Not anymore. Perhaps we should separate until things have healed. I don’t know yet whether we can survive, I’m not ready to give up, but I find it impossibly hard to spend nights with him, him acting like all is fine, and me on fire with pain, then dealing with him shutting down when I open up. It’s tearing me apart.
This is telling. If he is angry, it says he does NOT get it……”dredging things up.” What a crock…he is angry that you can’t get over it. That is not something you get over. It sounds as if he has no idea how what he has done has affected you and wants you to forget it. That cannot happen.
If he cared, he would say…..tell me how that (all of it) made you feel. He doesn’t want to know…he is like an angry, petulant child. I would think separation is a good idea.
What he doesn’t get is that if you have to “dredge it up” over and over until you can stop talking about it…..that is what needs to happen for YOU. I see no YOU in this relationship.
hold on…. at your next meeting when you are both counselled. bring this up. his anger and your need to talk it all through. there has to be ground rules for you both to be able to move forward. i am truly sorry that you feel so sad at how he is treating you. it will not go away until you recover from the betrayal. i am sure talking it out for how ever long it takes can stop some of your pain and will relieve your tension and mistrust. if you need to do this to move forward so be it. you have to take care of yourself right now or you will make yourself ill try to find some relaxation from this even if it is for a few hours. you need a break. try and wait for your next meeting as it will get worse before it gets better. you may be able to explain to your husband calmly why you need to talk about past things. to clear your mind and to find peace and a way of moving forward so that the things that have hurt you in the past do not rear up again in the future. you need to say it, he needs to listen. this works both ways. if said at the next meeting you no doubt will be guided by the person who is working through your problems. i am sure that they will find a way for both of you to come to terms over what needs to be said and heard from the both of you. thinking of you. try and rest your mind for a while and sleep well if you can. try and eat well also, so you are in shape to fight another day. i am sure you want to save your marriage so you have to be fit to engage in the battles that lie ahead of you. giving you a big hug, be brave and lead the way forward tell your man you are having a rest until the next meeting and be ready to bring your need to talk and his anger up then.
Lunazeenut – your husband does not “get it” and is still in the “fog”. You both need to read books – Try “After the Affair” and “Not Just Friends”. You can get them at a bookstore or order them on Amazon. Infidelity is HUGH for the betrayed spouse. I would recommend reading these books chapter by chapter together and discussing them. It is painful for both of you but needs to be done in order to heal. I agree with Alicia. You only found out about this betrayal 6 weeks ago and it was the third! Again, I recommend the website http://www.survivinginfidelity.com. Read the healing library for betrayed spouses. Read all the articles that pertain to you – you may want to do the 180 – it tells about it there. If your therapists is not addressing this with you both and supporting of you you need another therapist who is experienced in dealing with infidelity. You need to heal and it will take a long time – years – and if your husband won’t step up to the plate then, take responsibility, talk it out with you again and again then it will never work. Please take care of yourself. This is about YOU now, not about him. It’s now time for both of you to focus on YOU and your pain and healing. There an article about what every unfaithful spouse should know. You can goggle it – it starts out something like – OK you’ve been unfaithful and been found out now comes the fall out. I think it’s rules for a betrayed spouse. Also on the website is something called “Joseph’s letter” which explains to the offending spouse why the betrayed spouse needs the details etc. I can’t say this enough – he needs to put all his energies into helping YOU heal and work on himself in individual counseling (IC) to find out why he did this and how to fix himself. It’s a long haul – if you both love each other and are willing you can do it but BOTH of you need to do the hard work. They say it takes 2 and a half years to 5 years to heal from an affair – sometimes more. We are in our third year and are just getting to the point where we see a light at the end of the tunnel. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
I don’t know anything about infidelity but everything about the effects of abuse……36 years followed by a divorce and 8 years later? I still suffer from it. There are some things you don’t get over, but find a way to live with.
If you don’t feel safe in talking about your feelings, there is nowhere to go. You have to feel safe to be able to say whatever you are feeling, without wprrying about backlash later on.
