Starting over at 59 Hot Conversation

Is anyone else out there 59 or there around that age starting over? I was married 38 years to an impossible guy and divorced last year. I was left in a very bad financial place, with a run down home to fix up. Sorry if I sound so tired and bitter.

Posted in love & sex.

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15 Responses

  1. Generic Image Framediva@aol.com says

    Personally, I think one of the most magical, exhilarating experiences I’ve ever known is being 59 in the 21st century in America.  I’m finally comfortable enough in my own skin that I no longer concern myself too much about what other people think.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I don’t care, but it is that I’m living a life that allows me freedom of choice without having to look constantly over my shoulder for approval or disdain.  Life has afforded me enough knowledge, love and experience that I am proud of the woman I’ve become and understand there are myriad possibilities and I’m limited only by my perceptions of reality.  Wisdom also allows for the understanding and embracing of the laws of attraction; that said, then anything is possible.  I read an obit recently of Estelle Reiner’s; it was significant because I am also a performer.  Mrs. Reiner was married to Carl Reiner, father of Rob Reiner.  Long story short, Estelle began a singing career at 65 years old and sang until she died at 95.  Now that’s what I call reinventing yourself and I believe I am well on my way.

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    • Generic Image musiclady says

      Thanks for the encouragement. I actually have started a GOAL BOOK FOR 2009.i am beginning to do things I enjoy, I am a musician, and am working on improving my ability to play and share my love for music with others. It is very hard to like yourself, I have self esteem issues. I hope I can get to the point to where I love and appreciate who I am and my knowledge and experience. I have been able to see some results from my sharing.

       

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  2. Generic Image dacesa22 says

    I am 53 and going thru every type of life drama possible.  At first I was almost paralyzed by the anxiety and the fear uncertainty brought on.  I read Deepak Chopra’s “The 7 Spriitual Laws for Success” and the first chapter helped changed my perspective.  Uncertainty means we have unlimited potentiality ahead of us – we are no longer limited or defined – anything and everything is possible.  Good luck!

    3 like

  3. Generic Image dddanse says

    Similar, but different.  I was widowed at 56.  My very healthy, very virile, very strong handsome husband discovered two small blue-black grapes behind his left ear.  Within 15 months of us learning that this was a very serious melanoma, he was gone.  And I discovered the financial security that I thought I had, I did not. In fact, I was left in terrible financial debt that I was totally unaware of.  I lost my husband, my lover, my best friend and my financial stability as I knew it.   Whee!  I was lost.  For 35 years I have not had to totally take care of myself and now I was facing resolving problems that were not of my making and had no idea what to do.

    Number one suggestion – find someone, anyone, who can sit down with you and help you figure out the financial mess and how you can move forward.  I spent months, and I mean months, of weekly meetings with a friend who helped me sort out my bills, how to organize my files, how to negotiate and pay off what I could and how to handle those I couldn’t at the moment.

    Number two suggestion – be able to accept help from others.  This was the most difficult for me as I was always the one who took care of others.  Let people know that you need help and will accept the help offered.

    Number three suggestion – see a counselor to help you get over your bitterness and anger.  It will hold you back. Believe me, I was angry that he died.  I was angry that he left me in such a mess.  I was angry at myself for not knowing what was going on in my life.  Verbalizing all of this helped me to get rid of my anger.

    Number four suggestion – get into meditation, yoga, tai chi, or similar classes to help you center yourself and find some inner peace.  YOU deserve the best, but only you can bring it to yourself.  For a long time the only times of the week that I would find true serenity was during my yoqua/ai chi water classes.  I would allow myself to release all doubt, anger, frustrations, and fears and to accept peace and calmness.  At least for a few hours, even sometimes a day or two, I’d be able to breath deeply and smell the sweetness around me.

    Number five suggestion – find a group and do something that makes you happy.  Explore new avenues and new people.  I finally discovered “meetups.com” online where you can find groups interested in many area or can form your own.  Getting out and meeting new people, exploring new things that I always wanted to try has helped me a lot.

    In closing…a friend sent me a note shortly before the holidays and the first anniversary of my husband’s death and asked me how I was handling my “new reality”.  It hit me – that was exactly what I was facing….MY NEW REALITY. 

    Please don’t think that things have been easy for me since Jim’s death.  I still have meltdowns and not a day goes by that I don’t find myself crying or feeling depressed sometime, but these moments last shorter duration and are not as intense.  I awake each day, put one foot in front of the other, and try to move forward.  After the first year passed things eased up some.  Each day is less painful.  Each day I am stronger.

