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Surviving divorce after 50: 4 steps back to the real you Most Liked Hot Conversation

Recovering from divorce after a long marriage is a daunting assignment, to say the least. The loss of self esteem can be immobilizing as we try not to feel like an utter failure. All those years invested in the wrong man!

Divorce After 50: How to Save Yourself and Lose Him
6 keys to help you survive (even thrive) when a long-term marriage ends

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There is a way back, but it’s not for the lazy or sad. Starting out with the right attitude is imperative. Take stock of what you have to feel good about. You have your health, your children, your teeth, his car… Be prepared to reach into your emotional mothballs and rediscover the happiest, smartest, cutest, funniest and most alluring version of yourself. You are only four steps away from being the real you again.

  1. Find your strength.

    Only when you can feel the physical strength of your body will you begin to engage that same strength emotionally. Ladies, at our age, we must lift weights, stretch, work out and exercise every day. Lifting weights and strengthening the torso so that you can hold your shoulders up will prevent that pesky little hump from forming on your back, and give you a stronger, more youthful posture and a whole new attitude.

    Wait until you begin to see what impact you can create when you walk with confidence and strength. When you feel strong, you think differently about yourself and make better choices. People will treat you differently and look at you from a different perspective. Pull your shoulders back and lift up your chin. You are no longer invisible!

  2. Divorce After 50: How to Save Yourself and Lose Him
    6 keys to help you survive (even thrive) when a long-term marriage ends

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  3. Do something symbolic.

    Sometimes, just doing some sort of ritual act can create the feeling that you have left your former life behind you and moved on. It’s another way of opening the door to your future. This step is probably a little different for everyone. Here’s what I did: I took an armload of my husband’s 8×10 glossy publicity photos to the parking lot of our favorite restaurant and I burned them. Seeing his lying cheating face go up in smoke did wonders for my morale and allowed me to feel completely disconnected from him and the life we shared. My friend tossed her wedding ring into the river to accomplish the same feeling and then, in a more aggressive act of symbolism, my mother cut the crotch out of all her husband’s pants. What a woman! Create your own private revenge and move on!

  4. Learn something new.

    At first glance, this might seem like an insignificant effort. It is not. Challenging yourself physically and mentally is crucial to feeling alive and in the flow of life. You must not allow yourself to fall for the notion that your best years are behind you.

    I learned how to dance the West Coast Swing. Not only did it give me something to do at night as an alternative to Internet dating and the bar scene, but it took two inches off my waist. If dancing isn’t your cup of tea, why not take an art class, or learn how to cook Thai food? We’ve all had the experience of thinking that someday, when we finally have the opportunity, we’re going to do that one thing we always wished for but never had the time to pursue. Now is the time. Now is your time!

  5. Divorce After 50: How to Save Yourself and Lose Him
    6 keys to help you survive (even thrive) when a long-term marriage ends

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  6. Reinvent your life.

    Most of the women I know in their fifties and sixties raised husbands and children, devoting their own lives to the well-being of their families. Careers were put aside, priorities shifted. Well, now it’s time to make your life about you!

    Try a new hair color and update your wardrobe. Did you have a husband whose idea of travel was the distance between the sofa and the refrigerator? It has become so easy for women to travel alone or in groups. Go to Italy! Do you still want that degree you never got? Matriculate!

    Don’t forget for one moment that you are smarter than you ever have been. Yes, we’ve had to surrender some badges of our youth for this moment, but then again, who in their right mind wouldn’t trade perky breasts for wisdom and confidence? Therein lies your allure. What is sexier than a smart, confident woman who has not retired from life? You are free, and it’s not too late to become the person you always wanted to be. Now get out there and GO GIRL!


How did you survive divorce after 50? Share your advice in the discussion below.

Divorce After 50: How to Save Yourself and Lose Him
6 keys to help you survive (even thrive) when a long-term marriage ends

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Rest assured, we don't send spam and your info is never shared with 3rd parties.

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Posted in live it! lists, love & sex.

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57 Responses

  1. Generic Image amanda.frazier2@gmail.com says

    It is very difficult when all the money you had is going with my marraige. Some of the money was used for something I cannot talk about right now and the reasoning behind my current situation is financial. I feel I am entitled to certain $$$ from certain institutions that started the rippling effect which landed my marriage and a child in a horrible situation that cannot be resolved.
    To do the right thing will be cutting my nose off to spite my face and only one email mentioned the price to me and nothing else has been said. So all I can feel at the monent is that it is all a trick. So I must step back and review the situation and decied to sell the information in order that I may survive in my 50 and 60′s.

    4 like

    • Generic Image pmc says

      AMANDA FR.where do you live? If IN MY AREA iD BE ABLE TO HELP YOU.

      TALK TO A PASTOR. WAS your husband in the service? YOU CAN SEE A CONSELOR THERE,OR A CHSPLIN. JUST get all the GOOD advice you can?

      GOOD LUCK,PMC

      3 like

  2. Judy Steinberg Judy Steinberg says

    Dear Amanda,
    This sounds very complicated. Maybe you should seek some legal advice.

    1 like

  3. Generic Image vintageallure says

    In my own case, I never received closure in the marriage, which made it take 5 years to get over him! Now, I am in process of changing my name so that I won’t be reminded of him every day even though I carried his name for 20 years and my maiden name for only 21 a very long time ago! I’m way over him now, and didn’t even call him when one of our beloved little dogs died last week. I am going to our 40th reunion in Atlanta next month, and I hope that I do not see him while I am there! This took time, but he made himself obnoxious enough that I finally got over him and am moving on at 70 miles per hour.

    I would like to live in Atlanta! Where I live, there are no men. They’re all alcoholics, whether recovering or active – because there is NOTHING to do here. I am wary of alcoholics because of my family history. I need to stay here to take care of my elderly parents. I won’t even be marriagable any more by the time I get to Atlanta. I so long for a man in my life!

    7 like

    • gail maria gail maria says

      I don’t have a divorce to report but a break up that is surprisingly sending me into a down, down, down spiral.  I feel strong for days and then collapse.  He’s taking care of my dog while I travel west with my son to plant him in Seattle for his residency and all I can focus on is how the dog will love him more by the time I return….that he got everything and I have nothing.  Dumped me for an older woman who he believes will take better care of him and the fact that he just doesn’t love me anymore.  For any of you who read my articles on Vibrant Nation this sure does not sound like the funny/quirky me does it????  Oh there will be humor in it somewhere when it sit down to write about it in hindsight but right now it totally sucks and I cried myself to sleep.  What’s  up with me?  I wasn’t prepared for this at my age.  There’s a book in me dying to come out about him and me but maybe not yet.  I was fine for a couple of weeks and now i’m all weepy again.  But read the above advice and will take it to heart/mind!  

