- Challenge yourself.
You can choose from two paths when your nest empties. The first is to keep doing what you were doing and there are big holes where what you were doing was parenting. The second, happier path is to set yourself a challenge. Ask yourself, “What else would I like to do?” The answer might be read a novel a week, take a class, learn to cook Indian food, or join a choir. There are lots of opportunities out there.
- Take time to grieve.
I don’t believe in the notion of, “Well, now that he or she is gone, I’m going to have a lesson every night and I’m never going to sit still.” I’m wary of people who address the empty nest by scheduling things 24/7. I think we need time to miss our children. The only way to recover in a vibrant way is to give ourselves time to grieve because we love them–and they’re gone. The key is to strike a balance.
- Be interesting.
As I like to tell my daughter, I think it’s my responsibility to always be interesting enough that she’s going to want my company. I won’t earn that just by sitting there and missing her! I want to be someone she would like to talk to, someone that anyone in their 20′s or 30′s is going to want to talk to. So I read the newspaper, go online, and keep up with what’s going
on. That way when my kid says, “Did you read about…” there’s a chance I’ll know what she’s talking about. Or I can send her something about a subject she’s interested in and say, “Did you read about this?” - Reach out to your community.
Don’t buy into the stereotype of the lonely, wistful, now-what person. Instead, decide what you want to do and find resources in your community to support that. Get involved in volunteer work. Attend concerts and book readings. One woman I know went to the library and noticed there was nothing on the bulletin board for empty nesters–so she created her own group. Now she literally has a corner of the library devoted to her empty nest group. They have readings, speakers, programs and volunteer groups. And all the women in that community who choose to do so now have a new aspect of their lives!
- Observe the 18-week rule.
It took 18 years to get to this point, so give yourself at least 18 weeks before you do something drastic. People get a little crazy; life doesn’t feel the way it used to, so they look around for someone to blame for their distress and the closest target is usually the guy sitting next to them on the couch. They blame their husband and get a divorce, or they sell their homes the minute the children leave for college. My advice: Don’t rush into anything.
- Make a self-centered goal list.
After you’ve given yourself time to feel what you’re feeling, make yourself a goal list and be, not selfish, but self-centered. Figure out what you want to do for you, which may not be something that you considered when you were a full-time parent. For 18 years you’ve been focused on your family, but eventually you begin to remember what you used to enjoy doing–and what you’d like to develop in yourself a bit more.
- Don’t abuse technology.
Today, we have no many new options for staying in touch: we can text, email, video chat, or call our child on our cell phones–but that doesn’t mean we have to use them. Monitor your use of technology so that you’re not basically in the room with your kids all the time. Constantly getting in touch is a form of nagging, and may send the message to your children that you have no confidence in their ability to survive on their own.
- Tell them you miss them.
As long as you don’t do it all the time, it’s fine to tell one’s child, “I’m missing you so terribly today, and I just wanted to hear your voice.” Our children like to know that we love them and miss them; they just don’t like to hear it constantly because then they feel guilty.
- Be an active listener.
This is much harder than it sounds–and I say that as someone who listens for a living! We need to listen to our children, download, without necessarily judging or fixing, which is our instinct. Sometimes they just want to talk and then they’re done and feel much better. You may be a wreck, but they’ve sorted something out just because you were there to listen to it! I think empty nesting is all about modulation–learning to put parenting into a lower gear.
- Rediscover the little things
I believe it’s the small daily things that sustain you over time. It’s not, “I’m going to sell the house and dye my hair blonde, join an ashram and find enlightenment.” It’s a question of looking back at your life and asking yourself, “What are the components that matter to me? What are the couple of adventures I’d like to have? How can I put all of this together and feel that I have a new foundation?”
For me and my husband, there was no big watershed event where I could say, “Now that our daughter is gone we can do X and we’re totally happy.” Instead, it has been lots of nice little things that we build together.
What advice do you have for a friend who is dreading her empty nest? Share it below–you may win a FREE COPY of Karen’s new book!
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Sounds very interesting.
Spike, you are awesome! Love your perspective, thanks for sharing.
