Quick summary of events. I’ve been with my husband since 15, we married at age 25 and now I’m almost 37 with two children…I am miserable! Bored, fed up, miserable (and sound like a selfish cow!).
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We never go out, we never get drunk, we never have fun. I have to force him to do everything. I forced him to go to university, I forced him to get a good job, I forced him to travel the world – yes I’m bossy! We both have good jobs, our children are happy, financially we’re a mess but coping and getting by.
I love him like my best friend, he is the best father in the whole wide world and would do anything for our kids. Now after over 20 years I don’t know what to do. There is no sex, I don’t want it at all as I am totally unattracted to him as I see him as a friend.
I need to know do I stay in this pretend marriage where we all on the surface are happy, we do family things, we laugh but deep down I want more! I want the sexy husband, I want someone thrilling I want more!!!!!
Is this just a fantasy and by leaving will I jepordise this nice, safe little life that I have!!??
HELP! All advise welcome!
I would recommend a therapist…that would be my first step.
I read a lot of these comments. I am in a terrible situation myself, a 38 year long marriage and a husband with narcolepsy and a possible manic depressive personality, which no one will label or confirm.
We have not had sex for at least three years, I am not attracted to him at all, like you said yourself, I give everything and get nothing back. He sits in his lair doing nothing all day. I clean, make meals facilitate social events, throw the holidays, make major decisions in just about every arena. I also have a sole proprietor business which is not generating income and he is on total disability. I work all the time, very hard. He can’t remember anything, has cognitive issues, etc.
Don’t listen to the romance baloney. Your problem is way deeper and more extensive. YOu need to be brave and leave him. I have not been brave enough myself as I am also in the middle of a scary health diagnosis and a lawsuit concerning what my father left me.
If you are healthy, if you have it within you to be independent and strive for the life you want, if you still can remember what that might be, make a brave move now before it is too late. I no longer remember what it is like to be happy, and I am unable to envision a life without my spouse, even though at times I hate him and he gives me nothing, not even a smile. He still pays the bills and that is probably the only reason I am with him. My children pity him and think I am the problem, though I maintain the family and I am the glue.
Recently the children have declined being with us for the holidays, preferring their grandparents or their own solitude.
I worked my entire life to maintain the family, I worked part time to bring in a little income, went to graduate school and juggled a household with three children with no help from my husband in the practical matters and now I am not allowed to bring that up, its a laundry list. I am extremely intelligent and creative, but look where I am! I gave my all to a family and now I am too old to start a new career or get a job. I am retirement age!
My life sucks, I am scared to divorce as we have a nice life style which will be cut in half. I will never have a home of my own again if I divorce. I have a home business which requires a huge amount of space. I will never have that again and I will have to give up my passion, my creative business for a droll minimum wage job with benefits. I am 59. Do the math.
If you are younger than me go for it and leave the nothing spouse behind. They never learn how to be partners, even after years of therapy.
You have to make your own path, and even if you think you are in a good relationship, look out for yourself first. Suddenly you are too old to start over. Your only hope is to marry another you love and have money from his profession.
This is so sad for you. I’m also 59. Have you tried therapy? Do you have a circle of supportive friends? Do you have a life outside your marriage? Life can definitely get better for you.
If your that unhappy, then leave with 1/2 of everything you have built together and start a new life without him in it….Sounds like you are somewhat spoiled and want it all, but you can’t have it all…Life is full of CHOICES…
You’re staying because you will never OWN a house again….??? What’s with that?! Everyone is soooo stuck on having THINGS instead of holding on to their sanity/happiness….Happiness is possible without those THINGS. (I know…During this “World Wide Recession”, my husband, and I have lost most everything we built together over the past 33+ years.)
It’s much easier than you’d think and you might just like not having the responsibility of all that STUFF that you think is sooooo important now…
Living become easier without it..
