She’s smart, she’s hard-working, she’s experienced — and she can’t believe that at the exact moment she was supposed to be at the peak of her career, she’s having to “reinvent” herself.
Her name is Joan, and her story echoes many of our own.
Joan is one of those brave soldiers in the human resources field who have been serving their organizations from the center of the Recession hurricane. In a nutshell, it was her job to send out the pink slips to her fellow employees, including those in the HR department she, herself, ran. Finally, the last employee in the department having departed, she got notice from the organization’s managing director that there was one last pink slip to be issued. Her own.
Throughout the course of her long, successful career, Joan let nothing stop her. Not even losing her job at 58. When she called to tell me about her company’s downsizing, she was remarkably upbeat.
“I’ve already put calls out to all the friends I’ve made over the years, sent my resume to all the competitors and have set up temporary office space in a corporate business center. I’m going to run this transition like a job and according to my timeline, I should be re-employed within three months.”
I didn’t hear back from Joan for awhile, and when I did, it wasn’t good news. Five months had dragged on, with no prospects in sight.
“What more could I have done?” she asked when we finally reconnected. “I did every single thing I could think of.”
For our generation of super-charged women, the last thing any of us wants to experience is loss of control. We were shot out of cannons, competing first in school then in the workplace against the largest, best educated generation in history. Refusing to accept gender discrimination, we won new ground for women industry-by-industry, position-by-position. Ironically, those who have had the best run, and the least insurmountable obstacles, can often be least prepared to regroup emotionally and spiritually after losing their job.
My advice to my Joan was this. When you’ve done everything you can think of, used every arrow in your quiver and contacted everyone you know, you still have one more thing you should do — and probably should have done in the first place. Grieve.
You’ve got to allow yourself the time to feel your anger, sorrow and disappointment. You’ve got to give yourself the opportunity to rethink your career and life choices, and to allow yourself the space to rebuild your spirit on a solid foundation.
Many of my friends, faced with this advice, respond the same way Joan did.
“I’m afraid that if I give into my emotions, I’ll never emerge again.”
Psychologists will stand with me when I suggest that sometimes, and certainly when merited by something as big as losing one’s job, allowing one’s self to experience one’s feelings fully is the fastest way through.
Try to skip this step, push through rather than wallow — at least for awhile — and you may find yourself feeling as if your wheels are turning, but not hitching into gear. You may feel listless, uninspired, mechanical.
It’s not too late to take refuge in an oversized t-shirt, snuggling down in a big, fat easy chair and having yourself a good cry. After that, you can start asking yourself the big questions about work, life and meaning. And somewhere along the way, you can begin take action again, using every tool in your kit, not just your will and drive, but your right to have your emotions and to be authentic — through good times and bad.
Do this, calling upon patience and faith as well as strength, and I promise you this. Your new means of livelihood will grow organically from enriched soil, watered, in part, by your tears. Prepare to be surprised.
For inspiration, read the stories of a number of VibrantNation.com members who have found themselves celebrating their reinvented lives.
ReginaLove, that is SO great to hear! As for soy, it may help with menopause symptoms -- it it controversial. The best way to use soy is in the form of whole fermented soy foods (miso, tempeh, tamari and natto). Non-fermented soy foods such as soy mi
Agreed. I never thought I was vain until I had a mastectomy at age 39. I was devastated and told the doc I wanted to wake up with implants. Now at age 60, I am lopsided and wondering if I was just avoiding the inevitable. You get what you get and you
Sounds very interesting.
Spike, you are awesome! Love your perspective, thanks for sharing.
Thank you, thank you, thank you…You have said exactly what my counselor has said to me. Howver, it can be hard to give yourself that time off when well-meaning friends and families are pushing you to get back out there.
While I absolutely agree that taking time to process emotionally the loss of so many things besides just a job is important, I do think you need to acknowledge that not every one has the financial resources to take the time to do this.
Another member expressed it right: “Not everyone has the personal resources or can afford the time it takes to do this.” Not everyone NEEDS to cry and being of the ‘Pro-active Generation’ would rather take all the high-powered emotion and channel it into productive Networking. Life, work and meaning are all good and well, and no one is minimizing spending some time giving it it’s due, but let’s put in the corner, where all our ‘Boogie Men’ belong.
Today’s hyper-inflated economy allows only so much time off the ‘fast-track’– what with personal and sometimes extended family responsibilites, not to mention those of us of the Sandwich Generation who need to financially or personally contribute to the on-going up-keep of cherished parents.
The bottom line–we need money to live and to laugh–and we need -it NOW. Not after we give in to Depression (who has the time?) or spend who knows how many hours at our local Church of our choosing.
Sorry if I am bold and unappeased. You see my dear husband a professional with qualifying degrees on two continents has been down-sized more than 1/2 a year ago, with nothing insight. He is capable, versatile in his knowledge,knows a few languages, and gets along well with the team, he is even in the process of up-grading, but we are not sure it will help.
