I would prefer not to enter into a relationship that makes me half of a couple ever again. I have a few friends my age that say the same thing, though I think some of them say this because they don’t think the opportunity to remarry will arise.
I have a lover, a busy semi-retired professional man, and we are both very satisfied with our current relationship. We think we will maintain this staus quo for some time.
A friend of mine says, “He’s only in it for the sex.” Well, that’s what I’m interested in: a respectful, affectionate, physical relationship. Period.
I don’t want to do his laundry, shop and cook, or share finanicial concerns or committments with another person. I love my single life, my nearly absolute freedom, my family, and friends and associations.
How common is this? That’s what I am curious about. Are other women 50+ finding that this is what they want and enjoy? Or am I the odd one?
I first heard of this word when I took part in the Winter Feast For the Soul. I have been a follower of the meditation teacher Davidji from the Chopra Center for two years now and he taught a lesson on this during the Feast. I play that downloaded me
Sorry. Count me in as a now 53 year old married woman. Married 6 years to a now 62 year old man. Love being married to this man “til death to us part”. love the commitment is there regardless of the sexual chemistry. Which candidly I wish there was more time for, less stress, less lots of other stuff which seems to step in front of the hanky panky times.
Maybe when we retire in a few years………..
But I absolutely love being life partnered with this man who is fabulous to me beyond description. Too much so. No one could ever take his place.
And the odds are he will leave this earth ahead of me, and leave me with 15-20 years more life without him.
And then my friend–I’ll likely feel like you.
But not today.
I’m with the poster above – happily married to a great man for over 25 years – and love sharing everything with him. He’s my financial partner, he balances me out in all kinds of ways (while still accepting me as I am), and he is my best friend. We like and respect each other, we still make each other laugh – a LOT! If I were to lose him, I could easily see myself being like the original poster of this topic in some ways - I am very independent and self-sufficient, and I am the type who actually enjoys and needs “alone time” . After so many years of a successful, profoundly happy marriage, I would never settle for something less, just to have a companion. I would not need a man for emotional, or financial, or even physical reasons (not a sex outside of marriage person, so I would be celibate).
I would have male friends – always have. I pal equally well with both genders – not a ton of friends, but the ones i have are deep and lasting. Maybe eventually I might feel differently about a guy I started out in a platonic relationship with. But my husband would be a very tough act to follow, and I suspect I would never remarry. And as tempting as it might be, would not take a lover, for personal moral reasons. So I suppose I would focus my sexual energy into other channels – maybe have a late-life surge in creativity, or something. Or become one of those little old ladies with too many pets. Not sure how I’d deal….but I would. And I would never settle for a mediocre or unhappy marriage. I would definitely rather be alone, than be in an unfulfilling, unchallenging partnership. Sex alone would not be enough for me – nor do I have to have it to be happy. But the parts about having my own life, and time – I would totally love that!
You aren’t the odd one
at this stage in my life I agree with your take on relationships. Most of the mature women friends of mine are on the same page as well. (some of them married!)
(For those who have managed to find fabulous partners and wonderful marriages, that is marvelous and something to be very proud of in this world. Whether a second attempt or the original golden oldie, congrats to those couples!)
I’ve had two proposals to retie the knot since I divorced after almost 25 years. One a lot younger, one a bit older, but both were not as soul pleasing as my own indendence. The younger sweetie didn’t share enough common history and expected to be taken care of in ways I had already decided would not be a part of any serious relationship of my future. The older gent was very smart and politely caring, but wanted to control too much while I would step into the house/home/cook/social secretary/ bottlewasher/ caregiver role! Ummm no.
Those knots would have strangled me. And though they both claimed that my independence would not be compromised, they didn’t really believe in a woman’s independence and it was basically an empty statement. Expecting I would *change* for their needs eventually. It would have been as unfair to them as it would have been stifling/lethal for me.
So, I also feel that the perfect match for me now would be an independent, separate but equal, affectionate partner of respect, fun, companionship and decidedly *you have your place I have mine* variety. Both of us with a same genuine mindset.
You sound like you have a great relationship and should enjoy it every day!
I am happily exploring options. I would love to have a relationship like DL and Red… But I may really not be the best marriage material. Isn’t life full of interesting twists and turns?
Hi Anon, (and Guilded Lily) That’s a question I wrestle with occasionally. Divorced for about 7 years I’ve had 2 long-ish term relationships but am now just seeing a man occasionally. I think it’s quite possible to find a relationship that fills one’s own needs and be quite happy. Marriage is always the first thing people lean towards–whereas the benefits for women like us in being single are usually frowned upon.
After years of being the good wife and mother, of taking care of people and all that goes with it I love my independence. I can still be in a close intimate relationship, have weekends or weeks together, take vacations with a partner and enjoy great sex. Marriage is always an option, not a necessity.
If you’re happy with your current partner and you both have defined the relationship and it works I applaud you. Don’t let others tell you what you “must” do.
