In a response to one of my recent journal entries, Trolleygirl asked me about the challenges of merging households with a significant other. At our age, this can be especially challenging. How do you handle sharing your space with someone every day, after living alone for years? It’s a big adjustment! Here’s some of what Trolleygirl wrote:
“My husband was so afraid that I was going to come in and completely change everything in his house…and that he would not recognize his place. I did make some changes, but kept the things that were important to him. It makes a big difference to have a woman’s touch but not enough for the man to feel like a stranger in his own home.”
Trolleygirl’s comment got me thinking, and I wrote this list of my own tips based my experience of merging households with Russ. Keeping these things in mind helped me and Russ stay sane and in love.
- Detach.
You’ve got too much stuff anyway, and you know it. Acknowledge that there’s a lot that’s got to go. Edit your half of the equation as much as possible before attempting the big merge. - Remember that you’re partners, not rivals.
You’re in this together now. It’s not a competition. Your stuff is not intrinsically better than his, or vice versa. - Hold space for “sacred cows.”
There are lots of things that are important to each of you, even if not “valuable” in terms of either aesthetics or money. Honor them. - Be practical.
When there are duplications, whether it’s a dining room table or a colander, stand back with as much objectivity as possible and ask, “Which one works better?” - Take a step back.
There’s no rush. If you hit a sticking point, back off, lay low, and wait it out. Remember that both of you are doing a lot of adjusting. One person’s turf is being “invaded” and the other is feeling homeless and in need of a “nest.” As each settles in a solution will usually present itself. - Be open to trial and error.
Nothing is written in stone. Think of the merging process as an ongoing experiment. Be willing to at least try to eat on Aunt Tilly’s dinner plates. Keep an open mind. Again, it’s only stuff!
Have you merged households successfully with a significant other? Share your own tips by adding a response below!
Sarah:
Thanks for these dos and dont’s. All good suggestions. However, if I had it to do all over again (merge two households) we would sell both houses and buy a ‘mutual’ place. I sold my house and moved into his. His stuff was there and we had to ‘merge’ my stuff.
Now, can you address the question of having someone around 24/7? (Again, it would be great to hear from Russ too.)
Well, I know what you mean about having someone around 24/7, it is different, and takes some adjusting. I remember when my then father in law retired, my ex-mother in law’s biggest complaint was having to feed her him 3 meals a day! Russ and I are both pretty self sufficient – that goes for meals as well as other departments. If I’m making a sandwich, I’ll ask if he wants one too. Frequently, the answer is no – he often skips meals – I don’t!. If the timing doesn’t work out, he fends for himself without a thought. We tend, during the day, to do our own thing without a lot of conversation about it. I think we’ve both lived independently for so long, we just naturally self-start. I could be painting, writing, cooking, etc, while he’s doing research on the computer or – at the farm – working outside most of the day. We just go about our business, checking in every now and then when our paths cross during the day, or if there’s a lull on either end. Neither of us is expecting to tag along with the other, so there’s no sense of rejection when that doesn’t happen. So far, it hasn’t been a problem. In fact I like that he’s around in the background somewhere, but feel perfectly comfortable to plan my days as I see fit – though if I need him, or he needs me for something or other, we’re there for each other. Sometimes we plan a trip to town together, or an outing of some kind. As I said, so far it’s been a good balance. I think the key is some level of assumed autonomy. The whole “Us” thing is all very well and good, and certainly important as a big picture concept, but so is the ongoing permission for each to maintain their status as individuals.
I am working on getting Russ to write a segment giving his point of view on the whole ‘story’ – so stay tuned!
Before anyone moves—sell, sell, sell, sell, sell. And give away, and throw away. Go out together and purchase items together. It is hard, but don’t make the mistake I did which was to move across country with all my stuff, find out there really isn’t enough room to put it all in, and have a 2-car garage full of boxes. And his stuff in the house already and also in boxes. We had been married to each other before (36 years ago), so we both didn’t think it would be all that hard. But it is. And stuff really isn’t that important in the long run.
