He is 63, I’m 59. Unbelievable! I thought those days were over since my husband has some ‘sexual difficulties’ but Nooooooooo. What I find hard to believe is how other women can be so stupid, uncaring, lack loyalty. She is married, I know about her, have told her to leave my husband alone, yet she continues…..I feel like I’m living in an altered reality. Men are nothing but boys anyway, there is no such thing as a man. I don’t think they ever truly grow up….sorry, I’m rambling. I am a smart, mature, sexy woman. This is my 3 rd marriage, his also. When does the fun start????? I am so over this sh-t! I am a breast cancer survivor, I can’t imagine exposing myself to another man intimately now. I feel helpless and hopeless, but that’s not the kind of woman I am. I just wish I could turn the clock back to the day before yes tray, when this wasn’t real.
| My husband has a girlfriend! | Hot Conversation |
September 24, 2012
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I have never seen another woman's vagina, so have no idea what they look like, except mine.....I assume you mean (not vagina), But labia....the outer lips. I think it is sad you/anyone thinks any body part is ugly. Our bodies are amazing. I dou
It hurts to be betrayed by someone that we love and trust, and I am sorry that you are going through this.
What I don’t understand is WHY you asked his girlfriend to leave your husband alone? Isn’t your husband the one that you need to have a discussion with, and HE needs to stop his behavior??
If it was me in your position,, I wouldn’t have a discussion with either one of them, I would have packed his bags, thrown his ass to the curb, and called his girlfriend and congratulated her on her new roommate. I’m sure her husband would have been thrilled to find this out.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do, just put yourself first, before you make any decisions.
That was precisely my thought you did WHAT?? And the outcome you imagined was ..??? Where is there for this relationship to go?? Where to you want to be, with whom, and where? This is so much about you and your thoughts dream and needs. The cause of my three divorces was a feeling of unworthiness, no self esteem, nothing without a man. Now, in an effort to save me and at least one other person, I am on my own and am nothing without the cats.
This scenario as written needs some serious contemplation and review. It seems to have the tail wagging the dog.
Well, it’s hard to summarize and put a little info in this post. Of course there is sooooooo much more to the story. It is ME I am being concerned about, financially……I’m not kicking anyone to the curb with out financially being secured. One thing I have learned through age is wisdom, my gut reaction is to kill him with my bare hands, but that’s not gonna help me in the Long run. I am trying to be smart, when I asked him if he would sign a letter for me to go into the peace corp (it’s required if you are married) he came to a screeching halt, reality set it for him……dahhhhh yea……he is NOT having his cake and eat it too!!! Not on my watch!!! I know it may be hard to understand for some, why I would want to stay married to him. But I do. I’m not interested in living in an apt, getting a job, and living with cats! I have a beautiful home, big enough for all my Grandkids to come, I already have dogs and cats. I CAN HAVE MY CAKE AND EAT IT TOO, right now, why would I want to throw that away?
I’ve never posted here, it’s nice to be able to chat with others and I don’t have to tell my friends what’s going on behind my closed doors. Thanks!
I guess I must be a little slow on the uptake. Not sure why you posted in the first place.
You plan on staying married to a man that has cheated on you, so why post about it if you have already decided what to do? If it was just a vent post, then I guess you should have stated that you weren’t looking for advice, and just venting.
I am a different type of person than you. My husband cheated on me, and I forgave Him. The second time, I booted his ass to the curb, and got a divorce. He tried for months to get me back. NOT happening honey. I didn’t much care if my daughter and I had to eat out of a dumpster, there was no way in hell I would stay married to him. Money or no money, house or no house, security or not. I would have dug ditches, or kissed butts to support myself and kid, rather than spend one more day with a jerk of a husband. But that’s just me.
We all have our reasons. I had pride…..
I agree with you, been there. You have to have some pride. Let the jerk have everything and get myself back. I would rather stave then put up with that.
I love every single thing She Cat said. You need to do what’s right for you and you’re the only one who knows what that is. How do you figure you’ll have your cake and eat it too by staying? Are you saying that you are going to accept his infidelity?
