He isn’t interested in sex, intimacy, hugging, or affection. Why does he say he loves me? Hot Conversation

I’m smart, I give GREAT advice and wisdom; but I don’t listen to my own advice!  I’ve been married and divorced twice.  Now, I’ve been in a relationship for nearly 7 years, and he is not interested in sex.  Not that important to him, he says.  We go days with out kissing or hugging.  If I don’t initiate affection, we’d go weeks!  Good man, good provider, works hard, and we have a beautiful home!  I could go on.  And, I love him.  I’m a very young 53 year old, and he’s 50!  We still have a lot of years in us; and I want to have SEX!!!  Yes.  I’ve told him. 

Posted in love & sex.

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38 Responses

  1. Generic Image Chrissie Paseur says

    Is he on medication that knocks out his sex drive?  That could possibly be the problem.

    1 like

    • Generic Image SandyB says

      Chrissie,

      No meds.  He’s never been married.  A very private guy.  Traveled a lot with his job, in his younger years.  He is very uncomfortable with affection.  Not raised in an affectionate family.  But, very family oriented.  I’m not giving up…

      1 like

  2. blufox9654 blufox9654 says

    I was just listening to a radio talk show. It was one of those call in therapy things. This same topic came up and a woman called in and said that her boyfriend of three years was unaffectionate and not interested in sex. The Therapist suggested that perhaps her companion was gay.  the lady had not thought of this and was shocked they suggested it. So that is one thought. That said, I have a very close friend and her husband has never been that interested in sex. They had a great life together and then he left her for a younger woman! Go figure….

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  3. dynamomma dynamomma says

    At fifty this should not be happening!!!!  I hope you’re not blaming yourself.  I doubt it’s about you.  If the lack of an interest in sex is new, make sure he goes and has a physical.  There could be a physical problem that would lessen the drive and/or desire.  If he has been this way for most of the 7 years, well . . . that’s a whole nuther conversation.

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  4. Vagabond Vagabond says

    I hear you, it is so frustrating and confusing. For us it was not an issue until we got married, talk about Jekyll and Hyde

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  5. zglinski zglinski says

    Hi Sandy,

    I am sad to say that I am in the same situation. I have been married to my second husband for twenty years now. The first ten years I could not keep him away from me. Then, bam. Gone.

    My husband just stopped being interested in sex. Now let me point out that he is five years my senior. I am almost 56 and he is 61. Every time I try to talk to him about it he says “This again?” I do not know that we talked about it more then 10 times over the years. His explanation is that it must be the beta blockers he takes. The doctor says no. He gave him Viagara. My husband took the pill only once. It worked. He never took it again.

    In all fairness to my husband, I have gained weight over the years. Now I am not huge but I am not the girl he married. He has also gained some weight.

    Finally about a year ago my husband told me that the problem is that he feels he is “too small” and that he feels he could not satisfy me. I told him that this was rediculous. I told him size does not matter. That did not help. So, I remain in this sad situation.

    I have given up. I had to make a decision. I either leave him or I decide to accept it. I have accepted it. It is sad really.

    Patricia

    1 like

    • Generic Image SandyB says

      Patricia,

      Thank you for your reply.  I love him.  He’s funny, supports me, gives me space, and I love him!  I’m not done talking to him.  But, like your husband, he does say, ” This again?”….  p.s.  Happy 2010!!!  Maybe it’ll be a new change…? 

      SandyB

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      • zglinski zglinski says

        Well that is great to hear! I am glad you love him and are so sure of it! I, on the other hand wonder, am I really in love with him or do I feel sorry for him…

        Yes, maybe 2010 will bring new things. hang in there!

