If you have heightened expectations about the joy of the holiday season — and if your wishes are currently being fulfilled — put this down and go pour yourself another mug of cider. In fact, there are moments in almost every holiday season and sometimes virtually all season long when I’d toast you back. Huzzah! Sometimes life is simply joyful.
But for me, with my adult son and his wife spending my first grandson’s first Christmas with the in-laws not me, not so much this year. Nevertheless, there’s still hope. The social scientists who have studied resilient people have pretty much come to consensus about what we can do when aspects of our life — or perhaps the whole darn thing — is spinning out of our control.
Here are six of their findings — and the most important things to keep in mind as you transit through the holiday season.
- Honor the challenging character of this year’s holiday season.
The first thing, as I proposed in my last blog post, is to approach the holidays not as celebration of the status quo, but rather as a ritual offering the possibility of transformation. As a central part of this, step one is to give yourself permission to acknowledge your disappointment, anger, grief or whatever has been bubbling just beneath the surface. - Tell the whole truth.
Closely related to step one, but the thing that will get you off the hankies and on with your holiday, is to tell the whole truth. Start with the facts. I’m not getting to spend Christmas with my grandson. I miss my mom and dad, who have passed away. But telling the whole truth means that you don’t add on to whatever’s happening to you. For starters, it is tempting to catastrophize (“Things aren’t working out the way I’d like them to this Christmas — things will never work out for me”) or make negative assumptions (“I’ve been abandoned/rejected”). The 12-step programs have a great anagram to help you. They call it “KISS,” which stands for “Keep it simple, stupid!” - Only take your fair share of the responsibility.
The biggest disservice many women of our generation do to ourselves when it comes to telling the truth is the tendency to take responsibility for more than our fair share. Of course, if there is something you can remedy — some transgression that is fixable, some amends to be made — hop to it. But the truth is that even in the fullest, richest of lives, things don’t always go our way and it may have absolutely nothing to do with us. Other people make mistakes, are insensitive or simply conflicted. Not everything bad or disappointing that happens “means” something about us, and sometimes it doesn’t even mean anything about anything. - Inspire yourself with achievable dreams.
In telling the whole truth, you may have had to let go of some of your fantasies about the way you wish things were. But that doesn’t mean you don’t still get to dream! Now is the time to set your sights on the best outcomes possible — holding aspirations that may be a stretch but hold the promise of being achievable. If you don’t know what you want or where you’re heading, it would be enough if getting clarity on this were to be this year’s achievable dream. - Be prepared to take action before you really feel or even believe it.
As I shared in my book The Year I Saved My (downsized) Soul: A Boomer Woman’s Search for Meaning…and a Job “You don’t need an upbeat or even a brave attitude to make progress. You just need discipline.” Hang those ornaments, go online and share your feelings with others, put a silver dollar in the bell ringer’s kettle. When you’re in the sludge, even baby steps, in any direction, can get you unstuck. These are things you can do happy or sad, anxious or full of faith. - Be exceptionally kind to yourself.
What more do I need to say about this? You know exactly what I mean. So go do it!
Do just these six things, and you will begin to experience the truly miraculous power of the holiday season to not only validate — but transform.
In my next and final blog post in this series, I take my scholar’s hat off and go deeply personal to share with you my most carefully-guarded secret: how it is possible to be “out of control” and simply joyful, all at the same time.
Thanks for this, Carol. I find most inspiration in point #5: taking new action leads to new feelings, new feelings lead to new thoughts. Some believe the thoughts come first, but I believe the feelings do. They flood our bodies, and then we decide what to make of those feelings. First, however, is the act: there’s wisdom in the just-do-it attitude. If we wait until we think we’re ready to do something, we’ll never do it! Remember this from your childhood: you want to jump in the pool but you’re afraid the water will be too cold, so you stand there suspended indefinitely while everyone else is splashing around having fun. Remember the feeling you had in your stomach as you stood there. Eventually, you learned that the best way to get rid of that discomfort and anxiety was to jump in. Your question then became, “What took me so long? What was I afraid of? I wasted all that time fretting when I could have been playing!”
And so it is even today.
As always, Carol, you’ve hit the nail on the head. I know of no one who does not have feelings of conflict, sadness, loss, pressure or other non-jolly emotions at this time of year. A deep breath, a cup of tea (or vodka), a reality check on all that is good and right can allow us to move forward. To try to live up to the rosy memories of the past, or some ideal of today is pretty much guaranteeing disappointment. We have the moment – that is really all. Relish it. Laugh, dance and deck the halls!
Deck the halls with a vodka in hand! (Actually I prefer rum in eggnog.) Happy holidays, dear friend!