| No Attraction To My Spouse | Hot Conversation |
I have been married for 32 years. For the past 10 years or so I have had no physical attraction to my husband. I feel terrible about this. I don’t know what happened to change the way I feel about him. He works out and stays in good shape. He’s a great guy and a good husband but I can’t get those feelings back. How anyone else experienced this?
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Kudo's to you Alicia! Wow you've accomplished quite a lot in your life and you will with dating too at some point. Hang in there! Hugs back! Lisa
tried this (as well as the Garnier tinted moisture) in vacation last week ... Liked the Garnier better, but this provides more coverage and does indeed stay on through everything ... not heavy or greasy ... covers my rosacea. Not sure it will be my eMy parents divorced when I was ten and I always felt like my lack of self esteem most have something to do with my Dad's absence but then one day when I was in my firths my mother said or did something that made me realize she was emotionally abusive
Holy crap! What a sad story. Congrats on overcoming that hurdle. Wow.
How I would handle it. FIrst, I would get into therapy; that could go a long way to helping you and your difficulties.
Second (boundaries are necessary in life)..when your kids call for advice, I would FIRST ask them what their thoughts are an
Well, my husband and I have been married the same — 32 years. Our bodies certainly aren’t what they were at the beginning and I have times when his weight is a problem for me visually. But there are so many other things besides the physical. Are you only talking about physical, or are you not attracted to him mentally? Is it not just the time of life when you start to question everything, not just your sexual attraction to your mate? Seems that way for me.
You are fortunate, indeed!
Hi Jan,
I read and interesting account, about sexual attraction in older couples after being married for many years! This woman wrote that she had some of the same feelings you have shared. She said that she had to imagine herself without her husband, almost deciding if she still loved him! The conclusion she came to was that she did love him and because she loved him, and he still loved sex, she would have sex with him! Out of her love, even though her libido was gone, she considered it a love act. It seems that their lovemaking did improve when she relaxed into it, a bit.
I do think long term marriages can lose a certain ‘zest’ for sex. Keeping the affection alive is important, through communication, humor, similar interest, ‘date nights’, family love, pets, creating ambiance, etc.
We have work at relationship, even the long term ones…the work never ends. To keep love alive requires our attention and effort.
Most men just love sex…it’s the main way they show their love!! To them a great romp in the hay is like standing on the roof top yelling, I love you so much!!” We ladies would prefer good conversation, candles, a glass of wine…then, perhaps lovemaking. These guys are ready anytime, anywhere…park bench, kitchen floor, etc. They are ready!
Amazingly enough, being overweight, ‘older’, moderately ‘unkempt’, whatever, to them, you are gorgeous!
No, you are not alone in your feelings. That probably doesn’t help much, but throw the guy a bone, out of love. He’s a good man and they are so hard to find!
P.S. I’m sure you know about sex therapist…it’s worth a try.
Yes! I agree with you….Sure sex in marriage is wonderful, but it’s not the only thing in a good marriage. I love my husband way beyond the physical. No body is perfect, I sure am not. We have been married for 32 years also. A lot has changed…but of course they would. I knew that when I married him and we said our vows. Sickness and health, thick or thin. I got the thick and he got the sick (not seriously). I am soo glad that our love for each other transcends physical attraction on both our parts. He is my best friend, we are a partnership. And, when we hold hands, he gives me a wink, or tells me he loves my laugh; I remember why we fell in love in the beginning. We have come to far to let it all go now.
Love what you wrote, Gramma.
Thanks everyone for your comments. It has given me a lot to think about. I think my problem goes beyond physical attraction. The problems are deeper than that. There is no emotional connection between us. He is not an affectionate person nor is he good at expressing love verbally. Yet he expects me to want sex whenever he is ready and I resent this. I believe you must feel the emotional connection with your partner before you can have a comfortable sex life.
I have left my husband because he never made me feel like a woman. in bed or out of it. He was asexual, didn’t care about his appearance or what came out of his mouth; his only goal in life was to make money and be rich. It was easy to leave him. In my opinion nothing is deader than a dead love.
So true.
Hi Jan. If there’s no emotional connection, that’s a tough one. For your husband to feel you should be a convenient sex object, but that he should put no effort into expressing any kind of verbal love or affection…. Well get real. That’s neither fair, nor is it going to happen here in the real world. I actually have three questions I feel you need to ask yourself honestly:
1) How badly would it bother you if you stay in the marriage, but he finds someone who DOES want to have sex with him, or at least WILL have sex with him? Because that’s a very real possibility, you know.