         

        Paty :)

         

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      • Tas Tas says

        Hi Sandy

        I’m new to this thread.  I’m finding these postings very interesting.  I had the same thing happen to me about four years ago in a serious relationship.  I had NEVER experienced this before.  He wasn’t interested in sex at all after about a year.  He is handsome, charming, intelligent, …so on.  We enjoyed each other, traveled, had so much in common.  I thought he might be gay.  I started thinking he was having an affair, might be gay.  One night I looked at his phone.  I found emails addresses of all women saved in his phone.  The addresses lead me to believe these women and or sites were sexual.  I copied down a few, looked through his brief case.  I’ve never done this with any partner.  But my gut lead me to do this.  Then I found out he was addicted to porn!!!  I broke it off with him.  He denied it, but after I called one of the woman, after I looked up the sites…it was clear to me that intimacy wasn’t going to happen because he was objectifying the women…not capable of true intimacy.  I wasn’t married to him so it was much easier.  Being in a marriage…it’s so important to try and work things out…epecially if there’s love.   Two of my girlfriends had the same experience about their husbands NOT at all interested in them sexually …one was gay and the other one loved porn only.  I’m not saying this about your husband Sandy, but you might continue to explore this lack of sexual desire.  If he’s physically healthy, not taking medications that would contribute to his lack of interest.   STRESS can cause many men and women to feel non sexual.  Another friend’s husband was having an affair, so he was content at home…not requiring sex from his wife.   I have another beautiful friend (inside and out).  She loves her husband so much.  She can’t get him interested at all.  She tried to discuss it all the time.  It’s heartbreaking for her.  Some of you are going to hate what I’m about to say but if partners don’t want to make an effort to be sexual, to take care of their partner’s needs…maybe a honest question to them would be “if you aren’t interested in me sexually”  how would you feel about me having sex with someone else because going through life the next 20 to 30 years without sex seems sad and neglectful.”  I think that would be a conversation I would have with my partner if he wasn’t interested in me sexually, or wasn’t into sex anymore.  My partner and I make sure we have “date night” at least once or twice a week.  We look forward to it.  My understanding of men and women is after years people become so comfortable they don’t have the sexual interest anymore.  Have you tried a sex therapist, tried spicing things up by setting the mood for him?  I don’t believe women have to be the seductress all the time but sometimes taking charge of it by setting the mood can help.  T

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      • Generic Image yankeetrader says

        I have a similar situation, with some differences of course. No sex for 9 years and a husband that doesn’t want to talk about it even though he tells me he can still get excited and is normal and not gay.  I am a HUGE source of pressure to him and that is why he can’t have sex with me, he says.  I think he’s selfish, thinks only of himself and refuses to change. Yet he says he loves me. I also think he’s passive-aggressive and this is his way of getting back at me. I can’t leave him; I have no way of supporting myself.  He is an only child and I don’t think he has any real understanding of what a relationship is.  His father is tyrannical and fooled around a lot and his mother is afraid of her own shadow and did anything her spouse wanted her to do.

        Any advice is welsome!

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      • Tas Tas says

        Hi Yankeetrader

        You are in a tough position.  You must make sure you are finacially stable before you were to leave..you are smart.  I think after 9 years I would end up having an affair.  I know many women are going to take this offensively…but honestly aren’t most of these men we are talking about on here are being selfish.  Sex is normal.  If you had a great sexually relationship and then there’s nothing that’s a red flag.  He may be doing what his father did..happens a lot.  Don’t be scared of your own shadow…that will accomplish nothing.  I would seek counseling.  I have one very brave friend, she seeks out male companionship and often has wonderful safe sexual relationships outside her marriage. Maybe one man is not the answer on this thread.  I’m just tossing this out there…don’t mean to offend any of you lovely ladies. Ciao for now

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      • Generic Image yankeetrader says

        I am not in a position to be financially independent. Our finances, both current and retirement funds, are intertwined. I will never be able to retire on my own. I have thought about having affairs as I love sex and see no reason to stop. He’s not having an affair: he got on the internet decades ago and he learned from my response that I was devastated by what he did ( and he never apologized for it) and would probably be able to figure out if he was ever doing anything like it in the future. I’m smarter than he is.  I went from feeling I did something wrong to shutting down completely after so many years of trying to get him to talk to me about it and, when he wouldn’t, unsucessfully try to get him and me into counseling .  Now he is annoyed on the rare occasions when I bring it up. At this point I have a lot of anger towards him for his selfishness and an affair is the obvious direction to go. I just don’t know as running the other way right now is what I want to do, I’m trying to develop an income for myself (I’m older and won’t be able to get hired for even a Walmart greeter) I am a tough cookie but this has brought my self-esteem to a low level. 

