Okay. I dipped my toe back into the online data pool after a couple of bad experiences. One guy who I met for drinks asked me after we had ordered our second drink…”do you have on panties?” this was after another guy asked me to NOT wear panties if we met. My profile in no way indicates that I would be open to those suggestions on a first date…or anytime after.
So. I took my profile down. I was shellshocked. After a couple of weeks I figured I might try again. There was a guy who I had completely discounted before because he just isn’t handsome. Not ugly, you understand…just not great looking. Well, he emailed me and he is a wonderful writer, out there with his feelings and thoughts, and just an interesting guy.
So…what is the problem? Well…he is liberal and I am more middle of the road. He will not define his spirituality, and I have a deep faith in God. I am white collar…he is not, but he loves what he does. He makes me laugh and he insists that I be authentic and truthful. He refuses to allow me to say anything at all that indicates I have been a failure at relationships. I told him I don’t want anybody to build their universe around me…he says he wants to worship his partner. And I believe this guy. On the surface, we do NOT match. But on the surface my two husbands and I DID. So? What do you think? I need my gals to help me out. And…my family would be completely surprised at this choice. My daughter asked me had I lost my mind…but I reminded her that I always have been supportive of her. So?
I'm boycotting the airlines. The news report that they are making huge profits in the billions from fees. As long as everyone keeps flying, they will keep over-charging.
Good Morning!
Glad to hear back so soon, Flower Bear.
So--the answer to the "curious question" about visiting friends and relatives:
In the General Partnership Agreement we specified the total number of overnights per year that any visitor, wheth
Well now you've really got my interest peaked! Can't wait to read the book. Would love to know what agreement you came to on the subject of family/friends visiting, especially with kids. The little wheel of curiosity in my head is spinning like it ha
It’s just a meet up…I say go for coffee and let us know!
There is truth in the saying that opposites attract. So I would meet with him and see where it goes. If there is any chemistry you’ll be glad to have met him.
Meet for coffee and trust your gut. Nice to see you back. I missed you.
Hi Vicky, first, I’ve dated clowns like the ones you mentioned who make the “panty” and other suggestive sexual comments within the first hour of meeting them. How absurd and obnoxious … where do these men come from? At least their buffoonish, overtly-sexual comments save us from wasting any more time with them, right?
As far as the nice, but not-your-type guy… hmm… I say meet him again, but keep something in mind — as we get older, we become more firm in our convictions and beliefs. When you’re younger and meet someone who appears to be an opposite, it can be fun and thrilling because there’s usually a strong hormonal-surge driving the inception of the relationship. As we get older, yes, physical chemistry and sex are still a part of our lives, but the emphasis to put it in the forefront of a relationship isn’t.
The two things that leaped out at me were the fact that your political and religious beliefs seem to be very different, even if he doesn’t think so. I’m speaking for myself here, but I have very strong faith also and rather strong political beliefs. This is not to say that I’m intolerant or close-minded, I’m not, it’s just that my beliefs seem to color many aspects of my life and ultimately, my behavior. If I were with someone who — down the road, after the dust settled in the relationship — were very different than I, it would, I think, affect my relationship in significant ways. Most people do react and make choices based on their beliefs (or unbeliefs.)
Another “red flag” to me? … he wants to “worship his partner.” Yes, I know, it sounds divine on paper. When I was in my ingenue days I had a few partners who “worshipped” me … the whole nine yards, my every move, the constant gifts, jewelry, the “what is it that I need to make my world wonderful today I love you so much Caramia” type of things. Now I understand that “worshipping” a partner probably transforms into something more genuine as we mature, but I always feel a little apprehensive about the subject. I think the best relationships are borne from people both wanting to equally “adore” each other. (Maybe it’s semantics, but a mutual adoration is so much more comfortable and palatable to me.)
Obviously, I’m only giving a personal opinion here but something jumped out at me from your post about this guy … I’m sensing red flags. Not “red flags” in the sense of danger or harm, but just a uneasy “hmm… maybe he’s trying to play this a little too close or rehearsed” type of red flag.
Also – and I’m sure many women will disagree with me on this – I do think “white collar vs blue collar” has a greater impact as we get older. Not necessarily in a financial sense, but again, in the way we “see the bigger picture.”
I like the fact that he wants to uplift you, encouraging you not to berate yourself for failed relationships. That’s a nice positive and a great trait. All in all, I think the differences in your spiritual/religious convictions (or lack of) and political leanings (you state you are middle of the road, he liberal) may impact the way you communicate down the road. Just my two-cents.
Meet him again for coffee. Use your intuition, give it a tune-up and oil-change. It won’t fail you. See what happens. And, don’t forget to report back to us! Good luck.
Great posts…and great advice. I will keep you all posted. Thank you!
Glad I read this post. I’m just gettng into the dating world after my 2nd divorce… I had a date with a gentleman I met at dance class. Such an interesting and handsome guy. Same thing as you Vicky, my spirtual life is and background is so different than his…. so glad to hear the responses you got. I’m going to see him again and see where it leads for now.
Well…really nice guy, but he really wants way more than I do at this point, and he wants it fast. I could feel the life being sucked right out of me. All my struggles to keep my sense of self, to not fall into the same ways I always have…I could see the same thing happening. He wants to be a priority and that’s not too much to ask, I know…but it’s more than I am willing to give right now. And the faith thing is just asking for trouble. It’s not that he is just an atheist…he is militantly so. I am super close to my family, and when you get me you get them. And I can’t imagine my family accepting someone so different. Shame. He was cute.
