One Woman’s Experience with Erectile Dysfunction Most Liked Hot Conversation

Erectile Dysfunction. Uncomfortable. Frustrating. Emotional. Not the end of the world.

Today men can take a pill and voila, in a matter of minutes, find themselves experiencing that same old erection they used to achieve. Harder, firmer… ready to roll. If you’ve never been with a man who has any form of ED it can be an uncomfortable moment. What to do? Do I help? Is it because of me? Can I fix it? Or maybe you’re ready to retreat and find someone more ‘functional’.

The pill is a miracle worker. It can give back that youthful virility and allow him to have successful sexual intercourse. It won’t solve any underlying psychological issues or cure any physiological problems. But, I suspect that the male ego is bolstered by the return of a firm erection and becomes more confident and sexier.

A friend asked me to tell her how it worked, from a practical point. She and her husband are in their late 40′s I think and apparently are not having any issues with ED. And, she knew that I had dated a man who took one of the 3 popular ED medications. I was rather surprised that she didn’t know anything about it, then I realized… many women probably don’t. I’ve talked about this today at A Woman’s Page, and I’ve written about it here on Vibrant Nation.  This is a more personal angle.

My guy took Levitra. Not every day but on those occasions when we were seeing each other. We timed it once. It took about 20 minutes, roughly. It’s difficult to pinpoint. He needs to be aroused to get an erection–the medicine will not cause a spontaneous erection (thank heavens!). From what I observed the meds gave him a firm and larger erection, due to the increased blood flow. So, where he might have lost a little firmness at the crucial moment, with the meds he could sustain an erection through a long period of foreplay and arousal. AND… he could get another erection later in the evening.  That interval might depend on age and the normal process of recovery.

What I found the most fascinating was the change in attitude. An added boost of self-confidence in seeing visual proof of his virility. I found him sexy, period. But men are more defined by their penis than women are by their vaginas.  What a silly sentence. Just as men talk about their jobs as an extension of who they are. Their penises are often the focal point of their sexuality.

I used to think the downside of dating men my age (57) and older was the whole issue of flaccidity. Aging and all its droopy bits and pieces. Well… sex is not just about intercourse and there are myriad ways we can pleasure ourselves and our partners. Honestly, since the men aren’t listening, intercourse for me is less exciting than other forms of stimulation. Though I do love the intensity and intimacy that comes from intercourse. And, the advent of Viagra, Levitra and Cialis means I can have it all.

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Posted in A Woman's Page, love & sex, sexual health.

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20 Responses

  1. Hawk Lady Hawk Lady says

    Good post. My husband had or has ED (he has a blood cancer) and before he was diagnosed he used an ED pill as well. I adore him. He is my heart. I’m not sure I was real excited about all the ramifications of the pill. For him his aging body now had a penis that was like a new toy. Now, me, my aging body didn’t change. I didn’t get a new vagina ready to rock and roll. Consequently, I didn’t always enjoy our sex as much as he did. I think a lot of loving conversation needs to accompany these drugs. When will we get one of our own do you think?

    4 like

    • LILDEE LILDEE says

      I don’t think we will ever get a pill such as the man’s, although hormone replacement therapy can help. I haven’t needed it yet. But I will tell you that, given our country’s current sociopolitical environment, women are being smashed to smithereens. I never thought I would live to see and hear the mysogeny that is playing out now. Outlaw birth control? Abortion? What is going on?
      I had the opportunity, some 25 yrs ago, to raise my children in Italy. I chose to return to the USA because of how anti female the Italian culture was….now it’s just the opposite, and I have two granddaughters that I’m concerned about.  OK, off topic I know. But I’m very worried about where I see us going.

      5 like

  2. Walker Thornton Walker Thornton says

    Hi Hawk Lady,
    Well, for us it would be a pill to enhance desire. We’re fortunate in that there is not really a loss of ability to perform.
    I totally understand your ambivalence.. and you’re right the conversations are so important. Just having the ability for an erection can’t make up for unequal sexual desire. I am reminded of a little boy who’s just discovered his penis–it becomes his new best friend!

