At 57, where do I start, when it comes to dating? Most Liked Hot Conversation

For the past 10 years, I was in a relationship with a very emotionally unavailable man.  It’s been over 2 months, since I left him.  (I posted about it)  I’ve been seeing a therapist and feeling better.  I just don’t even know where to begin, when it comes to dating.  It wasn’t easy for me, in my 20′s, and it seems even harder now.  Help??

Sue

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Posted in love & sex.

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52 Responses

  1. Vicky1956 Vicky1956 says

    I can’t advise you on that since I am not dating yet. But I would encourage you to take your time, grieve the loss of the relationship (even if it was bad), and just be really good to yourself. It will be time well spent. I’ll be interested to read the advice of people who have successfully found new relationships. Good luck…glad you’re doing better!

    5 like

    • sunnysue sunnysue says

      I agree, Vicky.  I am not in any big hurry.  I have it on my “to try” list for the coming year.  Thanks!!!

      2 like

  2. joyful53 joyful53 says

    Being a few years ahead of both of you all I can say is … it is hard for everyone.  I hope that is a bit of comfort.  I had some disastrous dates that I can laugh about now.
     
    The first question I had is where do I meet someone?  I went out dancing at bars a lot which was fun but of course the majority of the people there were, well, people who hung out in bars. Ok for the ego (some nights) but not really good for a real relationship. I tried a little online dating but not long enough for it to really work (I left the country) I do have a good friend who married a man she met online – he was the first one and the right one.
     
    I met my new man, my now husbandish, following some old advice – get out into the world and do what you like to do. We met on a tour of the terra cotta warriors in China.  He was my best souvenir. As easy and natural  as the meeting was the first date  when we were back in Beijing were we were living was confusing.  I wasn’t even sure it was a date or just two people far from home having dinner.  I remember saying to him that I was so clueless about dating that I didn’t even know how grown ups met.  He tried dropping the hint “Well maybe on trips to Xian” and I still didn’t get it.  It was only after we managed to shake the pushy rickshaw driver and he kissed me under the weeping willows that I realized that this was a date!  (Yes, it was terribly romantic).
     
    And getting into bed….ugh. I have scars up and down my belly from two c-sections and my ex hadn’t done a lot for my body image.  I struggle with my weight and he wears the same size jeans he did in college.  It felt strange (though exhilarating).  I had forgotten how long it took my husband and I to find our rhythm. I am happy to say that my guy and I have developed our own way of being together.
     
    Bottom line – you are not alone.  Dive in and do it, online, through friends, by chance and happenstance. Have high standards but keep an open mind. He may not look like or be the person you expect. Think of bad dates as good stories for  your girlfriends and cocktail parties and maybe if you are lucky you too will find the man you are really looking for.  Good luck.

    30 like

  3. ThurmanLady ThurmanLady says

    I would advice against jumping in too soon.  You still will need to get past what had been going on in your life as well as figure out why you were with a man who was emotionally unavailable – otherwise, it’s rather likely that you could fall for the same type of man, again.  Trust me on this…
     
    I also highly recommend reading the advice on “Dating Without Drama,” an excellent website (and Facebook page under the name “Paige Parker”) which will help you brush up on your dating skills (or lack thereof).
     
    But, most of all, take your time and don’t rush into anything – don’t rush to date and don’t rush to settle down until you know you’re right for each other.  When you feel ready to date, Joyful’s advice is good stuff.  I live very rurally and don’t get out a whole lot, so online dating has been my thing.  So far, dates, but no “Mr. Right.”  And, yes, further exploration of my sexual side.  I happen to believe we’re way past the age to “save it” for the right man… just be careful! ♥

    5 like

  4. Snowcloud Snowcloud says

    Hi, I really enjoy reading the posts on this site

    .I have been dating  since my divorce. It’s important to get out there and take the risks. It’s no different than someone you met at a grocery store or church.
    You will find you will gain more confidence as you meet men and will be able to distinguish those who really pay attention to you and show interest vs those who have other intentions.

    Start as friends and do activites together or part of a group. If he is interested in you he will be there . I can watch movies at home by myself.
    . Develop a social agenda .
    Don’t hang around that phone waiting.
    Your going out to enjoy yourself so you don’t want to be discussing your horrible divorce history and life.
    Are you feeling a connection? 
    How can this person contribute to your life?
    Will he fit into your lifestyle?

