Is there such a thing as Dating Etiquette? Are manners a thing of the past? After a 1st meeting should you call or email to say thank you for the date if you enjoyed meeting them or let them know that although they are nice you don’t think you are a “match”?
To me I would like to know to cross them off if they are not interested rather than wondering if they are absent minded or got run over by a truck on the way home! It is much easier to let someone down easy by email than by phone.
Should you reply to “WINKS” or contacts that you know aren’t a “Match”? I do, I think it is the courteous thing to do if someone has contacted you.
Let me know what you think…
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My parents divorced when I was ten and I always felt like my lack of self esteem most have something to do with my Dad's absence but then one day when I was in my firths my mother said or did something that made me realize she was emotionally abusive
Holy crap! What a sad story. Congrats on overcoming that hurdle. Wow.
How I would handle it. FIrst, I would get into therapy; that could go a long way to helping you and your difficulties.
Second (boundaries are necessary in life)..when your kids call for advice, I would FIRST ask them what their thoughts are an
HHHHmmmm. Good manners are always in style. But a sincere thank you at the end of the date is really all that is required. Anymore than that may be misinterpreted as “stalking”.
Let him take the lead: if he asks if you’d like to do it again, either say “Yes Id like that” or “I enjoyed meeting you, but I dont think we are a match in a romantic sense. I hope you have better luck with your next date. You deserve that”
As far as those “Winks” on Match.com. Thank god they didn’t have those back when I was doing it. How annoying and passive/aggressive is that? We are over 50. Let’s be adults and straightforward, shall we? “Thank you, I enjoyed meeting you. ” If he wants to see you again………..he’ll be in touch. Or he’ll ask you straight up if you want to see him again, be honest either way. And kind.
And forward we go. Isn’t that enough?
DL, Yes, we are over 50 and grown women, straight forward indeed and always with tact…TRACK
He is looking for a “match,” too, so it’s no favor to lead him on with winks or flattery if we’re not interested. I like your suggestion to say either “Yes I’d like that” or “I enjoyed meeting you, but I don’t think we are a match….”
I don’t know if it’s necessary to let the man take the lead entirely, though. Can’t we say, “I’ve really enjoyed talking with you and I hope we do it again.” If he mumbles something vague or unenthusiastic, well then, there’s your answer and there’s no need to check your email every five minutes.
Agreed in general. Probably depends on what type of man you are looking for and wha type of relationship. Nothing wrong at all with putting your openness out there–once. If he doesnt go anywhere with that bait, well Id definitely reel in my line, and go on to find another fishing hole.
Why the heck did I just use a fishing analogy? Gee how cheesy. Paint me orange and call me Velveeta. I need more coffee this am before I post again…………….
Great answer Joan.
As far as winks go, I only responded to a wink if the person actually looked at my profile. I would often get winks from individuals that lived across the country from we where I clearly stated in my profile that I was only interested in people within 25 miles.
How many times have you read a profile, really thought about how to open a dialogue, wrote a nice, brief but sincere email, only to have read-deleted (or worse, unread-deleted) as your response? A wink invites the other party to respond with a reasonable assurance that won’t happen.
I like to suggest an afternoon coffee date and thank them for picking up the tab. Men like the feeling of treating you, it puts a good spin on the start without a big expense. If you stay for a second cup, I’ll offer to get this round.
I agree Kalli. Here is an interesting survey you all my want to read
http://blog.meetcha.com/2010/09/13/get-back-out-there-dating-sex-and-romance-survey-results/
When is comes to dating at our age (50 and over) please, please don’t “wait” for him to call. After the first date is over, be it an afternoon coffee date, or a dinner date, be honest and say what you feel. If you don’t think its going to go anywhere, tell him in a nice way and he should do the same. But say it with respect, leaving the other person’s dignity intact. “Waiting” for a phone call, letting him “take the lead” is just not good for any woman. At our age, we should know where we stand and have the courtesy to let him know where he stands.
Great discussion! Our members agree that chivalry is not dead, and that manners are still important. Take a look at our Dating, Sex, and Romance survey to see what other singles over 40 think. Thanks for the post!
http://blog.meetcha.com/2010/09/13/get-back-out-there-dating-sex-and-romance-survey-results/
Yikes, dating is too hard. When this relationship ends, that’s it. It sounds like an auction.