Vicky, I think your intuition is spot on. For me, the biggest “red flag” here more so than the significant religious difference? … you said “he wants way more than I do, and he WANTS IT FAST.” My question — what’s the rush? What void is he trying to fill, other than meeting a really, wonderful compatible partner? Why so fast?
When I was in my youthful days, I used to become so flattered when a guy went overboard with me in the beginning of a relationship… the dozens of roses, the weekend trips to the Bahamas right after we began dating, etc. I thought “oh how fantastic” and got caught up in the whirlwind. What I didn’t realize – at least in my own personal situation here – is that 90% of the time these men were puffing themselves up, it had really less to do about me and more to do about them. I could have been inter-changeable. (Unfortunately I went through a period of dating charming womanizers when I was younger.)
As a rule, whenever someone applies pressure so early on in a relationship, before feelings have the chance to really cement and bond, before you even know whether or not you’re truly compatible for the long haul, it’s a huge red flag. A few years ago, (while I was way over my ingenue roses days haha) I did meet a widower who I was interested in dating, casually at first. He really started to put the wheels in motion much sooner than I wanted … “let’s spend all our time together, where are you, where are you going after work, so do you see yourself getting married again? … yada yada yada. He was a nice enough guy, but was desperately lonely and very much wanted to get married so not to live alone. Nothing terrible wrong with that, but it clouded his objectivity. The bottom line – it could have been any woman that he liked. His objective was to be married and not alone.
Also, I think you’re very smart to quickly identify that you could foresee a potential “struggle to keep your sense of self, and not to fall into the same ways…” Kudos. I think as women we’ve come too far and learned too much to go backward.
The right guy is out there. He’ll be just as cute and more aligned with you.
Here’s what a man told me, “If they’ll jump right in they’ll jump right out.” Always trust your gut.
Go out, have fun, do things you both enjoy. Be friends first. That is what life is all about. Get to know each other. White collar/blue collar. Who cares at this stage of our lives? I have had fun with both types and believe me, the blue collar guy was a lot more fun and carefree. Let us know what happens.
Okay…tried again. We may not be so very different when you get the definitions out of the way and when I just explained what I was and wasn’t ready for.
Hi Vicky
Great post! A suggestion for you to consider doing is Date to Date not to Mate. When the emphasis comes off of long term potential vrs just having fun-dating gets a lot easier.
You will find men can be speedier when it comes to relationships. Why? Because they know right away when they see what they want in a woman and they want the emotional connection they can only get from a female in their life. This is why many men remarry so quickly after a relationship ends. They can’t get this from their male friends-only from a woman. They miss it and want it again.
I understand your concerns about your differences. I am in a wonderful relationship with a man who is pretty much on the right side of politics whereas I’m in the middle/liberal and our religions are very different but it’s one of the best relationships of my life because I love how very much he loves me and how I feel around him. It’s wonderful.
But in the beginning, it was very uncomfortable and hard to get used to. I’m glad I stuck with it because it is such a great relationship but had I listened to my over analytical mind and fears, I’d have missed something great. He’s a wonderful Quality Man who treats me well and I don’t mean presents-I mean he’s supportive, he’d do anything for me, he’s got my back, he makes me feel so feminine, he loves and adores me and so much more.
See if you can just have fun dating this man and if you can, allow yourself to see where it might go. At the same time, stay online and keep dating other men until you see someone you’d like to be in a total relationship with. Even though he wants more, you’re control is what you want. Try dating to date and see how it takes the burden off of making “is he the one” decisions so quickly.
Keep us posted
Hi Vicky – I see the dating saga is still going strong. Love it, and you. BUT it’s time for you to chill. You’ve just got to do the date-for-date-not-for-mate thing. (Such good advice, Lisa!) You’ll be much happier, less stressed, and you’ll find the right guy because you won’t actually be looking for him!
Sorry, I have to say that I’m cautious about guys who want to push too hard too fast.
I knew my current (third) husband was ready to marry me after a few dates… maybe even on the first date, but I knew he was financially stable. I worry more about the white collar/blue collar thing more than the difference in religion… although it is a bit obnoxious for the guy to be militantly atheistic when he knows your views. I think a “normal” guy would just let it ride.
It doesn’t matter to me if you date him, but go slowly. And, because you come from different backgrounds, check out his finances before falling for him. Money isn’t everything, but it’s important to make sure a guy isn’t pushing pushing pushing because he’s dead broke or has a terrible credit rating…and you have a home of your own.
Christina, you bring up a very valid point, one that is often in the back of my mind when dating … whether a guy is “pushing pushing pushing” because it would serve him, financially. It’s funny, when couples are younger (20′s 30′s) it’s usually the woman partner who is trying to push things down the aisle, the biological clock is ticking, etc.
When people are in their 50′s and independent, it’s hard (for me, at least) to understand what a “rush” in a relationship is about. By this time, most are either settled in a marriage or divorced/single, have grown children, are established/working in careers, and generally independent. The relationship has the luxury of developing at a leisurely and comfortable pace, allowing the couple to enjoy each other along the way. Sexual monogamy, can of course, set in early in the relationship, making the dating process more enjoyable.
I’ve witnessed (not experience personally) a few guys giving friends the “bum’s rush” so to speak… “let’s get married” a month or two after meeting, or more common, “let’s move in together” almost right away, and the moving in was always into her home/apt. It’s just as advantageous for a man who may have terrible credit or no financial assets (at this age) to move in with a partner as it is a woman.