    I keep intimate relationships to someone I have known for sometime.
    I am not saving myself but simply taking care of myself emotionally and physically.    Unfortunately many people dating in our generation are failing to take precautions sexually and the more mates you play with the higher chance of establishing sexually transmitted disease.
    If your paying for the bill , he’s not the one.
    Follow the saftey dating rules for meeting any man whether on internet or in person at the mall.

    Be yourself,  have fun!!!!

    10 like

  5. sunnysue sunnysue says

    Thanks everyone.  Your advice is very helpful.

    ((((((Hugs)))))) to all!!!

    1 like

    • Mary Smith Mary Smith says

      at age 50 I found myself suddenly widowed and alone…I didn’t date for about 3 years because I was grieving my husband of nearly 30 years…then I found I was very lonesome…didn’t know where to start or even how to flirt…so I made a list of the qualities I was looking for in a mate..then I took an honest look at myself..I lost a few pounds..got a fresh haircut..took some photos of the real me…and went online to a christian dating site…met some interesting men, both good and bad, and then found my new husband….just be honest about who you are, what is important to you, and know what you are looking for , so when you find it, you will recognize it…I am once again very happily married.

      4 like

  6. Renee Renee says

    You’ve had some great advice.  The first part, and the most important, is to work on yourself.  You are the one who will draw an emotionally healty man to you, and you are the one who will create a space for a loving, healthy relationship.  The men are out there, and there are many ways to connect.

    5 like

  7. Loonamea Loonamea says

    When you are ready, and I agree with all the others who suggest you wait for awhile, perhaps try some of the reputable on line dating sites. It is a good way to prescreen and hopefully meet men who are compatible. And you may find some good friends along the way. Also agree with doing what you love …you will be fulfilled as a person with the potential side benefit of finding a companion. But first, learn to read the early warning signs so you don’t hang on to someone who is not healthy for you. I loved your list about all the reasons not to re-establish contact, but it was sad to me that it took so much and so long for you to wake up. He was clearly a narcissist and cruel, as they always are. I am 52 and single after a 15 year relationship. Did not expect to be here, either. But I am and exploring new things, art, writing, travel. And I just ended a one year experience with a man, who I too miss, but know is not good for me. I miss him, but reading your list helped me to remember my own list. He will not change any time soon, if ever. Stay strong, see your therapist and seek a hobby. Best of luck to you, Loona

    5 like

    • sunnysue sunnysue says

      Thank you, Loona!!  When I think to myself…..10 years.  I guess it could of been worse…..11 years?

      ((((((Hugs)))))))

      Sue

      1 like

  8. tiliamay tiliamay says

    I no longer trust my ability to find a good man to be with. Im 51 and have had narccicists, addicts and abusers my whole life.  I think I am actually too damaged myself to be trusted with my own heart anymore. 

    Enough already.  Just enough.  So much time spent on this particular fruitless endeavor. (for me)

    So now I concentrate on other things that I know I do well; networking, growing my business, being a friend, a good farmer and just being me and enjoying what I do and have.

    I admire any of you who are this interested in guys romantically. I say go for it.  Maybe some time in the future I will miss them again.  But I dont think so.

    For now I can hire a guy to lift heavy things, I am physically strong enough to farm by myself otherwise and I have volunteers who come from around the world to work here, so I save the heavy stuff for them.  

    I wish I cared about men still.  But I just dont.

    9 like

    • joyful53 joyful53 says

      It sounds to me Tiliamay like you have a pretty wonderful life right now.  One of the things I hope we’ve all learned is that we should not define ourselves and our successes by whether we have a man in our life or not. Keep enjoying what you do.  It sounds fascinating.

      6 like

    • sunnysue sunnysue says

      You sound awesome, tiliamay, just the way you are!!!!

      ((((((Hugs))))))

      Sue

      3 like

    • CherylC CherylC says

      Tiliamay, I feel exactly like you do and it’s not bad at all.

      1 like

    • Teri Christian Teri Christian says

      Tiliamay, I feel the same way you do.  Much happier without a man.  I’m 58 years old and I don’t really see the point.  I’m just not into the dating stuff, too much trouble.  I may change my mind at some point, but for now I’m happy with the social life I have at my job and the solace I have at home with my cats (I have 4).