         

        I’;m slowly coming to the conclusion I married an immature man who has no intention of changing. If any changing has to be done, its going to have to be on my end.  I haven’t got a college degree and very little retirment money. I will have to rely on his retirement, which, if we get divorced, will cut me off from any hope of retiring.  So, yes, I feel trapped by my own choices.

        1 like

    • dgthebee dgthebee says

      well, I started a really long response but then I couldn’t remember my password! I just wanted to say that I think you and your husband would benefit from some couples counselling. The reason I say this is that you do not want to be the rest of your life (until one of you dies) in this “sad situation!” My husband and I have beein in counselling on and off over the years, but it wasn’t really doing the deep work we needed until we started seeing the current person. She is an Imago therapist…if you look that up on google you will become fascinated! The work is based on the work of Harville Hendrix, you may have read one of his books. I would not say my husband has been eager for this (it’s usually the woman who takes a couple into counselling) but he is seeing the benefit for both of us. The problem you are having is (in my humble and really just amateur opinion) about intimacy. You can’t get intimacy unless you both can talk about your feelings. Our therapist is really pushing my husband to talk about his; it’s tough, he’s not used to it. He uses words like “good” and “fine” which really are not feelings. I don’t have this problem,but what took us into therapy this time (and we were already seeing a different person when this happened) was that I connected with an old flame on facebook, one who hurt me deeply, and for 2 weeks we talked via email, in person and on the phone, because he wanted to apologize for hurting me so very badly. I am talking about 30 years ago! I had put the whole thing away but then found his name on Fbook, and we began corresponding. My husband began to get scared along the way (though he still uses other words for that feeling, like “uncomfortable”). He does not find it easy to use words like “love”, “afraid”, “sad”. But it is changing. And as it changes, so does my draw to him increase. And I am also getting help for my own issues, like some very old wounds and needs. What I am saying here is that there is hope, don’t give up hope. Get help so that you and your husband can get the real connection and feeling of safety in each other that you both deserve and desire, and then the sex life will likely improve. And staying with him to figure this out is definitely a great choice, because Hendrix says (and I have many friends who have seen this over and over) you will just repeat the same patterns in the next relationship…after the initial shine wears (usually around 5 years), people find themselves repeating patterns, and some of them figure out it’s not a series of bad partners, it’s themselves that are doing this…there is lots of good work to be done ina good marriage…I truly believe it is NEVER easy to make a good marriage work…but it can be done, and it is WORTH it…good luck, I really hope you find happiness with this man. 20 years is a long time to throw away, either inside the marriage or outside of it.

      1 like

      • Generic Image SandyB says

        WoW!  I really am amazed with so many responces to my post.  My guy travels a lot, and he is in a stressful job.  Yes.  He travels, and I don’t believe he strays.  Not that kind, and he’s home every weekend.  ANYWAY, we are not married, but living that way. 

        I thank all of you women for your support and thoughts.  I will take them all, and proceed with my “attack” plan.  *:)  Yes, there is definately a little Cougar in me!  HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! 

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      • Generic Image Myra Anderson says

        Well, be careful, he could have  another life going,,,, I just went through this  with a guy who  created a whole new self with me and pretended he was someone he wasn’t, then come to find out , after some digging cause stories  were not adding up, he was married and had a wife and three kids in another city,,, that is NOT the picture he painted for me, and yes he traveled, and lived further away from me,, he had it all covered,,,, Im just say’n,,  make sure you  investigate all th   possibilities, he might be out there doing whatever, having a  single life, then running home to mommy!  