    You too, will move forward and rediscover your life.  Writing here – asking for help was one big step forward.

    3 like

    • Generic Image Lunaclair says

      Congratulations dddanse!!!! You are really someone who serves as an example for others in the same situation. Keep moving! Best wishes!

      1 like

  4. Generic Image emad57 says

    I am turning 52 this year – single Mom forever – Registered Nurse and I claimed bankruptcy 2 weeks ago.  It’s a shock to find yourself in these situations past 50!  My savings, all of insurance policies – everything for my ‘old age’ is gone.  I’m starting anew.  It didn’t happen overnight – I wasted a lot of years worrying instead of taking action.  In my own defense though I was pretty depressed during those years but I didn’t seek medical attention either.  Those are my should-haves.  Nothing I beat myself up with but lessons I’ve learned and can pass on.

    I don’t know if you have kids.  I found my adult sons’ reaction to his super strong Mother falling down has been the hardest part of all this.  He doesn’t see what I see now.  I look at this as a new begining.  There are obstacles in my way but I have a plan now and I’ll climb this little mountain and make it to the other side.  What I know is that anything is possible and there’s nothing I can’t do.  As a white female I am facing an obstacle that is old for others but new for me – prejudice.  The prejudice of ageism.  But it is only an obstacle.  I’m in control of my life now and I will work around that obstacle too.  There are so many baby boomers out there now that we can help each other. 

    I love dddanse’s advice.  All excellent advice.  Allow others to help you.  That is tough – especially when you’re the one who helps everyone else.

    I’m happy to see you leave a bad marriage behind.  Life is so very, very short – no matter how long you live.  Don’t waste another second.  Now you get to live for what is good.  For what works for you.  Do those things that bring you happiness.  Don’t ponder on what others may think – place those concerns on the shelf and leave them there.  Soon they’ll be forgotten.  Focus on you and on your happiness.

    Good Luck!  Be strong and know that you are not alone!

     

     

     

    2 like

    • Generic Image emad57 says

      This is my PS – LOL – you know those afterthoughts? LOL  I just want to add that for every problem you see, there is a solution.  In fact there are a number of solutions.  You need to right down every possible - for example – what to do with the house?  Give it thought – don’t waste a lifetime on that thought – choose the best solution for right now.  Take action and know that at this moment in time that this was the best choice.  You might find that you’ll decide to do something else 6 months from now or a year from now.  That’s ok too.  That’s growth but never second guess yourself on that initial decision.  Just remember – it was the best choice for right now. 

      I noticed also that your letter came under the heading of “love and sex”.  None of us have talked about love and sex LOL.  That’s because you have to work on you first and get rid of all that extra baggage.  If you happen to bump into someone extra special on your new vogage to rediscovering you – all the better! ;o)

      Cheers!

      1 like

  5. lifeworkdesigner lifeworkdesigner says

    I was in your place almost 10 years ago when I walked away from 32 years of marriage.  The only difference is that I left him with the falling down house.  That meant 2 years in a small apartment but I survived.  Over the course of the last nine years I have been able to finally find myself again and be proud of who I am.  I moved 800 miles to be close to my children and grandsons, started over in a new field and then started building my own business about 4 years ago.  I now have a wonderful circle of women friends from 45 – 70, a place in a spiritual community that nourishes me, something to do that gets me out of bed in the morning.  I’ve recently re-connected with a man I was attracted to a few years ago but I wasn’t ready for a relationship back then – I was too busy working on me.  Now I find I am ready and open to giving this relationship a chance but I will maintain my independence in some ways from now on. The cool thing is that he respects that.     

    ddance gave you excellent advice – I won’t reiterate.  I know the tired and bitter feelings well, but I can assure you that the woman who was there 39 years ago is still there only she can be so much better now.  Start digging deep to find her; take the time to decide what you value and what your priorities are and start re-building one small step at a time.  Isolation is the enemy – reach out for help, find a couple of good women who will become great friends and don’t look back.   You’ll make it!   

