My husband had his prostate removed due to prostate cancer 3 1/2 years ago. Prior to the surgery, we had an amazing sex life! Now nothing…We’ve tried everything. The needles work but the erection is painful. So that is useless. He says he has no desire anymore.
I have always exercised and I have maintained my figure at 51. We did go for sex counselling, but he wasn’t interested in learning anything new. As far as he is concerned, it doesn’t work so therefore “forget about it”. He did manage an erection a few months ago and we did attempt intercourse. I feel we need more practice, but he isn’t interested in the least. We still cuddle, but I am extremely frustrated. And I find I am intolerant of anything he does…I have absolutely no patience and most of the time I am irritable with him. I try to bring it up every couple of months, but it escalated into personal warfare.
I realize I am not helping the situation, and I know I am depressed over this. Talking to my doctor hasn’t helped and talking with his doctor with my husband present hasn’t helped either. I almost feel that the medical profession thinks that a lack of sex after 50 is not a big deal. I virtually have no one to talk to about this. I seem to be jealous or envious of other women who appear happy with their husbands. I wish we had what we once had. Following that I wish my husband would attempt to put some effort into this because I feel as if I am drowing in sorrow over this loss in our marriage.
Kudo's to you Alicia! Wow you've accomplished quite a lot in your life and you will with dating too at some point. Hang in there! Hugs back! Lisa
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Holy crap! What a sad story. Congrats on overcoming that hurdle. Wow.
How I would handle it. FIrst, I would get into therapy; that could go a long way to helping you and your difficulties.
Second (boundaries are necessary in life)..when your kids call for advice, I would FIRST ask them what their thoughts are an
Mary, I completely sympathize with you. I’m 64 and married my second husband 17 years ago. Before we wed, we didn’t have intercourse, but were very passionate and sensual ALL the time. As soon as we were married, his interest plummeted. We had sex, but the real passion seemed to have disappeared on his part. Oh, I guess I should mentioned I’m his FIFTH wife … perhaps I should have clued in to something?? This past year, he had six-vessel bypass surgery and a prostatectomy, so now he doesn’t feel he even has to attempt sex. I, too, get irritable and impatient with him, although I try to tell myself every day “It is what is is and there’s no point still reacting.” Our ‘sex life’ was pretty much gone a few years before his surgeries, but I still can’t seem to resign myself to celebacy for the rest of my life. Don’t think I have to courage to leave (and he’s NOT a bad husband otherwise), mainly for financial reasons. Talking to my BFF, we’re both convinced that a lot of women, if handed a good sum of cash, would be off to new lives in a heartbeat. <sigh> Guess I’d better check out all the info on sex toys! Oh, forgot to mention … we went to see a female couples counselor and she point blank said to me, “Oh come on, Maureen, we all know women can get sex whenever they want it.” HUH?? My answer was, “I can only assume you’re suggesting I have an affair?” She and my husband didn’t find that amusing. She further said that “many women don’t put any effort into it and expect their men to do all the work…” Seriously, this woman is licensed!
Wish I had some good advice for you, honey, but nothing I’ve tried has worked, including looooooonnnng talks, blowups, meditation, etc. If you need to talk, I’m here for you.
Maureen
Hi Maureen, This is a 2nd marriage for me. We have been married for almost 5 years and together for 11. I raised my children and he raised his. Once my last child left the “nest”, I moved in and we married shortly after. He is a good man in many ways, but this particular area in our marriage is infecting all other areas in our life together. He is financially secure more than most and I also feel that if I left, I would not have financial security. We are both retired, so we are together day in and day out. And more often than not, it is sadly pathetic. I’m finding that we have little in common and I wonder if sex was the glue that held us secure at one time. I’ve tried sex toys but I find that I am missing the intimacy that masturbation cannot provide. He is not interested in even helping me by stimulation. He has tried in the past, but I can feel he is incredibly bored and uncomfortable with the entire process. And it does become a process at this point. So therefore, I have told him to stop because his attitude wasn’t helping the situation. How can you find enjoyment when your partner is going through the motions and you know he just can’t wait until you get some relief and he can call it quits for the night…!
I also feel that I play the mom role with him and this reduces any respect that I once had for him. Starting over for me also seems like a huge and difficult task and I am also afraid to change it. It seems that I am settling as you say for the security he provides, and the sheer and painful boredom of living in a non-fulfilled marriage. I have very little contact with anyone other than my 3 adult sons and the few people I see on occasion.
My first marriage of almost 20 years was abusive in every possible way. I had to leave him with the boys to go to a shelter, to begin my life anew. We left with nothing. I worked hard to take care of the children and provide for them, but financially I struggled. That 20-year relationship left me with very little self-esteem. My self-confidence is poor at best. My current husband is not abusive. We have a lovely home and a cottage and we do travel, but I feel so very much alone. I avoided making friends in my first marriage because I did not want anyone to get too close to me, to discover the abuse and his controlling behavior. Now I find I miss having female friends more so than ever because of this terrible void in my relationship with my new husband. I am also tired of being a Mom to him and whenever I have made the attempt to stop, he was confused and felt I did not love him. He tells me he loves me every day and says it more than once. I get tired of saying, “I love you too” because I feel my heart isn’t into it. Every day feels as bad as the last and I wish it were not so.
I find it shocking to hear that a so-called counsellor would suggest that you and I and most women in general do not put much effort into sex and that men basically do all the work. What a joke! So apparently if we were putting real effort into making something happen, it would naturally happen…! Hmmm Well if the man involved does not put effort into it, where does that leave us? Well at the sidelines bemoaning our lives and feeling royally ticked off that they don’t seem to be bothered by it. My husband has no intention of ever seeing a therapist again, because according to him they just want his money. To him, this is not his problem. To him, this is solely my problem. He says he doesn’t need sex and why can’t we let sleeping dogs lie..
