20 tips for parents facing an empty nest

Before I founded Empty Nest Support Services, I worked for 15 years as a speech and language therapist both in private practice and for the Los Angeles Unified School District. Then, for the next ten years I created and facilitated women’s support groups dealing with marriage, divorce, parenting, dating, illness, loss, and helping people fulfill their dreams and goals. So, coaching people through life challenges was not altogether new to me.

I’m passionate about helping empty nesters and empty-nest families through the joys and challenges of this new life chapter because I’ve experienced them myself. It’s exciting and rewarding work, but I admit that when I first started I had no idea it would snowball the way it has. These days, I do speaking engagements, consulting, I teach others how to facilitate support groups, and I maintain a website, where I post articles and other features regularly, and where we have a lively, active community of empty nesters asking questions and sharing advice. It’s more than full-time work, and I love it!

Here are my top 20 tips for parents facing an empty nest.

1. Let people help you. There is a true loss when children leave home. It’s normal to feel sad, anxious, disoriented, fatigued, lonely, and awkward. Professional help is available and you’re allowed to ask for it. 
2. Don’t compare. Every parent experiences this transition differently. “But Alice was fine after three days and I was still crying and tired after three months,” one tearful mom told me on the phone. We are who we are for now.
3. Sadness is inevitable and so is change. Whether or not you have a career to fall back on you’re going to be sad. This was your favorite “job,” most of the time, and that won’t change just because someone said to turn in your key. 
4. Change doesn’t happen in an instant. To adapt to a new city you need maps, support, adventures, and most of all, time. You get tired and you need to rest. Here too. You get to discover what you like and don’t like as you travel with your new self.
5. Technology makes it harder to let you. Parents and kids are more connected these days what with instant messaging, e-mail, cell phones, and texting. Try and wean yourself a bit.
6. You will be learning how to be in the background, not managing, but mentoring. Your children are trying to figure out life for themselves, so support them in their courage.
7. Reassure yourself.Give yourself some credit. Remind yourself that it’s because you did such a good job that your children have the skills to leave you and make it on their own.
8. Mistakes and poor decisions are part of growing up. Expect those calls where something didn’t go as planned. Listen and throw it back on them to see how they want to handle the problem. Your adult child is learning time management. Suddenly, it’s up to them to figure out how best to manage school work and activities. They go toss a Frisbee. They don’t complete the reading assignment and fall behind. Let them figure it out rather than you e-mailing them and nagging. The goal is for them to manage their lives now.
9. Prepare them for the adventure. Your kids are bound to struggle, to feel overwhelmed with choices, organizations, clubs, relationships, parties, social life, academic responsibilities, the 15-pound college freshman weight gain, drugs, alcohol, smoking. Talk to them about these issues before they leave home. Name the areas of challenge, and let them know you understand how confusing and stressful college life can be. That way the door stays open. If you’re sympathetic now, it’ll be easier if and when they need to call for help, or even just to cry.
10. You will always be their parents. Here’s the paradox, which you have probably lived before. “I’ve got it handled. You don’t have to tell me.” And then the telephone rings. “I lost my iPod. I even went to campus security and no one turned it in. I was in the gym. Sorry, sorry. And, don’t be mad, but somehow my checking account only has three dollars and I need money.” The point is, with problems big and small, they need you.
11. Believe in yourself and believe in your child.Trust. It isn’t easy not knowing where they are or whom they’re with. But while your concerns are normal, your children aren’t interested in your worries. One student expressed his frustration in an e-mail. “My parents are the adults. Why don’t they act it? And why can’t they let me become one?” You did a good job, so believe in your children and let them grow up. 
12. Treat yourself. If you can, stay at a nearby spa or hotel. Relax, get pampered with clean sheets and room service. If you stay home, plan for support. Lunch with a friend, dinner out with your partner in a beautiful setting, by a river or a beach, or in a cozy restaurant with comfort food. My choice is always French fries well done.
13. Do what you have to do and cancel the rest. I would not cry at work, but I reminded myself that I could fall apart, get into my pajamas and into bed, as soon as I got home. If I did get tearful, which is not something a person can plan or predict, I didn’t punish myself. “Of course you miss her,” I told myself. “You’ll be home soon so hang in there.
14. Takeout is good, frozen is fine, delivery is delightful. There will be time when you just don’t want to cook or to go out. It’s okay.
15. Begin journaling: “Tonight I feel… I could deal with this by…” One father told me that it helped him to write his thoughts and let his wife read, because he just didn’t feel like talking about things out loud.
16. Try something new. If you don’t like it, you can leave early and go home. And you never have to do it again.
17. Live healthy. Sleep, eat well, and exercise. One woman I know got a dog–something to come home to and a reason to take a walk besides.
18. Be gentle with yourself. And be patient, too. A new you is on the way. Allow yourself to dream. Get out your old wish list and remember all the things you always wanted to do if you had nothing but time and money. Change is scary, but it’s liberating too.
19. Rent movies that make you laugh.

Learn more by visiting Natalie’s website, Empty Nest Support Services