I’m happy in my marriage except for the sex. I love my husband but after 28 years of marriage, but I’m just not attracted to him sexually any more, and he seems to have given up. I’m thinking of taking a friend up on his offer to “help me out” but I wonder if the French are right in their attitudes. Is it really possible to sustain a happy marriage while having an affair?
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Holy crap! What a sad story. Congrats on overcoming that hurdle. Wow.
How I would handle it. FIrst, I would get into therapy; that could go a long way to helping you and your difficulties.
Second (boundaries are necessary in life)..when your kids call for advice, I would FIRST ask them what their thoughts are an
Go for it ! Get out there and do something you love !
Use the internet. Here is a site I found.
http://www.bnbfinder.com/positionsAvailable.php
Most B&B are seasonal and offer housing, so you will get a chance to see if you like it. Wi
I fear that our US society doesn’t agree with the French, Japanese or any of the other cultures that turn their heads the other way while married folk have affairs. The most recent scandal that occurred with the Republican Senator should prove this to you…it just isn’t accepted as easily as the movies and media wants us to think. The only way that I can see that this would work is IF your husband agreed to your doing this…some partners will if they are open enough…but I haven’t met a man yet that easily shares his woman with another man without a fight…for her or the relationship. I have a forum filled with men who are heartbroken over the fact that their wives are having affairs…leaving the marriage, children behind because they are not happy in the bedroom.
My question to you would be: Why aren’t you attracted to him sexually anymore? What has he exactly given up on…having sex, you, the marriage…trying to make you happy?
Please feel free to check out my forum: WomeninMLC@lefora.com.
As a close friend to a french man whose wife had an affair, i can say that not all the French take it too well, especially the men. However, I also know what it feels like to feel untouched and loved by someone you are living with, The longing and frustration is nearly unbearable.
You chances of a happy outcome, having an affair in US, are Not Good. I liked the suggestion of Hautblossom–wasn’t that encouraging to you? I thought so. To see if there’s any chance for sex with your husband. Don’t overlook the possibility that medications like high blood pressure meds or diet and exercise changes are affecting his libido.
Try doing something different but mild, like asking him to wash your back while you are in the bathtub and ask him if he thinks it feels a little sexy? nothing more. See if he might be willing to massage your feet with lotion.
These intimacies create some bonds between you that are not threantening.. or too pushy. Look for ways to engage in him small intimate physical acts. take it very slow. And in spite of advice on communication being key to all–i feel men are terrible with trying to say how or why they feel a certain way.. and the very act of trying to talk to them on it gets their back up. Look for ways to communicate through touch… like rubbing his chest very gently when he is sleeping. Only you know him, think of your own ideas along this line..what would comfort, please, excite him that isn’t overtly sexual?
Maybe over time you will be attracted to him again. Also is he getting too heavy? well that can do it! maybe consider going bike riding together regularly.. or walking to dog at a brisk pace several times a week. see if maybe join exercise you both like can help.
Hugs and much much sympathy to you.
Raffi
My first husband cheated on me many times – so I returned the favor once – and that act hurt me more than it hurt him. I was disgusted with myself, even though I knew the marriage was likely over in any case. It was an awful way to learn that I’m not the kind of person who can do that and live with myself.
There are many reasons we choose to marry, but often the reasons to remain married change as the marriage itself changes. Sex is just one component of marriage, important, but not worth losing everything else over. I’ve always found – in or outside marriage – that if I’m bored or lose interest it’s because of the way I’m looking at the issue. We can’t change others, we can only change ourselves. The first step toward change is asking yourself what kind of person you are, and what kind of person do you want to be? Do you want to be a person who risks losing your husband’s long standing love for a few minutes of stolen pleasure? Or do you want to be the kind of person who faces the problem together with your husband – perhaps get sexual counselling – and know you’ve given him, and yourself, every chance to right the ship? Your power is in your choice, and your future lives and dies by the reality you create.
