There was a woman I used to see walking in my neighborhood who always looked furious. It appeared that she’d taken a strong position as one of the perpetually miserable among us and wasn’t about to give it up.
I got thinking about such people one day after encountering a miserable looking woman as I was going out of the grocery store. I realized that she wasn’t just having a bad day; this was a permanent state of being for her. I also concluded that the miserable among us are really expert at maintaining their stance. In fact, you don’t have to adopt misery in order to learn a valuable lesson from them.
Here’s what they do to keep themselves from wavering:
- Ignore or block out anything that might disturb misery.
This is turning selective awareness into an art form. Good news is not given a second glance. When good fortune does sneak in, turn lemonade into lemons. - Plant yourself in an environment that fosters misery.
Bad relationships and dreadful jobs are great tools for keeping misery alive and well. The more insufferable the people around, the better. - Recount tales of misery for anyone who will listen.
No matter how long ago it happened, keep the pain alive. If there’s no one to talk to, mentally go back to the horrors of years gone by. Repetition makes anything stronger. - Avoid new ideas.
What the miserable already know is enough. Besides, new thoughts might cause confusion or, even, contradict cherished beliefs. - Stifle any impulse to laugh.
This is especially important when in a group where others give in to laughter. Let them know that you are not amused. - Never empathize.
If someone else wants to share their misery, just add it to your own bank of evidence, but don’t get sucked into feeling sorry for them. And under no circumstances show any empathy for the optimists that might slip into your world. - Hoard.
Do not offer compliments or any form of praise. And by all means protect money and possessions from others. Sharing is for idiots. - Have a Misery Insurance Policy.
The most effective is to decide that whatever you have is not enough. This guarantees you’ll remain miserable forever.
How do you combat negativity when you encounter it in yourself and others?
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Sounds very interesting.
Spike, you are awesome! Love your perspective, thanks for sharing.
I have a coworker who ALWAYS has a malady. When she shares it with me, I listen and let her finish. Then I say something like. So why does this bother you? Make it work FOR you. And I tell her how this is an opportunity for her. Either she sees it or she doesn’t. I fshe goes on and on about it. I tell her I have to get back to work and that’s usually the end of it because I don’t let her engage me in the drama.
I know someone whose conversation consists mostly of complaints. I sympathize to a degree about various issues: doctors who neglect to tell the patient something important, inefficient customer service, long, confusing phone menus, the whole deal, but I always try to inject something positive, such as “have you tried to” or “this is what I do when….” This is more for my own mental health, because people such as this don’t want solutions, will not even consider them. This is their way of being and they are comfortable with it.
I know that I complain also, but also try to temper it with statements that show I’m trying to get on top of the situation, or shrug it off or make a joke of it. I learned a good lesson from my mother who had a PhD in Perpetual Negativity, and while I know I’m not a stoic, still, no one wants to be around Katie Kvetch, unless she’s one, too.
Having grown up with this, I try to be very aware of what I sound like to others and to seek out people who like to smile and enjoy their lives. The rest I drop by the wayside, afraid to become like them.
I LOVE this post! Thank you! Now I know why I broke up with that CW singer-songwriter!
How do I combat negativity when I encounter it in myself and in others? Do you remember the movie Pollyanna? There is a lot to be said for looking at life through a prism on a chandelier! I never thought of it before but maybe that’s why I’ve hung a crystal hanging in my backdoor window. How can you be negative when tiny rainbow polka dots dancing on your kitchen walls is a regular occurrence? Anyway, when I have had negative moments I ask myself “What can I do differently?” “How can I look at this differently?” “What lesson is what is making me miserable presenting to me?” For some reason, answering any of those questions gets me so interested, negativity takes a hike. When it’s in others I find that humor works as does saying you have spent enough time at the pity party and change the subject.
Michèle Meagher
Your Next Quest
Oh, yes, Miichele, those are great questions to ask. My other favorite is “How can I make it better?” And “it” can be anything at all from a messy coffeetable to a difficult trip through airport security. The Perpetually Miserable would never think to ask.
I have a dear friend of 40 years who has always found the black side of everything. Mostly it is her health. She has a younger sister who was born with so many problems that her mother had to focus allot of time and attention on her. My friend fought back with her own aches and pains. None of the positive accomplishments (and there were many) earned her mother’s attention so she went for the negative. Unfortunately, this persisted long into adulthood. She will not acknowledge or let go of her anger and she has made her health the center point of her life. It is very draining to be around her or have conversations with her. We all need to vent and a good friend is priceless, but if you don’t back away they will exhaust you.
I agree Jewel, if you dont back away they will exhaust you, drain you and if you keep cheering them up they will eventually resent you…(After they committ you) I dont just back off, now I freakin RUN! Venting friend or not…how can such negativity help when you need to vent? They just bring you down and they love doing it!
I agree Jewel, if you dont back away they will exhaust you, drain you and if you keep cheering them up they will eventually resent you…(After they committ you) I dont just back off, now I freakin RUN! Venting friend or not…how can such negativity help when you need to vent? They just bring you down and they love doing it!
that was great. i know a couple of these people. sad.
Like one drop of poison in a glass of milk, being around negativity affects all who encounter it, mentally, emotionally, and physically. I was married to one such individual, and can attest to the fact that it is also progressive. To me, negayivity is a sign and symptom of a hurting and distressed soul. The question is, how can you help them, when they refuse to be helped. I used to wonder if he was conscious of what he was saying and doing,-and the affects it was having on his family.
Left him after 31yrs of marraige, and have filled my life with new and positive people, and experiences. My life is now full, and rewarding.
What do I do when I feel negative? Remember how upseting it was to be around someone like that, and count my many blessings in the life I now have
I had this situation in a work situation once. After MONTHS of my not “entering” the negative, some of them actually began to see the good around them. Negativity is such a USLESS time spender.