Vibrant Nation

Surviving divorce after 50: 4 steps back to the real you

Judy Steinberg's avatar Posted on Friday, March 13, 2009 by Judy Steinberg Judy Steinberg is the author of Fabulous After Fifty and Sexy at Sixty. After divorcing comedian/director David Steinberg, Judy reinvented herself and wrote her book to share her survival tips with other women over 50 beginning a new chapter in their lives as divorcees, empty nesters, and career changers. Read more about Judy on her website and blog.
Recovering from divorce after a long marriage is a daunting assignment, to say the least. The loss of self esteem can be immobilizing as we try not to feel like an utter failure. All those years invested in the wrong man!

There is a way back, but it's not for the lazy or sad. Starting out with the right attitude is imperative. Take stock of what you have to feel good about. You have your health, your children, your teeth, his car... Be prepared to reach into your emotional mothballs and rediscover the happiest, smartest, cutest, funniest and most alluring version of yourself. You are only four steps away from being the real you again.
  1. Find your strength.

    Only when you can feel the physical strength of your body will you begin to engage that same strength emotionally. Ladies, at our age, we must lift weights, stretch, work out and exercise every day. Lifting weights and strengthening the torso so that you can hold your shoulders up will prevent that pesky little hump from forming on your back, and give you a stronger, more youthful posture and a whole new attitude.

    Wait until you begin to see what impact you can create when you walk with confidence and strength. When you feel strong, you think differently about yourself and make better choices. People will treat you differently and look at you from a different perspective. Pull your shoulders back and lift up your chin. You are no longer invisible!

  2. Do something symbolic.

    Sometimes, just doing some sort of ritual act can create the feeling that you have left your former life behind you and moved on. It's another way of opening the door to your future. This step is probably a little different for everyone. Here's what I did: I took an armload of my husband's 8x10 glossy publicity photos to the parking lot of our favorite restaurant and I burned them. Seeing his lying cheating face go up in smoke did wonders for my morale and allowed me to feel completely disconnected from him and the life we shared. My friend tossed her wedding ring into the river to accomplish the same feeling and then, in a more aggressive act of symbolism, my mother cut the crotch out of all her husband's pants. What a woman! Create your own private revenge and move on!

  3. Learn something new.

    At first glance, this might seem like an insignificant effort. It is not. Challenging yourself physically and mentally is crucial to feeling alive and in the flow of life. You must not allow yourself to fall for the notion that your best years are behind you.

    I learned how to dance the West Coast Swing. Not only did it give me something to do at night as an alternative to Internet dating and the bar scene, but it took two inches off my waist. If dancing isn't your cup of tea, why not take an art class, or learn how to cook Thai food? We've all had the experience of thinking that someday, when we finally have the opportunity, we're going to do that one thing we always wished for but never had the time to pursue. Now is the time. Now is your time!

  4. Reinvent your life.

    Most of the women I know in their fifties and sixties raised husbands and children, devoting their own lives to the well-being of their families. Careers were put aside, priorities shifted. Well, now it's time to make your life about you!

    Try a new hair color and update your wardrobe. Did you have a husband whose idea of travel was the distance between the sofa and the refrigerator? It has become so easy for women to travel alone or in groups. Go to Italy! Do you still want that degree you never got? Matriculate!

    Don't forget for one moment that you are smarter than you ever have been. Yes, we've had to surrender some badges of our youth for this moment, but then again, who in their right mind wouldn't trade perky breasts for wisdom and confidence? Therein lies your allure. What is sexier than a smart, confident woman who has not retired from life? You are free, and it's not too late to become the person you always wanted to be. Now get out there and GO GIRL!

How did you survive divorce after 50? Share your advice in the discussion below.

responses (31)

amanda.frazier2@gmail.com's avatar amanda.fr…
amanda.frazier2@gmail.com said to Judy Steinberg
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It is very difficult when all the money you had is going with my marraige. Some of the money was used for something I cannot talk about right now and the reasoning behind my current situation is financial. I feel I am entitled to certain $$$ from certain institutions that started the rippling effect which landed my marriage and a child in a horrible situation that cannot be resolved. To do the right thing will be cutting my nose off to spite my face and only one email mentioned the price to me and nothing else has been said. So all I can feel at the monent is that it is all a trick. So I must step back and review the situation and decied to sell the information in order that I may survive in my 50 and 60's.
pmc's avatar pmc
pmc said to amanda.frazier2@gmail.com
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AMANDA FR.where do you live? If IN MY AREA iD BE ABLE TO HELP YOU.