Any time you invlove another person in your pain or marriage problems you are opening a pandora’s box.Pain, discuss,happiness and fear can be inside; therefore, we should be very careful.
Heather, I gather that this marriage ended in divorce anyway. One of the biggest problems when a man is a compulsive cheater is, despite counselling, the ability of the wife to forget what he has done to her. Oh! yes, you may say that you forgive him but, down deep inside, do you ever really forget to the point where everytime he’s 5 minutes late you’re wonderig if he’s at it again. How do you ever manage to right a ship with a broken rudder?
Stop being so hard on yourself for your one & only act of indescretion. You are the one here with all the morals & scruples, & it’s obvious that you took your marriage vows very seriously as opposed to him. He was the one who created a reality by his choices that robbed you of everything that it means to be a wife. It was his choice, not yours. You overreacted but in doing so learned a very valuable truth about yourself &, I trust, it has made you a better person in the long run. Forgive yourself, forget the past, & move on.
Move on? Heavens, I’ve been married to my second husband, the love of my life, for almost 25 years. I have definitely moved on!
I read your post the same way Daphne did – it feels like you were terribly affected by your choice to have an affair, and so would many women be, I would say, especially at a young age. I didn’t get that you were speaking of an event in the far, distant past.
I can’t agree with you that “straying” outside a dead relationship is wrong for eveyrone, nor that we should judge ourselves by single events, other than to judge ourselves as flawed humans.
“Do you want to be a person who risks losing your husband’s long standing love for a few minutes of stolen pleasure?”
No, it’s unlikely that I’d want to risk a good relationship that’s having a problem by sleeping with someone else. On tyhe other hand, I doubt I’d condemn myself for having sex outside a toxi relationship.
I’m probably not getting your point, and I care because it sounds as though you are deeply vested in the ideas and it’s important to you to convey something. Can you say it a little differently?
I think women of our maturity pretty much get that you reap what you sew – and we also get that we no longer need to negotiate our personal truths – we can make choices based on what we believe and not all women believe the same things or hold the same values – and that’s ok, isn’t it?
mkp
http://www.womendaybyday.com
Responding to the original question:
Sex is a great pleasure of life and a dangerous thing to fool with. I don’t think a good or healthy marriage can continue while one person is indulging in extracurricular sex — just because most people, the vast majority, aren’t wired that way. We feel jealous, rejected, and unvalued if even a casual boyfriend makes us aware that he is not exclusive. Hell, we can even demonstrate jealousy if our BFF has another BFF – right? I mean it happens.
Affairs take tons of energy. Maybe a trip to a trusted doctor, with your husband, to rule out organic, emotional or other issues is a better place to put that energy. Follow that with some research into how mature sex can be perked up. Check into the new prescriptions that address sexual dysfunction. All the energy you’d pour into cultivating a new sex partner, would go a long way toward repairing what’s been valuable for so many years, if, indeed it has been.
On the other hand, if all is not what it seems in your established relationship and you don’t want to invest more into it – personal counseling might be the key so you can find out what you really want.
Or you might just want to explore the passion, excitement and danger of illicit sex and indulge in knowing another man, or woman, finds you irresistable. If that’s it, own that idea. And beware the possible consequences.
I know that this is a tough one, and I sympathize. I’ve been through some similar thoughts. I love my husband and I’m happily married, but until 3 weeks ago, we hadn’t had sex in over 4 years. I thought a lot about finding sex somewhere else. But as I talked it through with my counselor (over many sessions), I came to realize that in the end, I would be dishonoring myself to betray my husband in that way. It’s not a matter of what is objectively “right”; it’s a matter of how I was raised, and what my core beliefs about honor are.