      8 like

      • CBW CBW says

        Oh, I get it.  It happened to me as I was back east burying my mother and dealing with her estate, he met an older woman, began living with her in under 2 months, and when I tried to reconcile, he told me those “bridges were burned” on a 38-yr-marriage.  But he’d hit the jackpot:  A widow several years his senior who is wealthy, lonely and supporting him as his “sugar mama”.  His pension plan has tanked so it’s probably just as well.  Glad (4 yrs later) I don’t have to support him anymore, and our adult kids and I just pray for her continued good health and willingness to keep him out of our hair.  Quite frankly, I never saw this one coming, so I appreciate the shock and hurt that you feel.  I often quote the cliche:  Time heals all wounds and wounds all heels.  I’m waiting. 

        22 like

      • Generic Image vfenwick says

        I never thought i would do  blog anything. (We had) a great life.. 3 wonderful kids. Husband of 30 teacher ..cancer survivor. Now my career has taken off and he is empty and has left four times in a year and filed for divorce.  I have one in college one 13 and am a year later coming out of the fog, but trying to hang on . so I don’t have to pay him spousal support, alimoney etc.  He bought a bright blue volkswagen van, put a tent  on top and an awning and left last summer to find himself.  If you all look out your windows .. i am sure you can see the van.  I never felts such crushing pain.. a year later, my boys are over it. my 13 year old daughter won’t speak to him and it is just a mess. Oh,ps he has no family , and gets high every day.. also cycles 60 miles a day.. that was ramble.. i have so many blessings.. i can’t seem to get it together.  I did not see it coming either.

        13 like

      • Generic Image 173to137 says

        I’m sorry to hear of your pain.  You sound like a wonderful person.  And don’t forget that…it’s easy to do when we’re faced with feelings that we aren’t prepared for.  That other woman should send him back to you.  If she’s smart that is?  Maybe that’s the problem right there.  She may be one of those women that’s deficient in one or maybe all cortexes of the brain.  That’s the way I sum it up anyway!

        7 like

      • MrsB MrsB says

        After I kicked my husband out I concentrated on raising my daughter and making sure she was educated and civil. Then I headed off to work, didn’t matter much where just somewhere to plant my roots for a spell while I devised a plan of action. Keeping work for the income but also attend school by taking one class each term. Pretty soon you’ll have a degree that will promote you to a higher income bracket; that’s the theory anyway. With every divorce comes unfinished personal business. did you finish college, did you travel, what did you put on hold during your marriage. A move to the coast for a spell helped to clear my head and regain a focus. How did I want to spend my retirment years? That’s what I’m focusing on now, along with completing my education. I am so busy that I haven’t had time to concentrate on other people. If that doesn’t work, get busy with a craft, a hobby, exercise, etc. Never look back.

        18 like

      • Generic Image KathieLee says

        My heart is with you Gail. I just found out 4 weeks ago that my husband for 21 years (my anniversary is this coming Sept 16) is in love with someone else and he is leaving me. No warning, no talking nothing just “HERE IT IS” he kept apologizing and telling me he loved me very much but was not “IN LOVE” with me.  Shock, dismay and I feel stupid, embarrassed, ashamed .. I ask myself why too. I haven’t gone for an entire day feeling “up”. I do get through half the day. Maybe next week a full day. I have lost 25 lbs in those 4 weeks and now walking in the early morning so I don’t have to look at him (yes he is still in the house BUT IN THE BASEMENT) I have had everything I own invested into our house, the property we bought, the building we were building there… Just gone POOF!  I will keep the weepy down but allow myself once in a while. Just keep in mind.. they took the cowards way out. They were not man enough to sit down and try to talk about what it took to keep wonderful, beautiful women like us.. their loss I say. one thing… everyone is trying to fix me up and tell me “Just move on.. it is what it is” I don’t want the jerk back. I mourn for someone I considered my close friend. Of course close friends don’t cut your chest open and yank the heart out.. :-)

        56 like

      • Generic Image tennim says

        you don’t  want to be with someone who does not want you -  you are worth more than this -  now is the time to be loving to yourself  -  and in time, you will see that you have not lost much

        28 like

      • Judy Steinberg Judy Steinberg says

        Yes, tennim, what you are saying is valid.  I want Kathie Lee to know how much I identify with her story and the absolute betrayal it represents.  I, too, got a confession from my husband after 20+ years of marriage that he had been a serial cheater throughout.  The loss of that person you considered your best friend, confidant, soul mate, only to be replaced by someone you realize you don’t really know, nor did you ever really know him, can be the hardest part sometimes.  So, take tennim’s advice, Kathie Lee, and love yourself for having been able to believe that the one you loved was who he said he was.  They aren’t all like that.

        16 like

      • dewdropinn2003 dewdropinn2003 says

        I got divorced in April after nearly 38 years of marriage and it is, by far, the best thing I ever did for myself.  I am not going to downgrade my ex and blame him for everything because I am just so grateful to be free that it would not accomplish anything but negativity.  I promised myself I would not date or get involved in a relationship because the first year of freedom is mine…..time for me to get my head and my heart clear and figure out what I really want from the rest of my life.  Thankfully, I have a career and am financially settled, which made it so much easier to move out and on.  I was able to buy a new home, which I love, and I am learning to take one step at a time in this new adventure.  Patience has not always been my long-suit, so taking one step at a time can be very frustrating, because sometimes I would rather run than walk.  There have been some very difficult moments over the past 8 months, but that is all part of the recovery process and the journey of re-self-discovery.  I am learning to like who I am again

        59 like

      • Judy Steinberg Judy Steinberg says

        Hi dewdropinn2003….I’m so impressed with your posting.  You sure sound like you have all your ducks in a row and good for you!  Taking that year for yourself is such a smart decision.  The time you need to prepare and plan for the rest of your life should be first on your list.  Put your new home together just the way you like it and celebrate your own taste and preferences.  It’s your world now, so live every day all the way out.  You are the perfect example of how moving on  becomes the beginning of the new you.  I wish you all the best

         

        9 like

      • Adoptsalot Adoptsalot says

        He dumped you for an …older..woman? Who could take better care of him…?        Girlfriend run!   He wanted a MOMMY not a partner or lover or friend.   Wash this guy right out of your hair.. Much happier days are ahead for you!  And I suspect, a man who can take care of himself and wants to help take care of you.