      6 like

      • Generic Image Mari Hyatt says

        Teri, I feel the same way you & Tiliamay do. Relationships just haven’t panned out for me, or maybe I pick (actually, they do the picking) the wrong guys, idk. But I get along perfectly well with/by myself, and have NO desire to repeat the mistakes of my youth. And Teri, I too am a cat lady!

        0 like

    • Generic Image greenlady says

      “So now I concentrate on other things that I know I do well; networking, growing my business, being a friend, a good farmer and just being me and enjoying what I do and have.”
      Tiliamay, The answer lies within you and you have answered your own question…see above
      You say you network well,what do you think dating is? It’s networking on a personal level.you know how to grow a business what do you think a relationship is? It certainly demands all the qualities of a well run business… someone who is financial astute or  knows how to trust someone who is,it means pleasing people and receiving enjoyment from this service or product you provide again all the components of marriage, I think you get my drift now you also mention something near and dear to you Farming and that you know how to be a friend ok apply the above mentioned to a male who either has the qualities you lack and appreciates the strong qualities you posses along with an appreciation for your farming…he doesn’t need to be a farmer just needs to support what you do, then take a look around at who is or can be a candidate just as you would look for an employee to possess all the necessary qualifications…this outlook will take you past all the loosers and straight to the one who will capture your heart as much as you capture his:) Good Luck

      2 like

    • Generic Image l8tebloomer says

      Tiliamay, I can certainly relate. I’m 55 yrs old and up until the late 90′s all I attracted were drunks, druggies, and abusers or guys just looking to get laid. I’ve done a lot of work on myself in he last 16 years, masters degree, changed jobs, (work 2 jobs most of the time) stayed very, very fit (love the gym), raised2 kids (now adults) and what do I attract?? Married men! It pisses me off to no end. It seems that the root of the issue is unavailability (either by a substance or a marriage). I have no idea what I am doing to attract these types of men. I’ve tried on-line dating and guess what? Same kind of guys? I’m beginning to think I need to see a therapist. BTW…I am very, very independent. It’s not like I “need” a guy but it would sure be nice to have someone to go places and hang out with. I wish the best for you, if something works out I hope you will post it here, maybe I’ll learn yet again something new.

      2 like

  9. dewdropinn2003 dewdropinn2003 says

    I understand your situation completely.  I have been divorced for nearly 2 years and still have not been out on a date.  Most of the reason for that is because I knew I needed to heal from my 39 year marriage and get myself right so I wouldn’t end up with the same type of man I had before.  And I have to tell you, I am so grateful I did that!  How nice it’s been to get to know me again and figure out what I really want in a man.  The one thing I still haven’t decided is if I want another long-term relationship or a companion but I can determine that piece after I meet someone.

    And that’s the trick…..meeting someone.  Where and how?  I don’t frequent bars and most of the events I go to seem to be mostly couples that attend and online dating doesn’t seem right for me.  I have decided, for the time being, that I am just going to be patient and if it happens, it happens!

    Whatever you do, please don’t rush into another relationship until you’ve worked through the last one and what you need to do to be emotionally healthy again.  Believe me, it’s well worth the time and effort. :)

    8 like

    • Generic Image Diane D says

      It will be coming up on the 2 year mark for my divorce…he wanted to be free after 37 years of marriage. I admit at times that it would be nice to have a dinner companion, but I don’t feel ready to enter the “scene”. I am learning to be on my own, learning who I am, and getting healthy after enduring one of the most traumatic events of my life. I am letting God do the choosing for me if it is His plan for my life. But for right now, I am learning to be me.

      3 like

  10. jancullinane jancullinane says

    Do you have a “first love” or “lost love”?  There is compelling research about the very high rate of marriage between reunited lost loves.  But, you need to be sure he’s really available before contacting him, of course. 

    Jan Cullinane, The New Retirement: The Ultimate Guide to the Rest of Your Life (Rodale); Retire Happy! (Hallmark); The Single Woman’s Guide to Retirement (to be published in 2012 by John Wiley & Sons)

    3 like

  11. Judy Steinberg Judy Steinberg says

    Hi sunnysue!  I’m so impressed by all the good advice you have been given by the readers.  I wrote a book about how an older woman recovers her self esteem and re-enters life, including the dating scene. Focusing on yourself, getting stronger physically (important!) finding the “you” that got lost in a bad marriage are first steps in the process.  Indulging in your likes and preferences (especially travel) will put you in a position of meeting new people  while being the best version of yourself .  Someone suggested that’s when you draw the right person into your aura.  It’s much more rewarding that way than to go out scouting in bars and places where your presence could be misunderstood. There is a wonderful life waiting for you when you are free of the negative version of yourself you have been forced to be.  Wishing you the best!