I think people sometimes underestimate the importance of sex as part of marriage. It’s not really fair to characterize it as “just sex.” It’s a precious expression of intimacy. It’s a place where you expose yourself to another person absolutely, and trust that you will be loved and supported in your nakedness (emotional even more than physical). And, as important, it’s a place where you accept and cherish and love your husband’s nakedness. That intimacy and mutual trust is a treasure, and it spills over into the rest of your marriage.
As I said, my husband and I just started having sex again after 4 years. Reawakening to each other sexually has been a tentative and delicate process, but the positive effects on our marriage have been wonderful and immediate. I recommend a book called “Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships
,” by David Schnarch. It presents s a different approach to sex than the one we typically hear.
Best of luck in this dilemma.
HB
I loved this reply you gave and I totally am there with you. I too have been struggling with intimacy in my marrage ever since I had my hysterectomy. My husband has been very patient but I feel like we have lost something. I thank you for sharing the part about how important intimacy is in a marriage. I need to work harder at this for my husband and I. I will for sure get the book you recommended. Thanks again for your honesty.
A marriage is more than sex – sex is just one part… do you still love your husband? do you have fun together? common interests? Are you willing to throw all of that away just for sex?
But to the point of your question – regardless of what other cultures are doing: could you live with the guilt?
My beliefs are that marriage is between one man and one woman till death do us part (I’ve been happily married for 35 years thank you). “stepping out” on my husband, whether for sex or for friendly socialization or emotional bonding, would be cheating. Period. Can you live with yourself while you cheat?
Please discuss the situation with a trusted counselor (why are you discussing it with this “friend” who has offered to “help you out”?). As Amy said, What is is about him that is no longer attractive? think about what attracted you at the beginning – make a list, think of events and places.
i agree totally
To most of you women respondents here it goes the perspective of a man. There is much more than sex to a marriage. Actually sex is related to marriage as much as eating is. Can you cook for your beloved and have a romantic dinner? Can you cook for a friend and have a fun dinner? Being sexually atected to a sexually atractive person does not have anything to do with love. The first time my wife had sex she did it for fun not for love. She was a junior in high school an just wanted to explore her sexuality with her friend. Some times spouses are not in the mood for sex due to inconformities with one another. But the pressure relief associated with sex is still needed. So what is wrong with having your friend release the pressure valve for you?
After having had such an experience myself, I say bull….Having sex with a friend for a “pressure release is very dangerous. “Pressure release” is something we are capable of handling on our own….thank you very much! The friend has only one thing on his mind and it is not your well being. You are vulnerable and an easy target. He may not even realize what he is doing….he may be delusional enough to believe that he is helping. Open your eyes and say no Thanks to casual sexual encounters with “friends”. Unless of course, you are ready to give up on your marriage.
My moral beliefs, my convictions, faith, and spirituality all lead me to the fact that my marriage vows were sacred. Faithfulness is only right in marriage. Yet, familiarity breeds contempt, even the so-called “beautiful people” like Jennifer Aniston & Brad Pitt apparently grew tired of each other. Why don’t you and hubby seek a way to bring back that old spice into your intimate hours? You both need reminders of why you were attracted & fell in love with each other in the first place. I would suggest seeking a marrriage encounter-type program. Sex with a friend… wow, that will end that friendship for certain. Sex and love are closely related, you could fall in love with him or he with you… why risk misery which is inevitable?
If you have an affair, your marriage and sex life will probably remain stagnant. Once your trysts are over, you have to return home to your husband. So what have you accomplished besides a few stolen minutes (or hours) in another person’s arms? Will you get your husband’s attention? Will he “see the light”? Can you remain emotionally unattached to your lover without threatening your marriage (if that’s what you want)? You will open a Pandora’s box if you step outside your marriage. And there’s no going back or do-overs. My advice? Ask your husband to go to marriage counseling with you. If he refuses, go alone. Counseling can help you to truthfully face yourself and your feelings, your husband and his feelings, and your marriage and get answers. Then take the next step whether it is to stay married (hopefully, happily) separation, divorce, or have an affair. Please give this much thought.