TALK TO A PASTOR. WAS your husband in the service? YOU CAN SEE A CONSELOR THERE,OR A CHSPLIN. JUST get all the GOOD advice you can?

GOOD LUCK,PMC

Judy Steinberg's avatar Judy Stei…
Judy Steinberg said to Judy Steinberg
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Dear Amanda, This sounds very complicated. Maybe you should seek some legal advice.
vintageallure's avatar vintageal…
vintageallure said to Judy Steinberg
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In my own case, I never received closure in the marriage, which made it take 5 years to get over him! Now, I am in process of changing my name so that I won't be reminded of him every day even though I carried his name for 20 years and my maiden name for only 21 a very long time ago! I'm way over him now, and didn't even call him when one of our beloved little dogs died last week. I am going to our 40th reunion in Atlanta next month, and I hope that I do not see him while I am there! This took time, but he made himself obnoxious enough that I finally got over him and am moving on at 70 miles per hour. I would like to live in Atlanta! Where I live, there are no men. They're all alcoholics, whether recovering or active - because there is NOTHING to do here. I am wary of alcoholics because of my family history. I need to stay here to take care of my elderly parents. I won't even be marriagable any more by the time I get to Atlanta. I so long for a man in my life!
gail maria's avatar gail mari…
gail maria said to vintageallure
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I don't have a divorce to report but a break up that is surprisingly sending me into a down, down, down spiral.  I feel strong for days and then collapse.  He's taking care of my dog while I travel west with my son to plant him in Seattle for his residency and all I can focus on is how the dog will love him more by the time I return....that he got everything and I have nothing.  Dumped me for an older woman who he believes will take better care of him and the fact that he just doesn't love me anymore.  For any of you who read my articles on Vibrant Nation this sure does not sound like the funny/quirky me does it????  Oh there will be humor in it somewhere when it sit down to write about it in hindsight but right now it totally sucks and I cried myself to sleep.  What's  up with me?  I wasn't prepared for this at my age.  There's a book in me dying to come out about him and me but maybe not yet.  I was fine for a couple of weeks and now i'm all weepy again.  But read the above advice and will take it to heart/mind!  

CBW's avatar CBW
CBW said to gail maria
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Oh, I get it.  It happened to me as I was back east burying my mother and dealing with her estate, he met an older woman, began living with her in under 2 months, and when I tried to reconcile, he told me those "bridges were burned" on a 38-yr-marriage.  But he'd hit the jackpot:  A widow several years his senior who is wealthy, lonely and supporting him as his "sugar mama".  His pension plan has tanked so it's probably just as well.  Glad (4 yrs later) I don't have to support him anymore, and our adult kids and I just pray for her continued good health and willingness to keep him out of our hair.  Quite frankly, I never saw this one coming, so I appreciate the shock and hurt that you feel.  I often quote the cliche:  Time heals all wounds and wounds all heels.  I'm waiting. 

vfenwick's avatar vfenwick
vfenwick said to CBW
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I never thought i would do  blog anything. (We had) a great life.. 3 wonderful kids. Husband of 30 teacher ..cancer survivor. Now my career has taken off and he is empty and has left four times in a year and filed for divorce.  I have one in college one 13 and am a year later coming out of the fog, but trying to hang on . so I don't have to pay him spousal support, alimoney etc.  He bought a bright blue volkswagen van, put a tent  on top and an awning and left last summer to find himself.  If you all look out your windows .. i am sure you can see the van.  I never felts such crushing pain.. a year later, my boys are over it. my 13 year old daughter won't speak to him and it is just a mess. Oh,ps he has no family , and gets high every day.. also cycles 60 miles a day.. that was ramble.. i have so many blessings.. i can't seem to get it together.  I did not see it coming either.