        7 like

    • CBW CBW says

      Look up old boyfriends from high school or college.  You might be surprised at the reward waiting should you rekindle one of those “friendships”.  Happened to me in that he found me, and life is ever so much better now that we’re a couple again.  Just do it!

      3 like

  4. Generic Image 173to137 says

    Thanks for the pep talk it’s terrific! 

    1 like

  5. Generic Image PamK says

    I am not divorced. . .not yet, anyway – but I sure am thinking about, after 24 years of marriage.  I’m tired of the roller coaster ride. Up one week. Down the next.  Two weeks up.  Three weeks down. It’s got to stop, and I am the one who has to say, “Let me off!!”"

    I’ve written before on this post. My complaint was his browbeating and constant criticism.  So I just shut down. I mean it has been months since we have had a decent conversation.  He reads. I stay busy with my home based business and a young grandchild that I help to care for a couple of days a week.

    Here is the latest offering of his being upset with me:

    My husband is a smoker.  He is highly respected at his job and was recently asked to accompany one of the bosses to check out some new equipment. I have listened to him for days talk about how others at the office seem to be aware that he is being groomed for promotion and how his co-workers seem to be envious. And I’ve had nothing to say except, “well, you’d be the right guy for the job.”   So when he left this morning, I told him how nice he looked and how nice the cologne/aftershave smelled.  But, then I blew it when I asked if he smoked on the way to work. Because you know that you can be wearing Chanel No. 5, if you are a smoker, that’s the scent that everyone gets from you.

    He then proceeded to say that all I ever have to say is something negative about him, with all the stuff going on at work, and how he doesn’t have anybody to talk to.  And he would smoke “if he wanted to.” And that everybody doesn’t have a problem with smokers. . . I told him that yes, they do. . if they are not smokers.

    Actually, I do not complain about him smoking at home because he has never smoked in our house. But he will go out into the garage late at night and smoke. . . and usually my car is in there with the windows rolled down. So annoying!  He doesn’t believe that if we are sitting outside trying to have a conversation that the smoke is still bothersome.  We all know how much we hate to go to a store when an employee is taking his “break” right outside the front door!.

    This is not about him smoking.  This is about how he has no value for any input that I have. And of all the people in my huge family, I am the person who is called on for an opinion or to find a resource to solve a problem, or to make sure that a person/company is reputable, etc. etc.  Everyone else sees value in me!

    So I have shut down.  We would be what you called ‘pillars’ of the community. Our young adult children (his, mine and ours – total of 5) would be just devasted!  My extended family would be devastated. But, I am just tired.  I don’t have the finances for a divorce. All I have is part ownership in the house and a paid for car. My home based biz is doing well and I am a substitute teacher. 

    We are civil to each other most of the time, because most of the time.  .  .

    Miserable in Memphis

     

    8 like

    • Judy Steinberg Judy Steinberg says

      Dear Peggy B:  I wrote a response to your message two weeks ago when it was originally posted.  I have since learned that I was not working the response mechanism correctly and wonder if you received my message.  I was touched by your dilemma and hope that you are finding your way through.

      0 like

    • Generic Image 51 and counting says

      You leave in TN dear– half of what you have together belongs to you. make a list of everything you own and split it. Divorce doesnt have to be expensive or long and drawn out . Maybe he feels the asame way.. have you asked him? Dont worry who else will be devasted, they will get over it, live your life for yourself and your happiness..it is much better than putting up and shutting up. It will take a while to adjust but you will be happier in the long run. I left a marriage after 22 years, my kids hated me at first..mostly becuase they now have to deal wit him one on one instead of through me.They will still love you. My brothers ansd sister, and my true friends support me and 1 year later I am much happier and healthier than I was in the marriage.

      8 like

    • Generic Image ag2010 says

      I was in the same situation.  Constant complaining – everything I did was wrong. And then I found out some things he was doing with our house behind my back and when I confronted hiim he said it was none of my business. I was no longer a partner and finally woke up and told myself that life was too short for living like this. I had to walk on eggshells every day in case something I said set him off. Now, I am pretty lonely, but at least my days are peaceful! I loved him very much, but had to leave to save my sanity.

      24 like

    • LilTigg LilTigg says

      Our situations are so similar its spooky. He can be OK for a while then out of the blue he will stop talking (a word or two at most) and walk away from me. No explaination adn it goes on for weeks! Tension in teh house and the kids keep out of the way! Very unhealthy for us all emotionally – but then I’m told we want a Dad!  So I’m stuck.

      Take heart you are not alone.

      6 like

  6. Susanlaura Susanlaura says

    Bought my first home on my own, went back to work, moved to a beach town I love-slower, friendlier than the large city I was in.  Sold the first place, a condo on the 35th floor and then bought a 135 year-old Victorian Cottage-somethng my ex would never have done-moved my mom in so I could keep a better eye on her and not have to travel back and forth. Retired, take art lessons, travel as much I can afford, active in church and volunteer in community. Happier than I’ve been in years-I didn’t want the divorce-married 34 years but look at me now. It takes awhile and the it is painful but can be so much better.

    12 like

    • Judy Steinberg Judy Steinberg says

      Hi Susanlaura!  You’ve done something I recommend very highly and that is to re-invent your life.  It sounds like you are living exactly the life you want, that you designed for YOU.  We can surprise ourselves sometimes, when we emerge from the grief of a lost dream and put ourselves back together, wiser but optomistic.  I wish you the best and remember that you deserve to be happy.

      4 like

    • Generic Image Chrisjune says

      Your story sounds so hopeful. I was married 38 years until he suddenly left for a much younger women and said he had been unhappy for years. I never saw any evidence of it. After 6 months I am trying to get my life back together. I still cry but not as often. I too had to buy a house by myself. Something I didn’t think I could do but I did it. All these stories sound so encouraging to me. Thanks everyone for telling their story.

      14 like

  7. Generic Image 51 and counting says

    I am 51 and divorced after 22 years of Marriage. It was my idea but I had been miserable for years. Stuck with it to raise the children and thought that was the best thing. My children now tell me I should have done it long ago. I sold him the house, took less than what I was entitled to under TN law but I knew in my heart I would be okay. I wont lie, I lost friends, my kids were upset at first but I did have acouple true friends that helped me though alot of the hardest times. I bought a forclosed triplex, fixed it up and live in one apartment while I rent the others. I worked a second job as a tax preparer and paid off all my debt. I work at a college and started taking accounting courses, got certified as a bookkeeper. Then I got a new job and moved completely out of the small town of my marraige and into the city. I started an on-line meet-up group for divorced women and met some friends, and now I find my path is taking me to start a new venture to be able to help other women by creating a non profit Woman’s Business Center!  I have been seperated from my husband for just over 2 years and divorced for just over 1 year. I am happier, healthier and at more peace than I was for many of my married years.  People who have known me a long time tell me that I look happier and younger!   

