i keep falling in the crack…i am sitting on the fence, and dont know what it is i need to do. my ex is dating, but i am not…the though kinda makes me sick to my stomach. it takes forever to build up a good relationship…..and at 68 i just say not me/
we live together for financial reasons. i pay the mortgage and water,and he pays everything else…….food, power, cable, phone ect.
he went on a dating web site and found 2 ladies….and o have no right to tell him what he can or cannot do..i realize that….but he keeps throwing them ion my face…the size 2 motorcycle witch, is using him constantly,he comes home and tells me he is never going to see her again, cause blah blah blah………and she calls he he is off to meet her…..yuck……the other one he talks on the phone to everday, several times….then he tells me that he knows loraine and i woukld really be good friends….and wants to invite her over…..i said, we can meet her for lunch……so he has invited her over 3 times now, and she always gives him a reason why she can’t. (guess she is clever enough) but he texts with her 13 and 17 year old daughters all the time…….omg!!!
he told me last week that we were much better as friends than when we were married, and i agree………
i have asked him to leave his lady friends out of my life and away from me……..
so, is he trying to make me jealous……he said he needs to go on with his life and so do i…….
i have spoiled him rotten…from excellent dinners, to back rubs, to washing his clothes…….
and now i resent what i am doing for him……..
he is good to me,and we do have a good time being together, no sex….but if one of them calls him, he is out the door or walks away and talks on the phone to her………
financially i am here in the house,,,the house i bought 7 years before we even met…
but he is suppose to be fixing the house up for sale….he is dragging his feet…and i dont have the money to hire somone……i dont think he wants to really sell the house, so how do i move on???? it is scarey to me to think about dating some one…
crud, just needed to vent
and maybe someone has a few answers for me
My parents divorced when I was ten and I always felt like my lack of self esteem most have something to do with my Dad's absence but then one day when I was in my firths my mother said or did something that made me realize she was emotionally abusive
Holy crap! What a sad story. Congrats on overcoming that hurdle. Wow.
How I would handle it. FIrst, I would get into therapy; that could go a long way to helping you and your difficulties.
Second (boundaries are necessary in life)..when your kids call for advice, I would FIRST ask them what their thoughts are an
Go for it ! Get out there and do something you love !
Use the internet. Here is a site I found.
http://www.bnbfinder.com/positionsAvailable.php
Most B&B are seasonal and offer housing, so you will get a chance to see if you like it. Wi
I have not lived with my ex, my mother in law did for financial reasons, lived with my father in law for 14 years, truly I don’t know how she did it…..I could not…..If it is purely financial and you have no hope of reconciliation, then I certainly would make him take care of himself and all his needs….right now he has the best of both worlds, new women to date and treat for dinner etc. and you for a maid…..don’t do it, then the resentment won’t build…..perhaps as soon as that caretaking stops he will move out to find someone new to meet his needs…..can you take a little mini-vacation, long weekend etc. and take some time to think things through, and upon your return, make that the start of no more catering to your ex for everything…if he wants to remain an ex, then he must learn that he is going to have to cook, clean, wash and pay for a massage….that is life in the single lane……
Hi,
I just read your post, and I am in the same situation with my ex-fiance. I got laid off and have had to keep him around MY home to pay rent as I am currently employed part time.
Here is the issue from what I am reading, you need to define your BOUNDARIES with your ex if you continue to live with him for financial reasons. STOP doing his laundry, fixing his meals and the other bullshit that you are doing for him. Tell him that his private life is just that, private, you do not want to hear about his hookups and other dalliances. Nor do you share any information about your private life as well. If that is YOUR home, tell him under no conditions that he is to bring over any women to YOUR home whether you are there are not.
If you are sleeping in the same room, make him move out of the room and have your own room. This is a roommate living arrangement, live like roommates and define what is appropriate roommate behavior to him. Stop doing social things with him such as eating out, etc. He is correct about one thing, clearly he has moved on and it is time that you move on.