Backstory : my 55 year old reservist husband was activated into this current war. He had to walk away from his lucrative self owned company and family to active duty. He had served and been highly decorated during the Vietnam war 30 years earlier . He returned with a crushed back and significant pTSD, compounded by the previous war. When he left I was a functional competent woman so I took on the role of strong military wife. When he returned he felt broken, old, and unneeded. The truth was he wasn’t needed for the every day things, the ways I needed him were subtle and since his mind was clouded by mental and physical pain, he couldn’t see those ways.We had a friend who had fallen on very hard times, he asked her to stay in our guest room and let us help get on her feet. It turned out she was a junkie. The harsher I became with her, the more my husband wanted to save her. I packed her bags a threw her out. My husband saw me as a harpy and, unknown to me, put her up in a hotel. He then saw the two of them as misfits….he would save her through love and she would need him. I found a letter to her…after I thought she was long out of our lives, with plans for husband to run away with her.
I don’t think anyone really knows how they will react to infidelity until it happens. I moved out because he wouldn’t . But we shared a life together and it was a good one. I didn’t want the break up of family and friends. I sought counseling and demanded he do the same. We fought through it. We are still in love…but he still struggles with his PTSD and survivor guilt so I don’t trust him. He broke that trust and it can’t ever be re earned , there is often a doubt after he’s been out for an afternoon. I don’t throw it in his face..it is the unspoken cost of keeping our marriage and 99% of the time, it’s a fair price for having the family and love we share. He carries guilt and often apologizes for it out f the blue. Even after 7 years it is a sore spot and a stain on our hearts but we talk about it when we need to…it doesn’t hold mystery or power because we are still in the fight together .
Wow…that struck home….your comment “He would save her through love, then he would feel needed by her”. We often go to great lengths to feel ‘needed’. As a mom, it happens daily. No one wants to feel unappreciated. I’ve had someone give me too much attention until I screamed ‘stop’, because it was not wanted. Then I have given above and beyond to another ‘needy’ man, because I just wanted their attention in return. How do we find a healthy balance ? I was crushed by infidelity, and it took years to heal. Today I seek comfort in God, my grandchildren, and wise female friendships….likely because I can show my vulnerabilities without fear of them hurting me.
for some reason we get the blame for loving too much and it hurts!
It took several years before my husband could admit the enormity of what his actions did. His affair was emotional only because the junkie only wanted his money and strung him along. That doesn’t mitigate his betrayal. He loved someone else.. it was some time before I believed that it wasn’t physical but it really didn’t matter.
What shocked me was the depth of my shame. I was a feminist. People saw me as definate, firm, and moral. I was/am well respected… and at that time I wondered why I just rolled over. I talked big talk before about throwing an adulterer out with no chance of forgiveness. There I was fighting to save a marriage with someone who had openly humiliated me. I knew my desition was the best for self and family… I didn’t care whether it was best for him, but because of the strident voices of other women who, like I had, thought I was choosing wrong, I couldn’t talk about what was happening. I felt self-doubt, shame, humilation, betrayal, grief, rage, loss.
Luckily, I had a friend whose partner was doing the same thing and had made the same choices. We held on to one another.
It was because I was strong and clear that I could make the hard choice for myself. It’s because I am am faithful and spiritual that I can survive the everpresent doubt (it will never go away) and not make him pay and pay and pay.
As long as the wife knows what’s in stoe and makes the diecision for herself and family (because in my book what’s good for the kids come first) I will never judge. Its that judgement from other women that is almost as damaging as the betrayal from the spouse.
you are very wise and have the head and heart of a tiger to stay so strong. i hope your man knows how lucky he is. to have you. granny beth write the book ….you have the t shirt. it would be a book of a woman having more courage to save her family than any courage i have seen from any man in my lifetime. you give hope and you can’t buy that, keep going and keep writing.
I have found that the devil looks for opportunies to attack you when you are down, or least expecting it. Preditors are like that! My husband and I have always had a pretty good relationship. But when our last two daughters were getting near the time when they’d be going away to school, we began planning, places we’d go, things we’d do, people we’d seek out etc. After raising five daughters we looked forward to our empty nest. Then our daughter number four got sick. In fact she lost her mind, had a lesion on her brain, was in the hospital for three months part of the time in ICU. When she came home, she still needed lots of care. Our family was shaken to it’s core. I tried to remain upbeat. We had not lived in the city we were in for very long and I had looked for a hairdresser who’d be right for all of us..like the one we’d had back home. I finally thought I’d found her. I told my husband I think we’ll all like her and she will work out..well of course you know what happened next. A three month affair and him coming home and crying like I’ve never seen him cry before and beggin my forgiveness..but then..he defended her and said the affair was all his fault..that really made me mad! I said Oh I noticed the long neck massages you were getting with your haircuts..and you mean to tell me you didn’t know what she was doing? If you don’t know a whore when you see one how on earth can I ever trust you again? Long talks into the wee hours for years ..learning to communicate much better has helped. will I ever truely trust again..I’m not sure..I doubt it..my first husband left me for another woman and then tried to return..but I knew he’d do it again..was only sorry he got caught..I don’t keep my feelings to myself anymore. If I smell the slightest hint of a rat I say so..forgiveness is good,trust is better, we all do things we are sorry for..keep on loving , keep it real and God Bless.