    1 like

  3. Sienna Jae Fein Sienna Jae Fein says

    Walker — This is a marvelously honest, brave, and informative post. It’s so true that women know little about these drugs and how they work. We can benefit from your wisdom. I’ll check out your other posts on this subject.
     
     

    1 like

  4. Walker Thornton Walker Thornton says

    Sienna,
    Thank you. I think we need to stay informed in order to enjoy the kind of intimacy we seek with our partners. Five years ago I never dreamed I’d be writing about this kind of materia.

    0 like

  5. fischerpat fischerpat says

    Please be aware that these pill for men are not a panacea.  My hubby takes medication for an enlarged prostate and none of the ED medication works for him.  Also conditions such as diabetes, which he also has, will affect the ability to ‘perform’.  We manage to have a loving sex life, though, he has learned other ways to satisfy me, and I him.

    3 like

  6. Generic Image Anne Kraetzer says

    Can anyone tell me how come my husband can orgasm daily by his own hand yet cant get hard enough to penetrate. He has had a kidney transplant and several operations for hernias. Also surgery to remove his enlarged (polycystic) native kidneys. Despite all the meds he has to take, this is not supposed to happen! We have tried pills, pumps, injections, nothing works. Other forms of sex are ok but I am seriously depressed about not ever having vaginal sex. Toys help but nothing is as satisfying. We wonder if he suffered nerve damage from one of the surgeries. Docs have no more suggestions.

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    • Susan Who Susan Who says

      Hi Anne, I posted a much longer comment in this section regarding my husband’s ability to ejaculate without being hard enough to penetrate. Please read about my experience, maybe it will shed some light on your situation.

      0 like

  7. Generic Image redhotmama says

    What about the kind, affectionate, very sexy man, who incidentally put an engagement ring on my finger five months ago, who has a drawer full of ED medication, unused, but says he never feels the desire enough to even initiate sex.  We have known each other for over a year and a half, and I am still trying to get him to have bloodwork done to test his testosterone level, etc.  He says that there are more important things in life besides sex, which is true, but it’s still very important to me as a means of showing comfort, passion and a way of totally bonding with one’s partner.  Yes, these man are embarrassed about admitting to themselves and their doctors that their levels are falling due to older age, but shouldn’t the status of a relationship with your loved one become a top priority after this amount of time?  Frustrated in more ways than one….lol!

    1 like

    • Walker Thornton Walker Thornton says

      I bet you are frustrated. All the ED pills in the world won’t work if the desire is missing. A testosterone check might be a good thing.
      It is work to build desire and excitement in relationships as we grow older. You say that he fell asleep- what about doing something to excite him so that he stays awake. Maybe wear something sexy, sit with him and cuddle.. Touch his arm, nuzzle a little. Sometimes we have to take the reins and let them know that we desire them. Waiting until you’re heading to bed, as you noted, may be too late. I like to make little hints during the day and build up an interest.
      Walker

      1 like

  8. Stella Stella says

    The pills caused my man a headache but for the longest time that’s what was thought of as the only option. It worked very well but the next day it was like he had  a hangover – this hing over our erotic moment as I knew he would be suffering the next day. So back to the doctor we went and he suggested a penile vacuum device, the type with a manual handle. It’s often used for these cases but we never really knew much about it so he referred us online to http://penispumpwarehouse.com and asked them some questions only to be referred to the info section which gave the 8 steps and dispelled the myth about enlargement. The truth is pumps for for ED only, that’s all, it’s too bad that media and society gave them the reputation for enlargers so couples like us would shy away from them thinking it’s not going to work for us, he doesn’t want a bigger penis we just want to make love. Now that all the myths were sorted out the thing is a marvel for our sex life.

