Merry Resilience: My holiday wish for Boomer women, Part I

Okay, I admit it. Paul McCartney is my George Clooney. Of course, the fantasy does not extend to include the familiar-looking but somber man I caught on one of those entertainment shows the other day, sadly telling the interviewer that he was not going to be spending the holidays with any of his offspring. Paraphrasing Sir Paul: “They have lives of their own now.”

I don’t need Paul’s holiday weltschmerz — I’ve got plenty of my own. Picture this: a three-month old experiencing his first holiday season. Two sets of grandparents have for years dreamt of this moment: grandbabe in arms beneath the glow of the family tree, complete with generations of ornaments including the newest, shiniest one that reads “Baby’s First Christmas.” The only problem with this dream? The paternal grandparents live in Los Angeles (that would be us), the others live in St. Thomas (that would be the maternal grandparents).

Instead of holding the baby in our arms, we’ll be holding the mouse to the Skype, basking in the glow of the computer screen watching palm trees waving in the background.

Obviously, ours won’t be the only tears shed during the holiday season, where everything seems so much more poignant than usual. Who amongst us doesn’t have some expectation that won’t be met? Some loss that will be mourned? Something that did not turn out the way it was supposed to — even if, God willing, it’s only a turkey that turned out to be somewhat on the dry side? Judging from the many conversations amongst our Vibrant Nation community, I know I’m not alone:

• How do you go on when they’re gone?
• How do you get over losing your partner of 19 years?
• Christmas without Finley
• Divorce: Happy and sad

So here’s the thing. Some of us do better with life’s setbacks, big and small, then others. In fact, social scientists — in whose company I proudly stand — study such things. It is this study, the science of resilience, that comprises the line that runs through all of my work, from books to speeches, from whitepapers to comments and blogs.

In this series “Merry Resilience,” I will be taking a deep dive into what I’ve discovered: kind of a basic tool kit for Vibrant Women for whom disappointedly cheesy department store Muzak versions of “Jingle Bells” have already begun to chime.

I won’t keep you in suspense. I’ve got a snapshot of what our community of women believe, the results of our recent resilience survey. One thing that is clear: for the majority of us, I’m preaching to the choir. In brief, 80 percent of us believe that the older we get the more resilient we become. The same percentage of us who have achieved this welcome state have adopted the attitude “I am flexible and adaptable and make the most out of life regardless of the obstacles that come my way.” The majority of us cited this related message as a contributing belief: “I might influence the things that happen to and for me, but the ultimate outcome is in God’s hands.”

Not surprisingly, these are the same kinds of sentiments the social scientists find in their studies of resilient people. Of course, to be fair, most of the studies — until recently — centered on subjects such as teenagers who find the strength to resist joining gangs, widowers who thrive in nursing home environments and survivors of tragedies who retain their sense that life can be meaningful. Over the past five or so years, business has taken up the subject of resilience, for obvious reasons. I, myself, have presented my findings before such audiences as the Walt Disney Company, Wellpoint and Southern California Edison.

And so, the scholar in me is delighted to have the opportunity to share what I know with you, helping you get ready from the inside out for the holidays. Meanwhile, the grandmother in me hopes only for one thing. That when I see the palm tree waving at me, I will find the strength to wave back.

Next post: Part Two — Remembering to breathe