Vibrant Nation

Online dating after 50 and the search for the perfect man

Sherry Halperin's avatar Posted on Wednesday, February 03, 2010 by Sherry Halperin Sherry Halperin, author of Rescue Me, He's Wearing a Moose Hat: And 40 Other Dates after 50, says the absolute best way to meet people is through a personal friend. But if that's not happening, then consider the dating sites. Here are Sherry's tips for online dating after 50 -- and her idea of the perfect man.
  1. Be honest
    Just be honest and hope that the person who answers your ad is being honest too. I don’t see any advantage in lying about your age, your weight, your height, any of that, because once you meet, then the truth comes out. And, you know, you don’t want to start a relationship with lies.

  2. Don't get discouraged
    I did eHarmony three or four years ago and was told that there weren't any matches for me. So, basically, I was rejected by eHarmony. That's right: In the whole United States there wasn't anyone they could match me with!

  3. Try them all
    I went to JDate, Match.com, and Matchmaker. And there was a site years ago called Millionaire Match, or something like that, but there were no millionaires on the site! You have to be very cautious and take it slowly when you’re doing online dating, because you never know, really, who the person is.

  4. Be careful!
    Use a different name while deciding who to contact from the online dating sites. Once you've established that there's interest and have "talked" back and forth by email, have a telephone conversation. I would always insist on talking to that person, because you can tell a lot with a person's voice and how they answer questions. And do not give our your phone number. Get theirs and call them from a phone other than your own. Always, always meet in a public place, preferably during the day or late afternoon for some coffee. Drive yourself, and make sure no one’s following you on the way home.

  5. The perfect man
    I made up a list of my perfect man. And then, as the months and the years went on, I kept crossing it out and changing it because I was just so illogical when I started. I wanted the perfect man -- and there isn’t any. Forget it. We’re not perfect as women, and there’s no perfect man, so I kept changing the list.

    The most important thing for me is someone with a sense of humor and a positive outlook on life, someone who can laugh and who wants to enjoy life. That is the most important thing. Someone who wouldn’t be shocked if I called and said, "Hey, in two weeks there’s a great cruise to Antarctica. You want to go?" and who would jump on the ship with me.

    They have to have some pride. They have to be pleased with what their life has been. The rich old man who I dated -- and who proposed to me several times -- all he wanted was an applause woman. He wanted someone to constantly tell him how wonderful he was when he couldn’t even tell me the name of my children -- and this was after years of dating. So, you know, there has to be a happy medium.

responses (18)

Jender's avatar Jender
Jender said to Sherry Halperin
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It's my 10th wedding anniversary next month.

I met my husband through Single Booklovers. http://www.singlebooklovers.com/

gingervista's avatar gingervis…
gingervista said to Jender
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Wow, reading is my all-time passion, so will DEFINITELY look into this!!! Thanks!

 

Dallas Lady's avatar Dallas La…
Dallas Lady said to Sherry Halperin
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I met my husband on match.com.  We've been married for 4 years and dated for 2 before that.  I have posted here previously on my experiences in on line dating ("Six rules for online dating" or something like that) so I wont repeat myself, but heres a link for those interested:

http://www.vibrantnation.com/live-it-lists/2009/11/20/6-rules-for-online-dating/

Sherry ...your rules are spot on.....obviously I had a few more.

But my advice to women out there is this:  protect yourself...........but there ARE good men there too.  You are a good woman, so why wouldnt there be good men?

Lynnette's avatar Lynnette
Lynnette said to Sherry Halperin
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the perfect man?  I gave up on that one a while back.  I was looking for such a creature during my 20's, 30's and even 40's.  Now i will settle for a fun person, with his own money/hands off mine, healthy, non-controlling, and with a good self-esteem that can handle a strong woman.  I have to write that list, but keep putting it off.  I will check those websites soon and i do believe in them.  But rules DO apply the same as anywhere else.  Thanks for the tips.

carmenreiley@yahoo.com's avatar carmenrei…
carmenreiley@yahoo.com said to Lynnette
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 I am agree with you in almost all.The perfect man?  anybody is perfect, but the tips and rules of Sherry are very useful.Thanks for that.

SunflowerLight's avatar Sunflower…
SunflowerLight said to Sherry Halperin
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Oh yes, need to be cautious.  After being on match since Aug 2009, I finally met someone that I clicked with!  So there is hope.  We are just starting to acquainted, so we shall see what happens.   I agree with these and I have found that the sooner you meet the better so you're not wasting time with all kinds of e-mail traffic.  At least that's what the internet dating experts recommend.