I say, Take your HALF….Take a step down in your lifestyle. At least you won’t be living with someone who makes you so incredibly miserable…..You may find your “HAPPINESS” again.
Life happens….and it sometimes robs us of living. Take some time for you. Write down what brought the two of you together. List the things you liked about him. Now list the things he liked about you. ARE YOU still that person. Did you ever want to be? Have you changed.
If your husband still loves you, it’s worth working out. I lost my marriage after 17 yrs (we were together a total of 24 yrs) for these same kinds of stuff. Would we have lasted, who knows. I do know though that what appeared as huge, insurmountable obstacles faded in insignificance after we parted. They were not worth the loss.
If you want to please your husband, and yourself, I suggest YOU CHANGE YOU. Learn a new hobby, go to the gym or start walking, change something in your wardrobe. Take up reading, bibliographies are great. You’ll find your attitude improving, you’re laughing more, you’re enjoying life. Believe me, a positive, confident – not controlling – person is very attractive.
Hope this insight helps.
Changing some of the things you do will alleviate the boredom, but your issues are deeper…a therapist can help you…..How does your husband feel about no sex? That is n issue all by itself. Having to force any one to do ANYthing is a problem all by itself.
“coping and getting by” is no way to live; if you keep doing what you are doing you will simply feel angrier and more frustrated and resenful; that is where/why professional help can help! Can give you a perspective….
Have you tried marriage counseling together? This may help. It seems that you guys need help as a couple.
Thank you for the advise, at this point I dont want councelling I just want to run
The one thing about leaving is that wherever you go there you are. If you are leaving to change things watch out they could change for the worse, especially given that your ideas include getting drunk.
The dissatisfaction is always ours to own. The only cure for that is to mine it — that will, at least, ensure you do not create the next relationship into the form of this one.
The odds are not in your favor given you admit to bossy. Some would interpret that as BEING RIGHT all the time. That trait is just irritating, it implies the rest of us do not know our …. from our ….. We, generally speaking, call those who are always right EXES.
Want fun, buy a vibrator and use it in front of him. He will either participate or leave. There is your answer. Just that easy.
Maybe get into counseling just for yourself, until you can decide what you really want to do. You have children, so it isn’t just you in this situation, and I sure understand the feeling of just wanting to run.
Agreed Alicia.
Really sounds like a one-on-one with a professional may be beneficial in this case. During such emotional challenges, its not always good to make life changing decisions. Our perspectives are sometimes so clouded and we’re so vulnerable that our ability to exercise good sound judgement is diminished.
Also suggest you pray about it, not all burdens were meant to be carried alone
Like others have said, I would advise counseling as well. If you don’t want to go with your husband, go alone. I think hearing a different perspective on your situation may help you a lot.
We can’t make our partners into people they’re not. They are who they are and you’ll find if you focus on his strengths rather than his weaknesses you may start seeing him differently.
How has being bossy worked for you?
I’ve been married for 27 years and it has not always been easy; to say the least. I will often create a visual in my head of a pie when I think about our relationship. If there were 8 parts, 2 of them don’t work well but 6 of the parts work very well. I focus and appreciate those parts and it’s made a big difference. My husband is not very social and I’m very social. I get my social needs met elsewhere and I don’t feel deprived at all. We look back and feel proud that we’ve stayed together and have been able to get through our difficult times.
The best of luck to you!
Does your husband know how you feel? Did you tell him in clear words?
I’d say this: If you’re looking to your husband & relationship to find inspiration, joy, happiness, you’re doing it wrong. You have to find that within yourself.
My suggestion is that you establish your “friendship” by moving out, hopefully somewhat close so that the rearing of your children can be shared. Your children can, most likely, feel & see your distance. To live in THAT type of situation, for a child, is not good as an example of what they should strive for in their adult lives.
So, I say, go on and live your life. You may find that deep down you are really most comfortable in being the “pusher” in ALL relationships–perhaps it’s a way to avoid looking within your own heart.