Yea, venting, expressing, whining, talking. All of that. I didn’t realize I would upset so many of you.i thought I could get a little empathy, compassion. I don’t know what I’m gonna do, it’s only been 4 days! I’m trying to breathe, look at my options, make a thoughtful, sensible, rational decision based on what is best for me. Has anyone read any of Pat Carnes books? Sex addiction, is a rampant problem, it is a symptom of childhood trauma, fear of intimacy. That’s his problem….however, my problem is PTSD as a result of choosing to be in a relationship with someone who betrays me. Yes divorce is an option, but I have learned through experience, not a solution. Because after divorcing 2 alcoholics and workaholics, now I’m married to a sex aholic…so divorce sounds like a simple choice. But it’s only a short term solution to a long term problem. But that’s why we have these forums, because we all have different opinions. No right way or wrong way to do this. I’m committed to figuring out what my part is, why I attract this to my life. My prayer is he works on his stuff too! But he might not. In the mean time, they are no longer seeing each other and I’m taking it one day at a time…
I’m not upset either, just curious. I am very sorry that you don’t feel like you’ve gotten any compassion though. I get that you are just thinking out loud. As I stated before, only you can decide what’s best for you. All anyone else can do is share their prospective.
I don’t think divorce is always the best answer either, but I also think it’s a mistake to label something without the benefit of a professional guidance, unless of course you’ve already done that.
There’s a thread about divorce that’s getting a lot of traffic you might be interested in. Do a search on this site and see what comes up. I promise that you will get some good feedback grounded in experience.
I am not upset with you or your post. Just trying to get some clarification, that’s all.
Yes, you do need to take some time and figure things out. Just don’t sell yourself short, and settle for “things” rather than what’s best for you in the long run.
Remember once a cheater always a cheater, and if he did it once, he will most likely do it again.
NO, sex addiction is NOT a symptom of childhood trauma. Children that have been sexually abused/raped, MAY have a tendency to be promiscuous, but many choose to AVOID sexual encounters. Fear of intimacy can be a symptom of PTSD, as it is overall part of trust, and people with PTSD don’t trust all that easy.
As far as you having PTSD from being in a relationship with someone that has betrayed you…….That is very questionable. PTSD is defined as such by the APA. I know, I have had PTSD for most of my life, and I fit the criteria to a T, and all the it’s have been dotted too. Been officially diagnosed by several Psychiatrist, as they are the ONLY ones qualified to give such a diagnosis.
Note: The following criteria apply to adults, adolescents, and children older than six.
A. Exposure to actual or threatened a) death, b) serious injury, or c) sexual violation, in one or more of the following ways:
1. directly experiencing the traumatic event(s)
2. witnessing, in person, the traumatic event(s) as they occurred to others
3. learning that the traumatic event(s) occurred to a close family member or close friend; cases of actual or threatened death must have been violent or accidental
4. experiencing repeated or extreme exposure to aversive details of the traumatic event(s) (e.g., first responders collecting human remains; police officers repeatedly exposed to details of child abuse); this does not apply to exposure through electronic media, television, movies, or pictures, unless this exposure is work-related.
B. Presence of one or more of the following intrusion symptoms associated with the traumatic event(s), beginning after the traumatic event(s) occurred:
1. spontaneous or cued recurrent, involuntary, and intrusive distressing memories of the traumatic event(s) (Note: In children, repetitive play may occur in which themes or aspects of the traumatic event(s) are expressed.)
2. recurrent distressing dreams in which the content or affect of the dream is related to the event(s) (Note: In children, there may be frightening dreams without recognizable content. )
3. dissociative reactions (e.g., flashbacks) in which the individual feels or acts as if the traumatic event(s) are recurring (such reactions may occur on a continuum, with the most extreme expression being a complete loss of awareness of present surroundings. (Note: In children, trauma-specific reenactment may occur in play.)
4. intense or prolonged psychological distress at exposure to internal or external cues that symbolize or resemble an aspect of the traumatic event(s)
5. marked physiological reactions to reminders of the traumatic event(s)
C. Persistent avoidance of stimuli associated with the traumatic event(s), beginning after the traumatic event(s) occurred, as evidenced by avoidance or efforts to avoid one or more of the following:
1. distressing memories, thoughts, or feelings about or closely associated with the traumatic event(s)
2. external reminders (i.e., people, places, conversations, activities, objects, situations) that arouse distressing memories, thoughts, or feelings about, or that are closely associated with, the traumatic event(s)
D. Negative alterations in cognitions and mood associated with the traumatic event(s), beginning or worsening after the traumatic event(s) occurred), as evidenced by two or more of the following:
1. inability to remember an important aspect of the traumatic event(s) (typically due to dissociative amnesia that is not due to head injury, alcohol, or drugs)
2. persistent and exaggerated negative beliefs or expectations about oneself, others, or the world (e.g., “I am bad,” “No one can be trusted,” “The world is completely dangerous”). (Alternatively, this might be expressed as, e.g., “I’ve lost my soul forever,” or “My whole nervous system is permanently ruined”).