    21 like

    • Judy Steinberg Judy Steinberg says

      Dear 51 and counting…what you have done is nothing short of remarkable!! My suggestion to re-invent your life isn’t lost on you, is it?  I hope you are so proud of yourself.  Clearly, you were not immobilized by the change you initiated in your life. And now you have the validation of friends and family, not to mention the happier, younger version of yourself. The 22 years you remained in the marriage might cause some to lose touch with the potential and possibility of a life on your own, but it doesn’t sound like you suffered any loss of idenity.  I admire your motivation to help other women.  Your story will serve as an inspiration.  You have firmly re-set your compass for FORWARD!

      5 like

  8. Generic Image pg58 says

    Husband is leaving after 37 years of marriage.  He is bipolar and I have had an interesting life!  Up and down and all around.  He met someone and after 9 yearsof knowing her,  has decided he needs to leave and be with her and her 3 young children-she is 39 he is 60!  It is difficult and I think I am doing fine but still have those days of melancholy. Tears are less and I can see the light somewhere at the end of the tunnel.  I teach and have friends. Forgot to mention my Mom has Alzheimers and Dad broke his hip and I help with them.  Husband said he couldn’t see them like this anymore.  Some days good some bad but I am OK today and that is what counts.  I feel am being put to a test of my beliefs-”live in the moment”. 

     

     

    5 like

    • Judy Steinberg Judy Steinberg says

      Dear pg58,  I am sorry you are going through this difficult time, but what’s good is that you have started to heal and should have good momentum creating your new life when your ex comes back because he realized that he doesn’t have the patience or the endurance for the three little ones.  Or she realized that she doesn’t have the patience or endurance for a man 20 years her senior. Being alone, to me, beats being with any man who doesn’t appreciate you or the life you devoted to him, his needs and his personality disorder. You can remind yourself how shallow he is to walk out when you are giving your parents such loving care and attention. Who can blame you for having doubts about your ability to go the rest of the journey on your own? Remind yourself of the strength you have called up to endure this transition and allow yourself to be inspired by your own commitment to your future. All of life is a test. Giving it your best is all that you can do. Yes, live in the moment and even more important, just live your life for YOU.  You deserve it.

      3 like

      • Generic Image pg58 says

        Judy,

         Husband moved family into their new home and then called the same day and said he had made a big mistake. Said he saw the light and was changed.  Came home!  I am not happy but do not know what to do.  I have therapist who says he needs counseling and we should not live together “til he works this out -if possible.  I have not confronted him with this, yet!  I feel I am not strong enough to go into this again but I still feel I love him or something.  Not any of my friends or his understand how I can feel this way-especially our daughters!  Makes me look like a fool to try anymore with him. Therapist says he is the one in the “red” and must prove he has changed as he says he has.  I was beginning to feel good on my own and I thought doing well.37 years is a long time to be with someone.  My anxiety level is so high at this point.  Hard to focus on anything.  Help!! 

        5 like

      • Judy Steinberg Judy Steinberg says

        Dear pg58,  This is one time I hate to be right.  I guess I knew he would be back when the realities hit him square in the face.  I’m sorry that you are losing momentum establishing a new life for yourself, when it sounded like you had such a good start. I think your therapist has the right idea for how to proceed here.  It might be difficult to put the genie back in the bottle, since he has already moved back in, but you haven’t really worked out your feelings about him and sharing your life again. Don’t let the number of years you have already spent with him dictate the terms of any reconcilliation. Those years lost their significance when he left you to be with HER. One more thing, don’t let other people’s opinion  (except for your therapist) decide for you.  You have to sort out your own feelings about this man and then weigh them off against what it feels like to live without him.  Don’t think you can’t do this.  You can.

        4 like

      • Paula Ellen Paula Ellen says

        Amen, this is spot on advice! And I should know, I have lived it. Thanks for posting it, Judy.

        3 like

      • Paula Ellen Paula Ellen says

        Be careful. This happened to me, I took him back and it was a big mistake. I was terribly confused like you, not understanding my feelings. I thought it was love but it wasn’t. I was feeling sorry for him, and felt obligated to save what I thought was a 25 year investment in a relationship.

        What I realized was that this relationship no longer existed. I had evolved to a stronger person during our separation, made new friends, developed new interests and no longer was the same person. I still felt love for him and yet realized that there was no trust, no spark, and I could not live the rest of my life that way.

        Stay away from him until you completely understand what you are feeling, and try to think about what you want your life to be.  You can start over, you really can, and life can be better than it has ever been. I never thought this, but am experiencing this now. I love my life and never thought I would say that. Last summer was hell for me, laying on the bed every night, no one calling to do anything with me because I was so depressed, lying on the floor crying while hugging the dog and plotting my revenge. I basically lost my mind.

        But it got better and I met a lot of wonderful people, who were damaged, like I was from my husband’s neglect and eventual affair. And now I am with a wonderful man who appreciates everything I am and we are planning a life together. So it can happen, don’t go back because you think it’s all you can ever have. Live life for yourself, and don’t be afraid to go out and live the life you really want. I wish you all the wisdom, strength and courage you will need to make the best decision you can. Much luck and love to you!

        15 like

      • Judy Steinberg Judy Steinberg says

        Hi Paula Ellen!  I’m so impressed with this posting…it really shows how a woman can get past her fears and concerns about a life on her own  I love how you turned your despair into positive energy for a new life on your own terms.  I hear so many women stuck in marriages because they can’t imagine a different life for themselves.  You have proved another point, which is that it’s never too late for a new beginning.  Enjoy every day as the new, stronger version of YOU.  I wish you the best

        2 like

  9. Generic Image pmc says

    WhenGETING UP HILL,DON T GET DATING AND TELL TOMUCH OF YOU INFO.Be very sure your new friend/friends aren t going to use it to benifit themselves<No fast joint accounts etc

    BE careful,and make sure he has a paycheck that he can bring home.HE S NOT A BIRD ,THAT HAS A COUPLE COLLECTING  CHILD SUPORT ! So, you ll not be geting help (as you thaught.)

    0 like

  10. Generic Image spiffy says

    We have been together 40 yrs with 37 of those yrs married.  It is very daunting at 56 to start again.  Fortunately I have a good career and will eventually have enough money for myself.  He has a slight brain injury from a concussion 5 yrs ago and now that the depression and anxiety are ‘cured’, he has diabetes.  He has lost 80 lbs, had sexual relations with another woman, is wanting to embrace naturism and move out of the city we have lived in for over 20 yrs – perhaps a small Caribbean island.  Say what?!

