I lost my husband six years ago. He lost his wife two years earlier. Mutual friends, sensitive to the grief we still felt after losing beloved life partners, thought we’d be good for each other and urged him to call me.
“I live in New York,” he protested. “The city’s full of available women. Why would I travel to Washington DC to meet someone?” I had some doubts, too. “I’m not so young,” I thought. ”Do I want a man who is a whole nine years older than I am?!”
We fell head over heels almost immediately. We enjoy the same humor, the same music, the same food, the same politics, the same social interaction with the same friends. The sex is incredible.
We’ve been together for two years and we’re talking of moving in together – not marrying, just cohabiting, with all the legal paperwork necessary to protect our children’s inheritances and permit us to be viewed as partners when medical decisions must be made.
We spend most of our time at my address. Every three weeks or so he drives home to maintain his house, visit his doctor or dentist, and spend time with his children and grandchildren. We’ve stayed briefly at his home, but living there together is not an option — for several reasons, including that I work full time and he’s retired.
Why should we live together? Because we share a comfortable mutual dependency. Because we are actively social as a couple, both as guests and as hosts. Because our kids think it’s silly that we don’t. Because it’s far less expensive for us to maintain one house instead of two.
But if our present system is working, why change it? I’m getting a bit nervous. And although he speaks enthusiastically about moving in with me, I think the idea – starting with the logistics of moving from a home he’s occupied for some 30 years — may be daunting for him.
When he leaves my home to go to his own four hours away I mourn for a few minutes and then get busy with the things I like to do by myself. I know he does the same. He loves to cook, does his own laundry, irons his own shirts, cleans his own house. He bikes and hikes. He reads spy novels as well as the science books that feed his physicist mind.
I feel tethered in the sense that he calls every evening and frets if I’m not at home or otherwise accounted for. Would I feel uncomfortably limited if we lived together full time? Is it worth giving up the chance to stop off for a drink after work with a friend, to shop for shoes without feeling time-pressured, or to read the paper without interruption?
And there’s this. Would I feel a pressure of responsibility for causing him to pull up his roots and relocate? Would I forever wonder if he had regrets, whether he did or not?
May, I have talked with several PS on face lifts and there are several good web sites that have stated a good face lift should last at least 7-10 years. Many last longer. A good one should not pull skin as much as go under the facial muscles and lif
Be honest, talk to your husband.
Magnolia, Your input is always so wise, and I hear you on the heart-based decisions; I’ve made my share of unreasonable choices. I wish you hadn’t had to suffer your bitter divorce. You’re so deserving of better.
In my case, I divorced Mr. Wrong at 24, but when I married the second time, it was to Mr. Right. Both I and my present lover are widowed, with memories of a happy life with a beloved someone.
The experience of a happy marriage is a knowledge base. It’s also a habit of mind. We can share this respect for the past, honor the memories of those we both think of as our life partners. That’s worth a lot, I think.
Besides, he pledges to bring with him only his clothes, his tax records, and his photo albums, bequething to his kids his furniture, pots and pans, art collection — even a stereo system to which he is partial, having finally acknowledged that stereos are no longer the go-to music delivery system. Where can I get a deal like that??! :-)
I will confess, I do not have a happy marriage against which to judge any relationship decisions.
So in that regard, I don’t think you need advice from me. if you are truly happy and feel this content with him, then I wouldn’t be asking anyone else what they thought.
I would make the decision and move ahead in peace.
Magnolia