Husband is sex-texting Hot Conversation

My husband had an affair over 10 years ago.  We worked and worked and we made it through.  However, there is still a part of me that has never fully trusted him.  I looked through his phone yesterday and there were texts between him and a woman.  I was devastated!  I went through the betrayal all over again.  When I confronted him he said he was just “playing!”  He met her through a game that he plays online.  He tells me he doesn’t know why he does this; he had no answer for me.  Our sex life has been non-existent (I’m 56, he’s 53 and overweight, smokes and lethargic).  I don’t know what to do.  Actually, I do know.  Get into therapy but I’m so heartbroken right now.  I fought so hard the first time to save my marriage and now this.  I don’t know if I really want to.  He says he loves me and I’m the one he wants to be with and grow old with but after yesterday’s discovery I’m lost.

Posted in love & sex.

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17 Responses

  1. Generic Image Linda says

    My first thought if he’s overweight, smokes and lethargic he probably isn’t having a physical affair and getting his jollies through sexting. Doesn’t make it any better. It’s disgusting. I would be creeped out by this. Like ok, you can’t have anything to do with me but you can act like a big stud texting? Oh no! I’d call him on it for sure. But that’s me. I guess you have to figure out if this is worth saving yet again. I know what I think but that’s me.

    1 like

  2. Generic Image Darcy09 says

    yesterday’s incident has NOTHING to do with you.  His brain may have sent a message saying “horny”.  He, however, cannot get it up/keep it up.  Rather than embarrass himself in front of you, he went to the great ANONYMOUS in the sky.  End of discussion.
     
    He may have put the weight on to prevent himself from “roaming” again.  A tactic usually reserved for sexually abused women.  Now when he begins to lose the weight and starts exercising — that would be a sign of something.  In the mean time ….
    Well… I guess you carry on the way it is now.  Feed, water, shelter until you are really really tired of giving and giving without a refill now and then.  You could really jack him up by getting a vibrator, shutting the privacy room door and using it.  Then you can sit back and watch the fireworks (if he has anything with which to create fireworks).
     
    On the other hand you could get a dog or cat and feed, water and shelter it.  They give affection in return.

    4 like

  3. She Cat She Cat says

    I’m so sorry that you have had to go through this. It sounds as though your husband has more issues than just being overweight, and lethargic. Sexting, can be just as bad as porn, because it leads to other things.

    You don’t need a vibrator, what you really need to do is figure out what you want from this relationship, and if you feel it’s possible to have it, given your husbands past behaviors.

    Bottom line is, he has crossed a boundary, he’s emotionally cheating on you, and possibly physically also.

    Figure out what you want, and then go for it. You deserve to be happy and emotionally stable within a relationship.

    8 like

  4. Generic Image Linda says

    I totally agree that this is not about you! Sounds like a selfish $&@&!!

    2 like

  5. Generic Image HmmmHolly says

    You said, ” I fought so hard the first time to save my marriage…” but that cannot be done by only one of you and obviously he is not working towards that goal.  I say it is time for you to “fight so hard to save yourself” you deserve better then this.
     
    You gave him a chance when he betrayed you before…you don’t owe him a second chance to cheat on you especially when he is making light of his behavior saying he is “just playing”?!
     
    <HUGS>
     
    Holly

    6 like

  6. Generic Image kwilczyk says

    First, I want to thank all of you for your thoughts and support.  My husband has started therapy.  I found another communication from him to this woman.  This time I didn’t even yell, scream or anything.  I called him out on it and said I can’t take this anymore.  I’m done.  He said he doesn’t know why he does it.  I always thought he had a sexual addiction and have told him so in the past.  Of course, he denied it.  No one wants to admit an addiction to anything much less sex.  He had his first therapy session yesterday and I’m relieved.  I’m not 100% certain about anything yet but I’m glad he’s taking a step towards saving himself and our marriage.  Thanks again everyone.  VN rocks!!

    5 like

    • Generic Image HmmmHolly says

      That is great news that he is seeking help for his addiction.  I hope he sticks with the treatment, for his sake as well as yours.  Be strong :-)

      Holly

      1 like

  7. Generic Image Darcy09 says

    Good for him.  Next question, what are you doing for you.  It will take two to “fix” this marriage.  I recommend reading, counselling, evaluating… so something to feel strong in yourself.