    6 like

    • Judy Steinberg Judy Steinberg says

      An interesting dilemma, Spiffy.  After 40 years, the commitment to stay till the end is very real.  It isn’t easy caring for someone who is dependent.  It takes a special kind of person and a special kind of caring.  Especially when you probably feel betrayed by his infidelity. I’m thinking he wants to go away to a slow, peaceful decline. If you’re looking for advice, I’d opt to stay with the job you already have that is going to console you financially.  Trust me, that will matter to you at some point, more than anything else.  Your own security and life choices are your priority now. His future seems fixed.  Take care of YOU.

      5 like

      • Generic Image spiffy says

        An update to this post done in May 2010.  In June 2010, I discovered unprotected emails on our computer desktop – emails between my husband and another woman with he professing to love her truly and deeply with all his heart.  It turns out he had been using on line dating sites for 1 – 4 yrs (depends on which argument).  I made him read one of other posts re internet affair in July 2010 and the next day he said I had brutalized and harassed him.  He said it was an fantasy but we are now in Dec 2010 and he spends most weekends and holidays with her in another city.

        I wish I could get over him.  It is the 1- 2 am mornings where my brain just doesn’t stop.  He no longer loves me and I am far better off without him but the heart continues.  I feel like a schmuck for going to work everyday while he used the computer all day to hook up with other women.  I feel used and abused.  And anyone meeting him would think he was the nicest guy ever – the jerk.  I have had a friend vet his emails prior to me answering and she says if she hadn’t seen those emails with her own eyes, she would never have known how mean he could be.  I now have no contact with him whatsoever.

        7 like

      • Judy Steinberg Judy Steinberg says

        Hi Spiffy…The betrayal is so hard to digest.  In the middle of the night you probably beat yourself up for having loved such an unworthy man.  I have done this dance and faced the same carefully crafted misperception of my ex that  he spent so many years perfecting. Who would have believed me when he made a career of being liked by everyone.  You are much better for the lack of contact.  Why keep that wound open? So, your work now, Spiffy, is to make yourself well again so that you can have the life you want. Check out step #2…do something symbolic to help yourself move forward.  Don’t let his lack of character ruin you.  Find out what there is for you to learn from this and reinvent your life.  You can do this and you will sleep like a baby.

        3 like

  11. MrsB MrsB says

    One of the sad facts about divorce is by the time we get around to it, we are older and if not inform, slower in how we move our bodies and minds. I am not suffering from demetia or alzheimer’s, thank gawd, but I am definitely slowing down and this is a time that I am actually thankful that I don’t have to cotton to the whims of another adult. Kids and pets, maybe but definitely not to someone who could fend for themselves. Give me a good book and a cup of tea and I’ll occupy the bathroom for an easy, relaxing hour. That would never happen, without strategic planning in a home filled with people. Pets are oaky, they never care. Just love.

    6 like

    • Judy Steinberg Judy Steinberg says

      Hi Mrs. B!  Just want to remind you that men get older, too.  Maybe even faster.  However, I do relate to your choice to move on without one by your side.  As someone who has taken care of other people all my life, I get what a relief it is sometimes to just be free of commitments and obligations.  You might have the feeling that it’s your turn to just indulge yourself in your little pleasures and let the rest of the world go by.  Give yourself permission to do that whenever you want it or need it, you’ve earned the right.

      2 like

  12. Generic Image Rita Garnier says

    After 29 years I left and filed for divorce! I gave it all I had and we just could not make it.  My soon to be ex is a cheating philanderer. He has been since the very beginining.  I finally got fed up and now my family cant believe I have left him.  It seems the overall mentality is none of that is serious, he really loves me and all that is just what men do! I was married to him 10 years before I learned he had a child with another woman. That child was older than both mine, but I should have known this before we married.  Speaking of my children, age 19 and 27, they are both angry and neither will talk to me.  They think I should just hang in there.   

    I left a week ago Saturday and have never felt better. I dont carry that heaviness anymore.  People are not asking me why I look so sad, and Im actually smiling!  I dont know what the future holds for me, but I feel like I have a chance at happiness after all these years.  I will be 52 in Nov, and it looks like I may have to spend it alone, but at least I’ll not have to worry about who he’s with and what they’re doing!

    9 like

    • Judy Steinberg Judy Steinberg says

      My dear Mizzgee, You are very brave and I so admire your commitment to your own happiness.  It’s your turn, you deserve to feel the way you do.  I so relate to the betrayal you felt in your marriage, having experienced that “confession” from my ex-husband.  Don’t you dare allow yourself to believe that ALL men behave that way.  They do not.  There are men of integrity out there and if you look for them, you will find the one you want.  You have every chance to be happy with or without another partner.  I was 54 when my marriage collapsed after 25 years.  My life began when the marriage was over.  I have achieved things on my own that never would have been possible had I remained trapped in a marriage that was sucking my self esteem right out of me.  Start working on your physical strength, as your emotional strength will follow. It works.  As for your children, let them see and observe the changes and improvements in your mental health.  Let them see you happy for the first time in decades and how it brings you closer to them.  I think they will reconsider their feelings when it becomes so obvious that you are better off on your own.  Believe me, spending your birthday alone this year is not something to be sad about when you have so many more birthdays ahead of you, when you will be a better version of yourself.  Time to take care of YOU.  Indulge yourself without guilt or shame. This is your life and you have the right and the obligation to make it the life you want to live.  Let me hear from you now and then with your progress.  I wish you luck, power, and peace of mind.

      4 like

  13. Susan Alexander Susan Alexander says

    Your steps sound pretty much like what I did. The evidence of an affair after nearly 21 years of marriage kicked me out of the funk I was in following my mother’s death. But that was apparently too late as he moved out 6 months later. I had tried had that 6 months and thought we were getting to new ground, but he disagreed and would not go with me to a counselor. I went alone and that helped me a lot the first year, but it was very hard to find myself again. The happy news is that I did find myself and I’m better than ever. Even if it seems like the end of the world, there is a life out there waiting for you – you just have to go grab it with both hands. I can depend on myself and that is a wonderful feeling!

    5 like

    • Judy Steinberg Judy Steinberg says

      My dear Susan!  You don’t need me.  Your instincts are serving you very well.  I take special offense at men who refuse counseling when the marriage is in trouble.  To me, that suggests only that they don’t really WANT the relationship to survive. Certainly you did the right thing by seeking your own support and counsel and I applaud you for being aggressive about finding your balance. It’s not easy and requires a deep commitment to your goals.  I just love what you said about “grabbing life with both hands”.  What a perfect metaphor for getting on with your future. It IS a wonderful feeling to know that everything you need is in YOU.  I congratulate you for your strength and success moving forward. Wishing you the best!