I moved in with a man 6 years ago, and we were married after 2 years of living commonlaw. He had been divorced and his wife took everythng, so it was easy for me! I moved in all my furniture and slowly we got rid of the furniture he had accumulated after his divorce. He had no sentimental value on any of this furniture.
But when I looked in his clothes closet, I noticed he had a lot of clothes from the 70″s and he was very proud that they still fit him! (He has always been very slim) When he was at work, every once in a while I would throw an article of clothing in the garbage. And I would tell him a few months later, he said, “I know!” He didn’t mind at all, and he now has an amazing wardrobe, and is still as slim and handsome as ever!
Shelley
Shelley – Don’t you love it when it turns out to be easier than you thought? Easier than you feared, might be more accurate! Sounds like everything has turned out wonderfully for you and your “still slim” guy – so great to hear. I’ve been thinking about that 2 year mark myself – nine months away for me. I agree it’s wise to wait at least 2 years before jumping into another marriage – at this age, what’s the rush?
Love the post! At not-quite 52yrs. old I moved half-way across the country, moved in with my partner. I had sold my home on the east coast and given away most of everything else I had (I had planned downsizing anyway then this move came up…suddenly!). Five months later we moved back east…further east!..looking for a new home and running two businesses in a resort area. Coming up for celebrating 13yrs. together things have gone pretty well…found the home and eventually got out of the businesses. I think one of the keys to success is remembering we each had lives ‘before this one’ and though she is twelve years younger than I am, bearing in mind each is very much her own person…we’re not two halves of a whole! Combine that with two very strong personalities and opinions the sparks could fly…but they don’t. Respect for the individual’s choice is number one. Don’t have to like it but respect it as being hers/his, doesn’t have to be yours. Here’s the worst thing…she is a workaholic while I am now..umm…retired (with sixteen animals at home I don’t exactly spend my days on the couch eating bon-bons but hope springs eternal!) and she insists on getting up at at 4:30am six days a week to be at her place of business…three hours before opening at nine. All well and good…except the older she is becoming and while still insisting on setting that damn alarm for silly o’clock, she now appreciates the snooze button. Entirely too much! I think she hits it twice, often three times before struggling to get up. All suggestions to set it for, perhaps, an hour later meet with stubborn resistance and a list of reasons such as increase in traffic, school buses, loss of quiet time to do necessary paper-work etc. etc. Problem being…I hear the alarm each time and I don’t have to be awake let alone get up. Saturdays are worse for the wake-up alarm isn’t changed…she just has (and takes advantage of!) not having to get up until six. Which is why I end up wandering around the rest of the day like a half-shut knife. And so I think…think…I will welcome when she is around 24/7 and neither of us will have to be concerned with the snooze button. Given this is the only real problem we have…guess we are lucky!
Sounds like you’ve got a good thing going, so I would vote that the whole early alarm business is a small price to pay. As you say, she’ll get over it sooner or later – all the rush rush adreneline of that fast paced business world. Isn’t it nice to be on the other side? Whew. Funny, But, you get there when you get there, and obviously she’s not through. I think you have to prove to yourself that you can do it – compete and succeed. Then you can finally relax – bon bons and all! Thank you for sharing your story. all the best – Sarah
We “merged” about 1 1/2 years ago – both had lost long-time spouses. He sold his well-decorated bachelor house in a subdivision and moved into my 125 year-old, needs-plenty-of-work house in the historic district of a small town outside a large city. He still works (at 72) a full 40-hour week about a hour away. After he has breakfast and with lunch in hand, he leaves and I have the house to myself. Seems to be working for us – and we love our time together on weekends and vacations. The big stuff (furniture, etc.) was easy – we’re still comng to terms with old memories – books, cards, tools, holiday decorations…..but we’re slowly working it out and it isn’t taxing the relationship – just seems there’s not ever enough time for everything.
