I’ve never been one to believe that swallowing a magic pill is the answer to low libido. For most women, there needs to be some sort of connection between the mind and body to make sex enjoyable. Women need to start with getting in touch with their body and their needs and desires.
Some great ways to tap into that sensual energy that sometimes falls latent within us:
- If you’re married or coupled up, take a good honest look at the current state of your relationship.
Are there feelings of past hurts, resentments, or despondency? Sexual intimacy is one of the first aspects that often suffers when women are confused or unhappy in a relationship. It’s important to seek out counseling and open the doors of communication with your partner, should this be the case. - Learn to focus on yourself and what makes you happy.
So many women put everyone else first. Take some time to pamper yourself and tap into your sensual nature. If you’re busy, you can start small by just immersing your five senses in a hot, steamy shower or indulging in a sultry bubble bath complete with rose petals and candles. - Don’t be afraid to explore self-pleasure!
How can you tell your partner what turns you on if you aren’t even sure yourself? Give yourself permission to learn what makes you sexually tick. It may not be the same as it was five days, five months or even five years ago! Even more reason to get in touch with your sexual potential and how it can be better than ever today. - When people are trying to diet, they often keep a food diary to track their good and bad habits.
In that same vein, keep a ‘Desire and Arousal’ journal. Document what triggers your desire or arouses you throughout the day. This is a great way to look back and evaluate what could be leading to your feelings of desire (or lack thereof). - Although it may seem counter-intuitive, sometimes having more sex (even if you’re not at first in the mood) will often make you want it more.
Challenge each other to have sex a certain amount of times a week or month; it’s all about finding a number you’re comfortable with, but once you do prioritize it at the top of your list and don’t let any excuses get in the way! - Fantasies can be a very erotic tool that you can use both during and long-after intimacy.
One of the best things you can do is file away an intense sexual experience in your mind and a few weeks later when you’re not quite in the mood or engaging in a ‘last-minute quickie’, you can rely on that sexy memory to get you turned on instantly. - Men are like microwaves and women are like crock-pots.
It sometimes takes us a little longer to get in the mood – especially when we’re battling exhaustion from a laundry list of To-do’s. As I mentioned earlier, arousal creams are topical creams that cause blood to rush to the clitoris and get you in the mood faster. Not to mention, many are edible for his pleasure! - When couples get comfortable, they assume they know all of each other’s erogenous zones.
This is often far from true! One way to create exciting new foreplay is to blindfold your partner and tease him/her from head-to-toe — there are so many cues that you can play off (such as paying attention to their rate of breathing, moans or expressions) as a way to discover what is turning them on. The sensuality of the experience will help build anticipation and help each of you to locate sexy new hot spots you never knew you had.
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I love anything and everything related to food. growing food, eating food....I think you would LOVE my sister's book (1st place winner of 2012 Gourmand Magazine award in the Fund Raising, Charity and Community division for a USA author) - it is title
If you keep rereading the last chapter, you will never get to the next one..get on with your life.
Do not hide your light so that others won't feel insecure around you. And as you let your light shine, you unconsciously give others the right to do the same.
Organic coconut oil. I was introduced to it by a VN sister a while back. It makes my skin SO smooth and it is great for my thick, curly hair! It has a hundred uses (just look it up online) and it costs so little.
I find medications affect my libido even when this is not listed as a side effect. I definitely notice a difference when I switch meds, with my doctor’s permission……..XXX
I am 63, and my libido is the same when I was 20. I cannot relate to a lot of women my age with the libido thing. I have no lines or wrinkles, my hair is thick and curly, no aches or pains, went thru menopause without even noticing it. Grateful for great genes!
You are certainly one of the fortunate ones. Most women I know from 55 onward have lines and wrinkles, thinning hair, aches and pains and had absolutely felt what I would call “the insanity” time of life – menopause. (oh and definitely the libido thing).
Hurray for you!
Same here, almost. Age 56, very few lines and wrinkles, thick straight hair, very little aches and pains, menopause was nothing and I still absolutely LOVE sex – and no vaginal dryness or any of the other problems supposedly associated with menopause! I – thankfully – “blame” it on having a high normal level of testosterone. Works for me!!