LaterDater's avatar LaterDate…
LaterDater said to Sherry Halperin
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Why is the dating after 50 conversation consumed by the topic of on-line dating????  I've surveyed hundreds of men and women over the age of 50 who are attempting to date. They have stated loud and strong that on-line dating is very dissapointing.  People do it because it's easy, but what good is easy if it is ineffective?  Those hundreds of people also told me what does work for them.  My web site is www.FindingYourSweetieAfter50.com

SunflowerLight's avatar Sunflower…
SunflowerLight said to Sherry Halperin
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LaterDater, Could be because the post topic is on-line dating?  Anyways, I'm interested in what your book has to say also.  Frankly, for me the on-line dating thing has been somewhat of a disappointment.  The men seem to want the women that are fabulous looking in their profile.  I have one acquaintance who has posted an old photo of herself and she gets all kinds of hits because of it.  She explains it away that she photographs better than what she looks like in person LOLs  . . . ha!

lgodiva's avatar lgodiva
lgodiva said to Sherry Halperin
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Sherry - this post is especially interesting to me b/c I am steeped in an online search for not necessary the "perfect man", but "a man who I want to date and who wants to date me".  It's a lot of work, and I've spent many hours, almost like a job search, poring over ads in JDate, match, and even plentyoffish (a free site...lots of weeding thru undesireable ads, but I've found the response rate is still much higher and more sincere).  Here are my thoughts to add to yours:

- If he won't take the next step and pick up the phone to call you, or give you his number, forget him.  Many guys seem to want online penpals and are afraid to do something to make it 'real'.

- It should be easy.  You shouldn't have to chase after a guy.  If he doesn't maintain contact, his heart is not in it.  You just don't need that.  You want someone to want you, to make the effort, to take initiative.  Regardless of feminism and equal rights, men are still the pursuers.  As women, we need to be receptive and send the right signals.

- I tend to be very open and honest with men I've met online, and they find this extremely refreshing and appealing.  They all have their "crazy woman" stories.  If they are sincere in their intentions, they will appreciate your sincerity back at them.  It will go a long way.  Of course you don't tell them your deepest, darkest secrets on the first date, but you should definitely open up and reveal something about yourself, show them your spark or what makes you tick right off the bat, so they get excited and want to know more about you.  Hiding everything behind a wall and remaining totally polite won't break down any barriers or move anything forward.

- Read the signals...if he talks about himself too much on the phone, he may be nervous, but probably he's more of an egotist and not so much into you.  That's a bad sign.  Or if he complains about his ex too much...steer clear (men have also said women do that, so it's something to avoid).

- I tend to disagree a bit about 'lying'...I shaved a few years off my age b/c I'd hit the big 5-0 and knew it would be a stigma and possibly eliminate me from searches that go up to 49.  So I felt ok saying I was 48 b/c I look, act, and feel much younger anyway.  I tell men the truth right away and they understand, and sometimes they even admit they've done the same thing :)

It's a nasty world out there online, but it's admittedly one of the ways to meet men if you don't have other venues.  And it *can* work.  We can only keep trying! :)

 

Sissy51's avatar Sissy51
Sissy51 said to lgodiva
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I talked with a man from Kentucky for 18 months and thought - this is the perfect guy.  Well, we finally decided to meet and, honestly, he was the cheapest person I've ever had a date with.  We stayed in different rooms at the hotel, I paid for the airline ticket, which was huge as it was at the last minute, paid for his drink - (after he bought me dinner at a not so great place, and rushed to get the car back that we shared the rental expenses.  He called me six times and I finally answered as he was concerned about me and I told him off.  I'm not a gold digger, but he didn't have a clue as to how to act.  He was nice-looking, intelligent and I thought the best thing in the world had come along.  Boy, was I wrong.

mamadaze's avatar mamadaze
mamadaze said to Sissy51
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Hi there.. Why 18 months of talking?? My personal thought is that after 2 months, I would want to meet and he can fly/drive to where I live.. if he didn't want that,, onto someone else.. you are worth it!!

drpjl's avatar drpjl
drpjl said to lgodiva
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I worked HARD at online dating for 3 years: JDate, Match, Salon, Boston, Nerve, The Right Stuff (ivy league only), eHarmony (made me take a bunch of tests, then sent me 6 dates the first week none of whom had any of the qualities in which I was interested so I quit ASAP). Anyway, here I am, married almost 2 years to a terrific man I met on Match 5 years ago. He's very successful, brilliant, funny, adorable, generous, kind, but far from perfect ;-) - but we're happy!