Our view of the Job Geography is different: there’s a hell of a lot of AGE DISCRIMINATION out there, and it is REAL. After 35-40 YOU ARE OUT OF THE GAME!!
The raging Youth Culture has finally made it’s mark. Don’t be shocked. We let it happen. We cast our old folks out to pasture after their retirement 40 years ago–right? What goes round comes round.
Good luck and forget about stocking up on Kleenex Tissues, I would recommend a good pair of Running Shoes.
Best of luck,
Chicadee
Great column. I think the most difficult part is realizing that given the economy, we may have to settle for “jobs” rather than careers. I’ve been under-employed for a while now. and while it’s hard to admit, the loss of status and prestige can set my teeth on edge. It helps when I focus on the reduced stress in my life and the increased freedom I now have to engage in volunteer opportunities that were impossible to fit in when I was working the high-profile gigs.
Not to be rude, but I find this so much like a talking head. Both my husband and I lost our jobs within a week of each other. When I lost my job in the 70s, I had another within one week; it was never, ever been a problem to get a job because I am great at what I do.
My main problem now is I am 61 years old. The 30 or more interviews I have been on are all jobs that I could either handle with one hand tied behind my back or that would help me stretch, but still well within my abilities. I wasn’t asking for more money than they were offering, I’m just older than they want. I am working part-time, barely making ends meet, but am also volunteering at my church by handling some administrative work, along with helping with lawn care.
My new means of livelihood is Social Security. I have looked at all options – I’m on linkedin, on Facebook, on all the sites that I’m told to be on. It still doesn’t do away with the fact that I’m now almost 63. I’m still looking, still trying, but really, “just be authentic???” I believe you need to look around and “get real”
Thanks for your comments. One clarification: I believe it’s possible to feel your feelings and function at the same time–it doesn’t necessarily take a long time to get in touch with your authentic emotions….and my guess, from some of the responses, is that anger is up for many of us…rightfully so. My observation is that we all do better when we tell the truth/”own” our whole selves, and not just rely on, say, will-power or positive thinking, denying “all” of who we are. I know you can’t show up for a job interview raging or crying–not recommended! But rather than squash the real feelings, try bracketing the pain. By this, I mean you tell the truth to yourself that you’ve got a whole lot of anger and sadness and you will give yourself permission to feel it all–but not all the time. For some pre-determined amount of time every day, say 15 miinutes or an hour, you’ll scream or cry or whatever, and then you put it aside and go about the business of job-hunting or whatever. You do this for as long as necessary. In the meanwhile, I pray that the economy lightens up and we all start getting better news.
There’s one more thing she can do…she can hang out her own shingle and go into business for herself. She’s garnered years of experience in her career that she can now leverage for herself and she’ll find new joy in creating something of her own. I’m for taking out the legal pad, getting in touch with what Ishe really wants and needs, making a plan of action and then taking back her life instead of the “playing the waiting game” and entrusting her destiny into other people’s hands.
I know going into business can be a scary thought. But look at what just happened in her case…it’s no more scarier than that. There is something to be said about finding one’s courage and then flipping the script on life and “having it your way.” She’s carrying the vault around inside her, she just has to tap into it. Whether it is finding a way to do what you’ve always done as a business or starting a gourmet cake business or aeven a lawn service, there are endless ways to earn a living when we take a fresh perspective at where we are. We just have to start with what we have and go from there.
At the same time, she may later find out that life has dealt her the bet gift ever in the long run. Sometimes we stay with the track we’re on, long after it has ceased to be fulfilling work for us. This jolt just might allow Joan to look deeper within and find out what she really wants to do now. That might end up being something totally different than what she was doing now.
I’m in the middle of reinvention myself, even having been an entrepreneur for almost 25 years. The economy did impact my real estate business, but there was also a low rumble in my heart just underneath the surface a year or so before it happened. I wanted to pursue my true heart’s desire to be a writer and do women’s empowerment retreats and events. I started in that direction and all sorts of chaos ensued, but in my heart I felt i was on the right course. Two years later, I found that instead of life being turned upside down as it appeared, it was being turned right side up. Things were being “shuffled” so I could do what I declared I wanted to do with my life. I’m still on the journey, but I know the pathway is leading to a life that is rewardign fullfilling and giving the highest and best use to my talent and how I can be of service. I learned (after feeling lost for a long time) to enjoy this part of the journey too. It’s like turbulence on a plane ride. It’s here, you feel it and then you land safely at your destination.
I do agree that not only when things like this magnitude happen to us, we should take time to grieve, but I find that when we stand still long enough, ALL of the stuff we haven’t had time to reconcile comes rushing in, right alongside the thing that “jolted us”. Sometimes I think that’s why we become hard workers or so vestedi n our careers…we don’t want all that other “stuff” that we’ve blown by in our ives to catch up with us. At least I believe that was the case with me.