173to137's avatar 173to137
173to137 said to gail maria
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I'm sorry to hear of your pain.  You sound like a wonderful person.  And don't forget that...it's easy to do when we're faced with feelings that we aren't prepared for.  That other woman should send him back to you.  If she's smart that is?  Maybe that's the problem right there.  She may be one of those women that's deficient in one or maybe all cortexes of the brain.  That's the way I sum it up anyway!

CBW's avatar CBW
CBW said to vintageallure
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Look up old boyfriends from high school or college.  You might be surprised at the reward waiting should you rekindle one of those "friendships".  Happened to me in that he found me, and life is ever so much better now that we're a couple again.  Just do it!

173to137's avatar 173to137
173to137 said to Judy Steinberg
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Thanks for the pep talk it's terrific! 

PamK's avatar PamK
PamK said to Judy Steinberg
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I am not divorced. . .not yet, anyway - but I sure am thinking about, after 24 years of marriage.  I'm tired of the roller coaster ride. Up one week. Down the next.  Two weeks up.  Three weeks down. It's got to stop, and I am the one who has to say, "Let me off!!""

I've written before on this post. My complaint was his browbeating and constant criticism.  So I just shut down. I mean it has been months since we have had a decent conversation.  He reads. I stay busy with my home based business and a young grandchild that I help to care for a couple of days a week.

Here is the latest offering of his being upset with me:

My husband is a smoker.  He is highly respected at his job and was recently asked to accompany one of the bosses to check out some new equipment. I have listened to him for days talk about how others at the office seem to be aware that he is being groomed for promotion and how his co-workers seem to be envious. And I've had nothing to say except, "well, you'd be the right guy for the job."   So when he left this morning, I told him how nice he looked and how nice the cologne/aftershave smelled.  But, then I blew it when I asked if he smoked on the way to work. Because you know that you can be wearing Chanel No. 5, if you are a smoker, that's the scent that everyone gets from you.

He then proceeded to say that all I ever have to say is something negative about him, with all the stuff going on at work, and how he doesn't have anybody to talk to.  And he would smoke "if he wanted to." And that everybody doesn't have a problem with smokers. . . I told him that yes, they do. . if they are not smokers.

Actually, I do not complain about him smoking at home because he has never smoked in our house. But he will go out into the garage late at night and smoke. . . and usually my car is in there with the windows rolled down. So annoying!  He doesn't believe that if we are sitting outside trying to have a conversation that the smoke is still bothersome.  We all know how much we hate to go to a store when an employee is taking his "break" right outside the front door!.

This is not about him smoking.  This is about how he has no value for any input that I have. And of all the people in my huge family, I am the person who is called on for an opinion or to find a resource to solve a problem, or to make sure that a person/company is reputable, etc. etc.  Everyone else sees value in me!

So I have shut down.  We would be what you called 'pillars' of the community. Our young adult children (his, mine and ours - total of 5) would be just devasted!  My extended family would be devastated. But, I am just tired.  I don't have the finances for a divorce. All I have is part ownership in the house and a paid for car. My home based biz is doing well and I am a substitute teacher. 

We are civil to each other most of the time, because most of the time.  .  .

Miserable in Memphis

 

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Judy Steinberg's avatar Judy Stei…
Judy Steinberg said to PamK
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Dear Peggy B:  I wrote a response to your message two weeks ago when it was originally posted.  I have since learned that I was not working the response mechanism correctly and wonder if you received my message.  I was touched by your dilemma and hope that you are finding your way through.

51 and counting's avatar 51 and co…
51 and counting said to PamK
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You leave in TN dear-- half of what you have together belongs to you. make a list of everything you own and split it. Divorce doesnt have to be expensive or long and drawn out . Maybe he feels the asame way.. have you asked him? Dont worry who else will be devasted, they will get over it, live your life for yourself and your happiness..it is much better than putting up and shutting up. It will take a while to adjust but you will be happier in the long run. I left a marriage after 22 years, my kids hated me at first..mostly becuase they now have to deal wit him one on one instead of through me.They will still love you. My brothers ansd sister, and my true friends support me and 1 year later I am much happier and healthier than I was in the marriage.

ag2010's avatar ag2010
ag2010 said to PamK
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I was in the same situation.  Constant complaining - everything I did was wrong. And then I found out some things he was doing with our house behind my back and when I confronted hiim he said it was none of my business. I was no longer a partner and finally woke up and told myself that life was too short for living like this. I had to walk on eggshells every day in case something I said set him off. Now, I am pretty lonely, but at least my days are peaceful! I loved him very much, but had to leave to save my sanity.

