The Pill, sex, and everything

Our daughters take birth control pills for granted, understanding that the Pill — as we called it — may be a helpful tool, but not necessarily the magical key to joyful liberation we hoped it would be.

I recently had cause to ponder the impact of the Pill while studying the results of our groundbreaking, taboo-busting survey of our members about love and sex coupled with the robust conversation many of us are having on the site regarding the positives and negatives of the women’s liberation movement.

The survey alternately delights, astonishes and disturbs, and I highly recommend you follow the link above to discover that wherever you stand (or lie down!) in regard to sexuality, however outside the norm you think you may be – you’re not alone

So, about the Pill. Leading-edge Boomer women were the first cohort to come of age in the era of the Pill, their younger sisters following closely behind. By having the chemical means to postpone or avoid child-rearing, we could instead devote our considerable energy to advancing careers and developing marketable skills. Simultaneously, we could engage in sexual activity divorced from concerns as to whether one’s partner(s) would make a suitable father or mate.

While the economic benefits that came about as the result of the pill are obvious, sexual liberation had a shadow side. On the upside, women were presented with the opportunity to explore and fulfill their sexuality. On the downside, it brought new risks, like the rise in divorce and sexually-transmitted diseases including HIV/AIDS, all of which added layers of complexity, ambivalence and outright danger to fulfilling that potential.

Then, too, the idea that we would be free to choose whether and when to become a mother, with the liberation that implies, often turned out to be false hope. First, the psycho-biological urge to have children often trumped more rational decision-making. Second, at the exact same time that we gained our sexual independence, our culture began pounding at us with a liturgy that we could now outdo our mothers by “having it all.”

Most of us made a valiant attempt to achieve that goal, often putting our own personal needs at the bottom of the list as we somehow mustered the energy to manage our careers; shuttle our children to an ever-longer list of achievement-oriented activities; and maintain house and home.

In the face of conflicting demands, one of the first personal needs this multi-tasking woman often dropped was sex: ironic, given that the freedom to have sex without risk of more children was one of the Pill’s great promises. In reality, as one of our Vibrant Nation members, Lynnette, wrote: “I was exhausted for 20 years.”

For many post-menopausal women, the children finally (mostly) grown, and with more time, means and determination to put our own needs back on the list, the freedoms the Pill promised are at last taking shape as more genuine possibilities. As our survey indicates, it’s not too late for us to enjoy them. Many women, in traditional relationships with husbands and male friends, in gay relationships or “going solo” (taking matters as we might say, “into our own hands”) report that sex after 50 is better.

As a generation of women known for breaking new ground and finding our own answers, we know that we will remain both vibrant and active in all aspects of our lives. We are proactively defying the notion that women who pass the threshold of menopause not only become invisible, but asexual.

Despite this final and most persistent of all stereotypes, it should by now be no surprise to anybody that when it comes to sexuality, Vibrant Women would bring the same passion and problem-solving resourcefulness to our yearnings, issues and opportunities that we have applied to all aspects of our lives.