    6 like

  12. geralyne geralyne says

    Hi Ladies,
    I’ve spent three years trying to make a relationship work with someone who I believe is incapable of building a life with another person. And he was so good at finding excuses: He hasn’t gotten over his marriage, his last relationship, his daughter is in the way, he has to repair/clean his house. This last reason should have been a sure sign.
    For the first time I am happy to be alone, away from all that nonsense (heavy baggage). At the end of the month I will go overseas to work for a year. Now he says he wants to digest his past, to work through his issues, to get his house in shape. Isn’t that funny?
    Through it all, I’ve become my own person and have outgrown him and that relationship. So that I am no longer the same person that was so confused she fell into it with a guy like that. Sometimes these relationships are meant to be a space to work out our own illusions with someone else. And then take our lives to the next level. Thanks for listening ladies.

    10 like

  13. Generic Image Sally808 says

    After a few duds, I stopped looking and that is when I found him.  So what I would say is don’t try to find HIM, he’ll find you.
    Good luck and have fun.

    7 like

    • Sunshine Sunshine says

      So right you are Sally!  I am 53, just passed the 2 year mark of being divorced after a 28 year marriage to a narcissitic, mentally abussive and controlling husband. I fell into a relationship with a ‘friend’ who had been thru a bad breakup of 9 years previous and knew my life during that time. That came to blows as he was beginning to get possessive and controlling, even after going with me to my counselor! I ended that before xmas 2010. Feeling a bit lonely I logged onto Match for a free month in Feb, went on a few dates and decided I was not meant for this.
         I went on vacation by myself last April, walked over the sand dune, and met the Love of my life on April 17th, 9 months ago today! We talk or text everyday since the day we met. I was finshed with men and he was through with women!
      He asked me to join him for a bit to eat as we left the beach that night and I said yes. (My friend has a beach house there and he knew her also, but she didnt introduce us, I just said hi, to a guy sitting on a sand dune watching the waves!)He confessed at Christmas that he was not about to let me get away without asking me out, though I had said I would be on that beach all week!
         When he dropped me off at my timeshare he asked if I had an umberella as he thought I had gotten too much sun, I said no. The next day a lone umbrella was stuck in the sand where we met…the rest is history.
          So yes, you must be happy with yourself, kick back and enjoy the peace of reading a book on the beach and when you least expect it, Love happens!
          We both feel we have known each other all of our lives! We are so very comfortable with each other, oh, and he is just 2 months older than I.
          Good Luck ladies!

      We are both religious and truly believe God played a huge part in bringing us together. I wanted no part of young children as I have 3 finished college and last one graduating from HS in May. He has a 7 year old daughter who is special ed and I am a special education teacher! He was never married to her mother, and is the primary caregiver every other week, but has total control.
         No one can tell me that GOD didnt play a role in our meeting!

      Happy and soon to be living near OBX.

      0 like

  14. JulianaLeo JulianaLeo says

    This has been an interesting read – since I have recently seperated (okay, it’s actually been over a year now since my Husband sneakily left)…   I am also 60, and ended up having to also move in with my mother, since she was diagnosed with Alzheimers around the same time.  AND she’s a hoarder…so my Life took a real detour on my way to getting back to Self.   After years and years of dating (during my younger years) – you would think I would be older and wiser.   Only thing is that the longing and hormonal uprising has diminished…but the need for company hasn’t.  Still with all that is on my plate, I don’t have much time to consider a relationship.  Actually, getting a divorce would be a priority IF I could find my husband.   BUT IF I had time to find a man – would I really do anything different???

    I can only surmise – that we are all creatures of habit – and unless I strive to change something about myself – I will be prone to continue my own mistakes along the way.   I have had relationships that were abusive – and some that were OK.   Truth is, I don’t want to settle for just OK – Why can’t I have Spectacular??!!

    As much as I have enough to keep me busy for the rest of my life (I’m an Artist as well)…I plan on keeping my own goals a priority & use what ever time I have left – to make my life Spectacular. AND when the right person comes along – he will have to wear sunglasses to view my brilliance.  LOL   IF the Third Time is the Charm – then it’s high time I prove it to myself that I am capable of having the best Life can offer – and stop sabotaging myself – and living with less.   I will promise to take this time to improve myself, emotionally, physically (yes, I’ve lost over 45lbs), and spiritually.