2) How badly do you think it would bother your husband if you walked out of the marriage due to his inability to show you any love or affection? And would you/could you walk out?
3) Do you think there’s any way your husband would agree to start going to couple’s counseling in order to try to save the marriage? And would you be willing to also put full effort into counseling?
It seems to me you need to either sit down and have a talk with your husband that involves both of you discussing all three of those questions – or you should write them down if you don’t feel comfortable talking to him about them. And then you need to decide from there what it is YOU want, because the life each of you have been living isn’t fair to either of you.
I wish you the best of luck – just please whatever you do, don’t stay stuck in the unhappy rut you’re in right now.
If he wants to have a relationship with someone else then the marriage would be over. It might actually be a relief for me. My husband would do just fine without me. I have done the counseling thing enough to know what would be said. I have had enough of that. I think I am just worn out from everything. You’re right, the way we are living isn’t fair to either of us but financially we are not in a position to maintain two households. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day
I hope so, Jan. From the bottom of my heart, I hope this can be resolved, even though I don’t see how from what you’ve said. May “tomorrow” somehow be a better day for you. (((Hugs)))
I have bee married for 20 years and I too am in a simular situation. I don’t feel any kind of real connection to my husband. Neither physical or other wise. He is a couch potatoe and I am a doer. I love my family and daughters and he is estranged from his daughters, brothers, sister, mother and father. He does not show affection unless he wants sex. I resent that more than you know. We have very different interests and I think back and see that we always have. And I am sure you are asking why we stay together. I have been divorced 2 times. I am 58 years old and my job is not a great one financially. I do not have the energy to work 2 jobs any more so it is easier to stay in a relationship that there is no surprises than to go it on my own. I am not really physically attracted to any “real” men, so I think my libdo is permantly dead. He is grumpy and grouchy. But I have learned to deal with that and to live with out affection from a man. So you are not alone in your situation. I imagine there are thousands of women out here that are in the same type of situation. There aren’t a lot of fights so I am not misreable. I often think I am content. I have a nice home, 2 beautiful daughters, 2 exciting grand children and another on the way. I have always wondered if my soul mate is out there some where but I think I am just too tired to look for him any more. I wonder how many people are in relationships like this and how few have been lucky enough to find their soul mate. Their best friend to spend their life with. So life goes on and I think contentment is not a bad thing.
I understand exactly what you are saying. My husband and I rarely fight. We get along fine. We live as friends. He feels that the only time he has to show affection is when we are having sex. I have tried to explain to him that intimacy starts outside the bedroom. He will try to do better for a few days then he just goes back to his old ways. I dont think he can change that part of him. Like you, I try to count my blessings. I have 3 great children. I wish they lived closer but they are happy and that’s what counts. If the whole “soul mate” thing does exist I feel the people who have found that are extremely lucky. Like you, I think there are a lot of women in our situation.
What if you found your soulmate but were still somehow stuck in your marriage? Is that lucky or unlucky? Just a retorical question, but it happens…
Oh Evie is so right. Let me tell you what happens if you don’t “throw him a bone”. Because there is that validation of love to them, not doing it or letting them sense that you are not enjoying it translates into their failure. They don’t give a hoot about what happens to us during menopause, or anything else in our lives that affect sex. Heck, we have a hard time with it ourselves. So, they will seek validation elsewhere, because, and this is important, their EGO screams out for that. They send out signals that women prey on. Want to jolt yourself out of this? imagine what it would be like to have your husband sitting in his recliner (hopefully not reclining) telling you about an affair he just had based on how he didn’t think you loved him anymore. It can happen to the best of us. Even after 35yrs at the time. You need change and excitement to bring out those feelings again. It can happen. It did for me when I realized how I loved him. My dilemma in this is the question that I always ask, “would I ever have taken this part of our marriage seriously if this hadn’t happened?” Maybe someone else will learn from our mistakes.
Try something new in bed. We like to play Pearl Harbor. (more on that if anyone is interested). We have some great sexual experts right here on VN. Patty Brisben (think I spelled it right) and Joan Price are candid and give us info we can use.
The best to you.
