6 steps to beauty for life

I am often asked why women like Meryl Streep and Helen Mirren seem capable of aging gracefully while so many others – Joan Rivers, Kirstie Alley, Meg Ryan, Melanie Griffith (this list can get upsettingly long) – do not. Since I know none of these women personally, I can only guess at the answer.

The first group appears to share these key qualities: versatility, equilibrium and confidence. Streep, for example, has shown flexibility in how she views herself over time, (possibly reflected in her ability to become immersed in so many roles). Mirren clearly relies on more than her looks for her success. Both seem to value their personal lives alongside the public ones we see on the screen. They (and others, like Meredith Vieira, Diane Feinstein, Diane Keaton) appear confident that they can balance caring about how they look with acceptance that looks invariably change.

Unbalanced, and ‘frozen in fear’ are words that come to mind for women in the Rivers category. Although acclaimed comediennes, she and Alley seem wildly insecure as they parade constant new shapes, sizes, and personas. Ryan and Griffith, admired actresses at one time, have all but disappeared, possibly a result of altering their appearance one too many times. These women seem to have lost their balance, and who can blame them? With our culture bombarding women with conflicting messages about beauty (be true to yourself, but don’t dare look your age?) it is tough to go gently into that dark night called aging.

So much for my opinion about celebs. Only they really know how they feel about growing older and why they’ve made the choices they have. But I do know what hundreds of everyday women have told me after reading my book, Face It: What Women Really Feel As Their Looks Change. Below is a summary of what they found most helpful about the six steps described in the book. They can serve as guidelines to start you on your way to achieve the versatility, equilibrium and confidence to age Streep-style.

1. Step 1: Uh-oh moments.
   Women tell me that what helped them begin the process was recognizing that their ‘uh-oh’ moment was not a vain, superficial feeling, but part of a deeper, more complex psychological and cultural experience shared by many. Acknowledgment that changing looks matter in this context sets them on the path of acceptance, rather than denial and confusion. They feel relieved that they are not alone.
2. Step 2: Masks
   Unmasking the two incompatible cultural messages –looks were not supposed to matter, but our culture tells us they do – helps women peel away the layers that keep so many from knowing what they really feel. It helps them identify what lies underneath the surface and what to expect following their uh-oh moments. When they realize that they don’t have to take sides (either to care or not to care) they feel more clear and comfortable with their choices.
3. Step 3: Internal dialogues
   Women have found it useful to identity their internal dialogues. They learn how to alter the critical voices they hear in their heads and make them supportive. When they hear criticism from others or about other aging women, they begin to protest, sometimes quietly, at other times angrily. These internal dialogues become more stable and reliable with practice. Once they do, women can rely on themselves –and often those around them – to make them feel good not only about how they look, but who they are as people.
4. Step 4: Looking back
   Women use step four to find the origins of their personal experience of beauty. Looking at family history, relationships with their mother and others, gives them a context to understand themselves more fully. They learn how their self-image developed, that it is not static, so they can use it in step six, when they have to start a mourning process. With understanding, comes a sense of control. With awareness, comes confidence.
5. Step 5: Adolescence
   Many of our readers say that reminding them that midlife feelings revive experiences from adolescence was very helpful, especially when they recognize the biological and psychological parallels. The volatile ups and downs –they pass. The vulnerability to change — it stabilizes. The power of peers – that decreases. This step adds important perspective. They also say they begin to be able to use humor and laugh more at themselves.
6. Step 6: Letting go
   This step was the most important one for women, but the most difficult for them as well. Mourning and letting go of their youthful self-image allows new definitions of beauty to emerge. These new definitions can now change with age, so that what it means to be attractive at age 20 does not mean the same thing at age 40, 50, 80 or 90. And an internal balance begins to shift in the role beauty plays in their lives. By the end of the book, the sources of self-esteem for women broaden and go beyond youthful looks.

Interestingly, the women who we spoke to who completed the six-step process find that by the end they stop comparing themselves to others, especially those models-of-the-moment who seem to have it all. When asked about Streep or Mirren, they say that they continue to admire them as unusually talented, beautiful women, but don’t envy them. Nor do they judge or devalue the Rivers variety. They see these women as lost and confused, victims of our culture, who need help to find their way. They get it, that feeling good about themselves as they age is not about competing or defeating other women.