I’ve come through the free fall I experienced feeling more authentic, focused and purposeful. Layers of skin have been shed. I feel like the butterfly trying to free itself to fly. Life is so short…we’ve got to make it count. I believe good fortune and true happiness are just around the corner for Joan and all of us who are experiencing the upheaval and turmoil of today. We must not lose sight of the fact though, that it IS our life and we are the guardian and trustee of it and ultimately responsible for ourselves when and if our jobs, careers or businesses don’t turn out as we hope. As have many others before us, we can take our lives into our own hands and build financial security (or be able to meet our expenses at the very least). I say look for the rainbow to appear after the storm, seize the opportunity to begin again and have faith in your wisdom, experience and skills and take a leap of faith!
Joan may decide that she loves digging in the dirt, planting flowers and decide to open a nursery or she may decide to empower women who are going through what she’s going throgh. A year from now, she may send her former employer a “thank you for changing my life” bouquet.
One of my favorite quotes from the movie, Tin Cup is: “In a defining moment, we either define the moment, or the moment will define us.” In my heart, I know something good will happen for her. Life is what we make it; we’ve got to live it like we mean it!
Sharmaine
“I’m afraid that if I give into my emotions, I’ll never emerge again.”
This is exactly how I feel…….
If you need extra assurance that you will emerge from your pain, make a ritual of it. Think about how big the pain is and find a candle to match. It may have to be a pretty big candle. Then set aside time daily to let it burn and while it burns, let yourself feel all your feelings fully. Perhaps you will burn it 15 minutes or an hour a day. Set a timer and when it goes off, you blow out the candle and put your feelings aside so that you can function. You may do this a day, a week, a month, or years. But eventually, as you allow all your feelings space to co-exist, good feelings will spontaneously arise. And one day, you may well be surprised to find something you never thought you’d feel again: joy.
I’ve heard this many times, but it is really just rhetoric. The fact is that I’ve been on over 30 interviews in the almost two years I’ve been out of a job. These positions fit my experience exactly, and so did the salary requirements..but my age didn’t fit their view of who they wanted. I was laid off in the ’70s and had a job less than a week later. I was young then, but it’s a whole different story now that I’m 63. I did receive severance which ran out just before I began receiving Social Security. To receive my severance I had to sign a form that said I would not sue due to age bias. My husband lost his job one week after I did, but not because of age, but because of a disability. Guess what? EEOC is a joke – they don’t care. If not for my faith, this would really be difficult to deal with, but I am volunteering at my church by working in Children’s Ministries and various other things. That has really helped. We are concerned about the future, but we are cutting our expenses everywhere we can. This is not how I envisioned my life, but this is what it is.
Since I’ve been laid off over 2 1/2 years from my 17 year career as a Computer Aided Drafter for environmental consulting firms, a job I absolutely loved, I jumped right into your article. It was so true, I thought it would give me an idea of where to turn next, but when I got to the end…”pfft!” Like many books, great story, lousy ending. Believe me, I have done enough grieving for 10 laid off workers while mailing 100s of resumes, sitting in on interviews, getting my hopes up, only to be dashed to the floor. Please come up with a better and more useful ending to this article and re-issue it!!!
A lot of the responses are in anger, empathy, and possibility. I will be blunt. I am angry, exhausted and not sure what the answer to any of this is. I am 56, almost 57. I went through a brutal divorce 5 years ago that has basically diminished me ever retiring. I have no retirement due to my ex destroying our economy. No, this has nothing to do with what is going on right now, but it has impacted me very hard. I just started coming through the divorce mess and the economy tanked. My house is worth nothing, I lost a job last year due to age at a non-profit that slowly over three months got rid of everyone over 50 due to us being expensive for insurance costs. I have worked with children and families for 35 years. I went for a job last year at our local Children’s Museum and was one of the two last candidates out of a pool of 18. I did not get this job and am sure it was age. I am tired of articles like this. I am tired of radio programs telling people that everyone should rent and not buy their homes. I am tired of realizing that I will not be working to the high caliber that I am capable of because of ageism and a destroyed economy. I am considering training to become a post partum doula for teenage mothers, I am so physically tired that I can not even think straight most of the time. I am not alone. I am scared and I know I am not alone. I am sick to death of “pick yourself up, dust yourself off” articles- they just strike as pollyanna pap.I wish us all our good health and the ability to survive.
Hi Dianah and Whiteduck, Thanks for the honesty and vulnerability of your responses. So let me ask you: what’s the alternative? I’m serious. I’d love to have Dianah take a crack at a new ending…and I’ll keep noodling it. Meanwhile, I don’t believe that positive thinking-style platitudes create better realities–but they have their place. I love how the philosopher William James put it. Two mountaineers encounter a crevice. There’s no turning back. It looks wider than either has ever jumped before. One believes she can make it…the other believes she will not. They both make the jump. Who do you think has the better chance of making it across? Your answer will tell a lot about you–and may help you craft a more satisfying ending to my blog! Best, Carol p.s. Even though I have my own opinion about the answer, which you can probably guess, I’ve heard all kinds of cogent responses and explanations…so I’ve got a wide open mind on this one.