Today’s Featured Comment
I am steeped in an online search for not necessary the “perfect man,” but “a man who I want to date and who wants to date me”. It’s a lot of work, and I’ve spent many hours, almost like a job search, poring over ads in JDate, Match, and even PlentyofFish (a free site…lots of weeding thru undesirable ads, but I’ve found the response rate is still much higher and more sincere).
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Here are my thoughts on online dating:
- If he won’t take the next step and pick up the phone to call you, or give you his number, forget him. Many guys seem to want online penpals and are afraid to do something to make it ‘real’.
- It should be easy. You shouldn’t have to chase after a guy. If he doesn’t maintain contact, his heart is not in it. You just don’t need that. You want someone to want you, to make the effort, to take initiative. Regardless of feminism and equal rights, men are still the pursuers. As women, we need to be receptive and send the right signals.
- I tend to be very open and honest with men I’ve met online, and they find this extremely refreshing and appealing. They all have their “crazy woman” stories. If they are sincere in their intentions, they will appreciate your sincerity back at them. It will go a long way. Of course you don’t tell them your deepest, darkest secrets on the first date, but you should definitely open up and reveal something about yourself, show them your spark or what makes you tick right off the bat, so they get excited and want to know more about you. Hiding everything behind a wall and remaining totally polite won’t break down any barriers or move anything forward.
- Read the signals. If he talks about himself too much on the phone, he may be nervous, but probably he’s more of an egotist and not so much into you. That’s a bad sign. Or if he complains about his ex too much…steer clear (men have also said women do that, so it’s something to avoid).
- It’s okay to shave a few years off your age. I shaved a few years off my age because I’d hit the big 5-0 and knew it would be a stigma and possibly eliminate me from searches that go up to 49. So I felt ok saying I was 48 b/c I look, act, and feel much younger anyway. I tell men the truth right away and they understand, and sometimes they even admit they’ve done the same thing.
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It’s a nasty world out there online, but it’s admittedly one of the ways to meet men if you don’t have other venues. And it *can* work. We can only keep trying!
[This comment was originally posted in this conversation. ~ Eds.]
What’s your take on online dating?
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To all those Vibrant Women who have, like me, left abusive relationships - whether verbal, emotional, psychological, spiritual, physical, financial, social...or all of the above! - I say congratulations to us!
When I read this post, I think to mys
HI, Annamarie,
Thanks for joining in. Whether co-renting or co-owning, getting a compatible mix of people, and ensuring financial and personal security, are certainly number one.
There are so many intentional community and shared housing models o
Good advice, here’s what I’d add. Read Steve Harvey’s book, “Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man,” to understand how men think, and the mistakes women make when trying to attract them. It will change not only what you do on that first date, but how you write you profile. It will also strengthen YOUR ego and keep you determined, not desperate. His TV show is excellent too: it gives you a daily dose of courage to stay strong!
I’m not a fan of lying about your age on your profile, just because you look younger than you are, but I understand why women and men do it: to beat the computer search limits. Just be sure to tell the truth up front.
I am sick of trying after 8 years.
Maybe your standards are too high…there are men who are the diamonds in the rough but women don’t give them the time of day!For example some men do trade jobs…all educated and career women pass them by, others are too short, others are not wealthy…etc. I hear women in their 50-60 talking like they are the best catch in the world…in other words they feel they have too much to offer a man…maybe they do have something to offer, but definitely not too much!
My standards are not to high, unless desiring a man who is kind with a sense of humor and integrity. I don’t care what his job is, how tall he is, how much money he makes, etc., etc. etc…..
Alicia, I do not believe in too high of standards. Your personal standards for a man should be very different than any other woman’s. At our ages we do not have time and sometimes the energy to try to conform to the ‘world’s standards’. By this time we each should know what we want, what we will tolerate, what we value, and what marriage/relationships means to you. So set your standards for YOU and what you want and go forth and find the man YOU will be happy with, not someone that might make a different woman happy or meet the so called set standards.
You know the kind of man you want, and you deserve THAT kind of man, so keep your “My Man” attributes list and update it often! Steve Harvey’s, “Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man” taught me how to be STRONGER in online dating, and it’s paying off. Recently I saw an interesting man at my fave coffee house. He had the right looks and chemistry for me, so I initiated a conversation, he said he was visiting his girls over the holidays, we chatted briefly and I gave him a biz card with my cell phone #. He later texted me and invited me skiing the next day. I said sorry, I don’t go out with strangers I’ve just met at a coffee house (DOH!)… I’d like to know more about him first. I asked about his girls, I checked them out online (they go to the same school mine do) and texted mutual friends who confirmed that he was who he said he was. But I couldn’t find any FB profile or online presence of any kind on the man, and he lives in a different state. Not online ANYWHERE???? That’s a big no-no on my list! He wanted me to go skiing with them, but I have a rule on my list: “Must be visible and verifiable online,” so I texted him, “Let me check my sched… btw, R U on FB?” He said no, I asked why, and he told me he had a very viscous ex-girlfriend (the screwdriver in the head type) whom he didn’t want stalking him or “knowing my every move.” Instead of pitying him, I correctly saw that this guy 1) still has terrible taste in women (his ex-wife included… I found her on FB) and 2) doesn’t want ANYONE to know what he’s doing (the door swings both ways, ladies!). When I said no to skiing, and that I generally don’t date men who are invisible online, he proclaimed that his town has such an active dating scene, he doesn’t usually date when he’s in Reno anyways. What did that tell me? He’s a serial dater who gets all the action (yes, THAT kind) he wants from women who later want to drive screwdrivers into his head (you know the type), and I had saved myself a LOT of angst, trouble and heartache. Harvey’s book taught me that the right man will make the effort to meet my needs and demands if I put them out there, and the wrong man will blow me off. I don’t have a single ounce of regret about this guy, because I did my research and knew HE WASN’T FOR ME. Get the book, ladies, and stand firm… there are a lot of wrong men out there… we need to do our homework to find Mr. Right. In the meantime, I feel strong in my choice to be single and won’t date men who don’t value MY values. Open, honest and actively online is something I value, so he needs to, too.