    2 like

    • Generic Image kanmko says

      Hi lindatall2, I’ve come from a situation that I say to myself, I’ll write the movie, that’s the only way for people to understand what happened. That said, one of the things that really helped me to not be so down on myself, and to get over being gotten over on, was helping others. I had heard the idea on an interview with parents of one of the 9/11 victims, their son. The mom was relating how much the loss had meant to them both, and how destroyed they had felt. Finally, she said that instead of mourning and staying depressed, they decided to see how they could help someone else. So they got involved with a charity that helped overseas or something. (You could help in your own neighborhood, if you wanted, I’m sure.) As a result, they came out of their own funk, though it wasn’t automatic, but it did eventually happen, and when they saw that so many people had gone through worse things than even they had gone through, they were able to get over their own loss, and become productive in helping others at the same time.

      I know that it isn’t easy, because you actually have to forget about yourself, when you are helping someone else. But the very action of forgetting about yourself, is about the best thing that you could do for yourself when blue/black is the color of choice. It’s funny, but as soon as you do forget about yourself, then you’re able to take care of yourself better, because you can see the real you, and realize what to do to take care of yourself. It’s always good to know that it is our choice to think about what we think about. If we choose to think about negative thoughts, we will encourage those negative juices to swirl through our body to support those negative thoughts. On the other hand, if we choose to think about positive things that are real and make us feel good, then positive chemicals swirl through our bodies instead. It’s a fact!

      Check your thoughts and words or comments out. Get rid of putting yourself and/or others down for a day, and see if you don’t feel better by the end of the day. Once you have a better outlook about yourself, you’ll attract others who’ll be interested in getting to know you for who you are, and not so much for your circumstances. And last of all, circumstances do change, especially when you have the attitude that’s helpful in changing them — confidence. It comes! Hold onto it when it does!

      A smile is more than a frown turned upside down. It’s the joy that is found in the heart.

      1 like

    • Generic Image pma1000 says

      I too feel like the future looks pretty bleak, I am staying with a hateful daughter that talks to you like you are trash. No I don’t have  job, I am 53 and scared to death!!  It all started in March of 2008, I was working two jobs, got myself out of debt, was finally able to start saving money, but then I fell and broke my foot in several places, which made me have to quit one of my jobs, then I got laid off, now no job! Had shoulder surgery in January 2009.  I feel like live is heading downwards and really where can it go from here?  I too wish I have the inspiration of these other women, but for some weird reason I am not motivated one bit. I have been looking for work everywhere, no such luck.  I don’t have family or friends I can turn to for help, it’s really sad.  It seems so bleak, my head is everywhere yet nowhere. I think what I did get from these posts, is helping others, I think on Monday I am going to look into this way for help, I have so much time on my hands while recovering it is driving me crazy and it certainly doesn’t help living in a situation where you hate living.  I try to look at it as I am lucky to have a house to live in and really I am, but I had to realize the worse thing in any mothers life, is that her only daughter has serious issues and is so hateful and rude and no support what so ever, she is the same to her young girls.  So does life get better, shoot I’ve been without work several times in my life but it has never looked this bad before, I too am sorry for being such a bummer, but you know, I don’t understand how you all do it.

      0 like

  6. Generic Image kanmko says

    Hi musiclady, I’m still getting used to the response format. I had answered lindatall2, and do feel that the answer applies to you. Just to add to that…Look at each thing that you have to take care of as a separate issue that you write down on a sheet of paper as a list of things to do. Whenever possible and as soon as possible, and take care of each issue, one at a time, until you complete it. When you do, cross it off of the list. Sometimes, our problems are so abstract, that the real issues that we have to deal with become blurred as well, in the process, and all of it just looks like one big blob of BLAH.

    But figure out what you can actually do something about, and do it. What will happen is that, the long list of stuff that needed to be done, will become a shorter list of things yet to be taken care of. What you have finished, you can now smile and feel good about, and the stress that came with the long list, will also decrease. What you cannot change (this is where you have to be really honest with yourself), — realize this, you really cannot change it, and let it go. Maybe you can change it later, but if you can’t do it now, understand that now is not the time, and move on to the next item on the list.

    What’s the use in worrying about what you cannot change.

    49 and 59 seems to be the new 30 and 40 from what I hear (and I must admit, from how I often feel), so take advantage of the new state of mind that is available to you (us). Thank goodness, you physically survived your marriage. Some women do not. Now that you have, give thanks, and get ready to get your new found energy together to move in ways that you may never have moved before. Anybody with a name like musiclady is already on the right track. Get yourself a theme song that you can listen to, and get ready to get moving. That’s how you start. (Get Ready, Get Set, … GO!!!) You can do it

    1 like

  7. Ainslee Grace Ainslee Grace says

    You and all of us have a right to sound tired and bitter  once in a while.  Don’t apologize. Sometimes life sucks! I know, I worked hard for 35 years, was a single mother of a wonderful child, ran two businesses, owned a lovely small home in a good area on the waterfront, raised perrennials and cats, and loved my life. At 50 I was in the best shape of my life and although our lives were frugal, we had fun.  I was also dating the most “eligible bachelor” in town, our Police Chief, whom I thought was my best friend.

