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How I let my grown children go and set myself free: 9 ways Most Liked Hot Conversation

I finally found the secret of living a carefree life of no guilt and no regrets. I have learned how to really let my grown children go. All it takes is some quiet time and taking care of yourself. (You will realize that no one will take care of you better than yourself.)

  1. I learned to listen to their problems without offering suggestions – unless I am nearly begged for information. And even then I leave the ball in their court.
  2. I don’t offer safety tips that I know work, because sometimes they don’t work when they are done without faith.
  3. I allow them to bang their heads. I don’t try to run ahead of them and take the blows of life’s lessons.
  4. I accept their beliefs because they are theirs. I don’t offer books for them to read. Instead, I read the books and smile, knowing they will want to know why.
  5. I am not available every time they need me.
  6. I feel they are on their journey, as I am on mine. Just as I drive my car where I will, they can too!
  7. I finally accept that they came through me and are really not mine to own. I don’t feel responsible for their choices, be they the ones I would choose or not.
  8. I wake up not feeling any fear of accidents or trauma. I am now only a loving bystander.
  9. I still call just to say “hi” during a rainstorm. It makes me feel good to know if they are all safely in their homes. But if not, I am still okay.

I really feel free and I gave this freedom to myself.

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Posted in family & relationships, live it! lists.

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59 Responses

  1. Generic Image moongoddess says

    10.  I pass this gift on to my children, because I love them.

     

    8 like

    • Duffy! Duffy! says

      (Even tho this was pretty much covered with various other words in the original 9):

      11. If you have no control over something, there’s no reason to worry about it – especially as it applies to your adult children. In every way, allow them to be ADULTS who are in charge of their own lives, their own mistakes, their own destinies. Do this for them out of love – and yes, it will also set you free.

      I started this with my stepchildren when they were teens – and they knew the minute they showed me they couldn’t be trusted, we’d start over at square one. But when it comes to adult offspring – turn them loose, let them be adults and learn to take care of their own problems.

      P.S. A big thumbs-up on this post of your, fayette.

      36 like

      • fayetteSIPP fayetteSIPP says

        Thanks Duffy … I use to have a saying when my kids were teenagers and going out……call me when you get there  and if you are going to be late getting back home let me know, If I ever stay up waiting on you because I am worried that you are late… the next time I Will go  to bed and get some rest so if you are all right I won’t have worried for nothing and if something is wrong and i have no way of knowing,..at least I Will be rested for whatever the next day brings.

        It gave them the uncomfortable feeling of responsibility and they di very well. I never lost any sleep for tht reason.

        13 like

    • fayetteSIPP fayetteSIPP says

      So true ..good [point) and I do love them , so it’s a dual gift!!

      5 like

  2. Gramma Gramma says

    ooooooo…..number 5 is a hard one for me….and now she even had the nerve to ask me to change my plans so I could babysit….yes, usually I don’t have plans, and yes I LOVE to see and watch my grandsons….but, I will not un-rsvp to a friend because you need me,(if it is not an emergency)….see even then a part of me wants to and everything to my daughter is an emergency!!!!!!!   I would if I could be there all the time, at the same time for my kids, my grandkids, my husband, my mother, my sister(and all her kids), and yes even my friends!  I have boundry issues…I have worked on it, and am better at it….then my Mother had her drivers license taken and I now drive for her three mornings a week!  Really not a chore…but again I don’t like hurting anyones feelings soo usually say yes…to everyone….hey, I have slowly gotten onto another subject….but I do agree with all your points…and try to follow them….they are very freeing when followed..;

    13 like

    • fayetteSIPP fayetteSIPP says

      Thanks Gramm I had to get there and one of the things that help me is grandchildren…I love them and spent a lot of time with most of them  as they grew older and the “baby sitting  or child watching is not needed ….I seldom see them, I heard a woman say of her mother-in- law at the suggestion that , she could come and say with her and it would benefit her and her reply was “it is not Like I need her to baby sit or anything the kids are big now”….lesson well learned take care of yourself and you will live a better life  as time goes by ..you will have more money and better health.

      8 like

      • fayetteSIPP fayetteSIPP says

        P.S I also learned No.5 from my Mother ….who thought my oldest brother could not be left for her to travel as he had some issues….but when she passed on and he came to live with me I found him to be quite resourceful in using the microwave , making coffee, cooking rice etc…. and does well when I am away …look at the trips my mother missed( she never got to visit her best friend in California. My brother even ceased to having seizures…to much care and control even through love can hurt in the long run.

        6 like

      • Gramma Gramma says

        I have a brother like that….my Mom babys him, even though he is 54.  But, at least she has learned that she can leave on trips, as long as she has me or my sister call every day or so to check on him.=]     

        4 like

      • fayetteSIPP fayetteSIPP says

        That is good she can do that ..my mom missed a many trips. I f she could only see him now ( I believe she can)

        4 like

  3. Generic Image moongoddess says

    Hey,

    On number 5, they aren’t always available for me either.  Guess it works both ways and I taught them well ;^(

    6 like

    • fayetteSIPP fayetteSIPP says

      right on…I think mine taught me that lesson ..they have no problem saying not today or, maybe later or I have an appointment  etc….And the young will teach them (lol)

      3 like

      • Alicia Alicia says

        One of my grandchildren m(y daughter has 4) is 14 and old enough to babysit.  I feel a kind of loss at that…….but I have always had my own life, even when I was living with an abuser.