Hi
My best advice would be get involved in your community. My daughter has been out of the house for quite a while now, but I went thru a move, and then empty nest all within a 3 year time frame. Getting involved with a singles volunteer group was a lifesaver! I enjoyed the volunteering and was so very lucky to make some wonderful like minded friends.
After caregiving my daughter (with MS) for 13 years I looked forward to an empty nest to get back to my husband. I just wanted to start giving him all the attention he deserves. We have been alone for about 9 months now and enjoying every bit of it! Take time to get to know one another again….do things for eachother, show you care, leave notes, make coffee, serve him in bed, bring him the paper, surprise him with a favorite meal, do the little things you used to when you were first together, date eachother! Bring the romance back!
I say get out of that house, get involved in some things you have always wanted to do. Take a room in your house and turn it into space for you to have private time, exercise, do beading or scrapbooking or whatever interests you. Adopt a shelter animal and give it lots of love and a new life!
I thought it would be unbearable when my daughter married and moved away then I ended up rasing her son. He is almost 18 and looking forward to big things to happen since he is grown Ha Ha. I thought I could not handle this one getting ready to leave and he is joing the Army reserves. At first again I felt I could not handle it but I am finding I am getting ready for him and he is gone alot now so I have a cat that requires lots of love. I give my time and love to the cat and I believe if we shift our emotions to something else we are not left out just left with more time for ourselves and being older enjoying the noise level down. While we still are allowed to feel sad at times we also get to watch the excitement of their new lives growing. The difference for us is we finally get to sit down.
I have found being an empty nester is a wonderful time of transition in life. Yes, it does take a while to get used to the idea, but look at it as a positive thing. You now have acquired all that wisdom in successfully raising children – which is no small task! This accomplishment should give you confidence to redirect those skills to benefit others.
There is a delicious freedom in turning the page of your life’s book and seeing it blank, ready to fill with new things. Now is the time to discover and work at what you love. Because when you work at what you love, it gives you satisfaction and joy, along with renewed energy, and you have significant positive influence on others around you.
For me, I figured out there are a couple things I have a passion for. One – to be an entrepreneur, and two – to help others find ways to make money doing things they love. So as an empty nester, I have begun a business called Creative Career Paths, to help others like you find that next thing in their life.
Sherrie Porterfield
http://www.creativecareerpaths.com/
Upbeat, positive, and not wildly out of the realm of doing! Thank you. Perspective is everything, and I’m trying to focus on the” current possibilities in life” (from my current reading of Its Not All in Your Head) I liked your response very much, as I really didn’t think I would run across feelings of being “an empty nester”, but I have and I do! MS diagnosis 12+ years ago, a 22 and 24 year old, and a husband that has just lately decided he wants a career change…a marriage in our back yard this summer of a niece that lives out here; I could go on, but you get the drift…Yikes!!!
Okay, now it is the opposite. I’m the one that asked for things to do in England as my son is visiting his aunt and uncle. He’s there now, and …I, we (my husband) do not miss him. Yes, we laugh more when he’s here; his dog (my beagle now) is more sedate. True, my son and husband are like oil and water and sonny is a picky eater. But even with the older ones (who are not my biological children) it’s like out of sight, out of mind. I guess I want to ask, ”Is this bad?”
I do not believe that this is a bad thing. You devoted all of your attention and time to your son. He is gone now and out on his own doing his own thing. It is your time. You deserve it and it’s time to enjoy your new found freedom.
When you visit him or he visits you then you can lavish attention on him and he can on you too. He has his friends now. You have fun and enjoy the time you have to get things done that you did not have time for when he was at home. Find something that you enjoy a hobby and have fun. You did your duty as a mother, now it’s time to do as you wish and have fun doing it. Never feel guilty for wanting and enjoying time alone with your husband as well as time for yourself.
Schedule regular “girlfriend getaways”. And by all means make them fun!
Hi Diana
I am lucky enough to have a group of 20+ women that meet for brunch once a month on Sundays, sometimes at a restuarant or sometimes at someone’s home. The number that can show up always varies except at Christmas time when we all try to get together. It is so great to get together with them. We vary in jobs, economic status, married, divorced, and few that have never married,but we all have something to share. In two weeks six of us are going camping–which should be full of laughter to see how a group of women do.