3. persistent, distorted blame of self or others about the cause or consequences of the traumatic event(s)
4. persistent negative emotional state (e.g., fear, horror, anger, guilt, or shame)
5. markedly diminished interest or participation in significant activities
6. feelings of detachment or estrangement from others
7. persistent inability to experience positive emotions (e.g., unable to have loving feelings, psychic numbing)
E. Marked alterations in arousal and reactivity associated with the traumatic event(s), beginning or worsening after the traumatic event(s) occurred, as evidenced by two or more of the following:
1. irritable or aggressive behavior
2. reckless or self-destructive behavior
3. hypervigilance
4. exaggerated startle response
5. problems with concentration
6. sleep disturbance (e.g., difficulty falling or staying asleep or restless sleep)
F. Duration of the disturbance (Criteria B, C, D, and E) is more than 1 month.
G. The disturbance causes clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.
H. The disturbance is not attributed to the direct physiological effects of a substance (e.g., medication, drugs, or alcohol) or another medical condition (e.g. traumatic brain injury).
I don’t blame you for not putting your financial security at risk either. I’ve been in similar situations where if money were no object, it would be an easy decision. But for most of us it is an issue.
I’m curious about something. Has your husband ever asked about an open relationship? (I didn’t read every reply, so if this was already covered, I apologize.) Obviously if he did you must have said no, but I’m wondering if he tried out the honest approach.
I think this is far more common than most people know especially with men. I’m 53 and 20-something year old men tell me they want to have sex with me. I’m pretty average looking, so it’s not like they are hitting on Jane Fonda, but I’m always shocked by it. I doubt that 95% of cases of “sex addiction” are actually sex addiction. First, men can procreate as long as they can ejaculate and that’s what our biology tells us to do. Women have to be more discerning because the opportunity cost of getting pregnant is at least 9 months of not getting pregnant again. I realize we don’t think this way, but our genetics do. It doesn’t matter that we are past our reproductive years or that men don’t want to raise babies at 63.
A betrayal is always so painful. I’m sorry for your pain, and I hope you are able to come to terms with some kind of arrangement that you are happy about.
I think She Cat has pretty well nailed it. My question is, based on the list of exs’, who are you feeling lost without? Your choices for husbands is likely to be one loser after another — each one more taxing than the other. Been there. I had no self-esteem, no sense of having value, and each choice was more challenging than the last. Final one was a stalker. Oh my!!
The question now is have you dissected your obvious need for a man; and have you any sense of self-worth left. It sounds suspiciously like it is nil otherwise your need to compromise your integrity so much is equally puzzling.
Empathy is holding a hand while pulling one out of the mire. You may want sympathy — it won’t happen on this site. Too many of us have crawled out of mire to celebrate new beginnings no matter how small the first step was. It would seem this group has lost the rationale, if there was any, of your actions. Most of us have ditched one choice or another in favor of a more sustaining/life affirming choice.
It is NOT him. This puzzle requires “I” statements. There is no one else accountable — it is you. Once the notion of anywhere else to look for a solution dissolves the solution is clearer and clearer. Keep repeating “It is mine to solve” “I am worth …. (at the very least more dignity/respect), and it is mine to implement/claim”.
In the unlikely event you were looking for anything else, turn to his friends they will lie to you. Here we exchange experience stories with knowledge that they were for naught.
Hey Whitefire – I’m sorry that you happen to chose tonite to unload your vents and whining because VN usually has a wonderful group of compassionate people who listen when you’re upset and display a little empathy. But, the group who have posted here tonite seem to have the attitude that you should get you s**t together now. It’s only been 4 days, Venting and airing out feelings is done here all the time. Instead you got lectured about the right thing so do, and pages and pages of medical terms that nobody has time to write.
Feel free to continue vent – we are a very compassionate group and will listen and try to help.