         

        I brought my children up to be respectful and responsible.  I never had an empty-next syndrome at all.

        4 like

      • Generic Image stizzy says

        HI FAYETTE,I HAVE ALSO LEARNED TO SAY NO TO MY GROWN SONS WHEN I NEED TO…FUNNY,I LEARNED IT FROM THEM…THEY HAVE NO PROBLEM SAYING NO…THEY ARE INDEPENDANT AND SUCCESSFUL,AND HAVE THEIR OWN LIVES[NOW I HAVE MINE!]….MY OLDEST HAS 2 CHILDREN ,I ADORE MY GRANDCHILDREN..BUT HAVE LEARNED NOT TO MAKE MYSELF OVERLY AVAILABLE,WHICH IS WHAT HE HAS COME TO EXPECT FROM ME…HE WAS UPSET THE FIRST TIME I SAID NO,BECAUSE I HAD OTHER PLANS…ACTUALLY HE TRIED TO GUILT ME….ONCE HE REALIZED HE WAS’NT GOING TO GET ME TO CHANGE MY MIND…HE SLOWLY BUT SURELY DEVELOPED A NEWFOUND RESPECT FOR ME..NO#5 HIT HOME FOR ME…EXCELLANT POST FAYETTE…HAVE A GREAT ONE,STIZZY   :)

        8 like

      • fayetteSIPP fayetteSIPP says

        Thanks stizzy ..looks like you got it all together …yeah for Granny Gut Guts  (GGG)

        3 like

      • Generic Image stizzy says

        GGG?I LOVE IT,YHAT WAS TOO FUNNY! GOING TO GET A TEE WITH THOSE INITIALS…IT REALLY IS’NT EASY THOUGH,IS IT? I GUESS THERE IS A TIME IN OUR LIVES WHERE WE HAVE TO PLACE OURSELVES FIRST,NOT THAT IT COMES EASILY…IT TOOK ME ALONG TIME TO REALIZE THESE THINGS,I STILL FORGET ONCE IN AWHILE,AND THEN NEED TO GET BACK ON TRACK   :)

        4 like

      • fayetteSIPP fayetteSIPP says

        In the long run if you make yourself happy you will be more happy to be around… I find it amazing how when your “children” have need for you they can make themselves available to drop over and ‘oh by the way can you?’… but when things are running smooth and they don’t need favors or help they get real busy …I learn well from them..I even changed my eating habits ..if you want to eat ..eat what I eat , I don’t go through the trouble to fix food that I know is not the best for their health, somehow I don’t seem to be in the kitchen all the time…I have one grandson who loves vegetables and do well with little or no meat ,,,I enjoy eating with him and he appreciates eating with me ..I think I will do a shirt myself and a poem on Granny Got Guts and dedicate it to you and all the grannies who have woke up to smell “The real Coffee” 

        9 like

  4. Generic Image Old tom boy says

    This is of real interest to me.  I have recently met someone and have told my only daughter that it is possible in two months I might like to leave the state.  I have babysat the two grandkids 3 out of 4 weekends for 5 years.  Both parents work weekends and we cannot find a babysitter for 14 hour shifts.  She is livid with me. 

    And I am livid with her.  I have been single for 12 years and at her beckon call for over 7 years.  Not once has she said, “Good for you, Mom, I’m so glad you have found someone you might want to build a life with.”  It’s been all guilt trip and how could I do this to her.  Maybe in one year or really two would work better.  I’m 59 and he’s 65.  We each have some health issues and who knows what could be happening in two years.  We could both be history.

    Mostly I am concerned with the grandkids.  I have been the primary care giver for much of their lives and I have been trying to back out of that role for the last several months for their sakes.  Their parents need to be in the alpha role, not me, but that’s not how it is.  My granddaughter in particular at 5 just clings to me when I’m with her and I know it is her way of showing me she is missing me from being there on a regular basis.

    I hate that one of them may have to give up a job to be able to keep the kids especially in this economy. The SIL has a good paying manufacturing job that are terribly limited in this area and my daughter is a RN but a new one and can’t really pick her shift.  She really feels I am betraying her even considering this move.  It isn’t a done deal–well, maybe it is. 

    I want to go and have a life separate from this rut I have allowed to develop.  I am responsible for allowing them to use me but to tell you the truth, I didn’t have anything better to do.  Now I see the possibility on the horizon of a great love affair that could well be my last opportunity for such a grand adventure.  So you see your input in coming at a vital time for me. 

    Thanks, girls, for the advice and encouragement ahead of time.  I’ll let you know how it all turns out.

     

     

    17 like

    • Generic Image Mags says

      Old Tom Boy, your post could be mine, with just a few changes.  My husband & I have looked after our ‘grands’ for 5 years.  Again shift work made it difficult to find a babysitter, other than us.  But, over the last couple years things have changed.  It seems we are expected to be available, always.  And when we are not, all h…. breaks loose.  That is when my DIL threatens not to let the kids see us.  It is only thru VN that I have been able to see the error of my ways.