    1 like

  9. Generic Image SuzanneWA says

    To redhotmama:  Women’s and men’s libidos oft times don’t come at the same time.  It sounds as if your fiance has more than a TRIFLE problem in bed.  I wonder – did you all have intimacy BEFORE you were married?  If not, then you got what you bargained for.  He sounds as if he’s like the virginal bride, untouched and unwilling to BE touched.  My gentleman friend started our relationship by telling me he had ED.  I was in my late 50s, early 60s when we started going together, and I thought we got along OK.  I wasn’t born yesterday; I realized he had a problem getting AND maintaining an erection. He got Cialis from his doctor to use with his former girlfriend who had died of cancer.  Now, I know there’s a LOT of baggage there, and I respected it.  Our first lovemaking was tentative; we made-out above the waist, then I gave him oral and vice versa.  More men than you think have this problem; 2 out of 2 men I’ve gone with have ED.  I don’t necessarily MISS intercourse, but I must prefer oral.   AND I have toys and lotions for the dryness.  It just takes a little work on our part to bring our lover to climax.  It IS possible.  Don’t give up if you love each other…there’s always the next time.

    2 like

    • Generic Image redhotmama says

      Thank you SuzanneWA….you made a few good points in your post.  I do believe there is a LOT more going on here than just a man getting older and bodily functions changing.  Thankfully, we are not married yet, and I have been willing to work through this because I DO love him and want to maintain the relationship.  However, the time for game-playing and avoidance is nearing an end.  Last night, we had planned for an intimate evening, like many times before.  As per usual someone fell asleep while watching t.v. ….  geeeezzzz, and when he woke up it was around 11:15 p.m.  He got up and I saw him make his way to the bathroom.  I suspected that he was getting ready to take “the pill”.  Well, as you know, these pills aren’t cheap, and here we were, both at this late hour tired, and finally going to make an attempt at romance?  I walked in and told him that we really needed to save the medication for another evening….that my idea of a romantic evening was a little different than his and that I thought we were going to make it our priority that night.  I didn’t say it in a mean way, just kind of matter-of- fact.  He became irritated and stated, “So you’re blaming me!” and walked out of the room!  I honestly thought that we would have a glass of wine or two, and than things would proceed from there.  I just felt short-changed that it would probably most likely be a “quickie” and also had the feeling he was basically trying to get the thing done and over with because he knew it was what I wanted.  Well, what kind of satisfaction can one get from that? I would say we need some major communication here, but I have been trying my best and it doesn’t appear that the other person is trying as hard.  I just don’t think any of this is a priority with him.  I am beginning to feel hurt, angry, resentful and honestly not attractive.  I am constantly getting hit on by other men, etc., yet the man I love doesn’t even want to make love, or at least make more than a half-hearted attempt here.  I would hate to dissolve the relationship over sex, but to me, if two people love one another, they should be able to have at least a somewhat satisfactory sex life, even at our ages.  It is one of the most beautiful ways to bond a relationship, especially during times of duress with either the individual or the relationship.  And yes, we have talked about all this, in depth.  It just seems to bring you back closer together when that “drifting away” feeling occurs.  So, this morning, I will once again make an attempt to try to lovingly talk this out.  He mentioned to me the other day that sometimes the pills don’t work, and that he believed that his hormone levels would test out to be normal.  Then he said he thought the problem was possibly psychological.  He had two unsatisfactory marriages, and the last marriage his wife died, so of course, you have the baggage from all of that.  Anyway, sorry to be rambling on here, but just needed to get it off my chest.  I saw a post on VB a while back that said that the woman had a great life, just an unsatisfactory relationship.  This is beginning to sound like me, so it is time to step forth and resolve the problem once and for all…  : /-

      2 like

      • Generic Image laurjoan says

        this sounds so like my husband – his idea of romance has gone by the wayside. I can completely emphasize with you.  he wont talk to the doctor and he gets quite obstinate about his problem. the pills don’t always work and they are expensive.  I don’t like the attitude of him swallwing the pill, watch the clock and then say okay, lets do it.  no romance, no leading up to loving sex, makes me feel, whats the point?  I don’t know what the answer is.  we used to have a fanastic love life but now that he is older, its gone by the wayside.

        0 like

  10. Susan Who Susan Who says

    My current husband and I decided to wait until we were married to have intercourse. We were both in our late 40′s. (I’d had a lot of amazing, great sex with a previous husband who died from one of those widowmaker heart attacks while driving home).