    2 like

    • Generic Image kwilczyk says

      Darcy09, I will be doing counselng as well.  I do know that it takes two and I will take an active part.  I have a lot of feelings about this and I still can’t shake the betrayal, deceit and cheating from all of this.  I sometimes feel like I want to scream and yell.  I’ve been through this before when I found out about his affair.  It’s not quite as intense but the insecurity is, at times, unbearable.  I just want to punch him and kick the shit out of her. 

      2 like

  8. Generic Image Darcy09 says

    you might well end up saving yourself and not the marriage.  I think it is more important to save yourself.  Leaves you better able to manage all the “other stuff”.   He may well die a cheater and alone.  Take care of yourself and let others have the same luxury.
     
    It is tough to feel used, by someone you trusted.  I may be his way of being in this life, and there may no be a cure.

    1 like

  9. Gage Gage says

    ok im gonna catch flack for this response but someone has to start telling the truth here.

    Stop being a victim.  You have choices.  His ‘idk why i do it is a crap response from a man who doesnt want to tell the truth or is constitutionally incapable of telling the truth.  He might not be attracted to you any more and that isnt about you its about him needing something new all the time and wanting you to be comfortable with…. blah I personally dont need a man hanging out that i have to make comfortable… he needs to grow up and so do you.

    the truth is men need to be desired too as do we women and their sex drive is so strong that i admire the ones who remain faithful.  If faithful is a big issue for you then lay down the law. 

    I’m going to list some options you have as i see them you have many more than this but here are a few.
    1) divorce him and be alone (this is a bit harsh but its a clear choice)
    2) get him to sextext you
    3) get yourself taken care of if its sex you want cause your not getting any now so who cares if its someone else he’s sextexting.

    Your choices depend on what you want not what he does.

    0 like

  10. Generic Image Byline 1977 says

    Been through this myself. Actually, my (former husband) was communicating online long before the idea of “sexting” became popular. He was online doing all sorts of stuff. Quite honestly, some of it was downright disgusting. Not sure if he’s “sexting” now but I wouldn’t be surprised. Per your own situation, you do need to talk with a therapist. And you need to make some decisions — many of which will be tough. It took me many years to confront these issues — and only when I finally did truly face them — was i able to make the right decision for me. Not him. I needed to make a decision that worked 100 percent for me. And my life. My health was a big issue — and I had to ensure that I could continue getting “better and stronger” so I finally did what I needed to do. I wish you well .. hope you can find the right pathway.

    2 like

  11. watermusic watermusic says

    I agree with She Cat and Gage. There are no victims here, stop acting like one. Decide what you want and rather you can get it in your marriage.  I think it’s a deal breaker myself.  Don’t let other people have all the power in your life. How a person treats you says is about their character.

    1 like

  12. Generic Image Anonymous says

    He may say he “doesn’t know why he does it,” but he could sure stop it if he wanted to!  It’s not like anyone’s forcing him to sex text this twit.

    What if you left him for a while?  Is there anyplace else you can go or stay.  I would leave without any explanation.  Send him a text saying you’re leaving and do it!  See how he likes it!!

    0 like

  13. Generic Image Darcy09 says

    Well, here is that old saying lead, follow, or get out of the way and there are many issues in a marriage that could use one or the answers.  Sex-texting is one, what do YOU want to do.  If you want to leave here is your reason; if you want to stay then chime in on the sex-texting, or just let it go and get on with your life — that’s what he has done.  It will leave you feeling relieved, anxious, or grateful (to have to do nothing).
     
    You either take a stand, engage in dialog, or keep quiet.  Whatever the value of this husband is will determine your activity.
     

    0 like

  14. Generic Image Anonymous says

    Ditch the dud!

    3 like

  15. Generic Image borderbelle says

    He’s overweight, lethargic and smokes. Doesn’t sound like he’s going to be able to grow old with anyone. You are 56 and have another 30+ years of bliss if you choose it. Do you really think you will find that with him?   Yes, there would be adjustments, I found that being healthy alone is so wonderful, much more fulfilling than being anxious with someone who is never going to be trustworthy. Your life is your own, and only you will choose your outcome.

    5 like

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