      We are trying to seperate ourselves from them…little by little…but my heart breaks.  I am so attached to our ‘grands’, I miss them so very much.  But my hubby retires in September & we need to have a life together.  A new chapter in our book.  I have felt so supported here in my attempt to have a life, and allow my grown children to have their life.  Thank you all.

      8 like

      • Gramma Gramma says

        This is really such a hard subject for me….As I said earlier , My Mother needs someone to drive her three mornings a week.  That is fine, I am loving getting to know her better again and it is a blessing for both of us.  But, my daughter is so afraid that this is going to take away her prime babysitter, ME!  She now says that she wants to get a job for the holidays, and will need me more…I can’t!! I don’t want to get into a regular schedule with her.  I love babysitting occasionally or for emergencies, birthdays, etc.  She won’t ask the other grandmother, because she is just not comfortable with her and anyway , she works a lot.  My husband is retired and doing well with helping Mom, but also does not want me to get overwhelmed with other peoples need.  He wants me for him sometimes, to travel, or just hang out.  It is a fine line for me…I am a people pleaser…And also really do want to help everyone and not complain…

        7 like

      • fayetteSIPP fayetteSIPP says

        Please the person who pleases you in other words it is important to enjoy the retirement days you have while you can..trust me the day will come when one of you will have some spare time and you don’t want to have those regrets of I should have spent more time with someone was here for me.

        2 like

      • Picturesandwords Picturesandwords says

        Years ago I aunt told me that she had decided never to let guilt be a motivator. It changed my life. If someone is trying to use guilt to motivate you to do their will, that is simply manipulation. If you stop letting guilt motivate you, then the manipulation won’t work. It is very freeing.

        Why not tell your daughter just what you have said here, “I can’t!! I don’t want to get into a regular schedule with (you).  I love babysitting occasionally or for emergencies, birthdays, etc.” If she gets in a snit, that’s her problem, not yours.

        We are not responsible for other people’s emotional reactions, they are. We are only responsible for our own and we can choose to feel however we want to. It sounds to me like you don’t owe anyone anything. And your husband sounds like a level-headed guy and is giving you good advice. Why not just tell your daughter that you and he have plans and it doesn’t work for you to be her babysitter on a regular basis? It is her job to care for her own children, after all.

        My mother-in-law wanted to come and live with us. We said, no, that doesn’t work for us but we will help you find a home that offers the level of care you need. That’s what we did and were not manipulated into doing something that would make us miserable. It turned out the best for all concerned.

        You can stop being a people pleaser by changing your thinking around it. I would suggest you read, Loving What Is, by Byron Katie to learn how to do that.

        5 like

    • Generic Image KGrandma says

      Child care in this country is a disgrace, and people like us are often forced to take up the slack. Your daughter will just have to find a decent care center and learn, like most young mothers, to make compromises. My grandchildren are in the best day care available, are well cared for, and learn a great deal. I am lucky enough to be around for those times when they need a backup. When I read When Everything Changed: The Amazing Journey of American Women from 1960 to the Present by Gail Collins , I was horrified to learn that in the Nixon era, we were very close to nationalized public child care, but it was nixed by the very conservative right wing. Their belief was that women would be more likely to leave their places in the home for careers if free, universal child care was available just as k-12 schools are today. I may not be remembering this correctly, but I think it was Pat Robertson who was instrumental in getting the plan thrown out. Forgive me if I am having a senior moment; I’ve passed the book on & can’t look it up. Can you imagine the outcry if a similar program was proposed now? Socialism!!!!

      Anyway, dear Old tom boy, I wish you all the best, whatever that is, and hope life brings you only joy.

      4 like

      • fayetteSIPP fayetteSIPP says

        To TomBoy:  hey! Kgrandma my bad(smile)

        Please  enjoy your life and anybody who is not happy for you then………… ask what plans do you have for me in the future when I need care and cannot live alone? Do you have provisions for me to live with you and care for me?

        One grandparent I knew moved over 1000 miles to keep her granddaughter whom her daughter had late in life..and did not want to leave her job as it was expensive and they had bought a new home not expecting a baby. She  stayed for 13 years…when she returned her home was so run down , she ended having to move into a rent house of someone else….and was sent back home with health issues and her other daughter who was upset with her moving had to care for her ..the other daughter did not even come to visit, whom she had given up her last 12 years of good health….so  I say remember , children want their parents love and while they are young it doesn’t matter about how big the house is ….Homes for the Aged or being filled up every day …known as Old Folk Homes….where the the children and the grands? Live and have no regrets the better you take care of you the I see stress of your children having to deal with your bad health

        3 like

      • fayetteSIPP fayetteSIPP says

        I agree with that statement…I once wanted to work when my babies were little ..but didn’t want to leave them , so I took a job at a day care and that is when I decided Never would my children be in a day care ,,,,I ended up quitting , because they said I spent too much time with the babies ..they waned them to lay in the bed all day only to be feed and changed ,and not to remove the sheet until right before the parents came…..and not to hug or love on them…I have been self employed all my life mostly because of that reason, My kids came first and I know some mother can’t do that …my heart goes out to them, but for those who just want more things………

        5 like

      • Generic Image Gator Gal says

        I don’t want the government involved in childcare. I think it’s a dangerous concept, but beyond that, what does government do right? Why should precious preschoolers be turned over to a bunch of bureaucrats that have made our public schools the laughing stock of the world?