      1 like

      • Jeannie Jeannie says

        Today I told my husband of 32 years that I want a divorce.  He is 62 and I am 58.  Until a year and a half ago I thought we had a great marriage and so did everyone else.  We have 2 wonderful grown kids.  A year and a half ago I discovered that he had been seeing a woman 30 years younger than him for 11 years.  He was 50 and she was 20 when it started and we have since moved to a beach town about 4 hours away but the affair continued – I did’t know about it.  He thought they were just good friends!  The sex didn’t count, I guess.  He found out a few years into the relationship that she was also an ‘escort.”  A couple months later I found out that he had been seeing another “escort” (they are really just whores) in a nearby city for almost 2 years.  I was stunned to say the least.  I had always trusted him totally and we had a very good marriage – actually a great marriage when this all started.  All of our friends and family are shocked.  We have been working on reconciling for a year and a half.  He is doing everything he can to make it up to me – counselling etc.  I don’t believe he sees any other women.  I also discovered he was having 2 emotional affairs and was into porn.  I just can’t get over this and have finally decided that I cannot live with a man who has done this to me.  I am scared to death to start over again but since I found out we have both been miserable.  He would do anything to take it back.  I guess I have finally realized that this infidelity is a deal breaker for me.  Any advice is appreciated.

        8 like

      • Judy Steinberg Judy Steinberg says

        It must be so shocking to learn that the person you thought you knew is not really that person after all.  When you acknowlege that you have a “deal-breaker” on your hands, you are 50% ahead of the process already.  There is no confusion in that statement.  It’s so important to know your own boundaries. Your criteria going forward is clear. “My kingdom for an honest man!!” Trust and respect are the pivotal ingredients in a successful relationship. He has violated both.  DO NOT let your fear of starting over force you to compromise your standards.  It is not only NOT the end of your life, it very well might just be the beginning.  Be strong in what you believe.  You are not wrong for you.  Therapy, support groups, etc. give you access to other women with similar issues.  It helps to hear them and support them.  They will do the same for you.  Be true to yourself.  I send you my best.

        5 like

  14. Generic Image Rita Garnier says

     I am 52 and my divorce will be final by the end of the month.  I have been married to a philanderer for the past 30 years.  I looked around and suddenly I had no life.  I have no friends and my soul support have been my sisters, one of which just passed away from heart failure.  My life is changing so fast its frightening.  I dont  hate my husband, I am just tired of him and he seems to be ok with whatever happens.  We have been separated since October last year. He is hateful and mean and says I will never find a man.   He thinks I’ll be crawling back to him in a matter of time. 

    2 like

    • Judy Steinberg Judy Steinberg says

      Your husband sounds like a real jerk.  I’m being kind. I’m reacting to the fact that he is compounding his unacceptable behavior with additional verbal insults.  I don’t hear any redeeming qualities that would make it worth trying to fix this relationship.  I recently lost my sister, so I relate to your loss and the process you are managing in addition to this.  You know, of course, that you do not have to take, listen to, or personalize his abuse.  You can set boundaries for how you are willing to communicate with him. In a positive perspective, you are FREE of him, his insults, his abuse both emotional and otherwise.  You are still young.  Use this time to create a new launch of your life.  Give yourself a makeover as a symbolic way of setting yourself on a new course: an independent confident version of yourself, leaving him in the dust. Move on, dear girl, and start to believe in the person you are inside. The one who will be just fine, with or without “finding a man”.

      6 like

  15. Generic Image Beth says

    Its almost been a year since my husband of 26 years walked out.  It was april 2, I thought it was a belated April fools joke.  I should of known since he had been in Arizonia on job assignment for 4 years and had been back for 6 months.  During the Arizonia time, he called everyday, came home only on holidays and talked with our three adult children and welcomed the news of each of the five grandsons as they were borned to our older two children.  When he decided to come back he did this big scene of how much I and his family meant to him and how he couldn’t live anymore without us, so much so that he was going to take a big cut in pay to come home.     When we were married in 1985, I brought to the marriage a 4 year old daughter and a 2 year old son. During the marriage the word step child or step parent was never mentioned and they called him PaPa. He was the ultimate boyscout leader and the sunday school teacher for both of them. In fact, my son changed his last name to his with his blessing. Three years into our marriage, we had a daughter and the family was complete.  Since we had been teenage sweethearts 10 years prior to our reconnection, this baby was a dream come true for both of us.   Since he has left, he has not called either of the older kids or acknowledged their birhdays or the grandsons birthdays. Our younger daughter ( 23) he finally saw after a few months, she must meet him in the parking lot at a mall and then they go to one of the Disney parks or Universal for the day.  She doesn’t know where he lives . He tells her that when the divorce is over he will connect with the older two.   I have spent 20,000 dollars so far in trying to find the money and have finally called off the forensic accountant, there is no money to be found and am talking to a accountant about the best way to go ( much fiancial deception), the house has been morgaged for more than it is worth. I have always worked and have a good job as a teacher, but he makes 4 times more than I do.  I am scrimping to make it as there is no alimony yet.   My youngest, is in school and lives with me. She is horrified that he is breaking up our family and not recognizing her older siblings and feels caught in the middle.   I want to be angry at him but I can’t , I just feel sad for him.   Nearing April fools day, its been a year and the pain remains.

    2 like

    • Adoptsalot Adoptsalot says

      Beth, Here are a few tips I have learned from friends and relatives for finding the hidden money.
      1-If you filed Joint taxes, check with the IRS to see if he ‘ammended’ them after filing.
      2-If you are a beneficiary on his 401k, he can not change that w/o your approval or a divorce  -So make sure your lawyer gets a copy of the current value and demand half, if he can should ask for copies of his annual summary  for the last 10 years to make sure he has not borrowed against it, if he has, you want half of the borrowed amount too** if there are after tax dollars in the account demand those first go to you, roll them into a Roth account, then roll the rest into a IRA
      3- Demand sposal support to maintain your standard of living
      4- find out where he lives. If he has a house demand half of it (call it a second home)
      5- I know women that went after and got

      their sposes bonuses
       stock options
      frequent flier miles or tickets in lieu of miles because the spose tried to use them before his wife could get her hands on them
      Defered pay or stock
       If he has a better car demand half
      if the company has a Credit Union, find out if he has been ‘stashing’ money there and demand half (or all if it was outright deception)
      inherited property (his mom or dads house or condo)
      burial plots or insurance
      cash out any insurance plans (whole life)
      part of the sposes PENSION or a cash buyout at least half

      6-Check his Facebook page, google him, check reverse call directory, do whatever you can to find out how he has been living.
      7- Does he have club memberships?
      8- Have your lawyer subpoena your husband’s company for his ‘total compensation package ‘ for the last ten years , you may also be able to subpoena copies of expense reports…
      9- hire a local detective to follow him for 48 hours to find out where he lives and with whom- get pictures
      10-get a copy of his SS record
      11- Make sure you get the meanest bad-ass lawyer money can buy…this is not the time to go soft…

      Ladies out there, what have you surprised you spouse by snagging or missing?