This strikes me as rather funny. I had a date the other night with a man that I had known when we were young but had not met in adult life. We connected on one of the sites and as some people do, he had put a much younger better looking pic up of him. We agreed to meet at at an ice cream store and spent about 30 minutes together. I had a soda and he had ice cream. We agreed to meet again but things came up and it had to be postponed once by him and once by me. We did finally meet again for about another 45 minutes, went for a short ride and stopped and talked and did a little kissing and hugging. It was night time and we were both from the area so we knew the old hang out when we were kids. Well, this where it starts to get funny but not really funny. It was just something that we as older adults may want to watch out for. This man must have just gotten new dentures and as he was kissing me his teeth were very sharp and was hurting my lips, LOL, so I of course, just naturally backed off gracefully. He had told how active he was and how romantic he was and etc. I started to talk a little about what I liked to do on a date. We agreed to meet again the next day so he dropped me off at my house. Another of out this world funny was the next day he emailed me the next day and said he didn’t think we would make a good match and he also said this was IRREVOCABLE. Now what did he think anyone would want to do? Try to talk him out of it. Anyway, I emailed him back and told him that I thought if we had kept the date for the day that it would be our last because I didn’t think we would make a good match either. Just thought I might share the laugh with you of what we are looking forward to out there. I just nevr thought about running into the problem of sharp dentures. Oh well, anyone want to suggest a way to let them know about a problem like that? Have a great day and I hope the rest share what they are finding that is unusual or funny. LOL
haha he probably dumped you because he thought YOU weren’t a good kisser! Sometimes it doesn’t help to spare someone’s feelings …
I didn’t know how to tell him his teeth were cutting my mouth and he kissed with his mouth wide open. I thought he had dentures when I tlaked to him on the phone he kind of would make tht sssssing sound. He probably did think I wasn’t a good kisser but I just didn’t want to hurt his feelings. Oh well it wasn’t meant to be. Have you heard of http://www.plentyoffishh.com I was told about it by a couple in their 50′s that met and got married from that site. Really nice couple. They bought one of my motorcycles and I sold them some antiques furniture they really liked. I am registered on that site now. It seems like a lot of nice people on there. Just in case anyone wants to check it out.
I have used PlentyofFish.com, you can determine the “Type” of date i.e. Companion (Dutch”, Casual (be careful on this one -can mean many things!) relationship, or marriage. I have met some nice men on this site. Markus the originator of the site is launching a new site evows.com for those looking for marriage. He will charge for this site but is offering free subscriptions to build up clientele to current POF members for a short period of time.
Angel, that was hilarious !!!! I probably would have commented on what “sparkling” teeth he had for a man his age BUT there was something sharp that hurt when you kissed. It would have been a kindness. As to the “irrevocable” I comment think you handled it well, if not tongue in cheek. (yes pun intended) He wouldn’t have known why you backed off in the kissing… I will have to remember this one…
I really didn’t know how I was going to handle this when it came up but since he was the one who said he didn’t think it would work I really appreciated it because then I would have had to think of something else to do. I have had cosmetic surgery to color my lips and sure didn’t want them ripped off. LOL
I love to see humor in everything and then share it when it is appropriate.
Sandy, I’m not sure if there are any hard & fast dating etiquette rules in this instant, electronic age of dating. I’ve seen no consistency at all in how people handle things during the 12+ yrs I’ve been single again.
I do not think good manners are ever out of style, but on the other hand, it can be very uncomfortable telling someone that you don’t want to meet them, or don’t think you’re a match, etc. If I have a first date with someone & liked them & enjoyed their company & would like to see them again – I wouldn’t hesitate to tell them so at the end of the date, then to follow-up with a short email. I probably wouldn’t call him though. (This provided I got good “vibes” from him.) However, if I get no positive feedback from him during the date or afterward, it’s pretty easy to figure out that they just weren’t interested, and I’m not going to pursue them.
As far as the “winks” – those are normally sent when someone sees the profile of another person that they are interested in. They seem to me to be a way to break the ice, in hopes the other person will take the first step for actually communicating. If someone sends me a wink & I think I’m interested, I’ll wink back – but then it’s up to them from there. I’m still a bit old-fashioned & like to be pursued – not the pursuer – at the beginning of a relationship. If I don’t see anything in their profile that attracts me, I don’t feel obligated to respond in any way to a wink. If they send an actual message, then it would be appropriate to reply in some form.
I too am old fashioned and like being pursued. I also procceed as you do.
Hello Ladies
Thanks so much for starting this discussion and I would like to add my two cents as well. I agree that manners are never out of style and they only show you have class and are considerate for other’s feelings. I just started putting my profile on the dating websites.
Started with Match.com and have run into seven (7) scam artists that seem to assume that I am desparate enough to part with my hard earned cash. They all have the same story – mostly widowers with children who supposedly live in the US. However, they all end up in a foreign country either on business or vacation and a crisis occurs whereby they need help with money. The first guy said his 7 year old daughter needed emergency surgery and they would not accept his insurance or credit cards. Since then I have heard 6 more variations on the same theme. I’m so tired of wasting my time with these guys chatting for hours online or the phone thinking a friendship or more is developing. Just had to share these experiences with you all. Please look up Nigerian scams online and you can learn more on the topic and popular scam.
