Vibrant Nation

When I was first diagnosed with breast cancer, I wanted to crawl into bed and sleep until it was all over, or more appropriate to my usual behavior, keep crazy-busy so I could avoid feeling my own mortality and the impending losses of my breast and various and sundry other body parts. But life has a way of nudging us out of our comfort or denial zones, and in time, I found myself falling into bouts of “fear storms” -- waves of overwhelming fear about dying that made me terrorized but eventually passed as well as into the arms of so many friends and family who held me up with their courage until I found my own. In my new memoir, The Sky Begins at Your Feet: A Memoir on Cancer, Community, and Coming Home to the Body, I write about how my community, friends, family and the beauty of the earth and sky helped me find my feet and how to walk into the new territory of my life. Here are some ways to cultivate courage for whenever you or loved ones face a serious illness.

1. Let Yourself Feel Whatever You Feel: In my memoir, I write about my hairdresser of over two decades giving me a buzz during chemo, and telling me, “Just feel whatever you feel.” By the end of the cut, I was scared, and she was crying, but it was an important moment that showed me how essential it is to just feel the fear, uncertainty, doubt, confusion, intense longing for an answer, anger or whatever else visits. The famous Persian poet Rumi writes in his poem, “The Guest House,” how we need to welcome whatever shows up in our emotions with curiosity and tenderness. He writes:

   The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
   meet them at the door laughing,
   and invite them in.
   
   Be grateful for whoever comes,
   because each has been sent
   as a guide from beyond.

   I believe so much that the only way out is through when it comes to the feelings that arise during illness. To find the courage, you have to feel the fear. To land in peace, you need to ride through the anger.



2. Treat Yourself as Your Own Beloved: Many of us are far more seasoned at showering love, tenderness, understanding and patience on those we love -- our children, parents, sweethearts -- than on ourselves. Yet at times of serious illness, we need to treat ourselves also as our best beloved. Courage comes strongest out of love, and when we can show ourselves the kind of love that en-courages our spirit, then our spirit can march on forth and lead us through what's to come.



3. Listen and Don't Listen to Others' Stories: Just like there's nothing so fearful to many a pregnant woman than to hear other women's war stories of horrendous labor, it can be overwhelming to listen to others' stories who have been through the same diabetes, Parkinson's Disease, cancer, depression or other health crisis you're facing. On the other hand, it can be immensely helpful to listen to stories of others' courage and perseverance, how the chemo wasn't quite as bad as they thought or the daily injections became routine after a while. Keep close tabs of your own needs and vulnerabilities at the moment when someone begins telling you their stories of this illness, and let them know if this is something you can hear at the time. I remember people crawling out of the woodwork to tell me things like, “I knew someone with the same diagnosis. She's dead now,” things I truly didn't need to know as well as “I've been there, and it's hard, but you can do it.” Drink in the stories that feed your soul and avoid the fast-food stories that make you feel wasted.



4. Create a Sanctuary in Your Home: Having your own space to take good care of yourself, to feel peace and ease, and to be able to display cards, trinkets, flowers, candles, and whatever else people give you or you find that surround you with love is an excellent way to grow your own courage. For me, it was a greenhouse connected to my home that had a small, rough balcony, just big enough for an old chair and little table. I hung cards on the walls and railing, and put special books and gifts there. It was a place I could sit and retreat, even if my kids were right outside the door arguing over whose turn it was to play on the computer. Even if you don't have another room to use, you can turn one corner of your bedroom into a sanctuary. Find a chair, and if it isn't so pretty, throw a beautiful sheet or tablecloth over it, and find a small table or perch to fill with objects that symbolize the circle of those who love you. You might even gather some books or magazines that inspire you. Then just aim yourself toward this space for 15-20 minutes a day or more with the prescription to do nothing but relax and enjoy yourself.



5. Reach Out and Ask for Help: There's no time you need a village as much as the time you're facing a serious illness. What's more, people want to help. Most of us feel greater meaning and purpose in our lives when we connect with someone who could use some help. By reaching out, you're not only helping yourself, but helping your community. Contact any organizations you belong to (email can be particularly easy for this), call friends and family, let the word get out, and let the kindness of strangers and loved ones form a circle of strong love around you. Even if you're somewhat private and uneasy about strangers dropping by with casseroles, challenge yourself to reach out just a little by contacting some friends, asking for some meals, flowers, drivers to take you to an appointment here and there, help with family or cleaning.



6. Remember, You're Stronger Than You Think You Are: This is what my mother said to me when I found out I needed chemo and two or more big surgeries. It was true for me, and it's true for you too. Just like we can strengthen our muscles through a little yoga here and walking there, we can strengthen our spirits through the heavy lifting of ourselves through big life challenges. If you feel you don't have the courage you need now, just keep putting one foot in front of the other, and by the time you arrive at the next turn in the hospital corridor or long night after a difficult procedure, you'll find you're lifting yourself through. Remember also that the sign of true strength is tenderness: let yourself feel vulnerable, and then do whatever you need to give yourself greater support. Your strength not only expands your own capacity for courage, but it encourages those around you to grow their own courage.