    At 51 the axe fell. I had a seizure and after several weeks in hospital I found I had MS and was having a relapse. I want even aware I had it.  I was completely disabled. Had to close my 2 business, lost my health insurance, sold most of my valuable belongings to live, filed bancruptcy, lost my home, lost my cars and the worst, lost my kitties.

    The handsome guy couldn’t take it and left. My friends and clients, busy with their lives went on without me. I was in bed or a wheelchair for almost  three years.

    I became invisisble, my son at 17 had just entered college, (I had put an irrevokable trust away for him that nobody could touch, so he could go to college no matter what!) He was now the man of the house, student, child, man, caregiver, psychologist, support, & son.  We moved to a welfare motel, and he gave up NYU to stay at home and attend a small state college.  Finally, I ended up alone in a rooming house run by a church rectory, for disabled women.  My son and I fought to stay together but nobody would help us. He now lives with his lovely girlfriend and has finished college.

    Well, it took me a year to get thru the loss, grief, depression, anger, acceptance, but it’s true, we do have to go through these stages before we can heal.  Now I am 58, in this economy I am lucky to have a place to live, food stamps, welfare and Massachusetts’ excellent health care.  I pay alot of my welfare for broadband, and have found that writing keeps me sane. It also allows me contact to friends lost, family living far away, and Vibrant Nation. 

    I used to cry over all the things I would never get to do, and now I look forward to starting over.  I was an accountant, and I lost it all.  I’m learning what I can live without.  It takes time to regain your footing, but you are not alone.   Throw yourself in to fixing up that old house a little, garden, etc. I notice you still call it a “home”….that’s great!  As many of the other women responding to you, find a friend or neighbor who can help you start taking little steps toward organizing your  finances.  Ask for help!!!!  Find people in your community who can help you through town government.  Often the best assistance is hidden and not obvious. 

    I have started to claw my way out of the dark hole I was thrown into, I get up each day with a list of things to do, and if I get one or two accomplished I reward myself.  Women are so used to multi-tasking and we need to slow down.  Make sure you are represented by a great lawyer, preferably a woman!  Find a counselor, again a woman, who understands your situation. (This is often trial and error)

    I will say, right now, many Americans are having to start over. Most of us are in shell shock with you.  You are not alone. Keep reading the messages from VN, you’ll find straight forward input. Women are so lucky in comparison to men, that we can share and support others even in our worst times.  You are part of a community here and writing can be one of the most therapeutic forms of cleansing your soul.

    Someone told me yesterday that I didnt look a day over 40….I was pleased and embarassed. But, I own my  age now and firmly believe that “50 is the new 50!!!”  

    Ciao, Ainslee Grace

    2 like

  8. MrsB MrsB says

    I’m 57 and enjoying my life after getting rid of a husband that just wasn’t up to me expectations. I have been raising my daughter and myself, along with cats and dogs for the past 10 years. I went back to college in Jan 2010 to get my Sociology/Psychology degree and have founf it to be one of the most interesting experiences I’ve had in a long time. I also took a 12 week course in Foster Parenting and have decided that adoption may be better suited to my interests in raising more than one child. I find that reading, knitting and keeping positive are all steps in theright direction for my sanity and soul. Each of us must make our own way in the world, independent of each other. A spouse is wonderful to have if he’s wonderful. If not, he’s dead weight and a huge drain on depleting my mental energy and physical resources. Make a new life for yourself. If you don’t have children, then the way is a bit easier. Maybe relocation to a sunny climate is in your cards. Or, volunteer work with schools, who have a huge need for free laborers that can volunteer to help children read or learn basic math. You are a valuable person and need to do something positive for yourself now. Don’t let the loss of one relationship affect the rest of your life. Maybe you need to get some things resolved in yor life-a college degree, clean your house, paint a room in your house, decorate, donate your services to someone else in nedd, start a knitter’s group, book club, etc. Go to a favorite site of mine at http://www.meetup.com and plug in your zip code for various activity groups in your area that are free to join. there are walking clubs, morning coffee klatches, etc. Good luck and spread the love.

    1 like

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