Share your grief with someone else; husband, friend, relative. After your initial “daily cries”, watch a favorite DVD with someone, a “feel good” movie!
Hi,
Both of my sons left for college this year and it has taken me awhile to realize I am sad…and I am longing. For something, I don’t know what yet. The hardest part is to not rush into “doing”, any kind of doing…making lists, going out, joinging groups. But more to just let myself be with this sadness and longing. Rather like that Billie Holliday song: “Good Morning, heartache…” It’s easy for me to jump into distraction, which is not the same as something organically emerging. It’s just scarier for me to wait and trust that something will emerge for me and that it will be an authentic desire.
I always have to remind myself that an empty nest is not something to “fix” or “do something about”, but rather an experience I carry with me, in the silence, in the stillness, and the everyday moments of my life.
Thanks for your thoughts, ideas…they are comforting.
Susan
Go for long walks & redisocver the joys of nature. Now that you have extra time, slow down & use it well.
Thanks for sharing the tips, Karen. Yes, I too see in my Empty Nest Support Services connections with parents. that we need it to simply be ok to feel what we feel and not compare ourselves to others. NO one needs to go through this major life transition alone. On the other side is a wonderful new freedom that we use to wish for when our children were pulling on us and schedules were full. I remember a mother of a six year old said to me, “I can’t figure out how to do something for me when I know I have to go back and be that mom to her again and I only really have a few hours of freedom.” I use to struggle with that as well. Each of us has passions that naturally went dormant because life only has so much time and energy. When the house gets silent, that inner pulse awakens, but never in a straight line. I think it is helpful to lower unrealistic expectations, practice focusing back on yourself, and count to five before emailing, texting, doing the Instant Message because they too are trying to move into a more independent role away from home. I use to have that cellphone velcroed to me for fear I would miss a call from her that first semester, three thousand miles away at college. I just wanted to hear how her day was going, like I use to hear. Key there, it won’t be like how it use to be and it will grow to be great. Many adults are on the journey of reinventing their roles and passions and we can support each other with ideas and with compassion. It isn’t without tears or inertia but it is worth knowing in time you will find new meaning beyond running errands to fill the void. Although, if that helps , go for it. You know yourself and will be excited about the new parts you forgot or never had a chance to know. I found my writer, again, after she was asleep since my early school days before marriage and children. I miss the vibrancy that youth fills in the house, but honestly I love my music and my hanes t shirt , bare legs, since no kids are popping over. I found my rhythm of my day and evening and I like it and at the same time, I get excited when she is coming back home for a visit..cooking, hiking, chats and her friends in the kitchen and just hearing how she thinks and feels about life. Can’t believe she is a college graduate . I have learned to let her lead and me be in the background. Not easy, but they do get to define the relationship as far as connection and time once they leave for college, work, marriage, etc. I don’t think anyone wrote the book called what to expect when you weren’t expecting your kids to treat you that way!. Big part we lost is how to play…so here’s to playing outside this summer and having fun. Natalie Caine
I have 3 children that all had left home and made their own family or a life on their own as an adult. I engaged in several different things since I seemed to have tons of free time on my hands and I was quite lonely when all of the children had gone.
I went back to work for one. Making extra money that I could use as I pleased as most of it was not having to be used on bills and the like. My husband had been making more than enough to cover these things for years.
I went out and bought new clothes for myself. I decided to buy things that were made for a person younger than my age. It made me feel so much better and just having nice dressy things put a spring in my step.
I also joined the womens auxillary. They do many things for many different causes and enjoy a pot luck meal once a week. The meetings are nice and there are many people to talk with that are on the same level as I am mentally. It is also a nice place for my husband and I to go to together as he is a memeber of the VFW.
I also managed to further keep myself busy since we have tons of books and running out of places to stash them that I took one of the childrens bedrooms and made it into a library. I built shelves all on one of the longer walls. First I redid the walls and the floor.
