With the shortage of jobs for new college graduates and the financial pinch felt by aging parents as their retirement incomes dwindle, we’re seeing multi-generational households make a comeback among Boomers in the Sandwich Generation. Don’t be too disappointed if you were looking forward to the empty nest. More family members sharing household responsibilities, financial expenses and emotional support means less stress for all–that is, as long as clear guidelines are set and upheld.
Here are six tips for sharing daily life with extended family:
- Have a family meeting to set guidelines before you move in together.
Be frank and honest about your needs. You’ll each be giving up some autonomy and control so you can expect to have situations where push comes to shove. Present your positions for the best and worst case scenarios. Then decide how you want to compromise so that everyone gets some of what they want. Put any absolute deal breakers out on the table so they can be discussed in detail.
- Set boundaries so that everyone’s privacy is respected.
Living together with roommates in a college dorm is one thing but sharing space with adult family members can get awkward. Identify signals to use when one of you wants to be alone. The last time you all lived together, the circumstances were quite different. Old issues around power or dependency can resurface in this close environment, particularly when there may be a difference of opinion about how to handle issues with children/grandchildren. - Work out a schedule for shared responsibilities, chores and finances.
Gain consensus about making the division of labor equitable. When children/grandchildren are part of the mix, arrive at a clear timetable with regard to babysitting so that no one feels exploited. The multi-generational experience can foster a closer relationship between grandparents and grandchildren, with the middle generation being able to step away from some care-giving tasks. - Respect the needs of everyone involved.
When each person feels heard, it takes away some of the frustration stemming from the lack of control. You can be supportive to one another just by listening even if you don’t agree with the reason for the complaint. Use the techniques of active listening and sending I-messages. - Think about the problems that can arise and make a Plan B.
Just because you all are having some difficulty with the new living arrangements doesn’t mean you have to discard the entire idea. Continue to schedule family meetings to discuss the issues and conflicts. Lack of privacy, intruding on other family members’ boundaries and unwanted advice are often sore points. - Be flexible and learn to love compromise and cooperation.
Look at the situation from the perspective of other family members as you work on understanding their positions. You are all in this together and while you may not get exactly what you want, you can work out a solution that is good for everyone.
Have you shared your home with extended family? Share your own tips in the discussion below!
About 15 months ago I chosed to travel over 450 miles to pick up my brother who was suffering from alcoholism. I was afraid he was going to die a way to early death from a broken heart. At the time I was suffering from a back problem and put myself on hold so that I could get him to a safe place. A few months later he went to re-hab and made a start toward a new beginning.
I didn’t have much time to think about what I was doing but he needed help now or he was going to die. Since then he has retired and does not wish to go back to the state where we lived most of our life.
I live in a small 3 bedroom one floor house with my husband. Having my brother here with us does make it a tight living situation but you have to take the good with the bad. Some day we will look for a larger home to rent or buy but for now we are making the situation we are in work. We are helping each other in many ways but most of all financially. I can work but you do have to give up your privacy.
I think it is a very good idea to help each other in these trying times.
You’re a remarkable sister, Maryann – what you did was heroic. And it seems like, with your brother’s new outlook and the kindness of you and your husband, y’all are making the best of the situation. Good luck – you deserve it!
You are blessed. I had to do the same thing with my brother but he did die. We were too late to save him. Sometimes the addition of a door can really relieve the stress of living with someone. They can come and go and not intrude into your space except at meal times or when you want shared time.
My daughter and her 2 children have been living with us for 4 years. She went through a very bad divorce and had no where else to go. We gladly took them in with open arms and she decided to go back to school. This left a large amount of child care with me and my husband. We decided to put them in daycare because they had never been exposed to other children in that setting. We paid for the daycare out of our pockets as my daughter wasn’t working. She got grants for school and put both children on Medicaid, which has been a blessing. We do share some chores and since the kids are now in school, that burden has been lifted. My husband and I are both retired so we are on a fixed income. My daughter is still going to school and not working. Things have gotten tight because of the addition of 3 people we hadn’t planned on when we budgeted for retirement. How long should she expect to live with us rent and bill free? I am glad she is going to school but how much is enough for us to do for her and her family?
Your daughter and her children are lucky to have the ongoing support of you and your husband. But four years is a long time, especially since you probably had some ideas about the kind of retirement you wanted.
Instead of deciding how much more help or money to give, you could talk with your daughter about her future plans and what you and your husband want for yourselves. It may be hard to begin, but it will be good to get the feelings out in the open – then you know more about what you’re dealing with. From there, you can set some mutual goals and figure out the steps it’ll take to get there. And that may make all of you feel like you’re moving in a positive direction.