For women who are going through menopause or have safely arrived on the other side, there are so many confusing messages about sex. Add being single to the mix and you often feel a little like Alice in Wonderland.
It’s one thing to go through life changes and concerns about sagging body parts with a long-term partner who has experienced the passage of time with you. But, to start a new relationship and consider sex with a new person is daunting. Will he be turned off by the less than taut body or the drooping breast line. What if….. what if….. It requires a little mental preparation to head into the world of sex after 50.
Will he be able to have an erection? Suppose he’s flabby and covered with little skin tags and odd patches of white hair? Most conversations about sex after 50 focus on the issues women might have. A recent Vibrant Nation blog by Susan Lee Ward (the persona of VN) talks about the sexual problems older women face. The article is well written and I’m sure it addresses issues experienced by some post-menopausal women. And, since the point of the article is to address the topic of dyspareunia and other problems it is right on target. I say this respectfully, but the article is a bit of a scare for older women. It sounds as if we’re all having painful intercourse and might expect other problems. Or that if we don’t have sex our vaginas will atrophy and close up! Good heavens. Should I run out and ‘jump’ the mailman if he stops by today?
I know my menopause journey has been fairly painless. I still have occasional hot flashes, 2 years after my last period. And, I had a period of night sweats in my late 40′s, but again not too severe. Once I left a very stressful job, all of my symptoms lessened significantly. So this is my disclaimer that I may be only 1% of the population and the rest of you are out there in pain and discomfort 24/7. And, if that is the case, then I urge you to see a female gynecologist who will listen to you and collaborate with you to find solutions.
As a sexually active, divorced woman I have had sex with more than one or two men since I turned 50, so I will talk from a slightly varied (don’t want my kids to get too uncomfortable) experience with men. Dryness? Of course it happens occasionally. Often it’s more about proper arousal and stimulation than anything menopausally related. I have a favorite lubricant which I keep nearby. Pretty simple. Applying it on body parts-mine or his- becomes a sexy part of foreplay. I don’t find it embarrassing or a sign of dysfunction. It’s a fact of life.
I would suggest to every woman who dates to equip herself with a few fun toys and an attractive bag to carry them in. Mine is black, because I worry about my granddaughters finding my stash of sex toys. In that bag I keep a stash of condoms (probably need to check the expiration date), a bottle of lube and some vibrators. There are different kinds of lubes, some are stickier than others, so do a little research–on line or in the bedroom. I am a big proponent of sex toys, self-play and encouraging all women to embrace their sexuality. I talk about this subject on my blog, A Woman’s Page (this takes you to one such post), and I am an affiliate for a sex toy company. You will see their badge displayed on the website.
I think the bigger challenge for older women, not necessarily married women, is in expressing our sexuality in a mutually satisfying way. Dating involves establishing new communications and ways of relating to a man in and out of bed. At this age the men we meet are struggling with their own sexual issues and fighting to keep that feeling of virility they experienced in younger years. Online dating sites are full of men in their 50′s and 60′s looking for younger women. Maybe because younger women make them feel younger themselves? Men tend to brag about their sexual conquests and are ready for sex quickly. About a year ago, I had a first, and only, date with a man who proceeded, in a crowded restaurant, to tell me that he had sex close to 1000 times with his second wife! Women are faced with taking the lead on the topic of sexually transmitted diseases. Women are often facing their partner’s erectile dysfunction and figuring out how to delicately address the issue when it arises in the bedroom.
Let’s start conversing in a positive fashion about sexual encounters after 50. First of all let’s acknowledge the sheer delight and pleasure to be had in a good sexual encounter. Who doesn’t want an orgasm? And, let’s look at ways we can enhance our experience. That conversation will have to include suggestions on how to get a firm grip on his bedroom issues as well. Sex for older women? Heaven or hell? I say let’s strive for heavenly bliss.
My post 50 sexual encounters have been quite positive. It was one of these men who introduced me, quite matter of factly, to the wonders of lube. He told me that if only he had known about it earlier in life it would have made life much easier with his much loved late wife. He was my “single mentor” and when we were separating (he was going back to States and I was staying in Asia) he gave me a gift of his remaining American condoms with the words “You have nothing to worry about in that department”
But it was with the next man, the one who is now a permanent part of my life, that sex got much more exciting (He was the beneficiary of that aforementioned gift). The first time we loved I cried with relief that it could be so good again. He kissed the two caesarian scars, the scar from the appendix surgery, the stretch marks and the sagging breasts. Now I have four more scars from gall bladder surgery – not only was he by my side for surgery, but he kisses those scars too. We may not have sex as often as my first husband and I did in our early years, we may have a few body issues to overcome, but the heart has matured and makes up for where the body has waned.
What a wonderful story. This is exactly the kind of relationship that we all hope to have-loving and accepting. I agree with you that sex after 50 can be quite wonderful. Thank you for sharing your experiences.