Hello All,
I am a 34 year woman who is recently engaged to be married. I have never been “In-Love” with my fiance but really appreciate many of his qualities. My issue is that my fiance is an Alpha male and I am not used to being with a man that is as stern and overly opinionated as he is. We constantly debate over small issues which has been very draining. During the course of our year and a half courtship I have been struggling with his strong dominant personality. To make matters worse I started reminiscing on the spark filled relationship that I had with my ex and miss how easy it was for us to communicate with each other. My ex has reached out to me and has apologized for giving up on our relationship and now claims to want to rekindle our relationship. I am confused because I have a deep connection with my ex but have put my life on hold for him and was given false promises in the past. My ex who lives in Atlanta told me for two years that he was moving to be with me in Houston and never did. On top of that, I have found out that he is in a relationship. He claims that his relationship is not working out because she doesn’t compare to me. I want to learn to love my fiance and appreciate the fact that he is loyal, committed, loves me unconditionally yet has some flaws with communicating. I don’t want to call of the wedding thinking that my ex is the one for me and miss out on being with a descent guy who I may learn to love…My biological clock is ticking and I feel as if I need to make some serious decisions…Can someone please give me some insight? Can I learn to love and open my heart to my fiance?
I don't aim for happy because happiness is fleeting. I aim for balance and inner peace. I aim for things that satisfy me and not everyone else. Because when I satisfy me I don't need others for that and I am then able to be a great friend and support
My advice. Really think very hard and long about this upcoming marriage. In my opinion, he sounds like a control freak waiting to over take you completely. If you two debate over the small issues, what will it be like over all of the bigger ones. And, who wins out with these debates? Do you give in just to stop the debate? Do you give in to appease him? Do you give in just because you are tired from debating the issues? Is there any compromising in any of these debates?
As far as you ex is concerned. Let that go. It’s just trouble waiting to happen. The bottom line here is this. If you aren’t happy with your current relationship then it is’t right for you, and your ex wasn’t either. Don’t settle for what isn’t right for you.
HIT THE BRAKES… If you believe you will “learn” to love an Alpha male then you may need to slow down. Possibly extend the engagment for more time to observe and listen to your gut. People don’t change after marriage and that which bothers you now will magnify.
I can only offer from my own experience of marrying an A-type personality and thinking we would learn to compromise to be happy. We weren’t kids, we were 39 years old, no children, first marriage for both…. why couldn’t two adults come to terms and accept each others needs. WRONG!! We are either fighting or not talking at all. Every decision is a debate with a loser and a winner. I gave in so much to make it easier, he never noticed he still did the winner dance.
At the 5 year mark he began to disconnect, we started living seperate lives. He found other women he liked better to hang with. I tried to explain they were emotional affairs, he argued he could have friends that were girls, I argued they were “girlfriends”. His emotional affairs continued for the next 10 years all the while controlling me with emotional abuse. His passive aggressive behavior kept me confused and off balance. I’ve been trying to rebuild my self-esteem and self-worth on my own for the last 2 years.
The other point is your ex. He doesn’t sound too solid either. I also had an ex who I reconnected with on FB. In the beginning my ex made plans for us, were both going to divorce and run away together to spend the rest of our lives loving and happy. Don’t get me wrong he was everything to me, but in the end after 2 years of broken promises and a roller coaster of emotions, he decided to stay where he is “for the sake of his kids and career”. (His kids are all grown up and out of the house and I don’t know what would change as far as his career.) Bottomline he is gone, shunning me, leving me with a pocket full of empty promises and a broken heart to carry while I go through divorcing my husband.
I know the clock is ticking, but in an unhealthy relationship time drags like a prison sentence.
You need to do what is right for you, based on how you feel. I can only suggest to listen to your gut. If something doesn’t feel right, question it. If he can’t or doesn’t want to discuss it, then that is your answer.
Run! Run the opposite way. Things do not improve when you’re married. I know you don’t want to hear this. Learn to love him? No my dear. Your heart is trying to tell you something. Please find someone who is worthy of you. I had my kids at 36 and 38. Please don’t compromise because you want a child. That really mucks up the waters.
As someone whose mother hoped things would get better with my father, I can tell you that’s wishful thinking. Things became worse. He didn’t grow up. He didn’t become a responsible, honest person. I was the eldest child. Two more followed. It was not a happy home.
One of the reasons I chose not to be a parent is because I never met a man who I would have wanted to be the father of my child. I would have wanted the best for my son or daughter. I saw what happened in my home and tried to learn from it. Still made all kinds of mistakes, but at least I didn’t bring a new life into my mistakes.
Never go for a renovation project because what you see is what you get. It’s better to be alone and have peace, to live life in a way that feels right for you, than to be with the wrong person and to feel lonely and unhappy. Be thankful your intuition is telling you this situation isn’t right. I wish I had listened to my intuition more consistently. Fortunately, I now know better.
Just a suggestion, but you might want to ask yourself why you’re so willing to settle. You’re worth more than that, much more. Same for your future children. It’s better to bring a child into a home where the parents are happy with themselves and each other. If you’re really feeling the need to have children in your life, what about volunteering? Maybe as a big sister. There are a lot of kids already on this planet who are hungry for some love and attention.
I did that with my 1st husband. I married a man when I was 23 that I thought I could “learn to love” because I was NOT IN LOVE WITH HIM when I married him. I look back now and I realized that was NOT FAIR to him. I can’t regret it because I had 3 beautiful children with him. By the time was 31, I knew I had made a mistake but I decided I would re-invest myself into my marriage and try to make it work. So at 41, I said, no, I’m still not happy. We divorce when I was 42.
If I had went with my 1st initialy gut that I was NOT IN LOVE WITH HIM and I could “grow to love him” he probably would have met someone who was the right woman for him while we were still in our 20′s. I fooled him and I fooled myself.
Don’t do it. Whatever is happening now in you relationship will not change. I think I would have backed out of the marriage if my mom had still be alive at the time. I didn’t have anyone to talk to say. I don’t really love him and dad had paid all this money for our wedding and reception at the McCormick Place in Chicago. It was very expensive. Thank goodness for forums like this one where you can get the advice of older women with more lifes experience. Go into counseling to address his CONTROL freak mentality b/4 you do this. Maybe a counselor can help you as a couple so you communicate EFFECTIVELY. Once children come along it gets worse if you are not communicating postively and productively now. I speak from what I know, not from what I think. Our kids watched a lot of arguing and verbal abuse between the two of us. Another reason for the divorce. I had to save my daughters. I didn’t want them to grow up and think this is the way a man and woman show they love one another by arguing, verbal assaults.
I am re-married and I am with the love of my life right now. I can finish his sentence and he can mine, communication is so easy and that is the way it is suppose to be.