A Husband Secretly Watching Porn Could Mean Something’s Missing in Your Relationship Hot Conversation

This post is of such a delicate subject matter that I am sure that some of the words used in this post will cause my blog to come up in some very interesting search results on Google in the near future. Undoubtedly I will also get a whole bunch of new Twitter followers who have very provocative profile photos when I promote this post on Twitter. This is not necessarily the type of blog recognition I want, but I am willing to post it anyway because I think this subject needs to be discussed out in the open.  Married couples, and those in long term relationships, need to talk about this before it becomes an insurmountable problem in your relationship.  So take a deep breath in….then out….now keep your mind open and read on.

Does your husband secretly watch porn for personal stimulation?  If you say no…are you sure?  This may be a shocker but if he is secretly watching porn it does not mean that there is something wrong with him, and it certainly does not mean there is something wrong with you either!  But it could mean there is something missing in your sexual relationship.  Now before you start attacking me for saying that, please read the entire post.

I recently discovered by accident that my husband was secretly watching porn.  My initial reaction was anger, then I felt rejection, jealousy, betrayal, and then more anger.  But before I walked out on a great marriage with a man who is so good to me in so many ways, including sexually, I sat down and talked with him about what it was he was watching, why he was watching it, and why he felt that a video could give him more than me.  What I learned was that he was not rejecting me at all.  He did his best to explain to me that he loves our sex life and is completely turned on by me so I did not need to feel rejection by his actions.  After a very difficult conversation that went on for more than 24 hours, he finally found the words to tell me about a certain sexual fantasy that he has had for most of his life but was too embarrassed to tell me about it because he thought I would think he was weird.  The desire for this fantasy is similar to an itch that really needs to be scratched once in a while.  So to scratch this itch, he would on occasion watch a certain type of porn video to enjoy that fantasy while masturbating.

He was not using porn in place of sex with me, nor was he using it to get worked up before sex with me, both of which would indicate a problem according to some sex experts I have been reading lately. Still I was very upset that my husband would desire something other than me.  We have a very active and satisfying sex life together so it was difficult for me to imagine there might be something missing.  What could be so embarrassing that he could not talk to me about it?

As open minded as I was trying to be, I still could not accept the fact that my man was watching other naked women to experience this fantasy.  To me that is cheating, even if the other woman is only in a video.  He did not feel it was cheating at all.  He said he is totally faithful to me and our marriage and sited the fact that when his married friends have invited him along to “Titty-bars” (as we call them) he would flatly refuse to join them saying that was cheating.  He even stopped hanging out with one long-time friend because he was always doing things that was going over the line for my husband, but the friend didn’t think it was cheating because he was not having intercourse with the other women.

I explained to him that if you go to a Titty-bar and watch a woman pole dancing for your sexual stimulation then that is the same thing as watching a porn movie -isn’t it?  He said that when I put it that way, it does sound like cheating…but he just never thought of it like that because he never came in contact with another real life person, he just watched a movie in the privacy of his own home.   Apparently many men do not feel that watching porn while masturbating is cheating because they didn’t have another human interacting with them in real life.  But in my book, that is still being unfaithful to your relationship with your wife.  My husband considers himself to be a very faithful husband so this was like a slap in the face…albeit one that he apparently needed.

Like all things unknown, they tend to grow into something much larger and much worse in your imagination then in real life, so I thought I needed to take control of this before it got totally out of hand and caused a serious problem in our marriage.  I said to him, “Just show me the damn videos that you were watching.” I wanted to know what I was competing with (even though he assured me I was not in competition).   He was really uncomfortable with this but he showed me anyway.  After watching it I thought…“That’s it? This is nothing like what I imagined he was watching.”  I said, “Honey, I don’t have a problem with us doing any of that.  I can’t believe that for all these years you have been afraid to ask me about this and would risk our marriage for fear of telling me about this fantasy.”

So that day I helped my husband live out this fantasy that he has had unsatisfied in real life for several decades.  How was it?  For me it was no different then the great sex we already had, but for him it was an amazing experience made better by the fact that we live it out together, which made it even better for me as well.  I don’t think he is going to desire any more secret porn sessions because now he knows that he doesn’t have to be shy about what he desires, he can just talk to me about what he would like.  And he knows I am still the sexually open-minded woman that he married so many years ago.

Sometimes in a marriage it is easy to become stagnant sexually, especially in a long marriage, so it is really important to keep talking, sharing, and experimenting.  If you keep your secret fantasy to yourself, it will only bring you dissatisfaction, so open up and share it with your partner, it might just heat things up in the bedroom for both of you!

So a few questions for you
Do you consider it cheating if your husband secretly watches porn?
If you discovered this, would it make you feel rejected?
Would you be open to trying new things in the bedroom if your partner shared his deepest fantasies?
Are you willing to share YOUR fantasies with him?

Posted in love & sex.

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9 Responses

  1. SapphireSky SapphireSky says

    Exactly! Be his fantasy girl! And if he’s into watching something in the future that you’re not interested in acting out – leave him alone about it. It’s an unnecessary insecurity to feel ” competition” with it. After all he probably wouldn’t feel a sense of competition if he found you masturbating to an image of your favorite movie star right? Or better yet- maybe he would!

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  2. Generic Image Darcy09 says

    Sorry (sort of) to be a spoil-sport.  I do not GET what makes it the woman’s place to mine the incident for information.  What is wrong with this picture?  Great marriage, he is watching porn, he is disengaged at some level and SHE steps in to fix things.  I guess that explains a lot, however I find it troublesome.  When SHE gets tired, cranky, disengaged, etc. etc. will he step in and mine the incident for information on how to make things better?
     

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  3. Generic Image carino says

    Actually, I would enjoy secretly watching my husband watch porn (and pleasuring himself)!
    I don’t think it’s cheating. It’s like a woman fantasizing while making love. Remember that men are visual, and seeing the act rather than imagining it is so much easier.

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  4. Generic Image Contessa says

    People must be very confident in themselves and their partner, and being so, should not be embarassed nor afraid to share their fantasies with one another. That’s where complete trust begins; and sneaking ends!!  (usually)

    If one or the other says they do not agree with the fantasy, are uncomfortable, or it is  physically harmful or hurtful, then you have every right to refuse……and, it should be respected…….
    I feel there is absolutely nothing wrong with waching porn with your husband or boyfriend.  It will only become a problem if one or the other is replacing it with the partner or one or the other is depending on it too much….alone.

    It should or can be a tentilator (if you will) that can enhance your sex life.

    Don’t always let him be the one to choose what you watch.  If it’s going to be watched, you should also live out some of your fantasies. Mine is male to female penetration.  I think there is nothing more beautiful than seeing a man enter the female; and watch as she receives pleasure!! Sometimes depending how well endowed the man is in the porn film, YOUR man may be envious or jealous!!  haha!  But reasure him!! :-)
    I also find that women repress themselves a great deal; and your man might be intimidated to hear of some of YOUR fantasies!!  :-)    

    Where I draw the line, is with pron that shows a woman being used in grossly harsh or abusive situations!     BUT, if you both are into Sub and Dom or whaterver, AS LONG AS IT IS “MUTUAL”(mutual being the operative word)……..Go for it!!

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  5. Generic Image Darcy09 says

    Just color me green.  Would that all husbands were as generous with communication.  Well done!

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