        1 like

      • zglinski zglinski says

        Thank you for your response. My husband is very private and would NEVER seek outside help of any sort.

        To give you a little more insight to my situation, he has very high blood pressure – which is takes pills for. He is lazy and does not work and he drinks about 4 – 8 beers a day. There, I said it.. That was hard.

        0 like

      • dgthebee dgthebee says

        that is so brave, for you to put that out there. He needs help. Or perhaps if you just start taking care of YOU…pick up a copy of Harville Hendrix’s “Getting the Love You Want”…he talks about “exits”…Your husband is using the beer to exit his own fears and sadness, or even the marriage, it sounds like. But again, I am just an amateur. You sound so defeated…take heart, be brave, there are many men (and women) in trouble like yours…if you still love him, and he still loves you, there is hope…I am sorry it is so hard, life is really too short isn’t it? Take care of you, because it sounds like it would be very tough to try and change him. Hendrix is good about this too…about the need to take care of yourself. The Bee.

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      • Generic Image Myra Anderson says

        Maybe he’s depressed?  Has he seen a Dr and been checked ?  Get a puppy and go for walks, join a dog walking group! Take extra vitamin D!

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      • Sharryc Sharryc says

        Hi, I have been married for 37 years and just within the last 2 months left my husband and moved out on my own.  I did this even tho I am basically living almost at the poverty level at least until out divorce is final.  It was as if I had just hit a brick wall in our relationship.  My husband traveled in his job for our entire marriage (45 or so weeks a year).  I am 65 and my husband is 77 and he just retired at the end of October.  Even before he retired he had become a, shall we say, micro-manager.  For all those years I handled everything about raising our daughter, handled all the bills, did all the shopping, took care of the house, yard and cars.  I love being on the computer and just learning new things or connecting with old friends.  That was basically my only “fun” thing I did for myself.  I also take care of grandchildren quite a lot.  Anyway, all of a sudden he has to know everything I am thinking or doing, why I am on the computer, what am I reading, why am I reading that, don’t go anywhere without me (meaning him).  In additiion to all this, we had not been sexually active in probably 5-6 years.  I got to the point where I could not stand to have him touch me in that way.  For one thing, over all the years, when he came home from out of town it meant we HAD to have sex.  That’s all it was, too, was just sex.  To him cuddling is spelled s-e-x!  There was no real intimacy, no making me feel special or needed, and add to this the fact that for quite a few years early in our marriage, I know for a fact that he cheated on me many times.  He took the traveling salesman thing at face value.  To make a long story short, sometimes being totally financially stable is not the most important thing.  I have been onmeds for depression, and other problems and nothing was getting any better.  Finally I felt it was a matter of saving “myself” whatever happened.  Also, a few months ago, my first boyfriend, from when I was ages 13-16 and knew him before that, found me again on Classmates.com.  He gave me the courage to stand up for myself and do what I needed to do.  We communicate constantly and he just keeps telling me I am special and can do what I need to do to be the person I need/want to be.  I am not ready to stop living and sit at home and watch my husband sleep in frontof the tv, then wake up and immediately demand to know where I am and what I am doing.  I also left because if I had stayed any longer, I would have ended up hating him and becoming a very bitter woman.  I have taken all kinds of flak from family members who think I am losing my marbles, to put it in a nice way.  Some of the same people who told me early on about his cheating insisted I should stay anyway just because we had been together so long.  Well there comes a point where you can’t put everyone else first in your life and you have to take care of yourself!  I am going to a counselor and have been told that it is not my job to make sure everyone else around me is happy before I can be.  She also told me that it is not my job to keep trying to make them understand what I am doing, if I have explained and they cannot or will not understand then it is their problem, not mind.

        Sorry, this just took off like a rambling vine!  Hope you (anyone) can understand what I am trying to say and look at it from another perspective.