LilTigg's avatar LilTigg
LilTigg said to PamK
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Our situations are so similar its spooky. He can be OK for a while then out of the blue he will stop talking (a word or two at most) and walk away from me. No explaination adn it goes on for weeks! Tension in teh house and the kids keep out of the way! Very unhealthy for us all emotionally - but then I'm told we want a Dad!  So I'm stuck.

Take heart you are not alone.

Frenchpetal's avatar Frenchpet…
Frenchpetal said to LilTigg
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Read Patricia Evans' books on abusive relationships.  EYE OPENING.  What he does is a textbook case of emotional abuse, and he knows he's doing it.  He probably won't change, either, because he can not admit he's doing anything.  He will probably say you have the problem, not him.

Susanlaura's avatar Susanlaur…
Susanlaura said to Judy Steinberg
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Bought my first home on my own, went back to work, moved to a beach town I love-slower, friendlier than the large city I was in.  Sold the first place, a condo on the 35th floor and then bought a 135 year-old Victorian Cottage-somethng my ex would never have done-moved my mom in so I could keep a better eye on her and not have to travel back and forth. Retired, take art lessons, travel as much I can afford, active in church and volunteer in community. Happier than I've been in years-I didn't want the divorce-married 34 years but look at me now. It takes awhile and the it is painful but can be so much better.

Judy Steinberg's avatar Judy Stei…
Judy Steinberg said to Susanlaura
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Hi Susanlaura!  You've done something I recommend very highly and that is to re-invent your life.  It sounds like you are living exactly the life you want, that you designed for YOU.  We can surprise ourselves sometimes, when we emerge from the grief of a lost dream and put ourselves back together, wiser but optomistic.  I wish you the best and remember that you deserve to be happy.

Chrisjune's avatar Chrisjune
Chrisjune said to Susanlaura
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Your story sounds so hopeful. I was married 38 years until he suddenly left for a much younger women and said he had been unhappy for years. I never saw any evidence of it. After 6 months I am trying to get my life back together. I still cry but not as often. I too had to buy a house by myself. Something I didn't think I could do but I did it. All these stories sound so encouraging to me. Thanks everyone for telling their story.

51 and counting's avatar 51 and co…
51 and counting said to Judy Steinberg
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I am 51 and divorced after 22 years of Marriage. It was my idea but I had been miserable for years. Stuck with it to raise the children and thought that was the best thing. My children now tell me I should have done it long ago. I sold him the house, took less than what I was entitled to under TN law but I knew in my heart I would be okay. I wont lie, I lost friends, my kids were upset at first but I did have acouple true friends that helped me though alot of the hardest times. I bought a forclosed triplex, fixed it up and live in one apartment while I rent the others. I worked a second job as a tax preparer and paid off all my debt. I work at a college and started taking accounting courses, got certified as a bookkeeper. Then I got a new job and moved completely out of the small town of my marraige and into the city. I started an on-line meet-up group for divorced women and met some friends, and now I find my path is taking me to start a new venture to be able to help other women by creating a non profit Woman's Business Center!  I have been seperated from my husband for just over 2 years and divorced for just over 1 year. I am happier, healthier and at more peace than I was for many of my married years.  People who have known me a long time tell me that I look happier and younger!   