BTW, SheCat, Yes, sex addiction is a symptom of childhood trauma. A close friend of mine has been going to counseling for two year about that on very topic.
Empathy is one thing, which if you thread my response to the OP, I did provide. Sympathy, HALTS a person and is counterproductive to ones healing.
If you also reread my post referring to the detailed description of PTSD, which was copied and pasted from the APA website, no where in there does it state sex addiction is a symptom of PTSD. The list details what the symptoms of PTSD are.
I also stated that a person MAY have TENDANACIES toward sex addiction due to PTSD, but many that have been sexually abused avoid sex.
I also stated to the OP that whatever decision she makes to put herself first. I never stated, or implied that the OP should get her shit together. I told her what I WOULD DO, and DID do.
It’s apparent to me, you read what you wanted to, and skimmed the rest.
I’m with She Cat. We all need sympathy sometimes, “That BITCH! How DARE she!” However, that’s all we get then it feels like we’re doing something and we stay where we are. Empathy, support and compassion look very different and are ultimately more empowering. I love Darcy’s response about this site and how women respond.
I know more than one woman who has stayed married because it makes sense financially. I don’t know that that is necessarily a bad thing. There is another thread about divorce where a woman got good advice about how to make her marriage better.
WhiteFire:
I read in your post, you are 59, a breast cancer survivor, have been subject to marriage to an Alcoholic and Workoholic; you love the man you are married to RIGHT now, sexual issues and all..in addition you love your status in life..home, kids, potential grand kids, pets, and financial security.
It appears when you said something to him about joining the PEACE CORPS and needed his signature, it shook him up. You didn’t mention if you and your husband actually talked about his infidelity. Sounds like you just went with the SHOCK FACTOR, of I want to join the Peace Corp to get his vision back 20/20 on home.
Think about YOU going into counseling and then with the help of the counselor pulling him in as well so you can save your marriage. It’s obvious the other woman is probably NOT leaving her husband either and this was some sort of fling. It’s not ok but hopefully with counseling you and your husband can get past this. Couples have done it, successfully.
I am not a breast cancer survivor so I can’t speak from the perspective of the potential “low self esteem” that may stem from that but your stating you don’t want to show your body to anyone else speaks volumes and there is nothing wrong with you wanting to maintain your current life “status”, “financial” and I am sure “health insurance” as well that he may provide. But the biggest statement is you want your marriage, not the infidelity.
Use the health insurance and pursue counseling for YOU, first and then the two of you as a couple to save your marriage.
WhiteFire: I found this on another post. You may want to check it out…
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com
I am 18 years away from chemo. If you had chemo give it two years to get back to the pre-chemo mind. It kicks the rationality portion of the brain and a sustained though (in the beginning is tough).
Stay away from stress. Now that his pattern is thus and so and he is unlikely to change. Talking to the girlfriend is a never-ending conversation because once one goes another will fill her place. Just what people like him do. No self-esteem unless it is a women ooohing over him and one distraught because of said ooohing. The is just how he likely rolls and without therapy his pattern feeds him and keeps him comfortable. One mention of aaaaah this system does not work for me as the “other” and he will pull in (and zip??) until you have cooled down (again). You are in control of this situation — now just find the steering wheel, and you can control him by pushing a bit here and there — mostly “there” to a counselling office. But then again maybe not. Check out “divorce in my rear view mirror”.
What the ladies of vn who have commented are into is growth of self and dignity/respect and it is tough to see that happening here. This is more like prostitution for a roof, and perhaps you can change it to a dominatrix for a roof. Keep us posted.
There is no doubt in my mind that everyone’s intentions are good and everyone wants to help when responding to any post. I agree with Vonnie. I’d feel defensive after reading these (I see no responses from WhiteFire since 10 replies ago. Maybe she hasn’t had a chance. There is a ton of therapy on this thread, and tons of advice. I can’t hear that kind of response until I’ve felt heard and safe. I’d have left by now and tried to find a different forum. This is a bunch of smart women who have experienced a lot of life and we want to share our wisdom to help other women on this site. I think WhiteFire may not have felt heard or safe (she confronted the other woman and sort of got blasted for that, but man, we all do things out of raw emotion). WhiteFire, I hope you do come back. This is a group of smart, caring women who tend to be very direct at times. I want you to find the support you need. I hope you do. Dana
I also really think it’s missing the point to focus on sex addiction or PTSD. WhiteFire wants to feel supported by women who are supporting other women. I don’t feel the need to think much beyond that because until she does feel supported, odds are good that advice and “teaching” will come across as not hearing or understanding or as condescending. Again, I know everyone’s intentions are good. I have seen nothing to indicate otherwise. We have to meet people where they are in order to check our understanding and provide sincere empathy. Most people don’t want a plan of action – that’s what men are for – fixing things – and one of our biggest complaints about them. That they can’t just listen and empathize, they have to go into fix-it mode. Unconditional positive regard goes a really long way.