I think your attitude is great! I did marry a second time for all of two years and it was a MESS getting out of it financially. I’m not sure I’d legally marry again.
Yet, I do believe in a committed relationship but I don’t think you have to marry at our age. I know I love my space and my own time and I love having a wonderful man in my life.
But, I’m not ready to join forces to marry again and neither is he. I believe after 50, we can have any type of relationship we desire in our lives.
I think your friend is a bit off base and a bit old fashioned. Her comment sounded like something our mothers might have said back in the day.
Try and give yourself permission to enjoy this relationship just as it is and work at letting go of what others think. All that really matters is how you and your guy feel. Good Luck!
Hugs
Lisa
I’m very interested in the comments on this post because they echo some of the comments on my own Vibrant Nation post, titled “Shall I Let Him Move In?”
What an interesting variety of opinions! — some are solidly for the joys of marriage, some think co-habitation is a sacrifice of freedom. I’m still struggling with my own decision, and it’s really, really helpful to see how other women have dealt with the problem.
I want to be you when I grow up…you are not the odd one . Kate
I can’t even find a man (after 7 years!) that I want to be friends with and would give anything to be married and feel safe once again. I am 65 and still feel 18 and am also a Freshman in college…dancer, singer, auithor, etc.!
I think you are totally on the right track. You have a relationship that is working for both of you and when it isn’t you can change it. A marriage license doesn’t guarantee anything and especially that someone will love you for the rest of his life. You know that he is with you because he wants to be and not that he is “stuck in a marriage.”
If you want to marry for some other belief, you can write a prenup to cover the main points. You are a grown woman who knows who she is, what she likes and can stand on her. What a great place !! I agree with Lisa, enjoy it and don’t let others ruin it for you. I love the man in my life after 6 years but I am not shopping for a dress ! If it ain’t broke…
What about women like me who married older (47) with not much sexual experience, then finds her husband is not interested in sex ? After 5 years of trying to fix this situation (and I have tried EVERYTHING), there is really no passion in our relationship. He’s a great great friend and I do love him – but I want a full marriage relationship. I don’t want to ‘make’ him want to be intimate. I am at a crossroads of leaving or staying. Any advice?
Flora,
If you are at a crossroads in your marriage, I highly recommend the Mira Kirshenbaum’s book Too Good to Leave, Too Bad To Stay. It is an excellent, self-help book by a seasoned marriage counselor. The book includes a series of key questions that you answer about your relationship. The author explains what your answers mean and helps you get clarity on whether or not your marriage may be worth saving or not. It helped me immensely. Check out all the reviews of it on amazon.com.
Stay strong! I know how difficult indecision can be. I was in limbo for many years in my marriage. I eventually left, but your marriage may be worth saving!
Sorry to hear about your situation Flora. Marriage or any relationship is compromise. You have to find a partner with “issues” you can live with. If you “trade” this man for another partner, you also “trade” qualities. You may get a great sex life and a mean streak for example. Is sexual incompatibility a deal breaker? You must know if you are willing to trade this relationship in hopes of finding one with a set of circumstances you are willing to compromise. Only you know the answer.
There are only 2 answers to every situation:
Change your situation or Change your response to it.
Change your response: What you focus on grows and what you ignore dies. You can focus on the lack of sex and let it fester and eat you up or you can focus on the great parts of your marriage and grow your relationship in common interests, like travel, camping, music, old movies, playing cards, having a big social circle, civic services or riding a motorcycles.
You say YOU have tried everything, but has he. Have you been totally honest with him about how important having an intimate relationship is to you? There are many ways to be intimate, romantic and connected other that sex. Have you asked him to do these things with you? Does he know how important a sexual relationship is to you? Does he know it is a deal breaker and you are considering leaving him because of it? He may not have even noticed your efforts to get things going. Some men need it spelled out in black and white. It ‘s all in how you say it so give it some careful thought. After 5 years, he may think you have accepted the way things are. By giving him a true clear understanding of how you feel, may just be the catalyst for change. What do you have to lose by “alerting him” how you are serious about this?
The bottom line is you deserve the life you want and it is up to you to create it. The choice is yours. Every decision creates another choice, that creates another decision, that creates another choice. And so is life!
Chris and Barbara – Thank you so very much, ladies, for the great advice. I am still in the mode of making things work…. my husband is aware of our situation but at some point I have to either accept his disinterest in that particular area and weigh it with our otherwise compatibilty OR decide if it is something that outweighs other positives. My issue is not sex perse but that he doesn’t seem to want to be a partner in helping me with something important to me. I dont’ want to make this bigger than it is but I also don’t want to put aside something that means a lot to me. Lots of thinking to do, and more talking with hubby. But I feel more hopeful. Thank you again!!
I think you should do what makes you happy!! I myself am on my second marriage and I love it, but it is alot of work.
I have friends like you and friends who are married 30 yrs or more. I say do whatever rocks your world, go with your gut!!!! Enjoy!!