He loves to garden and do yard work – I love my kitchen garden and cooking – we both love to decorate but let the house make those decisions for us – Amazing how an old house can talk to you.
One of the most important activities for us has been to create memories that are OURS – to read new books together, see new movies, go places neither of us have been, eat at new restaurants, and buy new stuff (plants, pictures, decorations) we select together.
Wouldn’t have life any other way (and btw – we met on Craig’s List)
Grandma Len – This is great. I love that you new love are working through this with patience and ease. No sense of emergency or turf guarding – sounds very loving and co-operative. My favorilt line is, “..we both love to decorate, but let the house make those decisions for us. Amazing how and old house can talk to you.” You’re so right. But it’s also amazing how many people can’t hear it.
And, last but not least, et’s have a cheer for internet dating!
I can’t cheer for internet dating but I’m really happy for those of you who can. Sometimes it can work out. As for someone around 24/7 I lived like that for a while and didn’t like it at all. Too much face time as they say. It’s nicer when someone says “Honey I’m home.” rather than thinking “Why are you still home?” ha ha!
I like the idea of a whole new space however. I think that is smart and casuses less sense of “what have you done / or are doing to my home?” Start over if you can.
Gail – Hi! I’ve read some of your posts re failed attempts at internet dating. Bummer. Maybe Grandma Len and I just lucked out, I’m willing to grant you that one. But lord knows I for one am grateful for the magic of E-Harmony!
I also agree that it would be hard to be joined at the hip with someone 24/7 after living independantly for so long (12 years for me). Though Russ doesn’t work out in the world, as does Grandma L’s guy, he is busy doing his own thing almost every day, as I do mine. We pass each other duing the course of a day with a wave or a hug or a ‘did you rememer to….”, sometimes share lunch, or late in the day a tea/coffee. It’s great. I have a freind who says she can no longer imagine having to share a bed with another human (and she’s not even talking about the sex part, just the tossing, light on light off, blanket tug of wars etc) I happen to love it. Not that it doesn’t involve a little compromise. We have to downstairs to read if either is wakeful in the middle of the night, and I suffer through the ongoing indignities of my “snore guard” mouthpiece (ugg!) But it’s worth it. Maybe it has to do with how I feel about him in particular. Sort of like the way I was willing and happy to change diapers and all sorts of things for my own children, but would otherwise not have found diaper changing exactly joyous.
I do, however, agree, that if possible a new joint house would be the gold standard for creating the ground for a new relationship. But when that’s not doable for any number of reasons, you tackle the joining of forces from a different angle – one that certainly requires a higher level of diplomacy. Good practice though, don’t you think?
Thanks so much for this post. At 50, and 5 years post-divorce, I met the love of my life and moved into his place two months ago. This entailed me leaving my lovely apartment in the city for his house in a subdivision WAY out of town. (eventually we’ll move back into town, but for now the housing market won’t allow him to get out from under the house.) The two of us are managing the merge fairly well. His best friend was surprised that he’d given me carte blanche to decorate, saying that he usually was very particular about everything. (I haven’t seen that side of him myself.)
The only problem has been on my side, not feeling like it is “MY” space. Part of that has to do with having two rooms stuffed with boxes that haven’t found a place yet. (and no, I cannot get rid of my books or yarn stash, thank you very much!) At first, I was reluctant to move or adjust anything in “his” house. He had no problem with it, it was just me. Now I realize that the last bit of discomfort will go away when we get my office set up and I have a creative space again.
It has been an adjustment, but it is so worth it to be with him, although I hadn’t thought about how difficult it would be before making the leap.
By the way, we met on-line, too. In fact, after a couple of years of really un-wonderful encounters, I’d decided that the coffee date with him was going to be the last before I gave up on it completely. Lucky for me that I waited that extra couple of weeks before tossing in the towel.