Dana,
I posted the criteria for having PTSD because the OP was the one to bring up the fact that she has PTSD from being betrayed. You can not get PTSD from being betrayed. Sorry, it just doesn’t happen. She also mentioned her husband is addicted to sex from trauma. Again, sex addiction isn’t a symptom of trauma. Some people MAY have the tendency to be over sexed if they have been sexually abused as children, but just as many survivors will be just the opposite.
I honestly don’t see any harshness in any of the post in this thread. Including mine. I think there has been support, honesty, and calling things as one sees it.
Again, being supportive and showing empathy is one thing, giving sympathy does not help a person, it actually hurts them. I am the type of person that calls it as I see it. I don’t sugar coat anything, and I expect the same back.
Call me the Queen of Blunt if you want….
She Cat, I wasn’t targeting any remark in particular. All I meant was that if I posted and read through this thread, my reaction would be defensive, and I’d probably leave the forum. Facts are often irrelevant when rapport has not yet been established. Bluntness can be a good thing, especially when the other person knows you and understands the intent. I have a really good friend who occasionally tells me such blunt things that if I didn’t know her, I’d be offended. But I know it comes from a place of deep love and intention to take me by the shoulders and shake me into objectivity. I know her well enough to feel loved by those comments. No criticism intended at all….I just notice this woman seems to have fled. Hopefully, I’m wrong, and in an Emily Litella voice I can say, Never mind
One other point about PTSD. Psychiatric guidelines miss some occurrences of PTSD. I’ve been diagnosed because of a combination of having a life-threatening illness and a bully boss at the same time. That might sound whiny, but I have every symptom. My psychiatrist said, no, you can’t have PTSD, you don’t fit my checklist. My therapist said, if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck. The more she knows of my story, the stronger the diagnosis becomes. We talk about my”trauma” all the time in therapy.
Dana,
I agree, if you have the symptoms, and have been through what you said, then yes, the possibility of you having PTSD is strong. I would seek out another psychiatrist to assure your diagnosis. No, you don’t sound whiny either. Everyone’s trauma is their own, they experience it in their own way.
Mine was childhood abuse, mental and physical. Sexually abused by family members, and gang raped at 15 by college students , when I got drunk at a party..
PTSD sucks……
Right it does and (I think) every woman who has been engaged in violence in the home/date/anywhere has PTSD. I was stalked for months, years, with threats to steal the baby from NICU. The thermometer began malfunctioning on the radiator and things were never the same. It takes a lot of self-examination to manage depression, low self-esteem, lack of self-worth and continuation of the abuse only with a different face. That is all the women here want her to know. We survive! we will survive! and overcome! (sounds like a song).
Another thought is — what would make me avoid this thread, especially if I wanted some ideas.
The original author would seem to be correct (based on the evidence) she does not want a “solution”, she merely wants us to know she is suffering. The other side of that is it occasionally seems like ….. martyrdom. I just want to keep talking about how wrong they are and how right (and noble) I am. I have that T-shirt too.
Yes, it does suck. It seems like having a threat to your life, whether it’s from violence or illness or an accident, or witnessing death is a common denominator. It doesn’t matter what my psychiatrist thinks because I’m on the right meds, and I have a most excellent therapist who is treating it. You really have to be a savvy mental health consumer (or health care consumer in general) to get the treatment you believe you need in this country.
White Fire
I am so sorry for your pain. I have been there. The anger is overwhelming and it is part of the process cause it is just a caulderon in your body of love, anger, hate, rage, humiliation. That does not even cover the sense of rejection which is the most hurtful of all emotions.
To put it bluntly, your husband is an ass. Why do mean cheat? Because they can. Same for the woman. It has nothing to do with you but we gals always think it does and it sure as heck feels like it.
