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offers insight and practical advice to women on the challenges and unexpected rewards of being 50+.
I spent most of my childhood and early adulthood behaving properly. My goal in life was to make people like me, to do what was expected of me, to measure up. That means getting good grades, being popular, and fortunately in the case of my family, also doing good work. So it wasn't all bad.But as I reached this wonderful stage of life that I call Second Adulthood, I came to the dawning realization that I didn't need to have everybody like me. I didn't need to say yes all the time, and, in fact, the only way that I could be an authentic person was if I began to figure out what I wanted to say yes and no to. And saying no, I quickly realized, involved sometimes making people mad. For me, the whole process of saying no, talking back, and standing up for what I think has been the theme and personality of this new stage of life.
Every woman 50+ that I have interviewed in my work has said to me, "You know, I just don't care what people think anymore. And of course, what they really mean is they do care what other people think--but they care more what they think." It's a big part of what's so much fun about this stage in our lives. I call it the "F--- You 50s!"
Learning to say "no" has affected my life in so many ways. Some examples:
- Marriage
When you feel that you can't say no, your modus operandi is to be manipulative, to hint, to try and wheedle things that you want or wheedle your way out of things that you don't want. To step up and use two letters where you were using 20 paragraphs, is very refreshing. In my case, it was very refreshing for my husband too! - Work
My first adulthood was spent in an office as a magazine editor (for Ms. Magazine and the Columbia Journalism Review), where I used my manipulative wheedling skills to great effect. I felt my role was to clarify and organize and give power to other people's ideas an opinions, and I loved that. I loved editing. Until I began writing, in my 50s, I had no motivation to write, because I thought I really didn't know anything, and I didn't have any opinions.
But as I found my voice as a woman, and as I found my nos and yeses, I began to think that I had something to say. I've now written three books, and in each one, my sense of authority--not superiority, but a sense that I had something that I wanted people to listen to--has grown. It's very exhilarating. - Cancelling appointments
I'd always been grateful when other people cancelled appointments with me; it was like found time. But until I turned 50, I never thought of creating that found time for myself. I'm not talking about being rude and standing people up. I mean what doctors do all the time, simply say, "I'm sorry, I have to change the appointment"--or better yet, just scratch something off your calendar and not replace it. What a gift! - Friendship
Every woman I've ever talked to who has gone through bad times or who has wondered whether she could really dare to do something has said to me, "I could not have done it without my friends." Women need this circle of trust, so that when hard things happen we can laugh together. There are countless ways that a real good circle of friends is important, and we learn to appreciate them more and more as we get older.
That said, as we enter this new phase many of us realize there is a category of friends from our old life that are dragging us down. They say, "That's not like you. What's the matter with you?" or "Why are you being so selfish?" Those are the people that you really want to separate yourself from. - Adult children
As children leave the nest some women feel lost, lonely and useless--but at least as many women say, "Whoopee!" They think, "Now I can turn that room into a study for myself; now I don't have to be sitting by the door at 1 and 2 o'clock; now I can shave both legs on the same day." Suddenly we have more opportunity to shape our time and our days than we've had in a long time, and I think that propels many of us into a lot of new adventures.
This can create conflict when the kids decide to come back home. I've heard some women say, "Oh God, I'll have to change the locks!" Luckily, the more we learn to do unto ourselves as we have been doing unto others, the more we can hold our own with those kinds of demands. - Caregiving
Aging parents are a real responsibility and one that has fallen predominantly on women, whether it's her parents or her husband's parents. Women tend do everything they can to make old age comfortable for relatives. And that can deplete your newfound energy; it can force you to give up a job. This is a societal issue that we need to address: how to care for one another and how we support caretakers.
Saying no isn't easy in this case, but you can say, "I need help." I urge friends in this situation to acknowledge that they are not enough, and to reach out to the many people and organizations that can offer you support. I know an organization in California that raises money to give full-time caretakers a week off to go on a cruise. They not only pay for the cruise, but they pay for the replacement nursing caretaking services. You can't walk away from your role as a caregiver, but you can protect yourself so that it doesn't consume your life.
How has learning to say "no" changed your life? Join the conversation below. The first ten members to post will win a FREE COPY of Suzanne's new book!
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