If you don’t have someone else to “push,” then you might start focusing on what’s right for yourself. Either, a.) you’ll find your bliss & go forth into a new life, or b.) you’ll return to this relationship w/ a man who’s basically just a friend. Either way, you’ll probably surprise yourself!
Have you tried to analyze what brought the wedge between you? Has he ever been disrespectful to you? How long has it been since you two had sex and how was your sex life? Was it boring, even when it was good? What attracted you to him? Was it because you thought he could be a good provider and good father? Did you ever find him sexy? And now the million $ question, have either of you ever been unfaithful? Sometimes problems escalate past the point of repair. Living in a pretend marriage is painful because of all the things in the world you are expected to be, sometimes we forget that the most important thing to be is true to ourselves. When you live a lie, you die a little bit each day.
Ok, I’m going to go out on a limb here, because while I often see these sorts of situations, I hardly ever see the following suggestion.
It sounds like you’re doing great in everything except the ‘romance’ department. (love, fun, laughter, success, best friends, etc). So how about considering negociating an open relationship? I’ve been in a relationship with my high school sweetheart since we were teenagers (not married, because we’re the same gender, and until quite recently, marriage wasn’t an option for us). We celebrated our 35th anniversary earlier this month. We adore each other, love each other, are absolutely dedicated to being each other’s partner and companion until death do us part. However, many years ago, we determined that, while we are perfect for each other in many ways, we weren’t romantically/sexually compatible. We solved that with opening the relationship in that regard, with a complete dedication to commitment, and openess and honesty. It has worked for us for many years, and allowed our relationship and love for each other to thrive and deepen.
Your marriage…..your rules. Don’t let anybody tell you how you ‘have’ to do it. You are free to try whatever works for both of you.
- Kes
ya know? first I wondered male? or female? and then it didn’t really matter, I think you made a real good point here, but, sex is sex and love in sex is love in sex? I think there is a difference…….and again i am not sayin where anyone else is at in this, just my opinion, maybe for the lack of love in my own life…god bless
Hi, Pamela – if you were replying to my post, the answer is Female. The rest of the reply I didn’t quite understand. :)
I have a difficult time trying to explain myself………..I live alone, but, have a partner in life at this time…………but I dont have sex with him because, all I feel from him is………motion and not emotion………..does that make sense? I do wish I had the emotion, but never have really……….he does not like to kiss, says there’s germs in it? wont hold my hand for more than a minute (and only if I take his hand) sex = no emotion………………does this make more sense?
I am new to this site KES, I would really like to know if there is a way to see who may be online? and if we can add friends/to a circle so to speak, and can we search for people (Ladies) in our areas? I would really like to meet some women who may share the same interests as i do………..
I say HEY! The grass is NOT always greener on the other side and just think of what you’re leaving will do to your children! Leaving is a VERY SELFISH way out! You’re right…
DON’T LEAVE! It may be difficult to do, but YOU decided to marry this person and YOU need to MAKE THE BEST OF IT until your children are 18 and/or out of your nest. Don’t make them suffer for YOUR, now perceived, bad decision. You took on the responsibilty of being/having a family now deall with it. Way too many people in our society just leave when things are tough…..AND THAT’S JUST WRONG! When it comes to your family, anyway.
You will be teaching your children an invaluable lesson by showing some character and staying with the family until your job of MOTHER is done. The only exception would be if you or your childrem are being ABUSED, and I mean literally.
So STAY with this marriage. DO get some counseling if you think it might help. And in the end you can be proud of the fact that you did the RIGHT THING! Love your children now and think of them….Your time will come again when they are grown….that’s IF you still want to leave your husband by then…..TIME changes everything.
Take it from one who know’s….I was in your shoes, exactly, years ago and by making that, oh so difficult decision to “STAY, my children have benefited greatly and as a result, so have I….
I am happily now, STILL married after 33+ years and I intend to stay, “Til death us do part”….!