Judy Steinberg's avatar Judy Stei…
Judy Steinberg said to 51 and counting
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Dear 51 and counting...what you have done is nothing short of remarkable!! My suggestion to re-invent your life isn't lost on you, is it?  I hope you are so proud of yourself.  Clearly, you were not immobilized by the change you initiated in your life. And now you have the validation of friends and family, not to mention the happier, younger version of yourself. The 22 years you remained in the marriage might cause some to lose touch with the potential and possibility of a life on your own, but it doesn't sound like you suffered any loss of idenity.  I admire your motivation to help other women.  Your story will serve as an inspiration.  You have firmly re-set your compass for FORWARD!

pg58's avatar pg58
pg58 said to Judy Steinberg
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Husband is leaving after 37 years of marriage.  He is bipolar and I have had an interesting life!  Up and down and all around.  He met someone and after 9 yearsof knowing her,  has decided he needs to leave and be with her and her 3 young children-she is 39 he is 60!  It is difficult and I think I am doing fine but still have those days of melancholy. Tears are less and I can see the light somewhere at the end of the tunnel.  I teach and have friends. Forgot to mention my Mom has Alzheimers and Dad broke his hip and I help with them.  Husband said he couldn't see them like this anymore.  Some days good some bad but I am OK today and that is what counts.  I feel am being put to a test of my beliefs-"live in the moment". 

 

 

Judy Steinberg's avatar Judy Stei…
Judy Steinberg said to pg58
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Dear pg58,  I am sorry you are going through this difficult time, but what's good is that you have started to heal and should have good momentum creating your new life when your ex comes back because he realized that he doesn't have the patience or the endurance for the three little ones.  Or she realized that she doesn't have the patience or endurance for a man 20 years her senior. Being alone, to me, beats being with any man who doesn't appreciate you or the life you devoted to him, his needs and his personality disorder. You can remind yourself how shallow he is to walk out when you are giving your parents such loving care and attention. Who can blame you for having doubts about your ability to go the rest of the journey on your own? Remind yourself of the strength you have called up to endure this transition and allow yourself to be inspired by your own commitment to your future. All of life is a test. Giving it your best is all that you can do. Yes, live in the moment and even more important, just live your life for YOU.  You deserve it.

pg58's avatar pg58
pg58 said to Judy Steinberg
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Judy,

 Husband moved family into their new home and then called the same day and said he had made a big mistake. Said he saw the light and was changed.  Came home!  I am not happy but do not know what to do.  I have therapist who says he needs counseling and we should not live together "til he works this out -if possible.  I have not confronted him with this, yet!  I feel I am not strong enough to go into this again but I still feel I love him or something.  Not any of my friends or his understand how I can feel this way-especially our daughters!  Makes me look like a fool to try anymore with him. Therapist says he is the one in the "red" and must prove he has changed as he says he has.  I was beginning to feel good on my own and I thought doing well.37 years is a long time to be with someone.  My anxiety level is so high at this point.  Hard to focus on anything.  Help!! 

Judy Steinberg's avatar Judy Stei…
Judy Steinberg said to pg58
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Dear pg58,  This is one time I hate to be right.  I guess I knew he would be back when the realities hit him square in the face.  I'm sorry that you are losing momentum establishing a new life for yourself, when it sounded like you had such a good start. I think your therapist has the right idea for how to proceed here.  It might be difficult to put the genie back in the bottle, since he has already moved back in, but you haven't really worked out your feelings about him and sharing your life again. Don't let the number of years you have already spent with him dictate the terms of any reconcilliation. Those years lost their significance when he left you to be with HER. One more thing, don't let other people's opinion  (except for your therapist) decide for you.  You have to sort out your own feelings about this man and then weigh them off against what it feels like to live without him.  Don't think you can't do this.  You can.

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Frenchpetal's avatar Frenchpet…
Frenchpetal said to Judy Steinberg
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Hi Judy - I am in month 6 of filing for divorce and leaving my husband of 10 years. The divorce is not yet final, but our 10-year-old and I are doing quite well.  My husband was an emotional abuser.  We suffered in so many subtle and under-the-radar kind of ways -I'm so thrilled to be gone, even though I am on public assistance, unemployed and living off my retired parents currently (ugh) in rural Arkansas.  In order to escape him, we moved here from Atlanta.  The culture shock is palpable.  lol  We want to return to Atlanta eventually once the divorce is final and the settlement is distributed, but I have my daughter to consider before I just go off to find myself again.  I dream of moving to a more artsy area, like southern California, or maybe even NYC, eventually.  I am a photographer/artist that has all but forgotten my former dreams.  My daughter is creative, as well, and we enjoy doing lots of things together.  She has kept me young in many ways, and I feel my old dreams and new dreams igniting.  I have lost 20 of the 60 pounds so far that I gained in that emotional wreckage of a marriage, and feel energized to meet all my goals in life.