        2 like

      • dgthebee dgthebee says

        Sounds like you are truly doing what is best for YOU and life is too short to be in a relationship where the person is hurting you and NOT making you feel good about yourself. It is good you are seeing a caring and supportive counsellor. Why should you live the rest of your life unfulfilled and unhappy? I think marriage is important, but is not the only thing nor is it the most important thing. My husband and I have been having very important and deep talks that bring us closer even if they are very painful. I do not want to leave him, and he does not want to leave me. We are drawing closer as we work out our problems. But that is very different from someone who is “subsisting” within the marriage. It is like you and your husband had what Hendrix called an “invisible divorce”…that is a very hard place to come back from…and it is sad to hear about so many men that think marriage is a dead end road and treat it that way! Very, very sad.

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      • GrammyLiz GrammyLiz says

        As a woman who has been married for 37 years and finds some similarities in our stories, my hat is off to you.  Know that there are others like you who perhaps do not have your courage. 

        My best to you as you embark on this journey to find your new path.  :)

        1 like

      • Sharryc Sharryc says

        Thank you for your comments and support.  One thing that I think actually gave me the courage to do what I did and begin to take care of myself, was the fact that an old boyfriend found me on Classmates.com and started writing.  He was my very first boyfriend when I was 13.  His Dad was our pastor and we were confirmed together.  Went to school together for 5 years before they moved away and were very close.  He was the one person who forever stayed in my heart.  I have no idea if we will hae any kind of future, nor am I in any hurry to jump into any thing.  But I do know that he made me realize that I was worth taking care of and that there was no need for me to give up on life and just sit out the rest of my days.  I am so broke, it isn’t funny,  But you know I am more at peace within myself now than I have been in a very, very long time.  Learning all over again that I can take care of myself and whatever happens will happen.  At least I know that I am doing what I can to make something happen for myself.

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    • Tas Tas says

      Hi Zglinski

      I don’t think weight is an issue…unless he told you. I have many friends that aren’t perfect in weight and they are having sex with their parnters.  Do you feel okay about yourself. I’ve gained weight because of a back injury, then surgery and now recovery.  I don’t feel as sexy because of my own issues.  My man doesn’t even see the extra me…he still wants to make love.  I know that sex changes for men and women as we enter our 50′s and up.  There are so many factors.  If you are accepting him as he is are you getting counseling and or support for your loss?  I’m very sorry to hear that you are sad.  Relationships can be so challenging.  I’m working on myself, my interests, my career and hobbies in order to bring happiness in my life.  If my partner didn’t want sex anymore…truly I’d be very sad.  Sex isn’t everything but it because everything when there’s no sex..Ciao T

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  6. Generic Image Tehsa says

    Sandy,

    I don’t think it is normal, especially for a man to not be interested in sex.  Something is wrong.  I am embarassed to say I was in a marriage with a man who was like that and I thought there was something wrong with me.  I’m nice looking and keep myself at a normal weight so I knew that wasn’t it.  I thought I just liked sex too much and was abnormal.  Then after years of marriage I discovered he was gay.  This was such a shock to me and an embarassment that “how could I have not known” that I lived in denial for awhile.  Then we got divoraced.  I have a girlfriend whose husband of many years all of a sudden started being distant and not wanting sex.  Then she discovered him watching porn and getting excited from it.  She’s still dealing with that.  Another possibility is that men will lose it if the woman they are with is not appealing to them.  It doesn’t seem fair but a woman has to keep her sex appeal and not let herself go.  Some men are not very affectionate but to not want or enjoy one of the greatest pleasures on earth is just not normal.  I hope you find what the problem is.