Can I have a sip of whatever you’re drinking????? LOL!
That is awesome – I’m so excited for you – I wish this could happen for all women!!! If you have a secret, please share!
Patty, #1 is the best start for this post. So many of my female clients come in struggling decreased desire, and the biggest obstacle is unresolved anger. We discuss ways in which they can gently but clearly communicate their thoughts and feelings to their partners. Many of the partners just don’t get the connections between the issues (money, trust, schedule conflicts, gender expectations, etc.) and low libido, and until we talk in session about them, the women often don’t see the links, either. Depression and anxiety (whatever the root causes) do set off chemical chain reactions in the brain, cascading down into the body, and it’s hard to be “hot” for your lover when you’re pissed off and feel you can’t say anything.
i gotta say, i have wrinkles, aching bones, slowed metabolisim, but and this is the wierd but no-so-wierd part, since my controlling and occasinally emotionally abusive husband of 41 years passed away 16 months ago, my sex drive has increased dramatically. since i am not in the market at the moment for a new partner, i am choosing to use self-pleasure at a rate that is sometimes, to me, a little suprising. my energy level is increasing, i’m swimming more and am now involved in several demanding but very satisfying volunteer positions and i am altother a pretty happy and conented woman. who knew?
Makes perfect sense to me!
I think what happens is the fact that as long as we are not happy, that part of us is not happy either. I don’t know about you, but when you spend all of your time trying to make a man happy that is not going to be happy any way we lose our selves and who we are. I don’t know about you , but you get tired of trying to make them happy while they are telling you what a sorry person you are. You’re too stupid to pay the bills or to buy the groceries and before you even try they tell you that you can’t do it any way. I’ve been fighting that sort of talk my hold marriage. After my sixth child I when back and got my GED, Associate Degree in Computer Information Management, and am working on my Bachelor of Science in Elementary Education with an emphsis in Math and have a 3.78 GPA, but I’m still too stupid to pay the bills. So when things get tough and he wants me to take the bills or the groderies I just say” honey I would, but you know you would do a much better job” and close with “you know I would just mess things up.” I know that sounds mean, but I get tied of being called stupid. He never finished school or got his GED, but I never call him stupid. On the contrary, I always try to make him feel good about himself. It just gets old and sometimes I think we lose ourselves and that doesn’t make us happy.
Exactly! This is exactly why a quick fix is far from the most effective method. People need to take a more comprehensive approach to resolving issues of low libido. Even with my company we do not make any false promises or tell them that a product will solve the problem. The products are just tools to open doors of communication and get couples to make more of an effort in their relationships.
I also don’t believe that swallowing a pill is the answer to women’s low libido although for many women there can be an underlying medical issue (e.g., thyroid issues) or medication (e.g., bladder medicine, some birth control pills) that is diminishing one’s sex drive. So, if struggling with a diminished sex drive, a full medical work-up is a good idea. If nothing medical is going on (or even if it is), working on the physical, emotional and relationship issues that diminish one’s libido is the key. I love all the ideas that Patti puts forth – and in fact, all but one (#4 – the journal – great idea!) are included in my book, A Tired Woman’s Guide to Passionate Sex. In one of the chapters, I even say specifically, “Women are Crock-pots and Men are Microwaves” and then go on to explain that research shows that the average woman takes 11 – 20 minutes of caressing to become aroused (whereas the average man takes four). I then encourage readers to tell their partners that they are slow cookers and how to turn up their heat. Like Patti, I also recommend fantasies: I tell readers to take advantage of their most important sex organ (i.e., the one between their ears), by thinking about sex when they are not having it. I also recommend mindfulness techniques to help women turn off their busy brains when having sex – since research also shows that women tend to become distracted during sex. The full treatment program in my book is called “Five T’s and a Bit of Spice” – with the five T’s being Thoughts, Talk, Time, Touch, and Trysts. As a professor at the University of Missouri, I also was able to conduct research on my book and found that women who read the book increased their sex drive by 60%! (I have presented this at two conferences). Thanks to Patty for this wonderful post with all the excellent (and tried and true) non-medication ways to increase one’s sex drive!