      4 like

  16. dewdropinn2003 dewdropinn2003 says

    Judy Steinberg:  I did not see your December 27, 2010 comment to me until today.  Just an update for you:  I not only survived the first year of divorce but it has now been nearly two years and I am loving my life.  Once I got through all the adjustments I needed to make, such as bouts of loneliness, adjusting to my new home and learning to love my freedom, I feel like I’m exactly where I want to be!  I am not dating yet but that will happen when the time is right.  One thing I am doing that I always wanted to do is take ballroom dance lessons…..and I absolutely love it!!  I think I’ve found my niche and I plan on continuing with them for a long time.  I have also become more involved in community affairs, which is something I’ve always wanted to do.  Feels good to give a piece of myself back to others.  I’ve also become more physically activie and enjoy going to the State Park to ride my bike.  Right now I am exactly where I want to be, doing exactly what I want to do and loving every minute of it!

    5 like

  17. Generic Image Anonymous says

    I was not married but together for 10 years. He promised me so many things, we lived together for 5 years. 2years after he  moved in he didnt have an income and I supported us both. Used my credit cards and he kept promising to repay me when he had the money. I belived him and kept rigt on loving him and taking care of everything. He started to change, get upset at me easily and say hurtful things to me. He started to go to his mothers house more often but still told me how much he loved me and wanted to marry me when finances were better. One day I was out shopping and a woman approached me and told me she was involved with him and he owed her money and wanted to know if I knew where he was! I was so shocked but told her I broke up with him so she would tell me more details. I made it home so upset and shocked but all I could think of was how much money he owed me my mind was spinning and I felt so sick. I came into the house and quickly wrote out an IOU note and asked him to sign it…he was confused wondering what was wrong. I told him I  would explain after he signed the paper. He denied everything. Again I believed him…a few months later I looked at his cell phone and found an intimate text so I called the woman and she too said she was dating this man for 9 months but his name was different. I was horrified once again. He denied it again saying it was his cousin not him. A month later he left to say with his mother because of her health. Then out of the blue I get a phone call from a parent I knew. She told me to look on a website her son and his friends found and asked if I has seen this post. I looked and it was about my boyfriend. it said he was a liar and a cheater and used older women for money with promises of marriage and other things. I almost died when I saw it. Then the parent asked me if I posted it!!! I was  so hurt and betrayed I didnt know what to do. Again when I confronted my boyfriend he denied it saying someone hacked his email and was trying to ruin his life and sue him. If all this wasnt bad enough I started getting phone calls from a few other woman harrasing me about him and telling me to stay away because he was there girlfriend. I as so upset and hurt and confused about all the BS and drama that I had nothing to do with. I felt I had lived a lie with this man for 10 years and didnt not who he really was, and all the future promises were just lies. To top it off he still owed me money, I really needed that money because when he bailed out he left me with maxed out credit card debt that I have been struggling to pay month to month. He told me for the last 2 years he would pay me back. and finally at the beginning of this month he finally told me to leave him alone dont call or text anymore he hated me and he was never going to repay me the money. I have not heard from him or tried to contact him in 3 weeks. and I feel so betrayed. I am trying to sell as much of my stuff as I can to raise money to pay down my debt. I am trying to refinance my home also but can not until I get my debt under control. It has been the biggest nightmare of my life and I have never experienced such and evil person in my life. He was the second man I have ever loved, outside my first husband of 21 years. I feel so stupid for believing his lies for so many years. I am trying with all my strength to find meaning in my life and survive this broken heart and financial mess. I am 53 and a very attractive woman. I have no desire to date or even look at men right now. And when I think about love again I know I never want to feel this pain of betrayal ever again. How do you trust again after such an event.?? has this ever happened to anyone else? how did you move on??

    1 like

    • Foofie Foofie says

      I have found my twin, reading your story was like looking at myself.  16 and a half years, one 12 year old son, he was a serial cheater, I honestly didn;t know, his mom has been very ill (Alzheimers) for the last 12 years and it was not unusual for him to be late home, or indeed, not to come home at all – he was always in the nursing home with his mom.  Seven years ago I received a text saying he was going to be a father again, he denied it completely and he was so attentive (when he was around) I believed him.  I couldn’t have been more stupid, if I had changed my name to stupid and worn a bill board stating ‘I am stupid that everyone professes to be with’.  He left for the final time in February of this year.  We have a small business which he then proceeded to take over completely, this is the small God send, everything is in my name, obviously because his credit was so awful.  3 weeks ago he went to Spain with the ‘new’ girlfriend.  Fortunately, for her she coped on to what he is and came home early and finished with him, he called me 2-nights ago and pleaded with me to let him come home and then proposed marriage to me, it was after 12 midnight and I had to clap my hand over my mouth to stop myself from screeching with laughter and waking up the kids. He actually asked me to think it over.  I text him back within minutes, saying, NEVER, not in a million years.  He is a user, he is a cheat and he is quite mad.  I am in an awful state, I still have feelings for him that I have been unable to shake off, but I am trying to be strong and get on with our new peaceful life.  He is an alcoholic and I used to blame that and his mother’s terrible illness on his behaviour.  He is just bad and I need to move forward with the realisation that he is going to do the same thing to the next ‘nice and respectable’ person he meets, he nee nice and respectable to try to pretend to people he knows that he is nice and respectable.  It is hard not to want him to be found out because I know that would just be malicious and I just want to put it all behind me and get one with whatever is left of my life.  That is the difficult part, he used me for all those years and now I am well passed middle-age and feel invisible and insignificant.  Just yesterday, I joined a clay-shooting club, does that sound like desperation? but I just wanted to do something so completely out of my normal day-today stuff.  He sees my son every Sunday for approximately 3 hours, but he is now living over 50 miles away and I have to drive down to a meeting point close by him, that takes approximately 30 minutes on the motorway, making it foolish for me from a time point of view to go back home, so I hang around, either sitting in the car or walking through shopping centres (no money, so that’s no fun) and then I collect him and we return home.  It seems that he has gotten off Scott free.  I am so annoyed at him it makes me physically sick.  As I write this he just called, I have to take his calls because it could pertain to the business and I have no other way of earning the money I need to keep my home running unless I am actively involved in the business, he cried and pleaded with me to reconsider, he is going to go to AA, he is going to see a therapist, he is going to do anything I want.  I don’t even want to write down when I want him to do, suffice to say that if I could change just one day in my life, it wouldn’t be the day I met him, it would be the day after I found out I was pregnant and instead of ringing him with the happy news I would ring him and break up with him, oh God that would be so good.  Unfortunately, I didn’t do that and I have to take responsibility for my stupidity and try to move forward.  I wish………….