I was married for 31 years to a man I had no emotional connection with. The sex was incredible. None f my friends understood that, LOL……Sex was the ONLY good thing in our marriage.
I married him (in hindsight) because I feared being alone and wanted someone to take care of me….makes sense…..i grew up with a violent mother and no father, and never knew what would happen next. I craved stability. You might want to consider counseling; obviously something is going on, and it may be partially subconsciious.
i was pretty much, any time anywhere (sexually) and still am. Unfortunately, I do not have anyone to share that with.
I think you meant this for Jan1010. Sometimes responding here can do funny things. Great advise though. We are good ;^))
You are rare in your approach, but it sounds like it worked for you! I hope you find someone to share your ‘talents’ with!
I also married for the wrong reasons. At the time, in my yet not fully developed brain, it was the only solution. I paid dearly for this mistake.
How did you, Alicia, survive 31 years with a man you didn’t love? Did you have children with him, did you keep busy? Who nurtured you? I’d like to know how you coped because my ex took me away from my family, my country, my mother tongue and everything familiar. I was not able to because of communism. I had no choice but to stay with my husband for 8 years until I learned the English language, secured a job etc. It was hard to be self sufficient in a foreign country and I often question if it is easier to stay or leave. Please let me know how you handled it, thanks.
Great post, MG! I keep thinking “Pearl Harbor”, though…sounds very interesting!
Yeah, MG, give on the Pearl Harbor. Inquiring minds want to know!!
Jan, before you give up on 32 years of marriage, please see someone who might be able to help you and your husband work thru these issues.
Ok ladies but if I get kicked off VN, I’ll have to find a new outlet
He’ll just be lying there all peacefull like on a Sunday morning and I’ll swoop down and bl** the hell out of him.
OMG, I just totally SNORTED I laughed so hard! I’m reporting you to the moderators, I’m insisting they ban your butt! BWAAAAAAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA!!!!!
Moooonie, baby…here I thought you were a shy little thing!! Lol! Hmmm, Sunday morning, eh?
I don’t smoke after but a good cup of coffee is always available on a silver platter brought to me in bed ;^))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
When I’m good, I’m very, very good. When I’m bad, I’m excellent.
Life is good.
Well, it all sounds very exciting for a couple of “old” (forever young) married folks!!
Let’s face it, our guys have to have that excitement in the bedroom! This is one of the main ways they FEEL and show their love!! Bless their little horny hearts! Lol
;^))))))))))))))))))))
My husband and I have been through counseling off and on. Had enough of that. He feels that he is who he is, he’s not going to change and I should just accept him the way he is.
My guy is pretty much a computer driven, workaholic, “left brained’ kind of guy. I am the opposite…artist, talkative, really ‘out there’ extrovert! So, we don’t really match!
We tend to marry our opposites, for whatever reason.
I know that I cannot change him and have learned to create ‘my own life’ in many ways. I go to movies, alone…sometimes with a gal friend…I eat alone, with a glass of wine and a book….once again, a friend is sometimes with me. My friends either work or live far away. I am destined to do a lot by myself!
I used to try to change my husband, but these guys are like a different species, really. Their tendencies, in behavior, runs very, very deep…it’s innate!
We, ladies, who are married to the ‘loner’ type, must be creative and allow them their needed space and ‘strangeness’. Lol
meetup.com is a great place to meet people and join groups of interest! Try getting out, on your own, have some fun!
You will be giving yourself, and your husband a break if you ‘fly’ on your own!!
I have found that our love (my husband’s and mine) has grown since I have become more independent, dropped my ‘expectations’ and given him the freedom to be who he is! We are two very different people and that’s just the way it is!
It is possible to have a loving, harmonious, relationship with your opposite, but it does take creative thinking, planning! Keeps life interesting!
I agree Evie, Men and women are made differently,physically, and emotionally….I get along better with mine when I accept the differences….He sounds like your husband with the left brain thing….I am left handed and right brained….with a touch of left brain…which serves me in a pinch! I learned to “fly on my own” when he was working a lot. I had to. Then He retired and my life changed. We spend a lot of time together in the house, but doing our own thing. Then we come together for some date nights and days….It really works when you respect each other for the others strengths and down play the weaknesses instead of bringing them up all the time….I am sure glad the he loves and respects me instead of focusing on MY weaknesses! =]