        8 like

      • Generic Image Towanda says

        It’s just as bad, if not worse, to turn the little ones over to a bunch of corporate heads who have to keep greedy stockholders happy.  Same thing goes for corporate assisted living centers for elderly.  It’s amazing to me the decisions that get made in the name of preserving the almighty dollar for the shareholders.  Care for the child or for the elderly resident suffers as a result. 

        6 like

    • Matriarch Matriarch says

      Now is your time to shine.  You have fulfilled your obligations to your daughter, and HER children.  She is just protesting at change.  It will pass, let guilt run off you like water.  Tell her you love her and the kids, but you deserve to live your life as you see fit, and raising her kids isn’t really what you have in mind now.  She will adjust when she sees you will not be moved by her tactics.  It’s much like a child who wants candy in the store.  If they see you will not be moved even after a temper tantrum, they quiet and adjust, how much different is this senario?

      6 like

    • Generic Image rosiemay says

      Dear tomboy you are in a situation with your grand kids and new love you have found. When my son and DIL were pregnant they asked me if I would move nearer to them (now 6hrs driving distance ) so that I could care for their baby while both worked. I told her that would not be possible as we loved this area and could not afford to buy property in their area but that I would be the first one there in an emergency. As it turned out our grand daughter has been in day care since 6mths old and is now 3years 4mths. She loves it and also learns a lot. It costs them over $1000.00 per month. It broke my heart to think she was in day care at such a young age and from 8am until 6pm. She is such a happy little girl and advanced for her age  ( I guess we all think that). It seems that all of their friends are in the same boat and all the kids are in day care or they have a nanny that comes to the house. I am glad I do not live closer because I would have been expected to be the full time carer and I just want to be Grandma. If your daughter is a new RN she could work the night shift and her husband work days and get a carer for the overlap hours. I worked as a nurse and my husband had a day joband that is how we did it. Good luck

      0 like

      • fayetteSIPP fayetteSIPP says

        It is so good to see this subject is of concern and now let me make you grandmothers feel even better……When you spend you good years babysitting and loving the grand babies , 

        Don’t be surprised when the grand kids no longer “need the service ” you will probably not be able to find them …I heard one kid say he din not want to go to his grand mothers house because…she did not have cable.

        They get busy and if you don’t text you may not get to communicate with them…all I am saying the grand kids grow  up and if the parent tend to use you for their purpose, most likely the kids will too. Not all to be negative I have wonderful grand kids …but they are busy and living their lives, I kept the first one and decided God is smart and he made it impossible for most of us to have babies after 50 or so years old. WHY? It is not our duty only in emergencies should that take place and even then some kind of social service should be in place to assist the elderly who are tryings  to children due to death and incarceration getting higher.

        3 like

    • Generic Image Gator Gal says

      Old tom boy, you sound like a loving giving mom and grandma, and you are entitled to live your own life. Perhaps your daughter’s reaction was one of panic (Oh, no! What am I going to do?), and she will soon come to realize that you have given so much to her family, but now it’s time for her to seek out another solution. I hope that instead of heaping on the guilt, she will soon express her gratefulness for all you’ve done, and your relationship will be healed. God bless!

      6 like

    • Generic Image L. J. says

      God bless you for taking the one thing money can’t buy…time…and giving it to your beautiful grandchildren.  They will never ever forget that.

      Our children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren–on–are all we really leave in this world..it is the part of us which lives on through them.  When you look at your grandchildren, think..I love you..when you talk with your daughter, think…I love you..your new man..I love you..these thoughts will come out in your eyes, and in your voice, and in your smile…..Be blessed..you are a wonderful woman!!

       

      3 like

    • Generic Image stizzy says

      LIVE YOUR LIFE FOR YOU,AND ONLY YOU….YOUR DAUGHTER WILL BE FINE,AND ULTIMATELY RESPECT YOU FOR DOING WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU,BELIEVE ME,I KNOW THIS FROM EXPERIENCE.ENJOY YOUR NEW LOVE!…..GOD BLESS,STIZZY

      3 like

    • Generic Image hedda says

      dear Ol’ Tom boy,
      I really loved your frankness, and self respect in this post. And, it was SO good to hear another woman, who is such an important grandma & caregiver, actually be honest about wanting her own life for while. I LOVED that – i struggle with loving my moments with grandkids and then becoming very exhausted (and i am in good shape). For 7 years I tutored one of my grandsons on Wednesday (hyperactive) and had him every other Friday and Saturday. We had a great time, we were very bonded and close – went skiing and bike riding, read books together and did math projects. Long story short – i never see him (20 yrs. old) or hear from him – he got involved in a bad crowd and i lost him. So i had to learn that my grandma love and care giving did NOT really make a difference in his life. It was a hard pill because i always thought women saved the world – we don’t – people eventually save themselves or not. Sometimes love is really not enough – sometimes the one we need to love is ourselves.