Forgiveness is fine, watching over your shoulder is fine. Please ensure finances are in your control, and set aside some money JIC (just in case), in case you want to leave, leave on a vacation, leave to visit a daughter, JIC money and begin to document, document, document, keep notes on what is happening when where and how much. And forgiveness is fine except that he is not yours to forgive. It is his forgiveness that is missing, and he needs to do it to you and to himself. Otherwise changes are it will happen again. No consequences, no need to change.
What is mean is — IF it is always someone’s fault, likely yours in the case of his infidelity, what are you hoping to accomplish. At some point in or out of therapy he has to take responsibility for himself. Unfortunately for him it is never “someone else’s fault”. The mirror know and the mirror does not lie. What does he mean “he doesnot know what made him do it”; oh please!! Too many of us have heard that too many times, and the road back from infidelity is often too long and too rocky for men to manage. They just want the little wifey at home to ALSO pay attention to them … even those who do nothing differently to earn the requested respect. “They” just keep taking and hope your memories fade. Watch out he will make it your fault, just hang in there long enough to hear those words.
THere are many variations of the infidelity story. Mine involved 23 years of marriage and a husband that had an off again/on again affair with a former college girlfriend. I tried everything; counseling, forgiving, Retrouvaille weekend and followup only to have the affair surface over and over…actually 5 times before I ended it. It was always someone else’s fault(usually mine) though he would take a little bit of responsibility. Whenever I would find out they were talking or seeing each other he would beg, cry, promise andI wanted to believe he loved me, for myself and the kids. I almost had a nervous breakdown through it all. It is extremely difficult to make it work after infidelity, especially repeat, especially if they will not see that this is THEIR problem and must be addressed. I wish you well but I also caution you to draw some lines in the sand and don’t cross over them. Two years post divorce and life is so much better, other than financially. I don’t have to wonder what he is doing, I am able to be myself, I am moving on. If you can make a good life for yourself with him, then go for it. I am sure you can make a good life without him.
It seems I’ve started a large conversation! I’m not sure if anyone is writing to me anymore, but it’s all very interesting. I know I could be happy alone, as I was before I met my husband. I am more financially stable than he is, and have a great family…..those are not my concerns. Do I want to stay with him because of all the good in our relationship, the shared passions and dreams? Most likely. I’ve given it six months…..if there is change between us (me less of a doormat and him stepping up to the plate more often), the answer will be yes. If there is no change, I will move on, endure the harsh violent pain until it passes and I can walk another path…Lunazeenut
Lunazeenut, I was talking directly to you. I once used the same words as you, had the same longings and hope for it to somehow work out. I hope your husband is different from my ex-husband. I just know that most who commit infidelity, especially repeat infidelity, do not change. Perhaps your husband is the exception.
It would be a tragedy for you to put your life on hold while he makes up his mind. It is what you want, what you are willing to do, and how you want the relationship. It is unrewarding for you to wait for this man to turn into your dream. It is also pointless for you to bemoan the loss of the man you wanted him to be.
In the event that he puts you first, respects you and all that is you, then there is a space for you. When he fails to do that there is no space for you.
Put your best interests first, make your life so interesting anyone would want to “hang out” with you. Consider how much of your energy is spent on “him”. When you release that there is space for more energy and new people. Set a boundary and keep it, in the event he does not respect that — well, you can either move the boundary again and again, or you can stand your ground. When you stand your ground you cease to delay the inevitable. If he wants to go he will go and it will have nothing to do with you. That is the sadness.
then it will be your choice how the rest of your life works out if you have got to this stage. the pain passes if you move on but if you stay in the same place and nothing changes you live with it until one of you dies. but you do have a choice where many women feel they don’t kids money and housing force them to live unhappy lives. so you do have that chance to escape. it just is very hard to leave in the first place and you are giving it a shot to make it work.