    And this is all being said – with the thought that MAYBE I might want a relationship again.  AFter all, Our Creator made his Children to desire companionship – it’s only natural.   Tho’ I have to say, if we can keep it within the bonds of godly principals, then perhaps there will be less disappointments – and regrets – because we gave everything to a person, without a commitment.   I know this is my own opinion – but I would never live with someone without marriage.  I’ve done both – and and if a man can not commit to me – then he might as well Hit the Road!  haha

    7 like

    • Generic Image gailweld says

      JulianaLeo, my husband also took off without a word.  I divorced him by putting public notices in a newspaper.  It just took a it longer than a normal divorce. 

      About a year later, I met my soulmate who died last year.  But we had 19 wonderful years. 

      If you decide to divorce him, somehow it makes room in your heart for new love.

      3 like

  15. Generic Image Kalli says

    “Sometimes these relationships are meant to be a space to work out our own illusions with someone else. And then take our lives to the next level.” beautifull said gerilynne.
     
    I am 57 and have been back in and out of the dating pool for a few years so in addition to doing the hard, introspective work on yourself to make sure you are living the full, complete life YOU want, I would say:
    Be prepared for men your age to ignore you completely as they stampede towards the younger women who can make them feel like they’ve still got it, if only briefly.  And be prepared for the men 10 years older than you (at least) who a) think they have still got it going on or b) know they don’t and want someone to look after them in their dotage.  Keep your head up and focused on what YOU want, and hopefully, eventually, he will find you.

    6 like

    • Generic Image l8tebloomer says

      Kalli…I loved your post! Men my age (55) can be ridiculous! Do they really think we wouldn’t want something younger too ( I do). Everything you said is so true, thanks for the reality check.

      1 like

  16. JulianaLeo JulianaLeo says

    I think all said is wise words, indeed.  Women seem to have the knack to keep things in perspective and learn from past mistakes/experiences moresoe than men (I mean, really…don’t they seem to go down the same hole for the cheese?)  lol
    I have been fortunate to have been blessed with youthful looks, and many times have been told I could pass for 40′s.  This has not stopped younger men from making a pass from time to time.  My last husband was 20 years younger (what the heck was I thinking!!!)   And tho’ it was an ego boost at the time – we were far from compatible mentally.  And being the nuturing type – I felt needed.    Turns out that being NEEDED is draining over time.
    IF I can keep my senses – maybe even write a broad checklist to keep handy from time to time – perhaps…I may be so fortunate as to – someday – find someone who fits.
    But – in the meantime – I am in no hurry.  For all it’s worth – I have few years left, and even fewer youthful looks left as time goes by, compared to when I was in my 30-40′s.   So having an eventful life has to be weighed more carefully – and who knows what the future may still hold?   *smile*  Whether a man is in IT or not, doesnt’ seem to matter anymore.   What feels more important is Just my happiness, peace and good friends.

    1 like

  17. NanaIsland NanaIsland says

    My steady (someone please find a good word instead of “boyfriend”!!), a girl friend and her husband and I had drinks the other day and we were talking about dating at our age.  My married guy friend immediately asked me, “What was the worst date you had?”  As I thought about the answer, (there’s so many to choose from!), I was reminded of when Thomas Edison was asked about his achievements – he said,  ”Results! Why man, I have gotten a lot of results.  I know several thousand things that won’t work.”  Now that I’ve had the fortune to experience first-hand what won’t work, I know what will work…:)

    2 like

    • JulianaLeo JulianaLeo says

      I somehow see the humor in that! Sorta like kissing alot of frogs. Which brings something to mind for me in retrospect. I would really like to be sure that the next man in my life, is someone I truly love Kissing! I have had both good ones and bad – and there is nothing worse than being in a relationship where you really don’t like kissing that person, no matter how attractive they may be on other levels. For me, it’s the one thing that stands out (at this juncture). When I think of being romanced – I always end up imagining being kissed first. And when I view romantic movies – it’s the KISS that really is the major turn on (not the sex).

      Anyone else on this thought???