      8 like

  5. tennisgirl tennisgirl says

    oh boy, this is timely for me.  i am a divorced, single mom of 2.  i have a 13 year old daughter and a 17 year old son.  i have watched other friends go through this with their children and have adopted some of their thinking/strategies and find this to be succinct and comprehensive.  i have spent the past year mentally preparing for this time next year…when my sons leaves for college.  we are very close and this will be an exciting/wonderful time for him.  i will miss him terribly but know he is on his journey as i am and have to keep this thought in the forefront of my mind.  after all, our thinking determines our feelings/actions.  

    thanks for summarizing this so beautifully.  i’m going to lean heavily on this every day and hopefully by the time he actually goes, it will provide some help.

    1 like

    • fayetteSIPP fayetteSIPP says

      Thanks for your appreciation …trust me it comes through much praying and crying to understand why and how to let go…I even sat down to my computer as  I finally learned some years ago to think and type out my poetry (lol) I asked for my mother to help me and show me where she went wrong…( Mother had been “gone” over 10 years….My hands began to type and the emotions and the feeling came out of me and the answer came to me…Stop standing in the way of their rights of passage… you Will only prolong their misery on not learning soon enough…plus stop taking the responsibility of being the ” blame” this is when your husband or some love one is upset and want to “tell a child off” and you step in and say I can do it with more love and give them the same information…Guess what in years to come you are the “Bad” person and the person who had the complaints or problem gets off.  I stopped doing  it so when my husband is dissatisfied with one of the adult kids or a sibling want me  to tell them off I  say” no handle it yourself “!

      It has saved me so many issues and set me FREE!!

      2 like

  6. Generic Image Sanny says

    This comes at a time when I am struggling to let go of my worries about my 37 yr. old son. He has finally started a new job after 3 yrs. of making one mistake after another. Even though I know that he is an adult and responsible for his own actions I have yet to learn that I cannot worry over him or feel that I need to help him out. I am really trying to work on this but still have a lot of what ifs!!!!!

    8 like

    • fayetteSIPP fayetteSIPP says

      Let him know how much you appreciate him being responsible and are not relying on you….

      Back off and give hime space to grow. YOu have to be firm that he cannot fall back on you for support.

      While he is working see how he spends his time with you …most of the time when our kids are in need they are more “attentive” and when they are doing great  ..you may have to send out  an orange alert :}

      It only proves that when they are being responsible they can get along without us …so why not speed up the process so we can enjoy what good days we have left doing what is our purpose as we prepare to end our journey?

      3 like

  7. Generic Image Marian J says

    We brought our girls up to be independent and resourceful – the stumbling block is the college loans we co-signed. We have talk thru the pro’s and con’s of different job and re-location decisions re: impact on everyone’s budgets. Otherwise, it’s interesting to see how two girls make very different choices and yet have similar values.

    This is a very timely post – thank you!

    0 like

    • fayetteSIPP fayetteSIPP says

      You are so welcome the beauty and the surprise of having more than one child is each one has his or her on personalty and ways of doing the same thing,

      I tested my Chaldean’s “financial and ethic status when they were young….We use to take them out for dinner on Sabbaths to  Luby’s and I began to notice how they would “load” up on their trays , usually buying way more than they could eat… We decided to give them eough money to purchase a meal and some extra,,,,they could only get what they could afford.

      1. would buy up to the limit

      2. one would save a little 

      One would barely spen any …buying one side orede and pockerting aout 90& of th money …where as when she was on “our dime” she filled her tray up.

      I also bought three brands of Ketchuip , each child having their own…it amazed me how one would use theirs up and begged the other two , onw would reserve and the other would barley use  and watched to make sure nobody else did too.

      Today as grown adults …One is  very good at investing and saving  money and not being over he top spender …good credit…. the other do OK but struggle more with impatience of having what they want right …I See them learning as we as parents pull away from helping them out of ‘Jams’

      I am glad this post was of some service to you and others …this is how we learn by sharing. and realizing that we are not in this mess alone as parents, or siblings.

      1 like

  8. enjoying new life enjoying new life says

    I am divorced and have 3 teenagers.  I am working on all of these things now.  Not always being available to cook dinner or to play interference with their  Dad is a great growing experience and mine are only 13.  I feel by taking on my own life and letting them struggle through theirs they are getting valuable life experiences that will be easier to learn now then later.  I read a great article by a 28 year old man called “adults in cradles”.  It really helped me with the lack of money guilt I have been experiencing.  Yeah my kids do with out, but at this point I am glad to let them do with out and teach them the worth of money rather than what they were learning about money when their Dad was around.  I also dont stay up late worrying about my 18 year old.  He texts me when he gets home that way I can roll over and see his texts.  My X accuses me of being a totally irresponsible parent…which is a real laugh (another story), but my kids are becoming very independent and I am thrilled.  I will say, getting to this point took alot of morning by me.  It meant I had to let go of them and no longer let them feel the empty void in me.  I had to fill it.  I think that is why many mothers have so much trouble with all of this, they want the freedom but are not really ready to pay the price..which is letting them go

    1 like

  9. Generic Image MissEllie says

    Thanks so much, I have been really stuggling with this, since my husband past away 4yrs ago.  I am working on letting go and living my life, but it hasn’t been easy, so thank you!