This is such a timely post for me! God works in strange ways and I am sure His hand is in my reading this today. I am 51, 2 years post-divorce after almost 30 years of marriage. I was born and raised in one city but now find myself in week number three in a completely different one living in someone else’s house without my family or friends. I feel exactly the way all of you did . . . and I am glad to see if I give this some time, it can work out. Just like Nanknits, the problems are mine . . . not his. The boxes are everywhere without a permanent place to be (lots of duplicates!). I feel like maat45 does about the snooze on the alarm every day since I also gave up my job to come here, but what I am really going to aspire to is feeling like Sarah . . . remembering we are both independent, not to keep feeling like I need to be included in everything so that I don’t feel rejected and above all, accept that the key should be some level of assumed automony. Such great advice! I just wanted to thank you all for sharing.
I”m a firm believer in the adage< “There are no accidents”! And it’s always great to hear that something said has helped someone else. Keep the faith, it takes awhile to transition, but you’ll get there.
What’s the old saying? “Everything in it’s own good time” – or something like that. You WILL get through the box stage, and how wonderful that he feels secure and comfortable enough with you to give you free rein to make “adjustments” to his home. Not as easy as it sounds, so don’t take it for granted, or miss the compliment. Russ said something to me like, “I knew when you started moving furniture, painting, hanging pictures, that you were settling in, claiming it as your. Like a dog turning in circles before he can make a proper bed.” Cute.
Thank God you went on that one last met him on-line coffee date!
I realize reading this, that if this situation ever happens to me I want it to be something where each partner feels as if their space is being enhanced with the expansion of love and not as if one of us is invading, or an invader!
That is a great way to put it! I’ve been seeing this fella for 9 months now and spend every weekend at his place (and many evenings) but I’m still too much like a visitor having to watch where I put my glass, etc. (He’s a bit finicky) And though I have my tolietries there, God forbid I leave something else there. Hmmm, maybe I need to rethink this.
Glad to read this topic and all of your stories. I’m particularly interested in how those who are widowed maintain space to honor their time with their previous mate. I don’t mean keeping a “shrine” up in the living room with lots of pictures, just what works for people who are creating new living space together. Right now my partner and I are fine with each having our own houses. We are ages 54 and 56; I’m widowed, he’s divorced. He has kids who visit periodically. My husband and I had no kids.
I like the idea of a rancher/rambler style house with “zones” as I call them. There’s a central area for sofas, tv, open to the dining area. On one end of the house are sleeping and office areas for the couple. (us) On the other end is a bonus or “great” room for crafts, hobbies, bookshelves and a reading area with extra couch. In the basement is a guest room with a second bath, and there’s plenty of storage and open area.
Once in awhile for fun, my guy and I go to open houses or peek in windows with for-sale signs, and once we found a house that matched exactly that. I explained to him that I will need a private space to be in, to be creative or ponder, and even take a nap by myself. He was surprised at such a description of a house, but the more we talked about what it would be actually like to bring two households together, at age 50+, he liked the idea too. If we do live under one roof someday, it will be a house with main floor living, but he definitely wants a basement to fill with his old books, fish tank, stuff from when his kids were growing up. He loves basements. So, actually we do each want our own spaces to revisit our prior lives and be with furniture and keepsakes from the past, yet we both want to start new and have some neutral space that isn’t connected to our pasts but the “now” we will create.
So far, this is all just talk and what-if with a tentative time frame of “someday” and I’m just fine with that. But reading your ideas here of what works for merging households is very helpful. Great topic!
I’d say you’re well on your way. You’re onto something – instinctivley imagining a space to hold your pasts and presents, your togetherness as well as your separateness. This is good. You will find it (or it will find you!) when the time is right. And I love that you sound open to, but not clutching at, the next phase. Enjoy this one. It’s easier to shuffle ideas than furniture and boxes!