      2 like

      • ThurmanLady ThurmanLady says

        Ah, the kiss.  I don’t think, at least for me, it’s so much the kiss but what it really means… chemistry.  I’ve dated some really great guys, but what was lacking was the chemistry.  I happen to be a physical touch person (5 Love Languages) and chemistry is too important to me to look past it.  I want to be able to anticipate, not just think ‘whatever.’ ♥

        0 like

  18. Michele Paynter Michele Paynter says

    I’ve truly enjoyed reading the topic of conversation, as well as the responses. As a woman in her late 50′s, dating can be a daunting journey. I have been happily divorced for some time. I’ve focused on my dreams, my educational pursuits, and making a hopeful career change in the near future.

    Admittedly, I am an incurable romantic, and I would welcome being in love, but, at my age, I’m definitely NOT settling anymore. I haven’t dated in three years. I’m now more than ever, comfortable in my skin!

    2 like

    • ThurmanLady ThurmanLady says

      Oh, I agree we need more than that.  Chemistry alone doesn’t work (as I’ve proven to myself more than once), but it’s something that I would not settle for not having.  I could find the greatest guy in the world, but without that chemistry I might as well just live with a buddy. ♥

      1 like

  19. NanaIsland NanaIsland says

    Years ago when I found a man who seemed to have the perfect resume – looks, romantic, community volunteer, good job, intelligence, athletic, shared interests ….. it was just too good to be true and exploded in a major, messy way (that’s another long story) so now I know that integrity and a sense of humor are much more valuable.  Unless you happen to be perfect yourself, I don’t think it’s wise to look for it in others … what’s important for me now is chemistry, laughing at the same jokes, generosity of heart, wisdom and picking up after each other (dishes, socks, and misplaced phones without being asked!)  Funny, my guy and I also went to high school in the same town but we realized we probably would have run from each other in fear if we met back then… :D

    1 like

  20. JulianaLeo JulianaLeo says

    I wanna hear the other “another long” story! LOL

    0 like

  21. NanaIsland NanaIsland says

    Juliana – I think I’ll create another anonymous VN account so I can share all the juicy details…

    2 like

    • JulianaLeo JulianaLeo says

      After reading your profile – I love how you think!  I’ll have to subscribe to your blog.   I used to live in Colorado, during a time when I felt like I was dealing with alot of transitions – loved Boulder, but felt a little outta sorts at the time.   Looking back, I would have fit right in! haha   Now I’m going through another life change – and would like to spend more time learning, than spinning my wheels.  What I miss is finding intelligent women like myself.  I have lots of married friends – but not the entreprenaur ‘single’ type.   I guess I’m seeking some mirror images of myself! (did I really say this?)   Of course, I like me!  Not in an egotistical way – but I am needing folks who have more in common with myself, than being on the other end of the rainbow.  We are all wonderful in our own way!

      1 like

      • NanaIsland NanaIsland says

        Thanks, Juliana!  I fear I sometimes get a bit too geeky but so far I only have one cat.

        0 like

  22. Vicky1956 Vicky1956 says

    Juliana…I know how you feel. I love to read and learn, and I’m looking for my niche to start my own business that I can grow over the next few years until I retire from education. I get excited about research and learning and teaching others what I have learned. I work in a setting where there are accomplished, smart women, but when I talk about my ideas they get a glazed look. I long for someone to bounce ideas off of and get feedback and encouragement, and I would do the same! I know those women are out there; I just have to open myself up to more opportunities to meet them.

    As for men. I would love to have a true partner, but I’m not waiting around for that to happen.

    This thread has really spawned lots of discussion! Great!

    2 like

  23. energizersnobabe energizersnobabe says

    Loved everyone’s contributions, just a quick note about where to start, when you’re ready. Online dating can be tricky, and expensive. Start with plentyoffish.com (pof.com), which is free. Be clear about who you are and what kind of man you want to meet. Feel free to look up my profile for ideas… I’m pretty crazy! http://www.pof.com/viewprofile.aspx?profile_id=15688182 (energizersnobabe) Don’t settle either… I haven’t found anyone who suits me yet, and I’ve loved my life just fine, thank you! Kelly in Reno

    2 like

    • Generic Image l8tebloomer says

      I’ve just checked out your post on Plenty of Fish. All I can say is WOW! Are you getting lots of attention from that? It’s definitely given me some ideas on what I can do better if I decide to go that route again. Thanks for sharing your profile.