    0 like

    • fayetteSIPP fayetteSIPP says

      You are so welcome, I have had some mama hear ache moment but usually because i was trying to “save” them….They will learn , and you will them began to enjoy the fruit of your work.

      2 like

      • Generic Image MissEllie says

        Thank you for caring, it is true, thanks for letting me know I am not alone!

        2 like

      • fayetteSIPP fayetteSIPP says

        They are too many of us who really care about our children but we are sending the wrong message when they have a life to explore and enjoy  …. and yes sometimes be miserable …but that is what life consist of…it too Will pass

        5 like

  10. Generic Image Riina says

    You are my hero!!  I had to print your list and read it every day so that I can follow these steps. One day I wish to feel the freedom that you enjoy!

    2 like

    • fayetteSIPP fayetteSIPP says

      You have made my day, as I watch one of my adults children go through having to be patient and trust that things will turn out all right she is the one who crosses her  ts and dots her is. Bhe Love to have control of what she does…life does not always allow us to control …let go and let God ..once you have done all yo can do.  So  I am free of interfering I can always pray for the best for them …as this I do. thank you again this list evolved from my heart and my hard lessons of being to much the mother on duty whenever needed ..call I come running… 

      5 like

  11. helenw helenw says

    My daughter is almost 18 and my son almost 22 so it is great to be armed with wisdom in advance!  I do remember my father telling me about a popular aunt he had, who never gave advice unless it was asked.

    2 like

  12. Generic Image romoe says

    Hi-
     I have three kids one son and two girls. I am happy to see others is feeling me. My story might be a little long. My son is married for the second time. His first wife walked away and left him with three kids. My husband and I step in and took the kids and raise them. The grand son quiet school and got a GED and went into the Marines. He stayed in the Marines and got kicked out after two years. Came home went to live with his mom and did nothing. Decided one day he wanted to come back to GA we live on the outside of Atlanta. He knew he was not allow back with us. He called his auntie and said his mom was really doing him wrong and he wanted to come back home. She helped out by calling his uncle, which allowed him room with him. Of course he messed up. Now living with a girl he claims is having his child. My son took him as his when he married his mom he was our first grand child we love as our blood, My son married his mom when he was two (2) years olds.
     
    We were living over seas came home  never knew my daughter in-law had left my son. We decided to ask my son if we could help with the kids because two was girls and they were young. So he could attend college. He had a drinking problem as well. He decided the kids the kids belong to me and my husband. Therefore he had no reason to contribute anything towards their care. Their mom felt the same she sends ten, twenty, and fifty dollars occasionally.
     
    The girls are 16 and 17 one about to graduate one more to go. My son has remarried and moved on the girls went to live with him last Summer but returned because his wife treated them so bad. That’s another story another day. My husband recently had open heart surgery  my son have yet to  visit him not once. But, my husband raised his kids. The grand son got upset with me and told his sisters I am dead to him. hmm… are you getting the picture? Our daughter the oldest have used us to baby sit since we arrived in the USA. If we ask her to do one thing she gets upset and tell us we are getting in the way of what she has to do. My husband carries life insurance on all the grand kids. Her oldest son passed away her ex-husband took care of all  expenses. She got upset because she feels when the money comes in it should be given to her. My husband is in a Rehab center due to his open heart surgery. He was working as well and retired he had to stop working. Of course I have to pick up all his credit card mess and pay his truck payments and  my car payment. I thought since he paid the policy I should pay his bills off and make it easier on me. She  talk  bad about me to her brother because she feels she should have  half or all. She went to court for her divorced  convince the judge to make the ex give her any funds left over from the policy after taking care of exspense.When they were married we gave car payment, house note, clothes the baby, and when she left him funds to relocate. She constantly comes over to bring our grandson for me to baby sit. She calls constantly asking for advice on her current relationship. She has a good guy that loves her and makes so much money  it allows her to live a lucrative life style. She left him because she feels like she can chat  with guys she calls her friends and he disapproves. She got upset and move out with their child. She’s taking the ex  back to court she feels he owe her back pay from their military days.His military career she stayed married  2/3 years. She convinced the court to give her 40% of the retirement pay. Their son pass Oct 0/9 she is still seeking money from him. That’s how she plans to pay her new apartment. Along with school money, child support and ex retirement she receives. If I don’t baby sit she makes me feel guilty by telling her son oh! Your grand mom say you can’t stay. I am tired my husband calls constantly to visit him. 
    I was going everyday I decided since he takes dialysis three times a week, I would go every other day. I work as well. I have the girls in high school they are self sufficient but I make sure their grades are kept up. No time to myself… I am tired. Husband  coming home soon I lay at night  thinking what will I do. We make to much money to get some of the services. My husband has the two insurance neither pays for long term and only a 100 days of in house rehab.My daughter calls all day everyday she has been gone for three days with her baby and his father the man she left because she wanted to chat with friends. Thank you for allowing me to vent.As I write I am about to break  in tears. I am having a pity party don’t know how to move on. She couldn’t visit her father because no gas money. He called  ask me to give her $50.00. She visit him once and stayed 29 min and left. 
     
