I went on match.com a few weeks ago…it’s well-documented on this site. I corresponded with a man who lives 50 miles away in a “big city.” I am a country mouse. Anyway, he was nice and seemingly harmless – not pushy or arrogant. We finally exchanged email addresses and revealed a few more things about ourselves. Still…he sounded safe. He told me about his kids, where he had grown up, that he enjoyed fishing. He sent me pictures of his grandchildren and fish he had caught. I told him it was nice talking to him, but I had decided I wasn’t really interested in a true social life right now. I thought I made myself clear.
I live in a secluded area, surrounded by trees and family. It’s hard for people to find me even when I give them directions. Yesterday I got home from work and sat down. I had been to the dentist and on top of everything, apparently have had an allergic reaction to something. My lips look like I am trying out for Real Housewives of Something.
A car pulled up n my driveway, a man got out, and I went to the door. “Could I help you?” I asked. he replied,
“I am John.”
Apparently he googled me, found my ex husband who gave him great directions to my house, and he came to checkmon me and offered his condo at the beach for me to go and relax.
My daughters freaked out when I called them. One immediately came home and they both think I should have called the police. I didn’t feel threatened, just violated.
Who does that kind of thing? I learned a lesson.
My daughter is 30 with 2 children. I'm searching for ways to help her. She is so emotionally abusive to her 8 year old daughter, breaks my heart. I've run out of advice to offer the granddaughter, that's why I'm on here searching for answers. The
Shirley - what a breath of fresh air. It sounds like you are quite the extraordinary person. I'm going to take your advice and ask myself what would I like to do on this long holiday weekend! Who knows...I just might have some fun. The loneliness is 
Your daughters are right. I’m not sure I would have called the cops. I would have called my exhusband and blessed him out. What happened is not ok. Not that that’s off my chest, what did you say?
Case and point, why you will never find me looking for dates online.
I have been on the dating sites for 7 years……whether you meet someone in public or on-line…you don’t know who they are.
Your x should have known better
What does it mean? It means that John doesn’t have appropriate boundaries. Calling the police would have been useless. What was the crime? A man showed up at your house because your x gave him the address.
Well…I was polite since I didn’t know how he would respond to anything else. He clearly has no idea about boundaries, but I was so absolutely stunned I was speechless. Anyone who knows me knows that never happens!
I immediately tried to call ky ex, but he wouldn’t answer the phone. I texted him and told him the guy had scared the H..l out of me, and to never, ever tell anyone how to get to my house.
His response? “Sorry.”
I felt very disconcerted all day today. My secretary, who is also one of my best friends, lives just a few miles from me. She was so furious, so I promised her if that ever happens again, I will speed dial her. I decided to not email him how umcomfortable that made me, because I don’t want to be in contact with him at all.
Actually, this episode reinforced my recent conclusion that I don’t want a relationship.
Scary out there girls. And I made a mistake.
“Actually, this episode reinforced my recent conclusion that I don’t want a relationship.
Scary out there girls. And I made a mistake.”
A couple of things, first this was in the South and knowing men the way I do it is possible that he was just an idiot who thought he was doing the right thing. It was still wildly inappropriate, but it’s possible he had good intentions, stupid ones, but he’s a man. The other thing is this had NOTHING to do with you. It had everything to do with him.
There are many ways to tell a story. You can tell this story as a horror story or can you tell it as a comedy. It’s only scary if you let it be.
You can date and enjoy men’s company without wanting to be in a relationship. One does not have to lead to another. I get my share of men because one of my closest friends is a man, I play music and paddle with men. I like men, but as George Carlin said, “Women are crazy and men are stupid and women are crazy because men are stupid.” Undamn yourself, honey. FTR, I just found out that my new favorite author lives in Oxford and it is an interesting place to visit.
Water music…I think that’s probably why I wasn’t scared. I know a lot of southern men who just would say, “Shoot, I’ll just get in my truck and find her.” I don’t think he thought twice about it. And, conversely, I know some southern women who would think that was just cute
.
Sienna…well…I would have swooned of course. Not really. That probably would have scared me. I don’t want a man who is prettier than me
. I don’t trust pretty men.
Joyful…and Watermusic…the relationship part. Hmmm. Working on figuring out why I feel compelled to treat every encounter like it has to be a relationship. Could be the fact that I would do anything to please my dad, who, when he was younger was impossible to please. Now he’s just a great dad. I married my first husband because I didn’t want to hurt his feelings lol…that sounds so funny 27 years later. I think I may have married my second husband for the same reason. So…I guess I am avoiding dating because goodness knows, I don’t want to get into the positions where I feel compelled to NOT hurt someone’s feelings. Y’all just saved me a bunch of money in therapist bills.