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    • girlygirl girlygirl says

      I’ve been married for 35 years….almost from day one, sex was not a big deal for my husband. We have tried counseling over the years but I have pretty much given up. He is a great guy in so many ways and works very hard. Yes he has a very stressful job but it goes beyond that. He grew up in a family that was not very affectionate and he just doesn’t feel the need for it that often. I yearn for the intimacy and connection that comes with sex but have pretty much just shut my heart off to it….it’s just too frustrating. I don’t want to leave ….we have a wonderful family and I could never hurt him or them. What choice do I have? He says..this is who he is and he can’t change. I will say that the last couple of years HE has become more emotional and I am the one who has shut down….after years of rejection it is too hard to reach out anymore. We get along very well in all other areas of our lives. I’m just very sad that he doesn’t realize what he is missing. 

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      • Generic Image Tehsa says

        35 years ago was a long time and now you are wiser and know what you want.  I feel for the woman in a relationship like yours who thinks they have no choice.  But from a lifetime of deprivation (read my profile) I’m no longer wanting to live like that.  Even at this age there can be passion, love and sex.  If not with your Husband, then maybe you both were meant for more than one relationship in your lives.  Personally, I’m not willing to give that up.  Getting along is not all there is to a relationship and having a great family will not change.  All I know is for ME, I KNOW, I KNOW it’s out there again and I don’t want to miss out on that mountaintop feeling because there is someone in my life who has grown in a different direction that I possibly feel obligated to.  At some point we learn to think about our own needs and let others live their needs their way.  Sex is more than physical, it’s communication, love, and expression of that.  What choice do you have?  In my opinion it’s your turn and you deserve it.  Stop being a martyr to what doesn’t resonate with you.  I hope you find what you want with your Husband if there is still love between you.  If not, perhaps there is a better life out there for both of you???  Just my opinion.

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      • Evie Evie says

        I agree that having a sex life filled with love, passion, affection, is amazing, just beautiful, BUT having a hardworking, faithful husband, a beautiful home, security, family gathering around,  during the important times…there is A LOT to be said for that and I would think a long time before risking that loss. Too often, not always, the guys that are ‘hot’ in bed can’t keep their eyes/hands off of every woman that passes by. I wish lilyboo could have it all, but not many of us seem to get that. Mostly in the movies…

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      • Generic Image Tehsa says

        I just started this site so don’t know how to use it very well.  I wish I knew how to touch all the wonderful women here who are looking for something better.  I’m not talking about a slut life.  I’m talking about a love life.  No-one our age wants just sex with someone and then it’s over.  Anyone can do that.  I’m talking women who need to reclaim themselves and go for what they (we) really want in life.  35 years without a sex life is long enough! And she doesn’t deserve that!  And if no sex, probably no love life.  What kind of life is that?  What price comfort and security is worth neglecting our own needs?  No one could have had it worse than me when I was married, but it made me want better and that is my quest.  I AM IMPORTANT!  MY NEEDS ARE IMPORTANT, MY LIFE AND MY WANTS ARE IMPORTANT.  AND IF I OR SANDY OR ANYONE ELSE ON HERE WANTS SEX, THEN WE SHOULD HAVE IT!!  Stop neglecting the inner you.  Read the entry above by Sharryc.  She left and is living in poverty, but she is living!   Why is the Husband or partner or man in the relationship the only one to be considered?  Why is his lack of desire or any other excuse they may have to be tolerated. And why on earth doesn’t he WANT to change whatever is holding him back from having sex.  Again, it’s one of the greatest pleasures on earth and is part of sharing and expressing love.   If he decided not to go to work because he was emotionally distant and everyone starved, would that be tolerated?  Too many women are subserviant and it needs to change.  I recommend you do some reading (or audio CD’s) and see I’m not the only one who feels this way.  Read anything by Marianne Willamson.  Read  her Enchanted Love, or Mid-age Miracles (can’t remember the exact title but it’s new), or her awesome book A Return to Love.  Read Travelling Hopefully (recommended by Dr. Phil) by Lilly Gill or some of the love books by men like, He’s not that into you.  Check Dr. Phils site and see what he says. These books will give you a different perspective.  Change your attitude and start including YOURSELF in your life.  And make these men shape up and realize that you matter. If they don’t think so, they can find someone else because you want it all!  And quit thinking security and comfort matter.  I’d give that up in a heartbeat for an awesome love life with a man who also loved me and treated me like he did…wouldn’t you!?  I know so many beautiful, hott, sexy women over the age of 50 that I meet where I go dancing.  You wouldn’t believe these women.  The reason they are like this is because they have learned to put themselves first.  MEN WANT THAT!  THEY WANT A WOMAN WHO CARES ABOUT HERSELF.  So change your attitude, your perspective and put yourself in the picture.  Any for God’s sake, of all things in this life to give up on it should not be love and sex. 