    I met and fell in love with my current husband online. He had been a virgin when he married the first time and, according to him, their sex life went downhill fast because his wife lost interest (she had had sexual experiences in prior relationships). During their eighteen-year marriage he became heavily involved in pleasing himself with the aid of porn.
    We did a lot of sexual teasing during the five months we dated, but it wasn’t until our wedding night that I realized something was terribly (for me) wrong. He couldn’t get an erection that would penetrate, but he was still able to have an orgasm. I was flabbergasted because he thought it was perfectly normal and ok, while I was confused and angry. I knew he was sensitive about his sexuality because of his first wife’s rejection, so I didn’t say much about my disappointment for about a year. While he preferred to please me orally, I really wanted intercourse.

    I talked to my GYN and she said it wasn’t possible for a man to have an orgasm without an erection – to which I laughed out loud. My husband had gotten to the place where a few porn images and a few strokes of massage to his almost flaccid penis and he was ejaculating! He really didn’t think/know he had an ED problem even though our sexual encounters were over in minutes.

    Finally, during a belated honeymoon where he was having a good time and I was frustrated, I spilled out my thoughts and disappointments. It was the wrong thing to do because I had had my feelings bottled up too long (I’m not a great communicator when I’m afraid of hurting someone’s feelings). He withdrew and our marriage suffered.

    One day I went with him to a Dr appt. He had been going to this woman physician for years and of course had never mentioned anything about ED. I spoke up and asked if his high BP might be causing sexual dysfunction. From there we were introduced to medication that helped immediately. It has taken several different med adjustments because one type gave him a horrible, prolonged headache and one type’s recommended dose gave him an erection for a long, painful period of time. We chose to change doctors (twice) until we found a male doctor who was easy to talk to, then that Dr had to convince our insurance company to pay for the medicine, otherwise it was going to cost us $10 for each erection, which was expensive because we still had to deal with my husband’s premature, five minute, porn-trained ejaculations.

    We have been married for seven years now and we are still a work in progress. It took a couple of years, and a lot of prayers, but he was finally able to stop looking at porn. He has also had a few erections without any meds at all; those spontaneous times have been exciting and fun.

    My sex drive has really declined now that I’m post-menopausal. Also my body isn’t as exciting to look at as it was just five years ago. In addition, my husband still struggles with some residual sexual low self-confidence and maybe a diminishing sex drive. Still, we have never given up and occasionally we do have very enjoyable sex.  

    Marriage is a journey, not a destination.

    3 like

    • Walker Thornton Walker Thornton says

      Susan Who,
      Relationships are truly a journey, you are so right. And, it seems that changes keep happening so we are constantly adjusting. ED is a challenge and i applaud you for continuing to work on making a better sexual relationship. I’m post-menopausal and so far it hasn’t had an impact on my desire. But I’m not married so sex isn’t predictable  and therefore I can’t relate on the level of one who is in a marriage or long term relationship.

      0 like

  11. Alicia Alicia says

    My libido is on “kill” and I am 65.  Unfortunately, I have no one to share that with.

    1 like

    • Walker Thornton Walker Thornton says

      Hi Alicia, What do you mean by “kill” ? As in revved up? Are you single and looking, married? And, what about sex toys? I have to admit that a good round of self-stimulation can be very satisfying when there isn’t a reliable sex partner in the picture.

      0 like

  12. Stella Stella says

    That was really interesting to hear that your husband was able to ejaculate without en erection. I’ve never heard of that before either. is suppose medical science is new to us, there are so many mysteries out there we just don’t know about!

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  13. Generic Image laurjoan says

    It is true that men have can ejaculate without a erection.    you really need to have a doctor that wants to HELP.   Its embarrassing to talk about it but finally my husband will be going to a urologist to be examined and hopefully find something to help.   pills are expensive and contrary to the social belief and hoopla, sometimes they don’t work.  very frustrating when this happens! I have ordered a vibrator for myself.  never used one before but will certainly try!!

    0 like

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