I loved your post here!  It excites me about my new journey as a 50 year old single mom, even though it is not quite all "me" time, yet.  I'm going to get your book!  Thanks for writing it and sharing your ideas here.  It is an inspiration!

Off to determine what symbolic gesture I will perform (love it!) ...

Judy Steinberg's avatar Judy Stei…
Judy Steinberg said to Frenchpetal
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Dear Frenchpet, Thank you for writing and sharing your story. I make a special identification with your story because my father was an abuser.  Physical, emotional, verbal.  I understand how very very important it is for you to create a new world for yourself and your daughter. What a blessing it is for her to find the you that isn't brow beaten, humiliated and shamed by your husband's treatment.  As for your dreams....they are still tangible and very available to you. It's not too late to be the person you want to be.  I reinvented my life at 60 to become an author and I may reinvent again before my days are done.  If you can conceive it, you can achieve it. 

I can understand how rural Arkansas might not feel like the right place for you now. On the other hand New York City is the opposite end of the spectrum....a very big place for a fledgling artist like yourself.  A lovely small (er) town could provide the perfect combination for you and your daughter to flourish.

Your weight loss progress is impressive and you should be very proud of yourself.  Just give yourself a good slap on the back for the role model you have become for your daughter, showing her by your example that no woman should accept anything less than respect and admiration from her partners.  It's a very important time in her life to learn this from you. What I discovered raising two daughters is that they learn more from what you do than they learn from what you say. I'm so happy that you have each other during this transition.

Frenchpet, I admire your spirit and determination to recover your life and self-esteem and I know you can do this. Feel free to write me whenever you are so inclined.  If not here, visit my website www.judysteinberg.com where you can leave messages for me.  Good luck to you...and remember that everything is still possible.

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Frenchpetal's avatar Frenchpet…
Frenchpetal said to Judy Steinberg
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Thank you, Judy.  Your response made my day!  I visited your website and loved reading your blog entries.  You are so funny, and very real.  Much love and success for you, girlfriend.

Off to do my workout...and oh yeah, your book is on order - can't wait to read it!

pmc's avatar pmc
pmc said to Judy Steinberg
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WhenGETING UP HILL,DON T GET DATING AND TELL TOMUCH OF YOU INFO.Be very sure your new friend/friends aren t going to use it to benifit themselves<No fast joint accounts etc

BE careful,and make sure he has a paycheck that he can bring home.HE S NOT A BIRD ,THAT HAS A COUPLE COLLECTING  CHILD SUPORT ! So, you ll not be geting help (as you thaught.)

spiffy's avatar spiffy
spiffy said to Judy Steinberg
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We have been together 40 yrs with 37 of those yrs married.  It is very daunting at 56 to start again.  Fortunately I have a good career and will eventually have enough money for myself.  He has a slight brain injury from a concussion 5 yrs ago and now that the depression and anxiety are 'cured', he has diabetes.  He has lost 80 lbs, had sexual relations with another woman, is wanting to embrace naturism and move out of the city we have lived in for over 20 yrs - perhaps a small Caribbean island.  Say what?!

Judy Steinberg's avatar Judy Stei…
Judy Steinberg said to spiffy
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An interesting dilemma, Spiffy.  After 40 years, the commitment to stay till the end is very real.  It isn't easy caring for someone who is dependent.  It takes a special kind of person and a special kind of caring.  Especially when you probably feel betrayed by his infidelity. I'm thinking he wants to go away to a slow, peaceful decline. If you're looking for advice, I'd opt to stay with the job you already have that is going to console you financially.  Trust me, that will matter to you at some point, more than anything else.  Your own security and life choices are your priority now. His future seems fixed.  Take care of YOU.

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