    Thanks for listening, I am  tired and do not know how to move on. I am afraid if I don’t give her the insurance money she is going to never speak to me again. I love her as I do the other two but tired of her behavior and thinking everyone has to pick up the pieces for her. When she is being normal which is not a lot (smile) she is a wonderful smart gal she attended fashion school had a few things in a store in Canada. Did a line of leather jackets for private customers. Thanks for allowing me to vent.

    2 like

  13. Generic Image romoe says

    Hi-  I have three kids one son  two girls. I am happy others is feeling me. My story may be a little long. My son is married a second time. His first wife walked away  left him with three kids. My husband and I step in to help raise the kids 2 girls 1 boy. The grand son quit school and got a GED and went into the Marines. got kicked out after two years. Came home went to live with his mom  did nothing. Decided one day he want to come back to GA we live on the outside of Atlanta. He knew he was not allow back with us. He called his auntie and said his mom was really doing him wrong and he wanted to come back home. She helped called his uncle, which gave him room with him. Of course he messed up, Now living with a girl he claims is having his child. My son took him as his when he married his mom he was our first grand child we love him as our blood, My son married his mom when he was two (2) years old.   We lived over seas, came home  never knew our daughter in-law had left my son. We decided to ask my son if we could help with the kids of the girls and they were young. So he could attend college. He had a drinking problem as well. He decided the kids  belong to me and my husband. Therefore he had no reason to contribute anything towards their care. Their mom felt the same she sends ten, twenty, and fifty dollars occasionally.   The girls are 16 and 17 one about to graduate one more to go. My son has remarried and moved on the girls went to live with him last Summer but returned because his wife treated them so bad. That’s another story another day. My husband recently had open heart surgery  my son have yet to  visit him not once. But, my husband raised his kids. The grand son got upset with me and told his sisters I am dead to him. hmm… are you getting the picture? Our daughter have used us to baby sit since we arrived in the USA. If we ask her to do one thing she gets upset and tell us we are getting in the way of what she has to do. My husband carries life insurance on all the grand kids. Her oldest son passed away her ex-husband took care of all  expenses. She got upset because she feels when the money comes in it should be given to her. My husband is in a Rehab center due to his open heart surgery. He was working as well and retired he had to stop working. Of course I have to clean up all his credit card mess and pay his truck payments my car payment. I thought since he paid the policy I should pay his bills off and make it easier on me. She  talked to her brother bad about me because she feels she should have  half or all. She went for her divorced convince the judge to make the ex give her any funds left over from the policy after taking care of expenses from her son’s funeral. When she was married we gave car payment, house note, clothes the baby, and when she her husband funds to relocate. She constantly comes over to bring our grandson for to baby sit,  calls constantly asking for advice on her current relationship. She has a good guy he loves her and makes so much money it allows her to live a lucrative life style. She left him because she feels she can chat with guys she calls her friends and he disapproves. She got upset moved out with their child, She’s taking the ex  back to court. She feels he owe her back pay from their military days.His military career she stayed married  2/3 years. She convinced the court to give her 40% of the retirement pay. Their son pass Oct 0/9 she is still seeking money from ex. That’s how she plans to pay her new apartment. Along with school money, child support and ex retirement she receives. If I don’t baby sit she makes me feel guilty by telling her son oh! Your grand mom say you can’t stay. I am tired my husband calls constantly to visit him.  I was going everyday I decided since he takes dialysis three times a week, I would go every other day. I work as well. I have the girls in high school they are self sufficient I make sure their grades are kept up. No time to myself… I am tired. Husband  coming home soon I lay at night  thinking what will I do. We make to much money to get some of the services. My husband has the two insurance neither pays for long term and only a 100 days of in house rehab.My daughter calls all day everyday she has been gone for three days with her baby and his father the man she left because she wanted to chat with friends. But, guess what no phone call. Maybe she don’t need to chat only when she want to.

     Thanks  for allowing me to vent. As I write I am about to break  in tears. I am having a pity party don’t know how to move on. She couldn’t visit her father because no gas money. He called  ask me to give her $50.00. She visit him once and stayed 29 min and left.    Thanks for listening, I am  tired and do not know how to move on. I am afraid if I don’t give her the insurance money she is going to never speak to me again. I love her as I do the other two but tired of her behavior and thinking everyone has to pick up the pieces for her. When she is being normal which is not a lot (smile) she is a wonderful smart gal she attended fashion school had a few things in a store in Canada. Did a line of leather jackets for private customers. Thanks for allowing me to vent.

    1 like

  14. Generic Image romoe says

    Hello-

    A few weeks ago I reply to your post because I was worried about my husband coming home from Rehab and I wouldn’t be prepared when he is released from the hosp. Well, my husband passed away on Sept 8,10 and was buried on sept 13. Thanks for listening.

     

    0 like

    • Generic Image MissEllie says

      romoe I am so sorry for your loss- no words will comfort you, but know you are loved by many. My husband died four years ago, it is a shock.  Please look after yourself and do what is best for you.  I have been going to a counsellor, as I needed to deal with a lot of my husband busiess, and family issues, sometimes our family members are too close to be objective!!!!!!!!!! so for me the cousellor is helping me face and deal with all the issues I have been left with.  I needed help physically, mentally, and spiritually, as I felt defeated Please but yourself first.   I have been making up a box with things of my husbands to use as a memory box!  Everyone grieves differently—please be good to yourself!  Sending you hugs, and loving healing energy.  I love you just the way you are!

