Today’s Featured Comment
I too left an unfulfilling marriage to find myself. I didn’t date for 15 months during which time I cried, prayed, vented on this site over and over…and found support and understanding here.
Slowly I have rediscovered myself and some of the manifestations of that have been a little surprising and kind of fun. Although some of them seem a little superficial, given I live in the buckle of the bible belt in rural Alabama…they aren’t really.
1. I stopped wearing suits to work. Sounds ridiculous, doesn’t it? I have an administrative position at the central office of a school system and the standard for my position was suits and/or conservative apparel. I relaxed my wardrobe although it’s still appropriate. I lightened up, laugh with my staff…and am much more approachable and, I think, effective. And just a shade on the funky side which suits my true personality.
2. I started saying yes to things I normally would have immediately discounted because my husband would not approve, and I started saying no when I just didn’t want to do something. No explanation to the no…just a smile and a no, but thank you.
3. I stopped going to church where I left angry every week because of the narrow-minded, judgmental attitudes and holier-than-thou rhetoric. One of my very best friends is a gay man and if I had to listen one more time about how he and others chose to be gay…I would explode and embarrass my sweet parents which I wouldn’t want to do. I tried a few different churches, but have decided for right now that God and I are fine, but church and I are not. I can’t tell you how many people ask, “Where do you attend church?” I used to say…”I am looking for a church,” which satisfied them. Now I just say, “I don’t” and maybe at some point I will get to the point to ask why they want to know. Maybe. I still live here and they mean well.
4. I stopped putting on makeup and fixing my hair to go to the grocery store or the hardware store or most anywhere else on weekends. Another biggie for rural Alabama me. I do still bathe and brush my teeth.
5. I stopped feeling sorry for my ex husband.
6. I stopped letting my children…who I love dearly…express their opinions about what I do. I told them they could do that to me only if I could do that to them. They are 25 and 27 and don’t want my intrusion in their lives, so they may not approve, but they don’t want the consequences .
7. I stopped letting my parents’ approval shape my behavior. They have been doing that for 56 years. I sat them down and gently told them I appreciated all their parenting endeavors…for 56 years…but I thought I could take it from here. Same thing for my baby sister who always knows what’s right for me .
In other words, I declared my independence and does it ever feel great!
Then I met a man online who is absolutely nothing like what the old, contrived, appropriate me would have considered. And we are having fun. And I like him…and he is completely disinterested in my wardrobe or any other trappings I used to think were important. He is interested in THIS Vicky. The real one. The happy one. The slightly funky one.
There is life after a divorce, but sometimes it takes a lot of soul-searching and a healthy dose of plain old courage to find it!
[This comment was originally posted in this conversation. ~ Eds.]
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I agree with you both totally, but thought this might be a good issue to raise here. I myself wouldn't go with a TV ad unless I knew it was exceptional medical practice. I think again it is so good Robbie that you have raised this issue and educa
Hi Darcy
I always appreciate your comments. Emasculating a man means not letting him have his DNA role of being a man. It happens when we take control and literally want to wear the pants versus letting him.
It's very hard for Boomer women to
I have never listened to anybody, LOL…joined the army right out of high school and have b een forging ahead ever since. As for church, I was voted out of membership, with my name up on a big screen, followed by the words: “Conduct Unbecoming a Child of God.” Called to a meeting of deacons (15 “men”), not all owed to have a woman with me, and asked:”Are yu still having sex with your x?” They did this to me 8 years ago on my birthday, September 29th, and I still haven’t healed at all from that. THe x and some of my family still attend. I feel betrayed.
I was born standin’ up and talkin’ back (good thing, or I might be drooling in a corner somewhere! Wrote about my life, won a scholarship and am a Freshman at age 65. You go, gurl!
Vicki – you are an inspiration. Thank you so much for your story!
What a fabulous, fabulous post!!! My heart is SO happy for you. Our 1940-50′s Mom’s spent MANY years telling us that we needed to constantly try to be “what your man wanted” instead of being loved for ourselves…funky, fun, conservative, no makeup, stretchmarks-what ever we may be. I still have a challenge in telling my partner what I think after watching my mother NOT tell my father what she felt in order to “keep peace in the family”. My father was a wonderful man-but very old world/European at times.
You have found your wings-and took the time to cry, vent and learn how to be you alone and that it was OK not to be a couple-for however long you chose.
Wishing you fun with your new beau, fun with your new life…remember, being 50 is the START of the second half of your life….Fly!!! warm hugs, Dorrie
My mother never told me anything. I never knew my father…going to be 66 soon and still a mover and a shaker…joined the army right out of high school and have been moving forward with a stand at defiance passion! I only hope that lucky man shows up soon. Hugs, Alicia
Freshman at 65…dancer, singer, author, poetess, veteran, et al.