When your partner’s technique needs work

Here's a taboo topic. One reason you may be less interested in sex has nothing to do with your health or menopause. The truth is, you may be less interested in because your partner is not an effective lover.

This topic is taboo because if you love your partner, you may not want to admit to yourself that you could be more interested if he or she were more talented in bed. You may have figured this out a long time ago, but you don't know what to do about it.

You are afraid to hurt your partner's feelings, or you are afraid that they will be so upset over a negative comment that they will try and prove their sexual prowess elsewhere. It's a dilemma.

Still, honesty is required here. If your partner's kisses or caresses don't turn you on and you say nothing, you are robbing both yourself and your partner of a better connection. If a male partner has an orgasm within thirty second of beginning intercourse, it is possible for him to learn more control — but only if you tell him that you can't get freely passionate when you know sexual intercourse is going to end just about the time you turn on.

Perhaps your partner is too rough or too gentle — people's sexual styles vary greatly. Your partner may not know that you are not as turned on as you could be or that your ability to have an orgasm is being impeded because his previous partner thought he was a great lover (or told him he was).

It's time to give your partner honest, accurate feedback. But you need a way of talking about sex that is not ego-crushing but does allow the two of you to have a mutually fulfilling sex life.

In my VN Health Guide, Great Sex after 50, I discuss specific things that might make sex more fun and more on target to your needs, but let’s precede that information by talking about the kind of communication that you need to improve your sex life together.

1. Recognize what are the specific things your partner does that are not arousing to you.
   If you now know that some (or all) of the ways your partner makes love to you are not getting you aroused, you need to think about what exactly you would like different. When you approach your partner, you have to be fair and clear; it is neither fair nor clear if you say, “It just isn't working, and I am frustrated and unhappy.” You need to think about the specifics your partner could work out with you. For example:
   • "I need to be kissed longer and harder (or softer). Or if you would kiss my ears and neck I would love it."
   • "You are touching my clitoris too directly. I need you to stroke the outside area and not directly on top of the clitoris."
   • "When we have intercourse, I love it. But it lasts only three minutes. We need to work on making it last longer; otherwise I just can't get aroused enough."
   • "You touch my breasts too hard. I know I used to like that, but now for some reason it needs to be much softer."
2. Pick a good time to talk.
   Don't bring up your complaints in the midst of another argument. Don’t talk about sexual issues in the middle of sex. And don't talk about his technique if the relationship is in a particularly rocky moment. The relationship should be in good shape (if it isn’t, fix that first). The mood should be positive. There should be privacy. And the atmosphere should be intimate and supportive, not angry.
3. Make strongly supportive introductory statements about your feelings and your desires for the best relationship possible.
   Then tell the truth: You need some physical approaches that are different from what you've been doing and you’d like your partner to collaborate with you about increasing satisfaction and passion together. Ask also what your partner would like you to change or add. Be open and not defensive if your partner also has a list of things that aren’t working or acts or approaches that are different than the ones you presently use.
4. Concentrate on fixing one thing at a time.
   Don't sandbag your partner with a laundry list of complaints, even if there are many things that aren't going well. Don't overwhelm each other by changing everything at once. So, for example, even if you aren't thrilled with the way you kiss together, deal first with premature ejaculation and go back and solve kissing styles later (or vice versa, but just tackle one issue at a time).
5. Laugh, experiment, and remember you are partners and are jointly trying to solve a problem. No blame, no fault.
   Any progress at all should be applauded. Show you really appreciate (as you should) the fact that your partner is trying something new in order to please you.

How to create and sustain a genuinely satisfying sexual life in middle age? The new Vibrant Nation Health Guide Great Sex After 50: A Woman's Guide to Getting Her Mind, Body and Relationship Ready for Pleasure by Dr. Pepper Schwartz can help.

Sometimes there is just one problem in a heterosexual relationship — and it's a big one. Middle-aged women with male partners often have a man who has some level of erectile dysfunction. If a man has never had erectile problems before he got older, the problem usually has physiological origins.

However, even if biological changes are involved, once erections are more difficult to achieve or are not as firm as they used to be, a man's mental reaction to the problem can make erections even more unlikely. The changing nature of his erections can totally unnerve a man who is used to judging his talent as a lover by how hard he is or by how long he can maintain a serviceable erection. When his erection will not last for over five minutes or is sometimes not strong enough to enter into a vagina, some men will get depressed and stop trying to have sex.

Overcoming denial

Some men also go into denial. If you notice that the erections are no longer as hard or last less time, you may be surprised when your partner says it’s all in your head and everything is like it used to be. This is especially true if the erection is hard before entering the vagina but becomes limp inside. Your partner may genuinely not perceive the change in the same way you do. Even if he does experience his erections as unpredictable or too soft, he may be too humiliated to admit to it or talk about it.

How to talk about ED

This requires some compassionate approaches. First you have to ascertain if he has noticed the change in his erections. If he has, then you can talk about what to do about it. You can get him some material on the issue, read it yourself, and talk about how common it is for older men. The conversation could go something like this:

1. Put the problem in context. Reassure him that he is exciting to you on so many dimensions that this is just one small piece of the puzzle and not anywhere near as important as the feelings and attraction you share.
2. Still, having intercourse is an act you have shared before and he has taken great pleasure in (as have you), and you have read that it's probably easily fixable!
3. Would he like to consider going to a doctor and seeing what options are available for more firm erections?

Of course, he, like the rest of the world, knows about prescription medications for ED. But he may not know that each of them has a different formula and that each of them can be calibrated at various dosages. He may also not know how utterly common using the drugs is for men over 50.

If your partner will go and see his doctor, he can also find out if there are other ways of dealing with erectile difficulties that don't involve swallowing a pill. There are penile shots (sounds bad, but actually these shots are not reported as painful by the men who use this method) and also implants. If lack of an erection is holding him back from initiating or enjoying sex, getting him to see a medical professional or talking about it first with a psychological professional might be the key to reactivating his sexual desire – and thereafter igniting yours.

What has worked to improve your partner’s technique? Please share your own advice in the comment section below.

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Dr. Pepper Schwartz is a sexual health expert and the author of the new Vibrant Nation health guide, Great Sex after 50.