You know this is the first stages. So, you know your emotions are shifting all the time, from minute to minute.
So, this is my heartfelt advice to you:
You are right where you are suppose to be right now. If you blew it by going to the girlfriend (and I am proud of you that you did not kill her) it is ok. You will get another opportunity to do it different.
First calm down. Stop talking. I know it is hard. Say nothing about it to your husband. Get back to some sort of normal so he thinks all is well.
Then start to protect yourself financially. Make copies of things, keep track, make a list, secure some funds in your own name quietly, whatever.
Then, go away for a couple of days and tell him. Don’t play games.
You need to rest yourself for real. I know you want to run away but don’t. While you are gone someplace peaceful while you churn inside, think about getting away but not for good. There are a ton of volunteer places you can go (and no not the peace corp) you can do a stint of 3-6 months with room and board and stiped and not be too far from home.
Then go back home. Think about the volunteer opportunity you want.
Maybe apply (I can send you link)
Above all – realize this – (I know you know this) YOU cannot change your husband or the girlfriend) you can only change you.
Don’t worry about what he does, you are reacting to him. You need to work on you and take action so he reacts to you.
Also, keep notes, dates times phone calls etc of what you know. This will come in handy later.
You are not wrong to want to stay even though he cheated on you but the real issue now is the pain that he is not hat he did cause it is not in the past as of yet.
We (women) all want them to be shocked by our outrage and pain, they are not. We want them to fight for us because we love them, they don’t. We want them to make us feel valuable instead of like a useless burden because they have someone new. They don’t. We are totally outraged that they could even do this deliberate hurtful deceitful action to us to cause this great amount of pain.
Don’t worry about keeping him. Worry about you right now. He may come to his senses and then again you may end up feeling different because it makes you physically ill to imagine him with someone else that you see, know who she is.
Right now, be good to you, be patient with yourself, protect yourself financially, and take a little break and go some where and relax and enjoy yourself. This will get you started. Then you will be able to think a little clearer.
I think you wrote your post because you are hurt and just needed to be heard. We all know the possible solutions cannot be summed up in one post. Solutions are processes that take time.
You are in pain and you are in agony emotionally. Life I said, rejection is the deepest of all emotional pains we can suffer as human beings.
Hang in there because YOU are worth it. Hope to hear again from you.
Thank you Gold Bangles. This is the first time I am here, to read and understand the pain. I have only read comments. I do not need to ask questions. I now know. I will tell you all. That woman hurts. So do I. I think I really hate men. Sorry husbands. Never want to be married. If my life falls apart; I will never marry again. Only date. I know I will survive. I pay ALL the bills Everything in my name. I only have to kick him to the curb. That’s the hard part. He says he love me all the time. But I always tell myself he says that to the dog too.
Thank you Dana, vonnie and gold bangles, for your understanding.
Wow….now it’s like I have to defend myself here in addition to the present drama in my life. Yes, I left the post. I am a health care professional, really didn’t need a volume of med diagnosis, copy & pasted & posted. Nor was I really looking for anyone to tell me what to do. I just needed a place to express my feelings. Thought maybe I’d hear from others who have been in the same.place. Y’all made it sound like I was some emotional, idiot. I do not have low self esteem. I’m not too keen on showing anyone my naked, 59 yr old body, that has been mutilated by cancer. I have a huge circle of friends. I am connected spiritually, we just recently moved, we are selling our house, there is a lot of changes already. But I was really happy, having a lot of fun. As a matter of fact, I’ve never been happier. It’s quite a bombshell that my husband is so unhappy. Btw, the girlfriend is gone, my husband says he wants a divorce. Life goes on, I will survive. I spent the week end in my vintage trailer at a beautiful campsite, the leaves are changing color, incredible community, campfires. Was great! I will be fine. Another chapter.
White Fir
You have my sincere apology. I thought you were looking for support and empathy.
Mea culpa. Take care.
WhiteFire, thanks for your reply. I’m glad to know you’re doing okay. I’m sorry that your husband asked for a divorce. It’s always hard when you realize you haven’t been on the same page when you thought you were. If you ever want to talk, surely there’s some way to privately message someone on this site. I’d be happy to hear from you. Take care. Dana
WhiteFire:
Glad to see your updated post and that you had a relaxing, peaceful weekend looking at nature.