      1 like

    • NanaIsland NanaIsland says

      I found that the other women in those dating sites sounded pretty amazing …. and wondered about talking with them but then I didn’t want to mistaken in my intentions!  Thanks for sharing.

      0 like

  24. JulianaLeo JulianaLeo says

    Plenty of Fish – or any other website – I am just going to add a thought because this was something I discovered by way of two family/related members.   My brother posted a profile – and so did my husband (which is how I found out he was Out There looking before he actually moved out). 

    AND, when website dating first became an option over 15 years ago, I have my own experience to share.   1) Men always seem to think they are More than what they really are.  2) Unless a man is a good conversationalist – which is a rare find indeed – they seem to like hiding behind this facade of this sort of connection.  3) Most men aren’t what they seem.    The majority of men I met, did not even meet up to the criteria I had requested – and many put a really good photo of themselves online – only to find that there were no where close to what they seemed.  (hey, I know this can also relate to women as well)   Who wouldn’t want to put their best foot forward?

    The other thought…women think alot less of themselves than they realize – and will down play their attributes in order to be (fill in the blanks)…approachable?  less confident?…not sure what your reaons may be.

    My husband was looking for a partner months before I found out he was seeing someone else.   He travelled alot, so I had no way of knowing, but my gut told me something was up.

    My brother had physical criteria that seemed more important than emotional, etc.  He’s 50+!  He met a woman Online, courted her for a year, married her, and then six months later, they were divorced.  She seemed to be a real nutcase, and I questioned his ‘thinking’ in marrying her, I mean to say…did you ask all the wrong questions or what???

    The thing is that Women in general, are good communicators and are willing to share themselves.   It’s finding that rare person on the male side that is the challenge…and that may be the whole Venus/Mars issue – Does a great man really exist?   As mentioned, it is a rare find – and takes alot of work to get there, work out your own foibles, and figure out what is right for you, then compare what you are finding?

    I know this is not ingrained in stone – but it is reality.  There is that rare woman who finds her perfect mate, in spite of all the imperfections.   Part of me thinks we sometimes settle – because time is running out.   I can say that I have also felt that way, and have made my mistakes along the way.  

    IF there is a Third Time in my life, to find a good mate – I hope I can put some credibility into my own words, and follow my own good advice.   Women are not dumb, naive, or victims – but we sometimes are afraid of our own power.

    All this on my first cup of coffee!  HAHA

    Juliana

    3 like

  25. energizersnobabe energizersnobabe says

    l8bloomer, my profile filters out 98% of the riff-raff, which was my objective in being as clear as I could be. I mean, why would I want to date a guy who hates big dogs, red meat, football, snow, Facebook/computers and smart, conservative women? Also, my profile clearly communicates WHO I AM and what I want. I am a capable woman, and men incapable of keeping up with me need not apply. I’m a single mom, 55 and about to send my sons off to college, so the last thing I want is another manchild to take care of!
    Nanaisland… go ahead and contact the interesting women you read about on dating sites, just tell they you like guys but were so impressed with their profiles, you had to drop them a line! As we age, we are more likely to be surrounded by many great women, not one great man… because there are so many more of the former, frankly. So why not make new friends? The men are going to die off long before we do (fact of life), so having quality female friends is a necessity as we age! And it’s a lot easier to meet men when you go out with a group of fun women… solo sucks (sorry if the word offends, but I’m around teenage boys all day!)
    JulianaLeo… there are still pervs, liars, cheats and secretly marrieds at online dating sites, well-hidden among some genuinely nice men who have no clue how to present themselves in an online profile. There are also men who oversell themselves, as do many women. “Wow, you actually look like your picture!” is usually the first thing they say to me, and then their horror stories begin, detailing women they’ve met who clearly didn’t portray themselves accurately. Both men and women are guilty of this. After more than 10 years going in and out of the online dating scene (raising 2 boys on my own was my priority), I’d say it hasn’t changed much, BUT I HAVE. I know more about what I want now, and what I don’t want . I have a full, rich, joyful life without a significant other at my side, and I’m happy, because I finally know who I’ve become, and I like ME. So when I present ME proudly in my profile (“I yell loudly at sporting events… I’m Italian!”), with no apologies, I feel confident that if the right guy is fishin’ in my pond, he’ll recognize I’m a fish worth trolling for.
    And vice versa. But it sure took a long time to get here!
    Good luck, ladies, and good fishin’!
    Kelly in Reno

    6 like

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