Full nest, diaper and grin, part 2

Vibrant Nation shared our results regarding our Full Nest Survey at the recent American Society of Aging Conference in Chicago. But for this presenter, on the eve of her new grandson’s first visit, the findings get very personal. In brief, I discovered that in celebrating rather than dreading my adult children coming home for an extended visit, I was part of a phenomenon.

Dipping deeper, I soon came to realize that multiple generations of a single family living separately are actually the historical exception—not the rule. An archeological dig in Elau, Germany found a prehistoric family of two adults and their children in one single grave. Turning the pages of time quickly ahead, we find ourselves in the mid-1800s, with 70% of people age 65 and older living together with their adult children. In fact, the full nest in agrarian times was a sign of status: the more affluent the family, the more likely they were to live and work together. There was, in brief, both plenty of work and plenty of financial perks to go around.

It wasn’t until the 1950s that the status aspects of the Full Nest reversed itself—just in time for our formative years. With the decline of farm-based families and the new emphasis on educating our children for industrial and knowledge-based careers outside the home, having the means to send one’s child away to get educated became the sign of success. Once exposed to life outside the nest, our generation of young people as well as our parents equally valued independence and set living apart as the goal.

It is no accident that this privileging of separation went hand-in-hand with a generation of moms and dads hardened by the challenges of Depression and World War. Many of us have remarked that while we are helicopter moms, hovering over our precious offspring, our own moms were iron maidens. They held themselves back emotionally in order to build strong children—the parenting advice of their day. We, on the other hand, were the first generation post Women’s Lib, having waited longer to get our families started. Between that and paying heed to our generation’s guru—the permissive and emotionally intimate climate of Dr. Spock—we couldn’t get enough of the little ones as they grew up and have had a hard time letting go even as our adult kids have kids of their own.

Interestingly enough, there is once again a reversal of status, as there is a return to the correlation of family wealth and fullness of the nest for our generation, similar to the sensibility that prevailed before the 1950s sent the kids packing. Having made a huge emotional and financial investment in our children’s lives, we are loathe to set them free to fend for themselves during these difficult times. For better or for worse, if keeping our adult kids home awhile longer means one more internship, incubating their Internet consulting business and/or awaiting for an opening in the field of their dreams for which they’ve been trained, so be it.

Meanwhile, I thank heavens that the weather is cooperating, the plane set to land on time, and at least for ten days, there will be a full nest, full diapers and most importantly of all, Grandma’s full grin!