When I hit my mid-50s, things started to change with my inner circle of long-time friends. While we had tracked one another through every life stage from graduation from college to first jobs, from pregnancies through child-rearing and building careers, once our nests began emptying, we literally began finding ourselves in different places.
When I say literally — I mean it. For instance, my best friend Sharon moved from ten minutes away from me in Los Angeles to Bali, where by all reports, she lives with her husband like a tropical princess, complete with palm trees and monkeys. Other friends have moved to gated communities, within golf cart distance of their grandchildren or to downtown condos, to be closer to the action.
Needless to say, it is a rare moment, indeed, when I get to sit face-to-face with any of my old friends over a hot, foamy cappuccino. And quite honestly, even when we do, it is not always the same. Take my friend from Bali, for instance. When Sharon comes to visit, she still has issues to talk about, of course, like making sure she gets the locals to say the right blessings for things like the installation of her new plumbing, or risk being cursed. But it’s not particularly situations with which I can identify.
There’s good news, however. And given that you’re reading me online, chances are you will resonate with what I’m about to say. I still have that most basic of human needs satisfied: the yearning for connection with like-minded souls, the knowledge that I am not alone in the world; the gratification of reaching out to others in a similar life stage and circumstance.
Who would ever have thought that it was to be relationships—including those with strangers—in cyberspace that could have filled in the communal gaps?
I remember when I first went on email, and acutely missed the emotional connection behind the black digits scrawling across my screen. But the miracle is, we Boomers adapt. Make no mistake about it: those of us who are pioneering online relationships are learning as we go — and the technology of communications is doing a great job of both responding to and anticipating our changing needs.
I’ve adapted, too. And here are my top three learnings.
- Find the right online community for you.
Of course, we’ve found one another at VibrantNation.com. When I’m craving a heart-to-heart with girlfriends over cappuccino, I head here for chat-time with all of you. - Make a conscious decision as to whether (and when) to participate online anonymously, or to be publicly identified.
Want to talk about the kinds of things you’d only feel comfortable saying to a close friend? Try anonymity. Want to network or promote your business? You’ll want to link to your bio. - Once you’ve found your place online, commit.
If you read something in a blog or comment that elicits a response from you, go ahead and post it. If you’ve got questions, concerns or issues of your own, put it out there. There is a risk and reward ratio to making online connections work for you. Anonymous or not, the more you put into it, the more you’ll get out of it.
And one last tip. There’s nothing to stop you from sipping a cappuccino as you go—just take care not to spill it on your keyboard.
Agreed. I never thought I was vain until I had a mastectomy at age 39. I was devastated and told the doc I wanted to wake up with implants. Now at age 60, I am lopsided and wondering if I was just avoiding the inevitable. You get what you get and you
Sounds very interesting.
Spike, you are awesome! Love your perspective, thanks for sharing.
Amen, again, Carol. My sentiments exactly. I find a sort of social diaspora underway in my life as well, and until the dust settles and a new terra firma takes form, online communities like VN make a comfortable jammies and coffee kind of place to hang out. It’s kind of like the old dorm days without the final exams!
I’m going to send you a personal note via email btw.
Making the connection in cyberspace has been a godsend for me for many, many years. When my ex-husband cheated on me seven years ago, I took my hurt and devastation to the web to find an online support group. I met women there who saved my emotional life and made a friend who I write to several times a week to this very day. Young people make friends at school, on the playground or by just ‘hanging out’, but it’s much more difficult to connect with people when you’re older, but cyber-friendship is the next best thing.
Having the internet for communication purposes is beneficial because behind the screen there can be a whole world of new and different people waiting to talk with you. It is interesting to see how many people chat through the internet and how many date too! It is a great inner-circle to have, as many connecting websites exist for the sole purpose of socially connecting.
I’ve decided to participate adn get involved with online groups. Living in a small town limits my social life, so here I am! My kids grew and flew, I’m alone, yet so alive! Thanks for being here for the chat! I usually have a cup of hot chai as we chat. See you all soon, Cynthia Carlisi from Patagonia Arizona
Carol,
I’ve been thinking about this thread quite a lot over the past few days. I have to agree that online relationships fill an important role in my life. I have edited two books that where compiled collaboratively through the Internet, participated in a variety of forums, taken online university courses, and made friends that I have eventually gotten to develop real world relationships with. Living in a rural area with a mobility disability, I don’t get out much. My nearest real world friend lives fifty miles away. Most have moved further away or died. Internet friendships keep my world from shrinking into depression and lethargy. Connecting with people online is essential for my sanity and continued growth.
But….
Connecting online is no substitute for sitting across the table from a friend, sharing a moment, a laugh, a tear, a “remember when….” Some things need to be done face-to-face. Online we can put on a “face” and no one knows us well enough to see through it–ever. Sitting across the table from an old friend keeps us honest about who we were and who we have become. And sometimes, damn it, I want to give someone a real hug when they are celebrating or hurting. More often, I want to feel the warmth and strength and compassion that can only be found in the eyes of a friend sitting across the table or in their spontaneous, genuine, in-the-flesh, real hug.
This is powerfully simple and so you to offer – thank you!!
Thanks all. Interestingly enough, I’ve found myself more williing to reach out and make new friends off-line as a result of the comfort level I’ve established online. Six of us got together at a deli in LA over the holidays–we all work virtually and this was our holiday “office” party. It was great fun–and plenty of hugs, too.