Thanks for helping to reinforce the stance that the less info you put out there the better and the less activity on line is best. I think if it was me I would email him one more time and let him know that if he ever arrives at your home “uninvited” again you will call the police and have a restraining order placed on him.
Yikes! I probably would have felt the same way – violated more than frightened. But I don’t follow the “don’t want a relationship” part. A relationship does not feel like a violation of your space or soul
or body. Perhaps what you don’t want is to go shopping for a relationship…which is just fine.
I just had lunch with a high school friend who has never married and is currently alone after reconnecting with her high school boyfriend. She lived with him for 8 years and then left (the story is long and complicated). The important thing is how much she is enjoying being herself – a painter, a creativity coach, running a quiet retreat center. So enjoy being yourself – with or without a man.
There are advantages and disadvantages to being single and being in a relationship. The advantages can sometimes out weigh the disadvantages…and vise versa. My buddy, R. says that I’m single because I get to do what ever the hell I want to do, and he has a point.
The other thing is that almost everyone will go through a stretch of time being single for one reason or another. Can you live with yourself and embrace who you are? Do you know how to make yourself happy? Do you know how to live the life you have now? Those are not easy questions to ask and it’s easy to sidestep those if you are in a relationship.
People seem to act like being single is a crime against nature, an unholy act and it’s not. Give me someone who knows how to live with themselves over someone who only has an identity when they’re with someone any day.
There are lots and lots of ways to be in a relationship with people and many ways to express your inner Aphrodite if that’s how you’re wired,(like me). Thinking that a man or anyone outside yourself is going to be your salvation will make you insane.
Sorry for the rant, avoiding the mess I call a yard.
Vicky, it’s so great that you shared this next chapter in your dating chronicles. Talk about the plot thickening!!!…
I want to go on record as agreeing with the comments that have been made so far – we do have to be extremely careful out there, which of course you know.
BUT — in the case of this guy showing up unannounced and unwanted, you seem to have been more grossed out than afraid. For purposes of discussion:
What if he had been great looking, charming, sexy, and interesting? What if he had wise enough to be kindly apologetic about just showing up? What if he had communicated something other than cluelessness?
The encounter would then be a the stuff of romance novels (man moves heaven and earth to find the woman of his dreams), wouldn’t it, instead of just kind of creepy (the element of the ex adds to the creepiness) — ?
It doesn’t sound as though you’re in danger, but you are right to decide not to email him to explain your discomfort. If he is as interested in you as he seems to be he will interpret any communication as encouragement.
He could be a stalker, and if you keep hearing from him, don’t hesitate to take some legal action. Above all, let others know so you will have proper support.
I had a man who was stalking me and I was scared to death. We had never met (I didn’t even give him my real first name!)….he decided that I was the one and called me 16 times in a row one one day alone..What did I do? I had a girlfriend (dating site) make up a fake profile and she contacted him……then he was chasing her and stopped bothering me.
Ah, the old feel sorry for him gambit (sigh). I know it well. Don’t we wish we had a dollar for every bad date, every high school grope, every overlong phone conversation we endured because we didn’t want to hurt some poor guy’s feelings…..?
I don’t relate, I never let anyone grope me (brought up too strict for that) and we didn’t have a phone! LOL I didn’t feel sorry for the stalker; I was scared and furious and came up with a way to make sure he would leave me alone,
so ok, you were upset, etc etc etc. After the shock, what happened? Did u like this guy or not? Men are mostly clueless so this does not surprised me at all. He most likely thought he was giving you a nice surprise…. duhhh.
There is a line between clueless and creepy. He offered me his condo at the beach anytime I want it, looked around the outside of my house like he was figuring out where to put his stuff…no, I didn’t like him. You know when you get that vibe? I always have told my daughters if something doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t. Trust your instinct. This did not feel right. I haven’t heard from him since.
I think something needs to be done about your x. Like send a male stripper to his place of work perhaps. Something so he doesn’t give out your address again. But really how likely would it be for some guy to find him to find your address. The match guy should have asked you for your address. I’m going with creepy here. How did you get rid of him? I was on and off match for years. I had a long distance relationship and now am living with a nice man – and not just because I didn’t want to hurt his feelings : ) actually I gave him a second date because I felt sorry for him and amazingly it worked out. I sooo however understand enjoying being single. I loved it and I do like being in a relationship as well. Best of luck to us all. Now if I could solved the issue of these new wrinkles on my arms. Yes, on my arms.
Being Philly born and raised, I’ve learned to practically put locks on locks. What happened to you, while considered charming by some, would have scared others (including me, and obviously you) to death! This guy should have known better.