GIVE YOUR HEART TO YOUR CHILDREN, who really need it right now. The love you and your husband once had may just come back one day….You’d be surprised……
To address the issue of staying for children, first of all, she never said how old her children are. Maybe they’re not children at all. Also, speaking as someone who knows first hand, do you really think her children don’t realize, sense and see the lack of affection between mom and dad. After my husband had an affair, I have struggled with my decision to leave or stay. My children were 7 and 12 at the time. For eight years now I have stayed in a fake marriage, living a lie. What bothers me the most is the example that I am setting for my two daughters about what a true, loving marriage really is. Now, at 15 and 20, my girls know everything. Living a lie and staying in this fake marriage kills me a little everyday. But at this point, I guess I’m going to stick it out until my youngest turns 18. I’ve stuck it out for eight years now, what’s two more. I know one thing though, I wish I had the courage to throw him out eight years ago. I know my girls and I would have been just fine and I would have showed them a strength that mere words could never match. Never stay for the kids.
An on-going affair/s is ABUSE, in every sense of the word…..
And your girls, if they are or have been privy to this knowlege are better off without a father that SHOWS SUCH BAD CHARACTER by abusing his family…..
I agree you should have left him years ago!
You can leave the marriage,, but first do everything – including marriage counseling – to see if things can change. And then, only then, leave. As Dr. Phil says: it’s better to come from a broken marriage than to live in one.”
Hello, sister……What you’re really asking for is romance. But what you will be fulilled by is a diverse life of learning and teaching and caring for others; other women and men, as friends, and children to nurture, and the elderly to cherish. It’s taking a journey of discovery. Do not wait for another to lead you where you must now go; take a step into the void and trust that you will fly. You will be enriched.
PS
Stop thinking its got to be either/or. Just start living.
I’ve learned never to give advise about marriage because what is heaven to one is hell to another. I know many women who would love a best friend safe marriage… but maybe not you. What keeps me staying in mine when its gotten tough (and boy oh boy there have been a few of those years) has been an old quenstion from an Ann Landers column- “Would my life be better or worse without hiim?” The answer to that question requires defining what I have versus what I want. It involves mentally walking through the process of how to get what I want and would it be worth it.
When my husband came home from the war with PTSD, unfamiliar to me and creating all kinds of chaos and pain, I really wanted to leave but what kept me was the answer to that question. My marriage was hard, but it ultimately gave me what I wanted, so I fought for the marriage. That included fighting for a happier me in the marriage. Given the kind of crazy my husband was exhibiting I wouldn’t blame any woman for leaving. I stayed because it was right for me.
Decide whats right for you, then you kids, ask the next question how.
KIDS FIRST ALWAYS!…….But what is good for your kids may turn out to be good for you too….???
Otherwise you show NO strength of character by not claiming the responsibilty of having those children. And that’s what’s wrong with this world now…..ANYTHING GOES….:(
My struggle with the theory of staying in a marriage just for the soul sake of the kids is, because I am a loving, dedicated, responsible parent, I feel an obligation to set an example for my two daughters. I want to show them what a healthy, loving marriage truly is by living it and showing them everyday. Well, I can’t do that and that makes me feel like a failure sometimes. My husband and I have tried to the best extent that we can, but unfortunately I think it’s too late to repair us. Since my husbands affair in 2004, we have gone to couples marriage counseling twice and individual counseling twice. We obviously didn’t try hard enough and didn’t do the homework that was needed. Eight years later, we are platonic room mates. We have not had sex since 2003 and have transformed our marriage into just a eating/drinking buddy kind of thing. I have been a stay at home mom for 20 years, putting my career aside for motherhood. I am 49 now, my daughters are almost 16 and 20. They know everything. I know I would have their support no matter what I choose, but I am afraid. I feel trapped. So now, since I cannot show them what a beautiful thing marriage can be, I have now resorted to telling them what not to do. I have told them never to rely on a man for anything and to be strong, independent and self supportive. It is not really how I feel. I wish things were different. I wish I could tell them to believe in true love and it will last forever. Reality truly sucks.
