Believe it or not, I found my husband on the Internet. We’ve now been married almost four years. So yes, it is possible to be a good man online. My feeling always was “I’m a good person and I’m here, so there must be good men on here too.”
Rest assured, we don't send spam and your info is never shared with 3rd parties. |
There were good men online – and a whole lot of losers and not-so-good men too. I learned the rules quickly, made some mistakes, developed my own very rigid set of guidelines for Internet dating, stuck to them, and had success.
Your mileage may vary, but these rules worked for me and were learned from quite a bit of trial and error. Once I stuck to them consistently it was better.
- Picture or not?
I started online dating without a picture. During this period, on a percentage basis, the men I met were of better quality because they were the types who actually read and were open to learning more. (Now, we did exchange pictures before we met – men are visual and let’s face it, we all are to varying degrees). However, I got very few responses without a picture. Once I posted a picture, whoa! Tons of responses. Tons of responses with a pic, very few with a pic. So that’s one reason to post your photo.
There’s a second reason. I also discovered that men who are married or otherwise involved, but are looking to cheat, almost never post a picture of themselves so they won’t get discovered. So I developed a rule that the man must have a picture posted. So if the guy must, then I figured I must as well.
- Stick to guys in your geographic area.
Long-distance relationships initiated via the Internet are more fantasy than real. And yes, I wound up with an intense, whirlwind, cross-country relationship for four months that broke my heart because (guess what?) he too likely had someone in his quasi-hometown. He just traveled constantly for business nationwide. So he came to see me a lot, he flew me to meet him in California, in Florida, in Minneapolis – just NOT his hometown in Chicago. Sooner or later the truth comes out.
- Exchange several emails, then move to the phone.
Get one of those cheap phones with minimal minutes for these purposes that you don’t have to put a name on. You don’t want to disclose more until you are ready. If after a call or two you are still comfortable, arrange to meet in a public place. Tell a close friend where you are going, and as much as you can about the person you are meeting.
- First date should not be over two hours maximum (1-1/2 desirable).
I also thought I was hitting it off with someone, the date lasted longer than that, and somehow the pressure of the length of the date seemed to fizzle in the “after” period.
- Don’t let someone near your home for two to three dates.
- Use public data aggregator websites (such as Publicdata.com) to research your dates.
Information is your friend. Use the data aggregator to find out about things you can’t live with, but also to test their honesty and transparency. Find out about divorces, arrest records, litigation, etc – but don’t tell them you have and what you know. See if they tell the truth about themselves without too much prodding or questioning. If their story doesn’t match what you know, drop them and move on.
When I did a background search, I found something in my now-husband’s background that, on the face of it, didn’t look stellar. Within 3-4 dates, he told me about it (unsolicited) and gave me an explanation for the situation that made sense and that I could accept. It was the complete and total truth. But had he not coughed it up – well, not good.
This list was first posted as part of this conversation.
I think Freud would have at least an essay on this "ugly ugly vagina" statement. Is it a representation of rejection of female self, is it a representation of rejection of mother, what are all the underlying statements?
For those of you who love a
Hi Bonnie,
Hi Bonnie,
Girl, don't lose hope. Maybe there will be someone in those two merged churches, there just might be someone there who catches your eye, eh? Stay hopeful.
Sending love to ANYONE will make YOU feel better. It is not about condoning the actions of someone who is clearly bent on destruction, or the terrorists in the Boston bombing or anyone who would take away life or liberty of others. I wonder if any
I agree to everything above, just want to add my own advice/experiences. I think it is important to NOT use your real name or location, not even your real job. You can be tracked down, even by what you do for a living, its not rocket science. I had an online persona for myself, no picture. I would email and IM the guy for weeks/months, NOT DAYS, and then, only when I was comfortable, would I give him my phone number. THEN, it was WEEKS before we met, and then, only at a very public place, NOT a bar, but like starbucks, panera bread, etc., and only for a few hours, not a “date”. I never let the guys know my home address until I was in a SOLID relationship for MONTHS, not days, esp. when you have children at home. Even then, the guys never came to my home except when my kids were with their father for the weekend. I spent a lot of time finding out about the guy, and then researching as much as I could to make sure it was true…..and also, get HIS phone, address, work, before you give out yours….as he might be hiding something!!!!!! My first husband met many of his mistresses online, saying his was an unmarried man!!!…..but a good ending to the story—-
I met and married my current hubby of 4 years (we dated for 2yrs) online, our first date was at my church!! ( I didnt give him my phone number for 6 weeks, and he still hung on until I did!!
It is better than meeting guys in bars, married men love to prowl them, along with all the losers/creeps/sickos, you can put yourself in control, take time to make decisions, and NOT let alcohol impare your judgement!!! Two other ladies from my work took my advice, and now one is remarried after being a widow for 6 years, and another is engaged after being divorced for 5 years!!
Keep yourself safe, trust your instints and intuition, and dont be desperate!!!!
All of the safety rules that have been listed are good to take under advisement, but every on-line dating situation is going to dictate different rules as it moves from emails to phone calls to coffee dates. I surveyed hundreds of singles over 50 (both men and women) and the disaster stories about on-line dating usually involved lying through the photos or the written profiles. Only 33% of the women I surveyed ever went on a second date with a person they met on-line. Most of them had much better luck meeting potential sweathearts off line. You can read more about my book at http://www.FindingYourSweetieAfter50.com
Hi i’m 57 divorsed women, who just started on line dating. it’s all new to me, after 35 years of very unhappy marrage, my self esteem is very low, i didn’t had luck to meet anybody yet, i don’t beleave i will, i have some emails, but not a date yet. i don’t know couple of weeks it’s a long time or not. somedays i don’t feel i’m ready to let anybody in my life, somedays i’m just curious if anybody just will be interested in my, emails that i receive sound good, but if notoby actually maid an offer to have a date, i just get discoraged, and obviously i think that they are just lylings, but why?
Do you have your photo posted?
I do post a photo, and interestingly enough, my smile is the first thing most responses mention. So apparently it works for me.
I admit, I tend to be more careful with guys that do not post a photo. Married folks that do not want to be caught would not post a photo.
Have you found your sweetie?
I think you have added some valuable insight to my original answer. When I was going through on-line dating it was 6-8 years ago (husband and I dated for 2 years prior to marrying). A lot has changed as it relates to information available on line in those last 6-8 years. While there was information available on line about people, no where near to the extent it is today.
Thanks for helping this answer be more relevant in 2009!
This sounds just like me (regarding the rules) before there were rules. I met my husband (6 years) on Match.com. I didn’t have a picture but he had. We’ve been through some hard time (financially), but he went by to his love of pottery and we started a company. So go for it you ladies. ME
I met my husband on eharmony. He is from California, I am from Kentucky. We have been together for five years. Use your head but also follow your heart. My first husband was a local his girlfriend came to his funeral.