With the floor I ripped out all of the carpet and sanded the wood several times starting with a rough sand paper going down to the finest they have. Then I put stain the color of medium oak over all of the wood. It then got 3 good coats of exterior varathane on it as this is water proof and tougher than the interior brand.
I put wall paper halfway down the walls, the kind that has a raised design on it. The wall paper was solid white and I took paint a color that is a kind of medium grayish color. This was lightly brushed over the raised part of the paper. It gave it depth as well as a dash of color to matching some other things that I planned to do in the room. The bottom part of the wall now dons a nice medium dark paneling all the way around the room, with a type of desk rail going around where the paneling and the wall paper meet. I got the baseboards to go around the bottom at the floor as well as the ceiling and wall sides where they meet.
For the rest of the room I put curtains on the window that matches the paint and I recovered the seat and back on a desk chair for that room to match as well. I put a beautiful roll top desk in that use to belong to my mother. There are nice pictures on the walls along with some of my husbands achievement awards that he earned in the Navy. That completes this room. For the other room I redecorated it as a guest room so that no matter who came they would feel very comfortable there. I put in a small desk and chair set with stationary and a variety of different books on the shelf that is on the bottom of the desk. There is also a couple of different boxes of writing paper and envelopes just in case they want to write something or read while in “their” room for a visit.
Last but certainly not least, I joined several social networking sites online. I have made many friends there and my spare time is used posting. We blog and post things in answer to questions that others have about many different things. I can post a discussion of my own to get responses to. We talk about everything, just anything you can imagine and someone brings it up. It’s a lot of fun and I make a little money doing it. I also have taken my digital picture taking to a new level. I can post them online for others to see and to buy if they like one or more that they wish to download for themselves.
These are the things I did and still do the posting and taking pictures to keep busy when the children are not here visiting or I’m not visiting them. I must stay busy or I think I’ll go crazy with too much free time on my hands.
Thanks for the tips and overview here Karen. I’ve been trying to focus on living a fuller richer life by making sure my life is balanced in multiple areas. And keeping active in all these areas – and how that richness helps my health – mental and body.
I picked up 7 ideas for where to focus your life here, it’s helped me.
As much as I loved having and raising my 3 children, I am very much enjoying having some space from them. Sometimes, when I am snuggled up in bed with my husband softly snoring beside me, I think : “It’s so peaceful and quiet. No one is coming and going at odd hours. The phone doesn’t ring at 2 am.”
Katrina
It is a new phase of life as was bringing them home as new bundles of joy was. It will take time to adjust to new schedules that fit your lifestyle well just as it did then. Only now you should be able to get a full night’s sleep if the hot flashes don’t wake you!
Take the time to appreciate the changes and explore what you would like to do now that you have accomplished both giving them roots and wings! With today’s economy they may be home sooner than you think!
I think an empty nest is more difficult for a single parent with an only child. I was so sad when my son moved out, eventhough it was just across town. My house didn’t seem like my home anymore, I didn’t even want to be here. But as the weeks passed I realized I haven’t really lost a child, instead I have gained a good friend. He is always willing to help if I really need it, more so than when he lived here. We go for hikes, revisting places we used to go when he was little. And we have more to talk about — he has his own life now. Eventhough I worry how he is going to make it in the big world; I tell myself if I could do it, he can surely do it!
As a single mom of an only child there were some definate fears of the impending empty nest. However in the last year that fear has been reduced significantly. What happened ? I realized that I had a life beyond her and I also realized I didn’t want to be involved in the drama some young adult seem to thrive on. I was tiring of the pace of trying to meet her schedule. I realized it was insulting for me to not “cut her loose”, it was saying that she was not capable of making it on her own. I raised her with all the tools necessary to become an self sufficient independent person. It is a natural process of life…and that’s what works for me. Accepting the process, and allowing other things to come into my life to fulfill me and what I want out of life as a self sufficient indepenent person. So as the house becomes quieter, and less cluttered
, as the closet become roomier, I have time to finish my degrees, cook what I want to have for dinner-or not, and just enjoying the stillness of the (not really) so empty nest.