Multibillionaire Warren Buffett famously said he would leave his grown children enough money for them to do anything, but not enough for them to do nothing.
Now a billion dollars is a thousand millions. Imagine a thousand piles with a million dollars in each pile. And Warren’s got 35 of those—35,000 piles with a million dollars in each pile. So his situation is obviously FAR different from that of a woman with a normal job. She can’t give her children enough to afford them to do anything. She just can’t. But Warren’s take on helping your kids does give us some things to think about.
No one wants to let their child starve, so it’s obvious that parents are going to be generous toward their children. I don’t have children, but my friends come to me for advice on this. I’ve pointed out to a couple of them why just giving kids money may not be prudent. Here are a few reasons:
- Your kids may resent having to help support you someday because you’re spending all your money on them now
It’s like on an airplane where they say, “Put on your own oxygen mask first.” - Sometimes you’re not helping your kids when you think you are
Warren’s children say that his approach taught them self-reliance, and that’s the most important gift they got from him. - It’s dangerous to go into debt over your head
If you’re borrowing in order to support your child’s lifestyle, then you may be sending a message you really don’t want to send. The dangers of too much debt are something that Warren’s very focused on.
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very astute. my situation is, obviously, different, at least in terms of $ volume, but the concerns remain the same. would love to hear back from others on this. i offered to pay my stepson’s tuition to a vocational school after my husband died. He got through about three weeks of a twelve week program and quit because his disagreed with the way they were teaching the program. (his marriages have worked about the same way – it didn’t work, it was her fault. he didn’t even show up for his son’s custody hearing, claiming that his psychiatrist hsd told him not to go because his ex “messed with (his) head.”) probably too much detail, but it’s to illustrate a point. he’s not working right now, living off his savings, he tells me, and said last time i spoke with him “well, if there’s anything set aside for me, i could use it now,” or words to that effect. i think if i give it to him now, the situation may repeat in a few years, or, if he actually finishes something, next it’ll be help to buy a house…a few years after that, whatever, and so on. i’m afraid that if i keep making it easy he won’t develop character or ever finish anything. i also have an obligation to look after myself, as there’s nobody else to do it for me. thoughts, everyone?
I think you’re right to be concerned. If he’s not proactive in seeking to take care of his son, he’s certainly not going to do anything for you. It sounds as though his relationship with you is transactional – would he have a relationship with you if it weren’t for how you could help him? He doesn’t sound like someone who values continuity of relationships. You, on the other hand, sound like a very loving, generous person. If you’re taking care of him out of a sense of family, maybe you can find another way to express your feelings and giving nature — your step-grandson, a godchild, a charity, or taking care of your friends?
Warren Buffett’s sister runs a foundation, the Sunshine Lady Foundation, that I admire enormously – it has a philosophy that i love to tell people about. She helps people who are suffering from ”bad luck, not bad choices.” She also requires that they participate. If they can work, they must in order to get money from her. If they are in school, they have to stay in school and achieve good grades. She requires them to send her a letter saying “thank you.” Required thank you notes may sound a little odd, but when people reflect on gratitude it changes how they think. She says of her beneficiaries, “I don’t want to be their ‘Mommy.’ ” She wants to help them while letting them learn to stand on their own feet. Her success rate with these people has been very, very high.
You think or you Know? He said ”well, if there’s anything set aside for me, i could use it now,” an inheritance is after my death. Which means he or anyone else is not needing to take care of me with money. And many a time children do not want to be bothered! You paid for schooling which he requested and didn’t finish, and you’re feeling sorry for him, what! When I pay out money for something it is for a return of skill, interest which made it worth paying for. From the womb to maybe 22 years of age, it is my duty and responsibility to provide for my daughter, everything after that is a sacrifice. Why would he take care of his family when he can cry to you and you come running? He walks away, and because the wife and child will need assistance you will step up, and we know it’s not the child’s fault. Bad situation. My daughter lost her job in the down-turn and lives home with me. She still must pay me $100.00 dollars a month. Can she live somewhere free, I said let me know I’ll move! Side-bar note: If the kid down the street takes time out to care for you and help you with things as you grown older and your children do not, leave something for them-why reward bad treatment! IMO
I have learned this lesson the hard way and do not like the monsters that I have created. The expectation that I will always be there and just take care of it, is a huge burden and causes resentment on both sides. I have recently had to look in the mirror and own and accept that I have to step back and let my children make their own mistakes and figure out their own solutions. It is a hard lesson for all of us. So they now know that I am here for moral support and to listen but the money tree died and there is just a snow filled hole in the back yard where it used to grow. We are working through the anger and resentments that have been caused by my need to take care of them and let them have what I did not when growing up. The expectations on both sides have changed and we are adapting slowly.
the best thing in the world do not cost, love, friendship. God bless my dearest parents because family was first, no divorce, no remarried, they live together 50 years, but they love each other first, they were a couple first, now is the death of couple’s life, that is the reason tha grown up children ask for something to their mother, before there were limits, there were a hard voice at home, in a divorce or in a troubled marriage, children take sides and advantages, because the mother has no couple, they cannot play with dad, mom is guilty then she will give me everything I want, money is not love, sadly not at all.
”let them have what I did not when growing up” quoting you. That’s precisesly what is wrong today which result into spoiled brats and not understanding the value of money.
I am 50 years old and have, unfortunately, run into some significant problems in my lifetime. My father has been there to help me out, no strings attached. These were life changing events…when my business went bankrupt and I was in a fierce custody battle for my youngest daughter. I paid my eldest’s way through college and she is financially sound and has good money principles. I would help her in a minute if she needed me. Love isn’t money, but love, to me, means helping a loved one in need. Sometimes that caring can be expressed through helping with anything, moves, babysitting, money. I don’t mean frivolous gifts. You can’t take it with you.
Absolutely your father was great to help you and you would show love by helping someone else. You can’t take it with you, but that assumes you have it to take! Parents who don’t have it should not go into debt to help their children. I have seen parents give up their retirement money and take on credit card debt to avoid their children take out a college loan and work while in college. The kids need to contribute.
I read all of your stories with great interest. I have put myself in a bad situation and am not sure what to do now. My daughter has 3 kids, one on the way. Her husband does not work, he cannot keep a job…he is like the old fashioned mother that thinks no one can take care of meals or the kids like he can…so he quits his job if everything is not just right. My daughter lacks skills, she works for minimum wage, so cannot support herself or her kids. So,they all live with me. It was working OK until the downturn and I have lost a lot, and will have to file chapter 13 due to some bad choices on my part on credit. I have had six months of financial reversals and nightmares that I never thought I would experience. I know that I will have to get my big shovel and my big girl panties, no one is going to solve this but me. My reason for supporting my daughter is the grandsons, I don’t want them to be in a homeless shelter, but since I am in survival mode(for the last year), I don’t seem to be able to think beyond making sure the basics are covered. I think the hardest part is the disrespect because I don’t do enough cleaning. Thanks for letting me vent, I did not even realize how I felt about this until I started writing.
No one should disrespect you in your house; where they are living with you free. Put down your foot and demand respect. Also, as for cleaning, let SIL do it. He’s home without a job. My heart goes out to you. There, but for the grace of God, go I. Just praying everyone keeps his or her job and doesn’t come back home.