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      • dgthebee dgthebee says

        I agree with you. This man is closed off, I think, and he is afraid and sad about some very old wounds that do not let him open up to his woman. I truly believe that marriage is hard work, and that that hard work is tied up with seeking fulfillment from each other, but also beginning to feel whole within yourself. Feeling safe, valued and connected, these are the 3 key components to health in a marriage, and they are hard to achieve all the time…but what better time than retirement, when work does not take couples away from each other? I think we can have it all…but we have to ask…and we have to express our pain. We have to tell the other person how much it HURTS to be neglected in this and any other way, and this takes a certain type of bravery. Each of us (men and women both) need to be able to take turns in expressing our true feelings and some men (and women) have real difficulty identifying their pain. My husband has only begun to truly express his sadness and hurt and grief to me in the last month or so. He says he told me six months ago how he was feeling when I connected with the old flame, but in truth, he really did not. Now I am able to feel more compassion for him, and him for me. With compassion comes the renewed commitment, and tenderness, and the desire for physical affection. But boy oh boy, it ain’t easy!

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      • Evie Evie says

        Please read my response to Tehsa :) I wish you the best!

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      • dgthebee dgthebee says

        We tried counselling that was not effective several times. Did not get to the heart of the matter. Now that we are with an Imago therapist, I am seeing real changes for both of us and our marriage…it is better than anything we have tried before. I feel we were only scratching the surface before, and that the work we were doing was superficial. The intimacy and connection do not come with sex, they come before sex, they inspire lovemaking…my husband said he believed that neither he nor I could or would change, that “who we are is who we are” but he has learned differently…there is hope, especially since he is willing to attempt counselling with you. I have been married for almost 22 years, and with him for 24, it’s not as long as 35, but it doesn’t matter…when you think of what you both can benefit if you at least try together, even if the sex does not increase in quantity, your personal and intimate connection with your man will improve the quality of your life and your happiness (both of you). The Bee.

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  7. GrammyLiz GrammyLiz says

    After reading all of the wonderfully insightful posts, my surprise remains that no one has mentioned the possibility of a hormonal imbalance your husband might be experiencing.  Yes, ladies, there is much in print these days about us and what happens during menopause, but there is also a great of evidence pointing to male issues in the same area.  I would suggest having your husband’s testosterone and progesterone levels checked, if he is amenable to the idea.  Age as well as stress are known to play a role in the amount in our bodies; not just in women, but in men as well. 

    Might be worth a ‘shot.’

    Good luck.  Sex is so important to all of us; few activities bring us closer to a loved one and I feel your frustration.

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    • Generic Image SandyB says

      GrammyLiz,

      Thank you.  He does take suggestions, and it’s time for his physical.  I’ll suggest it.  Can’t hurt…might even help!  *:)   

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  8. Generic Image linsu says

    Hi everyone,

    I am new to VN  and have similar issues with husband of 27 years. This is one department we never had a problem with until my husband discovered he had hep c. He was treated with a very strong regimen of interferon and ribovarin therapy, then over dosed by the doctor. Since then, (5 years) now, the meds have caused low testosterone levels, low bone density, djd, back surgeries due to weak bones, neck surgery and the man can barely walk now. He also developed Pyronies disease and had to have surgery because his penis bent so bad that he could literally pee in his eye, lol.. Sorry, know not funny, but one has to keep a sense of humor when dealing with all of this stuff.