I’m glad I found this website. It was lovely for me to find some comments beneath my message baring my heart and soul for all to see. After I wrote this, I actually felt sick over the whole idea that I had shared something so personal. But now all I feel is relief and gratitude for you, Anne and ThurmanLady who responded back to me.
Anyway thank you all. I do appreciate your words of comfort. I wish you and your families a very Happy New Year. I hope it is full of peace and happiness and good health. I guess we can’t all have the icing on the cake, can we…So I should probably start counting my blessings instead of my losses. All the very best from me to you…
Mary,
I sympathize with the problems you and your husband are going through. It certainly seems he must be depressed over his medical situation and that must be paralyzing to him. Many men are very ashamed to admit depression and sexual dysfunction.
It sounds as if you have explored all the options available for help. Perhaps personal counseling for you will help give you some tools to deal with your feelings regarding your husband’s issues and emotional availability.Perhaps with some successful counseling sessions, you could talk your husband into joining you.
You should not have to give up the idea of sex, and if your husband could become properly motivated, there is a lot you both can do to feel pleasure and intimacy.
Good luck and I hope you both find your way. It is hard when one person is depressed and does not feel there is anything that can help them.
Anne
With a husband who doesn’t even seem to care about your feelings, I’d put some real thought into this. Your choices: sexless marriage, sex toys by yourself, affair, divorce and a new man. That may not be all of your choices, but it’s all I can think of right now.
A good sex life doesn’t have to involve intercourse, but if your husband is uninterested in even satisfying you, that’s, to me, an indication of selfishness on his part.
First, if you’re not already using sex toys or taking care of yourself, please do it. It would probably help to cut down on the irritability. Next, seek out a good counselor, for yourself, if not for both of you. She will help you with ideas on how to deal with it or making a decision on what you really want for the rest of your life. ♥
I’ve tried both the sex toys and the counselor. Neither were particularly helpful, in that I’m still alone with whatever I use or decide. I guess we’ve become more a mother/son relationship than a husband/wife one … and once I realized that was happening, I stopped doing all the things that made me more ‘Mom-like’, and my husband reacted by asking why I didn’t ‘like taking care of him anymore’. Talking gently about my feelings and our relationship doesn’t seem to elicit any understanding, so I can only assume he has no interest in changing the dynamic. He’s not unintelligent and I can’t think of any other way to reach him. I even wrote a letter to him once and he refused to talk about it.
Starting over seems like a huge and difficult task (even thinking about splitting up the two dogs makes me feel sick), so I guess I’ve decided to ‘settle’ for what I have … security and lackluster days. I’m not proud of this, but I’m afraid to change it.
Yes, starting over is a difficult task. As I read your post I was reminded of a self-help book I’d read called “Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway.” Of course there will be fear. You may be just fine settling for what you have or, one day, you’ll decide that the fear of the unknown will be better than what you have. And, it’s only you that can decide that.
The dogs? I can fully understand that. My two girls (GSDs) are like my kids! Thankfully there was no question that I was taking both dogs when I left. ♥
I’m a little confused here. Is it Mary or Renee who posted this thread? Or is it Renee Mary???
I had yet another meltdown the other day. My BFF and I are leaving for Cancun on December 22 and we’ve been phoning and giggling and cackling and planning and generally having a fabulous time planning our vacation sans men. Of course, my husband has been generally more withdrawn and actually quite bitchy since he realized this long-planned vacation was really going to happen. I’ve been saving up for this for a year (I’m a medical transcriptionist who works from home) and it’s not going to cost HIM a cent.
I gently mentioned to him that it would really make me happy if he could try to share my excitement that I’m going on the vacation my friend and I have been planning for a year. My husband and I went to Las Vegas for my 60th birthday … only time we’ve gone anywhere, other than to visit kids. He got all upset and said of course he’s happy for me and who the hell am I to tell him how he feels???!!! This from the man who had just told me he was pissed off that he’d been ‘unable to phone his son’ the night before because we had tied up the phone (he had plenty of opportunity).
So guess who lost it? Yup, both barrels. I’m not proud of it, but I told him he was a big fat liar (notice the adult terminology here) and I was sick and tired of everything being about HIM. Told him, at volume, that he was an overgrown baby who thought the world revolved around him, and I was tired of being his mother instead of his wife.
Also told him that his lack of concern about MY sexual and relational needs only reinforced his obvious selfishness.
Okay, so that went well.
He walked away and I, of course, started bawling. He came back into my office, started rubbing my shoulders and, when I pulled myself together, asked if he could have a hug. Oy vey. So I gave him a hug, he went to bed (and right to sleep, of course) and I got about two hours’ sleep that night. Once again, it was all about him.
Enough. He gets attention one way or the other, good or bad, and that’s all he needs. I’m not engaging in this nonsense ANY MORE. Going to enjoy my vacation to the max and when I get back, I’ll put my life back in gear. This past year has been taken up with caregiving after his surgeries etc., but he’s well again. I’m going out with girlfriends and take back my life.
Still don’t know if we’ll stay together, but I’m not going to gnaw it to death … I’ll start living again and let each day happen.
How are YOU?????
Have you ever used a penis pump? It’s a popular solution recommended by doctors in this case. Maybe ask your doctor first and then go online to http://penispumpwarehouse.com and pick up one ion the 40 dollar range, make sure to get a ring and this should really help.