       

       

      2 like

      • Generic Image romoe says

        Thanks, it’s been a month so much has happen. I feel  like my husband took me with him. I know it’s a little soon, yet I can’t stop thinking what will I do with me? I want to feel whole again. I am so broken inside, I can’t cry any more. I want to but can’t. I feel so invisible. I’ve been going to see a counselor once weekly. It’s been helping. I am worried about feeling so hopeless, I am not sure if I will ever be myself again. I see no goals everything is so blank. Thanks for listening I just needed to write someone. I picked you and thanks for reading.

        0 like

    • Olivia52 Olivia52 says

      So very sorry for your loss……….take care.

      0 like

    • Generic Image Cme4eva says

      Romoe I’m so sorry for your loss and don’t let your kids take advantage of you

      0 like

  15. Leandra Leandra says

    It is hard for me to read all these posts and yet very informative. I have 2 grown sons…one is married with 2 children that I have yet to see. I divorced their father back when they were 16 & 20…old enough to understand or so I thought. My youngest I never hear from. My oldest who has the g-kids has cut me off. I made the mistake of trying to be a helpful mother and he didn’t like my advice so I went out with the trash. It seems that his excuses for not calling or letting me see the g-kids among other things are ok but my complaints about his behavior is not ok. I put my kids first all my life and now I have none. I could be dead for weeks and they’d never know. I’ve been a widow for 6 yrs. and not one single date. I guess I will be alone from now on. I had looked forward to being with my g-kids for so many years and have lost that, too. My mom died in Jan. and for all intents & purposes I was disinherited so my sister won’t even talk to me. 

    I guess my point is that all those suggestions are extremely valid and I wish I could put them to use. I am sad that the kids that said they’d NEVER put me in a nursing home have abandoned me for the last 17 yrs. All of the posts have inspired me to just forge ahead and live my life for myself for however long I have left. While I don’t like my situation with my kids, I have been given a glance at what I could have to deal with on the other hand. I don’t know which is better; having them around all the time or being totally without them.

    I used to think life was hard when I was younger but I have learned that getting old is even harder yet.

    2 like

    • Lostandfound Lostandfound says

      It looks like no one has posted on this thread for a while, but I just found it tonight. I have 6 grandchildren, raised 4 kids mostly on my own. We were very close, I made all their clothes when we were broke, canned, soccer, dance, fun outings…now they are all grown, some have families, one son is a loner and drinks, my middle daughter going through a divorce because she chose to have an affair and she has refused to let us see the granddaughter we helped raise. Now we are going to court for grandparent rights and none of my kids other than my youngest, ever calls to see how I am. We have no real relationship any more and it is so painful. But just tonight, I decided to let them all go. No Facebook, no phone calls, nothing. I have to move on with other things somehow. They were such a large part of my life and when my birth family finally all died, my kids didn’t want to deal with me, the pain I felt was too much for them??? No hugs, only from my youngest who has such a kind heart. I have pretty much disowned the one that is withholding the granddaughter since she called the police on us during one of our visits with the granddaughter, just out of spite and nearly got us arrested saying we were taking her??? She’s become a very mean and vindictive young woman. So for my own sanity, I am letting them go, finding new things to do and they have their own lives to live and mistakes to make. I don’t want to open myself for more heartache only to find out at age 80 they will leave me in a nursing home with no visits from them.

      2 like

  16. Generic Image Lunazen says

    There are varying degrees of freedom.  I don’t want to be free, not of my children :) .  Never.

    1. The ball is in their court, but I will dispense advice, as they are free to do with me.  Advice doesn’t require the taker to follow it, after all.  As long as this is understood by everyone involved, there is no problem.

    2. If I don’t offer safety tips, I am not being true to who I am.  If the adult child chooses to not take it, or not to follow it in good faith, the fault is not mine.

    3. To a certain extent, I agree.  But, if we’ve raised them “right,” the blows are hopefully not so huge that we feel the need to shield them.

    4. I accept their beliefs because they are theirs, and I will offer books, etc., as they are free to do with me.  It’s about having a conversation and sharing ideas.

    5. I will always be available for my kids, whenever, wherever.  No matter what.

    6. I feel they are on their journey, as I am on mine, and part of that journey is a shared one.  Nothing wrong with that.

    7. One I agree with completely.

    8. Because they are adults, their safety is of no real concern anymore?  Never.

    9. After this list, this last point makes me feel.. blah. Depressed. Different…

     
    20 and 13 year olds. I don’t want to be free of them since they don’t hold me prisoner.  I suppose I am giving myself permission to be free of the societal norms and expectations in regards to parenting.  In seeking for answers “How to let go and be ok,” I’ve realized we each have to dance to the beat of our own drum. This beat, the one upon which you tap out your freedom, certainly isn’t mine.
     

    6 like

  17. Angel Fire Angel Fire says

    this is excellent, thank you!

    0 like

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