If you do not need him for financial reasons, then get him the hell out of your house and create your own life and world. Life is way too short for this idiot.
Sorry to be so harsh, but I am in the same boat as you are, but my ex is an ex for a reason and he is JUST a roommate at this point and I have clearly defined my boundaries with him.
He will be out of my house and life once I am financially solvent again.
Take Care and Good Luck!
I hope you don’t mind honesty here. My perception is that you still have feelings for this man, and have tried to convince yourself that this relationship is somehow mutually beneficial….but it isn’t mutually beneficial. Not financially. And certainly not emotionally.
You do NOT give backrubs to friends. Backrubs are intimate. You do not tell friends you wont be around their dates or romantic partners. Only women who are hurt and carrying emotional torches or attachment say that to exs.
This relationship is one sided as hell, and its all good to him. Roof over his head. Back rubs. Dinner. Laundry. Its like living with his mother…………and getting to date too~!
Its your house, it was your house 7 years before you met him. Your financial investment is greater and likely so is your financial output. You can get a female roommate–or even another male rommate–and still come out the same financially (if not better.) And they won’t use you like this nor put you through the emotional ringer.
I’d kick him to the curb so fast the door wouldn’t hit his backside on the way out. The I’d put a “roommate wanted” ad in the newspaper or craigslist. And I’d get myself my own social life, and never look back.
your mileage may vary. But Linda i have to ask : Why are you putting yourself through this? And don’t say its financial; you can get a roommate. Why are you keeping a man who doesn’t want you as a lifepartner, who isn’t pulling his weight, and who is clearly using you for his own gain?
i have tried room mates several times…and each one of them really ripped me off….last time it was several pieces of jewlery…..i said, no one is to be in my bedroom for any reason……silly, but i had a special gift to me of bath tablets……..i had not used them……..and when i got home, i decided to use one….and 3 were gone….silly isn’t it? but it pi$$ed me off…….and then i charged then $100.00 a month…..and this one was to keep my grass cut…..well not only did i not get the money..she rarely cut the lawn……..and (i was in sales, traveling a lot) i came home and her son said, wow aunt linda, when you were gone we really made good fire, and had the steaks in your freezer…….so, he was about 10, and had not realized what he had said to me……..sure enough, i looked in the freezer and all my rib eyes were gone…..she had her boyfriend over and fed him also……..no more roommates for me………
i cant imagine anyway of getting through a divorce while still living with someone. I know someone who did, but I cant imagine it. Obviously, this situation is not working for you. What I always tell my kids is, look at the solutions not the problems. If you must live with him.. and I agree, try a roomate instead. But in the mean time…Solutions; 1) tell him to go to the physical therapist for a back rub. 2) show him where the washing machine is and how to work it 3) start paying for your own groceriies and let him pay for his own… and then cook your own meals and let him cook his own 4) if there are two living areas (living room and den)… make one his, one yours, or… if there is an extra bedroom make one your living area. otherwise, watch tv in your bedroom until changes are made. 4) put yourself in “time out” (your off limit room) when he talks about his other women… because essentially that’s what they are. 5) make an arrangement of how many hours he is supposed to spend each week “fixing it up”. If this is part of the arrangement and he is not keeping up his part of the deal, then come up with a financial amount for how much he is to contribute to the fund of him fixing it up. My own experience with my divorce, is sometimes you have to do things the that may not be the most efficient financially or time wise to get the space you need. But I am finding those are a small price to pay foer the freedom. My question; are you sick and tired of being sick and tired? If yes, make changes. make them now. he is not going to make any changes, he has the best of all worlds…. why should he? I think the most “telling” statement you made though, is….he is good to me and we do have good times together…. if that is the case then why did you get a divorce?? and if he is so good to you then why are you so unhappy??? Being alone is hard… but you are going to have to make a choice.. but up with this.. or be alone… you cant have it both ways
Enjoying….well said!! and a good take on it with offering solutions…..