Yes, life goes on..
Thinking of you…hugs and Love
I just had to check back in and give an update. My husband broke up with his girlfriend. I told him I was NOT getting a divorce, he needed to grow up!! We are closer than ever, we are having more sex than ever, we are having more fun than ever. It has totally changed our relationship for the better. I am taking responsibility for my part in this, and so is he. One day at a time. It only took a change in MY attitude to change things. My girlfriends can’t believe how happy we are
Congratulations! You sound really happy. I’m glad you are doing what is right for you; not what seems to be a socially acceptable answer to an impossible issue. Extramarital sex happens more than most people know, and most of the time it stays unknown and people continue to have companionship.
I believe “it” would be the affair. I will not judge based on what I would do. I might have done the same thing though.
I am skeptical (in a loving way). WHAT happened to turn things from black to white??!! “It” has totally changed your relationship. What is “it.”
That is a very good question, what is “it”, where can I buy “it”, is it like couth you can find it in a “couth” shop, is it readily available, does it cure loneliness, does”it” buy popcorn for me at the movies, and most importantly does “it” come as a self-cleaning package?
I feel this response is disrespectful. I don’t know what she means by a “couth shop” Couch?
My meaning was that it was such an abrupt turn around and I was wondering what happened.
There is so much that seems left out….are they in counseling? How does she know this won’t happen again? How did she come to trust him almost immediately? I am glad if this is all “real.” I just don’t (as none of us do) want her to be trusting, naive, etc……..and get hurt again….It would seem there still needs to be a lot of work to do….I was just asking (respectfully) since it seemed to happen blindingly fast…I would think it would take a whole lot of work to trust again.
Maybe I’m just being sensitive because I am sensitive about many things right now…this thread feels like bullying to me. It seems judgmental and sarcastic. I’m not pointing out anyone in particular. I just know I’d hate most of the comments. Everyone has to make their own decisions and men cheating has a lot of valid responses.
In the event cheating is valid, what would propel one toward marriage and monogamy?
Couth is refinement, rather like suave and debonaire.
It would take quite a bit for me to overcome adultery in my relationship. I also wonder what “it” is so that I may work toward, or recognize on site.
I’m almost positive she’s saying “it” is the affair and everything that ensued. “It” was a catalyst to making changes that helped them both be happier. I could also be totally wrong about that. I don’t think marriage and monogamy is the end game, I think companionship is, especially as we get older. And if marriage and monogamy is all there is, a really crappy relationship could meet those criteria.
Thank you, Dana. This was the first time, and probably the last time I will post on this site. I felt almost battered after reading these posts, I was looking for a place to vent, and pretty much got blasted. But that’s ok, it’s not about me, everyone has their own issues and crap to deal with. I am also not the ordinary wife (clearly) my belief system is not so niave, and choose to take a spiritual high road. We are all spiritual beings, here to figure this earth thing out. My husband and I have both been married before, we were not virgins when we married. It’s silly for me to get all worked up over something that didn’t really happen. Yes…he was having an emotional affair, and would have done more if he was able. Basic principle, when we are unhappy or lonely we all react and do stupid shit! Men, I have decided are pretty much all 7 yrs old. Occasionally they are 12, but mostly they are 7 and act 7! If you look at it like that, it changes things. First, he could have hidden it, he knows I’m pretty smart and would sense it. (subconsciously he wanted to be caught, or ‘saved’ from himself) Second, it was clear he was distressed, or ‘not himself’. He wanted to use the affair to ‘escape’ from the life he had created. He was hating his job, hating his life, needing something….(remember he is 7) thankfully I recognized why was going on, I helped him have a change of attitude, I had a change of attitude, we had a Jerry Springer Day, yelling, crying, and him calling the gf and breaking it off. But bottom line, I needed to help him find his home again, and remind him it’s a happy safe haven for him. I needed to help him remember he is a man (I didn’t tell him he was 7), a man in every way, sexually and financially. Now he is singing, smiling, making love to me, and grateful that I saved him from himself. Thanked me for not allowing him to implode his life. I know this may be hard for some of you to understand, but there is wisdom in age….this was my path, it worked for me. Good luck in your lives, may you find the love you are looking for.
P. S. try ‘Divorce Buster’ the book…….I found that phylosophy in line with my thinking.