This has been an issue practically our entire time together. My spouse does not “speak” the language of physical affection. (I realize I am lucky to have a husband, that he has been faithful, that we still have a sex life). Why is it that the thing I need most is the thing he cannot or will not give?
In the past 3 years, outside of sex, he has initiated touching me 3 times–once was a pat on the head, and twice rested his arm on my shoulder for photos. We have gone round and round on this for years. Earlier in our marriage, he would say he would try harder, which only lasted a short while. He also told me about a TV show that mentioned women need touching because it produces oxytocin–which in retrospect seems odd that he made it a point to tell me that.
Now, to get some touching in and because I love his touch and his kiss I would go to him at night to get a good night kiss. After a recent 6 weeks of a nasty U.R.I. there understandably has been no goodnight kiss. Now I know it will be up to me (again) to resume “asking” for a goodnight kiss. Trouble is, I don’t know if I want to.
I’m very mad and also very sad–have been in tears several times this week when alone, when I think of this. Help me to think out of the box on this one, ’cause I cannot see the forest for the trees. Thanks in advance.
I have many comments regarding yoga in schools, particularly since my primary job is an elementary teacher. Not everyone is receptive to the idea. Keep the positive energy flowing and perhaps more will see benefits.
Sounds like you’ve read the 5 Love Languages! Good for you. I, too, am a “physical touch” person, so I know what you mean. I’m currently single, so I guess I make up for it with my animals…
It appears you can share your feelings and talk with your husband, most of the time, and it’s obvious that physical touch is not his language. I understand that you’re hurt and angry, but holding onto that isn’t going to help build up your marriage. I’d suggest talking, yet again, with him. He must care, or he wouldn’t keep trying when reminded. However, keep in mind that touching doesn’t come naturally to him and he may need to be reminded often.
There is nothing wrong with taking his hand, cuddling on the couch, kissing or hugging him when you need that touch. In this, you will probably almost always need to take the lead.
Don’t take it personally and don’t think he’s going to change and become touchy-feely. Just get what you need and enjoy it. You have lots to be thankful for. ♥
Possum Jam Tart:
My guy is like that as well. His love language is Acts of Love and Quality Time. Mine is Physical Touch and Quality Time. Like you I have to approach him or say, “come here” to get my kiss. The only time he initiates the affection is when we are in bed and he wants to make love.
When I first got together with my guy (we have been together 2 years) he told me the way he shows he loves me is by “doing things for me” i.e., Acts of Service and spending time with me. i.,e “Quality time”. He said up front he didn’t like kissing to much though I knew I loved it. Like you, I approach him when I want it.
Accept your husband the way he is and just give him the friendly reminders and thank the Lord you have a good one and you guys are still making love. You are blessed. (and so am I).
I’ve been thru that too . . . so this is typical of the “detached man”. My guy gives a peck when he’s on the way to work but otherwise, he is not a kissy “just because” kind of guy and I LOVE ALL THAT! When it comes to the bedroom, he asks for it. That was strange for me. He sleeps in another room bec. he sleeps all over the bed and he works nites . . . says I make too much noise and have all the lites on. So what do you do . . . accept them? I have but I miss the touchy feely I’m used to.
R
I feel you RedWard, my guy works swing shifts (all three) 6-4p, 4-12mid and 10 – 6a his schedule is gruesome so I know what you are saying and I do the same thing; turn on lights and make noise. LOL! I try to come into the bedroom quietly but it doesn’t always work. I know it’s not funny but it’s interesting to see there are other woman doing the same thing.
I love my guy to much to let the “little stuff” bother me to much. No matter what, I am my relationship for the long haul.
My mom was paralyzed as I was growing up as child from age 11 to when she died and I was 21. I am currently 52. My dad and her stopped making love when she had to have a catheter connected to her at age 41. My dad loved her and he stayed with her until the day she died at age 51. They didn’t sleep together because she was in a hospital bed at home.
What I feel is important is comfort, companionship and peace in a monogamous, relationship. If I have those things everything else is secondary. My thoughts are as we get older everything slows down and as long as we have good conversation and enjoy one another company and there is love and affection to whatever level he and I have settled at, I am ok. Of course that is me. There are too many women out there that would love to have anything like what you and I have. We have guys who are providers, they are faithful and take care of responsibilities and home.
The only person you can change is you. Accept him? Yes and take your kisses…it’s not like he’s refusing to kiss you or touch you if you approach him for it. My guy is the same. On his days off from work, make sure you snuggle up in the bed with him so you can get your touchy feely. (smile).
I thank the Lord everyday for blessing me. We both have good guys who have a good work ethic. One day retirement will be around the corner and there is always vacation and his days off from work to enjoy together.