    We love ach other, I am a woman and feel the “need” every now and again and do not want to just have sex for the sake of sex with soemone else. So, what do ou do when in this situation? I also want to mention, thyroid problems can also cause sexual disfunction, along with diabetes, heart disease, high cholestrol…..

    Happy New Year to all the sexually abandoned women out there.

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  9. dealite2007 dealite2007 says

    I’m so sorry for you.  I understand completely.  It’s not only the lack of sex you experience, but the feeling of rejection. I don’t know which is worse. And, no matter how everyone tells you that “it’s not you” it still destroys you inside. In my experience when my husband wasn’t interested in sex, not taking meds, not under any particular stress, my body hadn’t changed and we had a great sex life in the beginning…although he claimed nothing was wrong and was defensive with the “not this again…when will you stop nagging!” (I see now he was trying to deflect)–I decided to look into his life a little more without him knowing.  Came to find out he was interested in someone else.  Although he hadn’t acted on it as he claimed(he may as well have because his mind and heart was with her.)  I divorced him.  I give the man I love my heart and soul and I deserve that in return; and so do you.  Trust your instincts.

     

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  10. Generic Image baywatchgranny says

    I’m new to VN, I read this and thought it was me. I have been married for 27 yrs, 10 yrs ago he said he was not interested in sex. I was not happy, fought over this, we have even had counseling. It has not worked. In the 27 yrs of marriage, I have had to deal with so called “friendships” of his.  4 yrs ago another friendship came forward and I gave him the chance to either leave or get counseling.   We went to counseling. Still no sex, kissing or hugs in the last 5yrs. I had accepted it as I too was in a position of not working and no money to move.  Things were ok, but then just before the holidays I notice a change. so I started an investigation.  Seems he likes porn and has been on several site,  I got his profile he wrote, he is looking for someone to spend “special” time with. In the last 5 yrs I went back to work, saved my money and I am planning my life without him.  I lean on God and don’t believe that God wants women to stay in a marriage with no love in it. I figure he needs to be single so he can go find that “special” someone.  I’m doing my homework, saving my money and getting my ducks in line… I’ve been to nice and given too many chances for him and from what I see he only loves himself . Guess what I am trying to say, don’t buy into the not interested in sex line…it is hogwash

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  11. Generic Image Gloria B says

    My husband and I have been married for 4 years. We dated for 3 years. In the beginning when we were dating, he was intimate some, but it was still something strange about him, because I had to initiate the marjority of the time. It got to the point whereas he started telling me I was lusting to much for him, and that was a sin. He told me 2 years before we started dating, he fantisized about women. Once I moved in with him, he had pornography video tape all across his closet, but he said he wasn’t looking at them. I started finding pornography on the computer. He still was denying he looked at pornography.  He didn’t have desire to be with me sexually, and now I know why.  He has start to hold back on sex and I asked him why. He said I argue too much and he is stressed out because he hasn’t had a full time job in 5 years. He has just been working part time.  I seperated from him a month ago, and gave him consequences. I told him to get a full time job, go to counseling, get in church for spirtual guidance before  I let him come back home. So far he is looking for a full time job, but he is not going to counseling or church.  He states he want to go to speak with someone that is going thru what he is going thru and find out what type of counseling he need.  He has a intimacy, mood swings, manipulation, spirtual problems. Do looking at pornography cause these problems. He has been looking at pornography since he was in his 20′s. He is now 52 years old. He don’t care for sex and hardly in the mood. He don’t show emotions, not romantic, not supporting me financially or spirtually. Do he need to go to a sex therapist? or what should I do. I do want my marriage to work, but it is a problem with him not wanting to have sex and not showing his emotions how he feel about me. He don’t communicate with me about issues we are having.  What’s your opinion?

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