Sorry I have gotten off track.. whenever I received any type of messeage, wink, smile etc. I always send a short message back. I just think if they were nice enough to reach out to me, the least I can do is aknowledge it. I even have standard messages for those I am definitely not interested in or who live too far away. I also take the chance by contacting men I am interested. But I always end that message with: “I will look forward to hearing from you soon. If not….then I wish you all the luck in the world in finding your very special lady.”
I hope this helps someone on here. Ladies be cautious but don’t forget to have fun.
Lynn, I too have received a few of those type messages – although none of them ever escalated to the point they were asking me for money. I guess I was suspicious enough early in the conversations to cut things off before it happened. (And did you notice that they always have very attractive pictures of themselves too.)
You are bolder than I am – I have very rarely taken the step to contact anyone. I have a friend that contacts men that catch her eye & obviously, she has better results than I do. Ha! What I have started doing on Plenty of Fish that is kind of taking the first move without actually contacting them directly is that I make them one of my favorites. Hopefully that will get them to look at my profile & maybe contact me. Has worked once so far. : )
Lynn, You’re on track…TRACK
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I had scammers like that on senipr people meet when I first got on and I started noticing many of the men had almost the same profile. When you run background just what you can get free on the computer you learn they aren’t even real or can’t really trace them anywhere. One man asked me for $3500.00 after about 3 weeks. Low life scum bags are everywhere. Just to think it could even it our next door neighbor, just imagine, we don’t know where they live. What a way to make money! Hope the women are smart enough not to gie it to them.
I had a scammer on plenty of fish recently; supposedly an attorney from Victoria who didn’t realize the community I live in was not a suburb of Victoria. After about a week of instant messaging he needed me to pick up something legal for him (and pay for it) but to order it he needed my mailing address. I asked him why he didn’t use his mailing address and he said it didn’t matter. So I said “great – use yours.” Haven’t heard from him since. Red flags: quick to identify ‘astonishing’ compatabilities, quick to use endearing language (honey, sweetie, baby), quick to suggest something magical/intangible bodes well for a future together – all point to he’s in a hurry for a reason.
Another red flag for me on profiles is ‘Please – no games” (often CAPITALIZED AND EMPHASIZED!!!) Translation: I want to run my game, and I don’t want your game interfering with it.
LADIES, I hope you REPORT these guys to which ever Dating service you are using. They want to KNOW. I have found the most weirdos/scammers have Y_ho_ email addresses. Their scenerio is Los Angeles based, widower with 13 yo son whose picture is on site, currently on business in So. Africa. I reported them to site and they were removed. I hestitate to respond to Y_ho_ subsribers now.
There is a good free site to check people Spokeo.com but it doesn’t do criminal background checks. You should go to site to see what it says about you. You can OPT OUT to have your personal info listed, same for MSN & Google for home address and phone #. I create a web address that I use only for online dating. Also you may want to change your phone setting so your last name does not show on Caller ID.
Spokeo.com seems limited to americans and a lot of scammers are out of the country. I checked myself out and nothing came up; I’m not american,
I am going to try it and see what i come up with plus how do youdo this with the phone Caller ID.
On cells you can change what comes up on caller id Mine says Sandy Heart instead of my real last night. ( I use Heart for business). On emails you can set it up to only show your 1st name. On my land line I can have “private caller” show up on caller ID. Hope this helps.
I just came from Spokeo and yes it does give a lot of info about myself on there. I live in OK and told what street not the # and things about my house and etc.. I also looked up a lot of my family members and the same type of info came up. Now I need to know how to get it off the site. I don’t want to pay for the membership but it may be worth it since we know what we can find out about others on there. Good luck. Just try again and go to http://www.spokeo.com We single women need to be cautious of what is out there about us and how much of it is true as well. thee was one thing that came up that i didn’t check into. don’t know what it was, something about a blog or ??????…
On Spokeo under “Help” at bottom of screen:
To remove your Name/Phone/Email Listing(s):
1. Locate the listing to remove (for name listings, please select the state, city, then exact profile match)
2. Copy the URL (the URL can be found on the top of your browser and should look something like “http://www.spokeo.com/search?q=Smith%20Sample#Sample:1219812367&Prime
3. Go to http://www.spokeo.com/privacy
4. Paste the URL
5. Provide your email address (this acts as a verification process for the confirmation to be sent to your Inbox) and Captcha Code (Image Verification Code)
6. Check you Inbox for the confirmation email, and click on the link on the bottom to complete the removal process.
7. The directory listing will become flagged and will be removed within 1 business day.
Are you Canadian? I’ll check to see if I can find one for Canada.
yes, canadian. It would be helpful to have a tool like that, but as another poster stated, I’m not sure how much personal information I’d want to have on there either.
Thank you so for the info. I checked myself out onthere as well as many of my family membersand it came up and gave more info that people need. Some or maybe all of it may have come from the document that are known to the public but I am not experienced about doing that either. Now I need to know how to take myself off the site. Any help on this. Thanks again.