whewww…u r so right…..why did i divorce him? for many reasons…..his foul mouth, his porn,(never with me)we did not like each anymore…….he was clever enough to have me spend all my money on him, saying he was just buying things for us….I left him finally for another man…..one i was engaged to 50 years ago….but he decided to show me who is bos and assaulted me twice…yes twice, but the seconc time i called 911 and had him arrested…….packed up all my things and was outta there……i came back to my home town, lived with a friend and took care of her mother, who she took out of a nursing home for me to take care of……then i got too close to her family, and her 7 year old was calling me mommy…her mother adoored me……..but i became a fulltime baby sitter, chef and animal take of…….plus watch her daughter every weekend , and her little sleepover friends…..and then my friend accused me of taking her mothers clothes !!!!why would i want a 77 year old ladies polyester clothes???? i called my ex, and he said just come home. so, i came home and he became the man i married (no sex though) sweeth toughtful and all the trimmings…..and then he started dating and talking on the phone with ladies………you r so right he does have the best of all worlds…..so, today it stops……well last night he was talking to one on the phone…and i got my pills, my keys and walked out the door…….i went to see a movie……..sex int he city…..which the moral of the movie is _____________commitment _______and betrayal……….i was gone for about 5 hours….came home and all the lights were shut off and he was sound asleep……i have been the ms susie homemaker, and i did not make him dinner last night
and wont today…….nor laundry…..your last four lines are so telling anf honest….and yes i am sick and tired of being sick and tired
i appreciate what you said…………
GOOD FOR YOU!!!!! The first few changes are always the hardest. Word of warning… from my own experience, and I am really struggling with this. Those first step of enough is enough is easier when you are “fed up”. Then, (at least with my X) he gets on good behavior and then I let my gaurd down again and then, there I am again. I look at as if I was taking a new exercise class. At first the muscles HURT, but over time those muscles get used to being used and they dont mind anymore. KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK!!!!
well, i lost it last night…honestly lost it….i did not care if i was alive or dead……..i cried harder last night, then i can ever remember………..maybe i needed to cry..for all the days and nights…minutes and hours that i have been hurting about for years……..let alone this last year
i guess i have a lot of pent up anger and i had to cry and scream.to release it all…i did take several zanax to shut my brain down……i was really hurting…..i cant remember the last time i screamed that loud….this morning my throat hurt from screaming…..and i had a hard time waking up…….but i am ok, now……..for the moment any way…..bless you all for being so up front about so many things
careful wth the zanax. Due to multiple medical conditions I have been on alot of meds over the years that others have gotten addicted to. Me never…EXCEPT zanax. I could tell my body was physically becoming addicted very quickly… horrible getting off.. have them prescribe ?loritax? works as well but not as dangerous. Sorry for the rought night last night. I have been having rough times recently too. Not sure why, I was flying so happily high. Things hit us in stages I think. Keep up the good work and remember there are those of us out there rooting for you!!!
Dear Linda,
I am so sorry that you are going through this hell and I do apologize for my harsh words. But reading the comments about your situation there is a recurring theme, this ex is taking horrible advantage of you and your life. Linda, this man is violent and a con artist, you are a good woman who deserves so much better than this, you are still young and vibrant.
In all honesty, I am too depressed about my situation but by hook or crook I am going to garner my freedom. Please please go talk to someone about how you are feeling…a priest, rabbi, doctor or a mental health professional.
We are all pulling for you and we want to see you happy and mentally healthy as life is way too short.
Muffy Love and Hugs
Bless you all…and harsh? sometimes i hit my forehead and said “i should have had a v-8………i have seen many a dr for this……..i honestly think i need to write a book on my computer.and get it all off my chest…..who knows, maybe it will best on the book club…….lol
i have so many stories of mental abuse…..physical also…..oh well, this is one He## of a group…….and truth be told, i admire all of you, and peacefully thank all who respond…
This topic has not been visited since mid 2010 – anyone on this email feed still members here ? I am living in a very similar situation and I need to become stronger in my will to get my ex husband out of my house. Is anyone living with their ex spouse and has been through this before ?