REALITY does suck sometimes…We just have to make the best of things the way they are….Life never turns out the way one expects it will……
To expect nothing from life is the only way NOT to be disappointed, truly. I think that must be why we DREAM….to help us look forward to something, anything to keep us going….. ”ATTITUDE IS EVERYTHING”. Changing it can make a world of difference!
Far be it from me to be an expert other than I was married 28 years and now divorced (recently). Having never been the bossy type I have to start with this: Stop being bossy. Stop pushing him. Stop trying to control. Start taking care of you. He’s changed and so have you and my guess is he’s thinking some of the same things about you. If he’s your best friend, I gotta tell you, you have more than most and certainly more than I ever had. Start there. Communicate in a respectful manner of what needs some changing. Less demands and less calling him out with “You this or You that.” Try this:”It would make me happy if we make love more.” What red blooded guy can turn down that offer? My point is this: Marriage is a roller coaster ride. Both of you have brought into the relationship, past belief systems and roles you’ve seen others play out. It maybe time to challenge those long held beliefs that no longer serve you well. That takes quiet reflection though. You can only start with you. Know yourself.Communicate it lovingly and keep it simple. If he’s intelligent and compassionate, he’ll tune in and make some changes. In the meantime, enjoy your beautiful children! You have so much to be grateful for!
To Sem 719; the same thing holds true what I previously wrote. Live a life. Go back to work, take a trip, go to night school, find people to help, write a book, you are in an enviable position. You may choose to move in so many directions because somebody is right there putting a roof over your head and food in your mouth! You don’t have to support yourself. Given the vast number if choices at your disposal , it confuses me that all you can do is whine that you are barely surviving because of your less than ideal relationship! Lord have mercy. No romance in your life. What a tragedy. Go get a life. Don’t waste any more of your precious time longing for some Hollywood ideal. Sorry if I’m too straightforward. You need to wake up. Go have some fun.
To Fran S: When I posted my comments on this sounding board, I was posting them in response to the original post from Anonymous on October 25 in hopes of helping her realize she is not alone. I certainly do not want to come across as being confrontational to you, but since you directed your post at me, I will reply back to you. I read and re-read your comment hoping to take away something positive from your words. Here goes……When I decided to walk away from my career 20+ years ago, it was a sacrifice, but I have NO regrets. Becoming a mother is the best thing that has ever happened to me. The only thing I would change, if I could, is I would have kept my foot in the door to remain in the working world to remain valuable to them. But, I believed I married my soul mate and would be married to him forever. I believed that walking away from the working world would never ever be an issue for me. I knew that I was very lucky to be able to have that opportunity and was grateful. So, when my husband had his affair, I was devastated. But I had two small children to love, care for and worry about. I did not sit around and “whine”. Yes Fran, I have lived a life. A very busy one helping others. In just a mere 8 years I have been a Girl Scout Leader, a Pop Warner Cheerleading Coach, President of the PTO, I taught Junior Achievement, I am a Docent at the local zoo, I volunteer in the local soup kitchen. I then went back to work, only part-time to be available for my children, I went to night school to take classes to update my resume. I even went to Bartending School for something fun and received my Bartending license. I am a very passionate person with so much love to give and life to live. You and I are obviously on a very different page if you would be content with just “somebody” putting a roof over your head and food in your mouth. To me, that is existing and not living. Oh, and about your suggestion to write a book now. Whatever book I would write would be a very depressing, cynical one. I would never want that to be my lasting legacy left to my two beautiful, intelligent daughters. But I know, that they know, I love to laugh and am way to much fun to ever write a book like that. Keep smiling. I try to everyday.
Well I’m happy that you’re fulfilled as you didn’t indicate that in your previous message. Sorry if I came off as too blunt. As I said , I’m happy you’re ok.