      2 like

  18. Alicia Alicia says

    Foofie:  You aare NOT invisible or insignificant…I am 65 and got a divorce after 36 years of abuse.  I am an advocate for abused women and children; I have been speaking up and out for over 10 years on this issue.
     
    I wrote about my life and won a scholarship and am a 65-year old freshman in college!  Try not to beat yourself up about what you could have done.
     
    What do you want to do with your life?  Do that….get into some counseling ; that can help alot!
    xooxooo, Alice

    6 like

  19. Generic Image MsJuJuBean says

    I am 54 years old and struggling with finding my way out from this marriage. I’ve been married for only 15 years and want out so bad.

    My husband was all that and a bag of chips during the first 5 years. Then my father passed away, I was devastated, his response was “you need to get over this and move on”. I tried to explain I needed some “space “to deal with my loss. My husband believed I was weak and pushing me to move faster would force me to toughen up. Looking back, it was at that point he began to drift emotionally from our marriage.

    Over the next 5 years we were on a roller coaster ride, the emotional ups and downs started slowly but gained momentum with time. His need for attention from other women became a sore spot. I tried to explain how he was making me feel, his response was anger and resentment towards me. I thought if I gave more he would come back to me.

    The last 5 years his passive aggressive behavior created such dismay I eventually lost all sense of self-esteem and self-worth. My family has always been dysfunctional, something I survived and became successful in spite of until I married. Unemployed since 2008, with a large loan to a family member who refused to repay was the last straw for my husband who had no intention to support me financially or emotionally.

    In the last 5 years I have suffered from his choice to minimize my needs. I speak; I ask for help, he chooses to not listen, which has led to my suffering physically and emotionally time and time again. I’m done, I want out. I have spent the last 2 years coming to terms with being this age and being on my own.

    Financially I’m at a disadvantage, unemployed with a large credit card debt and student loans. It seems he has been preparing for the possibility of divorce for a while. Financially it is going to take time for me to save up for my own attorney. I don’t want to live in the same house as him after I tell him I want out. I fear his anger. I was so stupid, but I have to believe one day I will find my way.

    2 like

  20. Generic Image Anonymous says

    Sounds like some of you fell prey to men who had bi-polar disorders, etc.. I dated a man like that but never married him…

    I married a “normal” man with a decent job whom I knew in college (and I didn’t want a relationship at my young age) and then we “re-met” over 10 years later.. a few years of courting and viola’.. I was married… we had a daughter.. things started to go wrong when she was in elem school, but I was always afraid of the financial repercussions and just stayed with him. He also always made sure I knew loyalty was highly important to him, and asked me to never leave him, so yes, I stayed.

    I stayed even when he got physically abusive with me. It progressed even after he hadn’t worked for these last 3 years after quitting his job and telling me daily he was going to “divorce” me, and “leave me penniless”. I didn’t believe him. I thought they were just more angry words, which had also escalated and his verbal abuse (“you are old and ugly and no man will ever want you now”) lost its effect on me, or so I thought… I never realized how much this wear and tear really takes its toll.. it literally emptied me out emotionally, and left me hollow.

    My biggest shame is that I stayed, with our daughter hearing much of it, and I hav now taught her, by my example, to stay and take that abuse from a man. She has witnessed it for years and I see now that this is how a cycle perpetuates itself. I never thought I would be in this situation. Our home fell into foreclosure, he spent all of our retirement, 401K, IRA, pension, and savings monies towards the marital bills, so I hav no claim since legally he can do so.

    I feel so stupid. 

    I feel like a failuere as a mother, and all I ever wanted to do was to be a good one.. always a goal of mine..and yet I did it so badly.

    I read these posts and I think of how far I hav come.. I am in the middle of a divorce and things are a mess, for sure.. but much of what is said here is true.

    I hav re-discovered much about myself that I lost. I can’t go back and change things but all I can do is try and get my daughter into counseling, and hope she has not been too damaged…by us both.

    I hav been separated from him for almost a year and the pain at realizing what I hav done, what I hav been through, and what I am faced with is daunting. I am slowly on the road to recovery and it truly is a growth process.

    I will say I am over 50 years old, but many men out there do like me, and it helps me to feel desired again. I am not ready for too much dating though I hav dated one man now for awhile…he’s a plumber! My (soon to be) X was in IT (computer systems). I don’t care though…my priorities hav all changed.. and my (16 yr old now) daughter’s foundation and making sure she is secure, is tops.

    Had I left sooner…but I can’t. Had I… Had I… Had I… the “what if’s” kill my motivation and the crying bouts do get less and less.. all of it a cleansing of sorts but the biggest thing is the support of family, friends, even strangers like yourself on the internet. People who hav gone thorugh similar help without even knowing it by sharing, and by giving the comfort of happy endings..I hav many so many changes..

    I feel strength sometimes and then others I feel like I am rolling huge boulders uphill… one project, one goal at a time is what works for me right now with progress I hav to giv myself credit for since I am the only one doing it.

    If you read this and wonder if I am some sort of “victim”, I am not trying to present that way. You would see me on the street and hav no idea.. I seem effotless and confident most times because I am good at putting on that face after years of doing it, but the nights are hard and the uncertainty even harder. But I will stay the course and try my best. I hav wonderful friends that I neglected yet when this happened they were right there for me.. and in some ways I don’t feel like I deserve it, but I must if they are so convinced..this is the love I need the most and it gives me my real self-esteem back in ways I didn’t know I’d lost..the genuine kind that I feel, not just “put on”.

    The emptiness will go away I am sure. I see how I hav changed in just this (9 months) amount of time so I am sure it will only get better and better. 

    Don’t lost sight of who you are is key. Regain your innermost part that you lost, and it is freeing… scarey, but freeing in ways I never thought possible.

    I hope you understand this is intended to be a message of strength, hope and understanding. I love you all.

    In sisterhood,

    ~MOMMY

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