My suggestions: I shaved 5-10 years off my age (depending on how I was feeling that month) because I do look considerably younger (62 now). However, in the BODY OF MY PROFILE I said that I did exactly that to meet different search criteria, that I look and feel younger, and that I hoped it would be understood in the manner in which it was intended. So I lied, but fessed up right there and then, in print. My husband, on our first date, made some statement about our being the same age (wrong - he's 7 years younger) and I teased him, reminded him of what I said and it turned out he never read my profile! Just liked my picture and our subsequent email and phone conversations! Anyway, it wasn't a deal breaker ;-)

When I say I worked HARD, I mean that I spent a lot of time searching for, as well as responding to, men on the various sites. After a while I narrowed it down to just Match which has the greatest numbers and let's face it, this online dating thing (or dating in general) is a numbers game, especially after 50. Generally, after a bit of email and the all-important telephone call (to his number), I would set up a BRIEF date for coffee or a drink so that I wasn't wasting either of our time. If there was chemistry and further interest, the coffee or drink turned into a meal or a walk or something more. But if not, I summoned all my strength to say early on something like you are a lovely man and I wish you the very best in finding the right woman. I don't feel we're a match for reasons similar to why some people like chocolate ice cream and others like vanilla, just a matter of taste. So let's cut this short and use our time wisely. On occasion I would receive a "huffy" reaction but basically it was worth it. I got my feelings "hurt" (as much as feelings can be hurt after such a brief encounter) more than a few times, too.

I went off-line 3 times to see if/how a particular relationship might work and lasted 2-3 months each time before it became clear. Generally, opening up is a two-way dance, and should be in matched step - open up slowly, as he opens up, neither going too fast nor lagging behind. 

Best of luck to all! There are great guys out there!!

Lady Long Legs's avatar Lady Long…
Lady Long Legs said to Sherry Halperin
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Thanks for brining up a topic that has "hit a nerve"   I've been single for years - tried every online site I think has ever been and have yet to meet someone who I dated more than a couple of times.   My profile is honest and I've followed advice from the experts and male friends, but alas...   I wish I had friends who would introduce me to single men.

epifane60's avatar epifane60
epifane60 said to Sherry Halperin
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I joined SeniorMeet.com and just posted a picture.  I was hesitant, as I have tried online dating before, including eharmony.  I agree that eharmony did not create better matches for me.  I have had a lot of interest, but do expect that as a new person.  I'll let you know how it goes.  Be brave and get out there!

mamadaze's avatar mamadaze
mamadaze said to epifane60
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Good Morning Ladies,, I have read most of the above responses and smiled.. I too had been on numerous sites, Lavalife, Match, and had had many nice dates and conversations on line, but found MY MAN on plentyoffish.com     I had replied to his profile as it was sooo different than most I had read.  Within hours he had sent me "chocolates and roses" ( a promotion when you have points on this site), and suggested that we meet for a glass of wine.  We did talk on line (msn) and the phone for over 2 weeks and then met for a coffee, and then 3 other times.  He came to my home ( we lived about 40 min away),,brought all the "fixins" steak, scallops, salad, wine, white chocolate cheesecake and roses.. Man, was I blown away..     After a few months of dating, he moved to my home town and we have been together for almost 2 years.. The most wonderful 2 years of my life.. he tells me " I have been waiting to meet you for 40 years!!".. and introduces me as the Love of his Life..

So gals,, don't give up.. there is someone out there for You.. and believe in the power of the Law of Attraction.. know your criteria and don't settle for anything less..

 

 

ekate's avatar ekate
ekate said to mamadaze
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You are so right. I dated two men after my divorce that did not work out. I then went on Match.com and Americansingles. I saw the same man on both sites. Great eyes and a very sexy smile. We clicked online, then by phone. when we met, I thought here is a really great guy. We have been together 5 1/2 years and I am so in love with him. We are so lucky to have met. We never would have met without online dating. So by all means, all you ladies, keep trying. The right guy is out there looking for you!

 

SeptemberMay's avatar September…
SeptemberMay said to Sherry Halperin
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Sherry fantastic post. I would like to let you and your readers know that I have a vision for a dating site that will specifically be geared to celebrating (not tolerating -- celebrating!) the older woman, and the intelligence, wisdom and eroticism she embodies that a younger woman can only dream of. I have been working with two colleages for over 2 years now to bring this dating site to reality. SeptemberMay will launch later this year. I hope you can look out for this, and anyone reading this who wants to know more can perhaps follow me on Twitter, or check out my blog (link on Twitter page). Again, many thanks for addressing this important issue Sherry. Jesse

Alicia's avatar Alicia
Alicia said to SeptemberMay
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I am 63, but people guess my age at mid to late 40's and since age is irrelevant to me (unless you are a tree or a cheese), I shaved 10 years off my age; if they like what they see and what I have to say...why is age of any importance?!  I am on Plenty of Fish...i call it Plenty of CARP, LOl, LOL

 

It seems I intimidate a lot of men.....I know exactly what I want and haven't had a date in a year......I went back t school after winning a scholarship; it was because of what I wrote about my life...I am the moderator of an abused survivors' group, written my memoir (Ghost Child to Triumph), a poetry book, Sanctuary of the Soul: www.soulpoetry.org  (poems of anguish, healing, hope, comfort and celebration), and my endorsements take my breath away: Elie Wiesel, Wayne Dyer, Nikki Govanni (14 in all)  ...Jesse: I am not that computer savvy (as a dancer, singer, writer, poetess), so how can I find out when you have this new dating site?  It sounds amazing.  Kind Regards, Alice (wacalice@aol.com)

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