Hi There Sarah, and thank you for your response. I had lost track of this discussion…and VN and now here it is end of summer. I’m settled into my own “new” (smaller) house, having moved from the one I shared with my husband. This has been a difficult summer, as I truly miss and appreciate the 32 years I was with him. But I knew I needed a transitional house, just “mine” including keepsakes from the past, things he and I jointly owned and cherished, plus my own self-chosen items that don’t have memories attached.
The guy I wrote about and I, we’re still “going together” and still have the same long term plan. It’s interesting in that we each have our individual homes now, that we haven’t shared with a spouse. He has helped me with some of the fix-ups.
With me having this new place, he has an opportunity to see my decor style, how I arrange books, what’s on the walls, how I like to have some quiet space with no TV or electronics, which is very different from his house. He loves the idea of an entertainment room and/or “man cave” and I’m fine with that, as long as it’s at the other end of the house from my “serenity room.” :) Something we both agree on is wanting a shaded, wide front porch. He says he wants to enjoy a porch in his “codger years.” I love it. We could both be out there with our books. But that’s a few years off.
I appreciate that you see me as” open to but not clutching at” the next phase. that is so affirming as I question my self so often. I had a good marriage of 32 years to a man from a very different background…and we were successful at “separateness and togetherness.” He was a bit more introverted than I. Now with my new guy, I’m the introvert! Plus we have each of our pasts to decide about, and how to represent our lives up to this point.
I just hope for some time without illnesses. You can make all the plans in the world, and then some medical problem takes over. That’s what happened with my husband
and why I’m taking things slowly in re-partnering under one roof.
Snickse – It seems to me that you have grade-A instincts so trust them! Don’t undermine and water down with too much analysis (i.e. thinking!) Your intuition/instincts come from an entirely different place – heart, gut, wherever. Don’t you think? (ha!) Sometimes it seems the hardest thing to do learn is Trust. Trusting yourself. Trusting others, even our closest connections. And trusting the “Universe”, or whatever you want to call it. Now there’s a big one. That sickness or heath, better or worse, we will be given exactly what we need and all will be well.
Relax. Yoiu’ll see everything more clearly that way. Besides, my intuition says you’re on exactly the right path.
all the best to you – Sarah
I wrote before but we had a new insight this weekend. We have been married about 1 1/2 years and have lots of unused space on the 2nd floor of an old house – one room is my office and filled with the stuff I use every day and lots of cooking magazines from years and years of collecting – and the other room is large room and a catchall for the things that were brought in when my mother moved in with me 7 years ago. Some of the boxes haven’t even been opened. And in addition, my husband’s stuff from his home-before-Len is in a storage facility we pay for every month.
Now for our revelation – each of us had decided (without input or coersion from the other) that all should be cleared out this month. We’ve cancelled the storage effective the end of the month and the 6 grandkids (ages 11-17) want the 2nd room for themselves. They said they’re getting too old for pallets on the floor in the living room. So, a busy 2 weeks and the 2nd floor is ours – a combination of what ever we find as we sort thru yesterday and make it part of today.
It never fails to amaze me how much alike we think and yet we are so different.
I think that these a wise guidelines. I’d add that having a room of one’s own whether such as an office, a sewing room, a studio, or simply a sitting room, then the one moving in has a place for some stuff that may not merge nicely in the rest of the house.
Annaparie – Yes, I agree. If possible, a space of your own – and one for him – would be a great addition to the list and to any “merging” couple’s lives. Not only does it alow a catch all for things that “don’t merge nicely”, but provides a psychological support to the all important concept of autonomy. Even though I may have fallen short of the mark earlier in life, at this point I hope to hold on to some hard won sense of myself as separate and whole. Someone who has chosen to partner with another separate but whole grown up person. Russ and I live in a relatively small house, so for me, it’s our bedroom – large enough for my desk – where I retreat for private space. Or my wonderful, though necessarily off-season studio, in the breezeway of the main house here on the farm (we rent it out in the summer). As much as I love Russ, it’s fabulous to be off alone and painting in “my” studio!