How I know I am not ready to date

So. I went online and posted my picture and everything. My profile says I am independent and smart and funny. All true,by the way. It also says I would like to have butterflies in my tummy again. Also true.

So. I have one guy who wants to be my protector, which I did not ask for…but it was tempting. Maybe I need a protector. That wouldn’t be so bad. I can play the “I need a big, strong man” role.

The next guy….actually lots of guys have winked at me…but this guy emailed me amd told me I was a cut above the rest…whatever that means. He suggested I go online and listen to his original music. He wrote me some flowery stuff that I couldn’t really understand even though I am an English major and have read lots of STUFF. WhenI went to his website, here was this attractive older man…posing with his shirt unbuttoned…all the way. Well, I reasoned with myself, I could probably like his music if I tried really hard to ignore the cliches and flowery, gooey love songs. I probably could get used to staying up past nine at night so I could go to the paces he performs. BUT, I am pretty sure I will never recover from the short unbuttoned poses. Some things just shouldn’t happen.
But I was willing to try to talk myself into it.

Then I found this really appealing guy, and he emailed me a nice email that said he liked my profile picture. He plays tennis and raises horses. I have no tennis experience and I have SEEN horses before. But…before I knew it, I was looking up riding schools and tennis teachers.

Stop right there. Just stop, Vicky. This is what you always do. You always try to turn yourself into something you aren’t just for the sake of attracting a man. You have done this, darling, ever since you learned in the 8th grade from the Wendy Ward School of Charm that you should be interested in what men do…and pursue that.

I am not ready to date because I am still, unfortunately, following the same irrational train of thought. I need more time to figure out me. The horse guy is really cute, and I think I would like him. But I doubt seriously he would give up tennis and horses for me, and until I am that comfortable with my choices in life, I just need to not date. Sad, but true.

Posted in love & sex.

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6 Responses

  1. Vonnie Kennedy Vonnie Kennedy says


    Reread what you just wrote, “Stop right there. Just stop, Vicky.” That shows that you recognize the thing you ‘used’ to do. Would you have recognized it a year ago or would you have just continued researching horseback riding and tennis and tried to become somebody you’re not?

    I met my guy online and he was a tennis player, too, and I’m definitely not. But, after talking to him I found we have a lot of other things in common that neither of us included in our profiles.

    We still agree after 10 years together that the main attraction to each other was humor. We still make each other laugh every day. Then, he goes in and plays chess on the computer and I grab my latest copy of Oprah, a cup of coffee and head for the porch.

    You’ve recognized that you’ve tried in the past to change yourself into something you’re not, so don’t. But that doesn’t mean you can’t contact the guy. Most men struggle with these profiles just as much as we do. We write what know and hope for the best.

    So you know nothing about horses, do you want to learn? Maybe you have a hobby that he would like to hear about.

    I say write him a humorous one-liner, “Hey, were you that guy riding the horse on the Marlboro commercial? or “I bet your horse couldn’t keep up with my (insert dog, cat, bird). Anyway, you get the picture.

    You are ready to date again, Vicky, as long as you remember you don’t have to change for anybody. In fact, I’m sure you have a lot of experience that others want to hear. Go for it, girl! :)

    5 like

  2. Guilded Lilly Guilded Lilly says

    “ I just need to not date. Sad, but true.”

    Then say goodbye to the sad.

    Maybe you just need to quit calling it dating (grin) and call it meeting new people who can make life interesting!  It’s perhaps getting over the word *dating* that is holding you back?

    Dating as we once knew it, is a dated word (heh) and we’re evolving beyond that in the opportunities out there to connect with new personalities and adventures.

    You can continue to get to know the most interesting person in your life…YOU…while putting that *train of thought * that is holding you in a past mindset on a brand new track!

    3 like

    • watermusic watermusic says

      Changing your perspective is a great idea. I love not calling it dating.  Most of the time I am just getting to know someone in the same way that I get to know a new woman friend. Great advice.

      1 like

  3. Sienna Jae Fein Sienna Jae Fein says

    Vonnie and Guilded Lily have both given you good advice, which boils down to put yourself out there and relax. 

    Way back in high school and college we didn’t rely on shared interests — were we hot for the captain of the baseball team because we loved baseball?!?

    Now that we’re older, available age-appropriate men have spent decades immersing themselves in sports or horses or old cars or gardening. That doesn’t mean they won’t be open to new experiences — such as the things that interest you.

    I’ll admit that it’s great if you both love Tolstoy and trout fishing, but it’s a mistake to hold out for someone whose interests match yours exactly. 

    Vonnie points out that she and her guy found out lots about each other that wasn’t in their online profiles. Maybe if you agree to meet someone whose profile doesn’t fit your wish list, you might have a nice surprise. And even if he’s not the right guy for you, you’ll have had a nice cup of coffee with someone who could be, as GL suggests, a friend.


    2 like

  4. Generic Image pg58 says


    All the above responses are great!   I love feeling that spark and dressing up and going out!  It’s FUN!!!  Just good simple sweet fun!  I deserve that male companionship  and so do you!  Breathe deeply, lean in hard and take a little risk.  Smile!!!

    2 like

  5. Generic Image Anonymous says

    Hi Vicky
    I think its great you have recognized dating patterns from your past.  I also call it the pretzel syndrome as in bending like a pretzel to please a man.  I was so guilty of that in my first marriage so I know how you are feeling just thinking about doing that.

    Try and remember it’s ok to have a life that is similar and different then someone else’s.  That way you both bring interesting things to the table of dating along with some common activities to share.  

    And learning about tennis and horses is great as long as you don’t give up your own interests.  Your interests are what keep you interesting to men in the dating world!  Have fun and keep up the great dating work!

    2 like

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